


Broken Arrow

by Neneithel



Series: The Winchester Pact [6]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:08:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 87
Words: 106,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27557380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neneithel/pseuds/Neneithel
Summary: Dean is missing, possessed by Michael.  At the bunker, Dean's absence leaves everyone devastated and Michael is not the only unpredictable celestial they need to think about.
Relationships: Castiel/Jules (Supernatural)
Series: The Winchester Pact [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2007640
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2





	1. Chapter 1

Jules had just come in from shutting the chickens in for the night when her phone rang. Cas often called before leaving the bunker, letting her know that he was heading home, but this time she knew something was wrong by his first words. "Hi, Cas!" she said.

"I can't come home tonight." he said, his voice a dull monotone. She could tell he was trying to sound normal.

"What's happened?" she said.

"Is Sarah with you?" he said.

"I'll put you on speaker." she said.

"I may not be back for a while." he said. His voice still sounded wrong.

"What's wrong?" said Jules.

Sarah sat at the table and gestured for Jules to do the same. They put the phone between them. "It's fine, dear." said Sarah, "Just tell us."

"Dean ... "

Jules felt her heart lurch as his voice choked off.

He tried again. "Dean's lost. Dean's gone."

"Dead?" said Sarah and Jules took her hand. She knew what Dean meant to Sarah and what it cost her to even imagine the death of another son.

"Not dead. I hope not dead." said Cas, "He ... " Whatever it was, he couldn't say it.

"Michael?" she said, hating even to speak the name to him, knowing how many of his fears were wrapped around it.

"Yes." he said, the word raw and painful.

"Possession?" she said.

"Yes." he said again.

"But angels need consent and Dean ... "

"Dean gave consent." said Cas.

Sarah squeezed her hand and Jules squeezed back. "Where is Dean now?" she said.

"I don't know." he said, "It wasn't his fault. It wasn't his choice. Sam and Jack were in danger. Lucifer is dead, at least. Dean never would have ... "

"We know that, Castiel." said Sarah firmly, "Come home."

"I can't. We have to find Dean, if there still is a Dean. And if not, we have to find and destroy Michael. Right now, we don't know where to begin. I'll be at the bunker for as long as I'm needed ... as long as there's a chance I might be useful."

"When you get a chance, fill me in on the details." said Jules, "My hunters can look for him too."

"Carefully." said Cas, "I can't lose you too."

"Sam and Jack are safe?" said Sarah.

"Lucifer took Jack's grace. Sam is devastated, of course. Both are alive and at the bunker." said Cas. He sounded lost. Jules longed to hug him.

"Can I come to you?" she said.

"The bunker isn't safe. Stay there. Make no attempt to contact Dean. You both need to take great care."

"I need to see you." she said.

"No, you don't." he said, "Keep safe."

Sarah spoke. "Castiel, you shouldn't be alone."

"I'm with Sam and Jack." he said, "They need me."

"My dear, I need to see you. So does Jules. You're frightening us."

"You're safe where you are. I made that place safe." he said.

"We're worried about you." said Jules.

"Michael won't lower himself to kill me. I am nothing." said Cas.

"You're everything to me." said Jules.

"I'm sorry. I love you." he said.

"Don't hang up!" she said.

"We need to find Dean." he said and he ended the call.

Jules looked at Sarah. "He blames himself."

"For everything since the dawn of time." said Sarah.

"Jack's just a human now?"

"Sounds like it. He must be frightened."

"And Sam. Poor Sam." said Jules.

"None of them are going to eat or sleep or take care of themselves until they find Dean." said Sarah, "And I can't imagine what state Dean is in."

"If Michael didn't just kill him."

"You don't steal a '67 Impala and then throw out the engine." said Sarah, "Dean's alive."

"What do we do about Cas?" said Jules.

"We get him here, somehow. The others too, if we can. We give them whatever they need. We give our boys all the support they will allow."

"Without Dean, Cas will be a mess."

"They all will." said Sarah, "I know this is hard for you, Jules. I know your life with Castiel has not been much of a fairytale so far ... "

"I'd rather be in a horror story with him than a fairytale without him." said Jules, "I'll take whatever comes, anything but losing him." She went to the stove and set the kettle on it. "I'll make some tea. This is harder for you than for me, Sarah. You and Dean are so close."

"The thought of that monster inside him ... and he feared possession so much."

"I never thought he would say yes to Michael, but Cas always thought it was a possibility. The thought of it was always at the back of his mind."

"Speaking of the back of his mind, could the mental link between him and Dean help them to find him?"

"I'll suggest it, next time he gets in touch." she said, worrying that he might not.

"I'd better call Sam." said Sarah. She took her phone from her pocket and tried. "Voicemail." she said, "Sam, I heard about Dean. Call me or come here. Jules and I want to help." She put the phone away. "Come here, Jules." she said.

Jules went over to her, gently laying a hand on her shoulder. "We'll get through this together." she said, "We have each other." She meant it. She had no family in this world, no roots, no history, but she and Sarah had adopted each other and even though they had not lived under the same roof for long, that seemed a stronger bond than blood. "Your people will be my people and your God my God." she said.

"My Ruth, my daughter," said Sarah, "I promise you, we will bring our angel home. We will have all our boys safely back with us."

"He thinks he's staying away to help them and protect us, but he doesn't want to come home." said Jules, "He's ashamed."

"I love how quickly you've understood him, but I hate that you have to understand his pain." said Sarah.

"Our angel has so much baggage, he needs a wagon train." said Jules.

"I tried to help him unpack a little of it, but all my work with all of them is in jeopardy now. This is like a hammer blow. It will shatter them all."

"Yes." said Jules, "But we can't let it break us too. They need us. Cas needs us."

"I'm so glad he has you, my dear." said Sarah.

"He has both of us. Alone, I'd be no use at all."


	2. Chapter 2

Sam looked at the huddled shape on the bed, helpless and human, trying not to cry because the only way to make things worse would be to share his unbearable pain and loss with them. Jack's face was turned away from the door, his shoulders were rigid with the effort of holding in his sobs. Sometimes they forgot how young he was, but now, the child hidden behind the young man was all too visible and shaking with fear and grief and guilt.

Sam knew how it felt to have to swallow all those troublesome feelings. Too often, as a kid, he had tried to hide his suffering from Dean and from their father, trying to be strong for his family. He knew that, if he walked out of the room and left Jack there, the kid would calm himself and put on a mask Sam and Dean had worn too often themselves. Life would go on and Jack would ensure that his devastation was as close to invisible as it could be. He would Dean Winchester his way through and he had the strength to do it, the courage to stand alone.

Sam remembered the sound of the closing door, the relief that he had fooled them, then the crushing sense of loneliness, the weight of all that unshared pain. He sat on the edge of Jack's bed and said, "Jack, we'll find Dean, We'll deal with Michael and we'll bring Dean home."

"If I hadn't listened to Lucifer ... "

"No!" said Sam, "This is not your fault. None of this is."

"I wanted to believe ... "

"Lucifer and Michael did this. Lucifer is dead and deserves to be and Michael soon will be." Sam put his hand on Jack's shoulder, "You were ready to die for us, Jack. And for the world."

"I wish I had." said Jack, "Better me than Dean."

"Dean's not dead."

"Dean's worse than dead."

Sam wondered what Dean would say. When they were kids, Dean had always seemed to know exactly what to say to reassure him. He stroked Jack's shoulder, wishing he could silence the cacophony in his own head for long enough to soothe the grieving child. "We'll save Dean." said Sam.

"How?" said Jack.

"I don't know, but remember, we have an ally. Dean will be fighting every step of the way. Dean may throw that dick out before we even find them. You think any archangel stands a chance against a pissed Dean Winchester? Dean'll pull his wings off."

"We had a chance to beat Michael, but that chance was me and now I have no powers." said Jack, sitting up. Sam saw the streaks of tears on his face.

"We'll need a Plan B." he said, sounding even to himself as if he believed they could find one.

"If this world dies, that's my fault." said Jack.

"Well, first, we are not gonna let it die and second, no it's not. If anything, it's my fault, because I didn't make sure Lucifer was dead. I never thought he and Michael would make a deal. I should have known, Lucifer can talk his way out of anything."

"Could." said Jack, "He's dead. He's staying dead." There was strength in that voice, not nephilim power, but the strength he had inherited from his mother.

Sam hugged him. "Jack, I promise, we will find Dean and fix this. Now, you need to get some rest. You're human for now. You need sleep a lot more than you used to. If you need anything, I'll be in the library."

"You've always been human." said Jack, "So you need sleep too."

"I'll sleep after we find Dean." said Sam. He went to the door. Turning back, he said, "None of this is on you, Jack."

"That's not how it feels." said Jack.

"I know, but this was Dean's choice, made because of my mistake. He wouldn't want you to blame yourself. He'd call you a dumbass for doing it."

"Keeping me alive hasn't worked out too well, has it?" said Jack.

"We got Mom back because of you." said Sam, "You also refused to kill me. You're one of us, kid, forever. I'm glad we kept you alive. I'm glad Dean saved you, whatever the cost. He chose to pay that price for us. He thought you were worth it."

"Do you think I was?" said Jack.

Sam looked into the innocent blue eyes and wished he could give any answer that would restore peace to them. He did believe that Jack was worth any sacrifice, but losing Dean was unbearable to him and he didn't know any way to hide the fact.

"You don't, do you?" said Jack.

"Knowing that what he did was the only thing he could do and that Cas and I would both have made the same choice doesn't make it easier to lose him like this." said Sam carefully.

"If you had been there, would you have let Dean make that decision?" said Jack, cutting through the crap as was so often his way.

"You think I had any chance of stopping him?"

"Would you have tried?"

"Yes, but when it became clear it was the only way ... " His voice trailed off. What he had said was true. He would have let Dean do it, if he believed it were the only way to save Jack. He would have fought it all the way if it were to save his life, but for Jack ... But that felt like a terrible thing to admit. He would have given up Dean for Jack. He would have allowed his brother to make that choice, knowing what that choice meant for Dean. "I have to work on finding Dean." he said.

"Sam, I didn't mean to cause you pain."

"It's not you, Jack. None of it is you. Dean made the choice and I think it was the only choice any of us could have made. Get some sleep, okay? We'll talk tomorrow." He closed Jacks door behind him just before the first tear escaped his eye.


	3. Chapter 3

Hours of searching for any sign of an out of control archangel on the loose proved useless as well as exhausting. At some point in the night, Sam was vaguely aware of his mother putting coffee beside him and he thanked her without really hearing what was probably a loving check on his wellbeing and drank the coffee without really tasting it.

He stared at the tablet's screen until he could barely recognise it, willing it to show him Dean's location. If he could find him, he could fight for him, perhaps make him fight. With no clue, he was helpless, useless and alone.

Hours passed and he came close to falling asleep a few times, getting angrier with himself every time his head nodded. He went to the kitchen around 3 am for more coffee. Cas was sitting at the table, staring at his phone. Angels had no need of rest, but still he looked exhausted.

"No signs of anything apocalyptic yet." said Sam, "You might as well go home. At least have breakfast with Sarah and Jules."

"No, I'll stay." said Cas.

Sam noticed he was avoiding eye contact. He wondered what recriminations were being hurled his way, unspoken but not unthought. He couldn't blame Cas for being resentful. If he had made better decisions, they would not be in this mess.

"I hate to ask," he said, "But do you think the mindlink ... "

"It's gone." said Cas, "I felt it die. At least, I hope it was only the link I felt die. Either Michael found it and closed it to cut Dean off from any help or Dean did it to stop Michael using it." Just speaking their names in close proximity seemed painful to him and Sam knew the loss of the mindlink must be breaking his heart. "Or there is no Dean." said Cas, adding, "Sorry. That's not what you want to hear."

"No, it isn't." said Sam, "But it's possible."

Cas didn't reply, so Sam started to make the coffee. "Have you checked on Jack?" he said.

"A while ago." said Cas, "He was asleep. He must be exhausted."

"Yeah. Kid's been through a lot."

Cas briefly met his gaze. "As I'm the only one here who still doesn't need to sleep, you should probably go to bed and leave me to search."

"I won't sleep anyway. I'd rather be useful." said Sam.

"I could put you to sleep. You're human, Sam."

"I never thought I'd be sorry to hear someone say that."

"Dean would want you to take care of yourself."

"I don't give a damn what Dean wants." said Sam, more angrily than he had intended. He raised a hand in apology. "I'm sorry."

"I understand." said Cas, sounding as if he didn't.

"Cas, I didn't mean ... Look, this situation ... "

"I know." said Cas.

Sam felt irrationally angry with Cas for being so calm and reasonable, hiding any resentment. He wanted him to yell and snarl and snipe. He wanted him to be Dean.

Once he got past that stupid need for a fight with his brother, he realised how dead and dull Cas's voice sounded. His calm was just shock and deep sorrow and the same feeling of helplessness Sam was battling.

Sam still wanted to shout and yell and lose it. Anger felt so much safer than any of the other emotions he was feeling, better certainly than the guilt. He concentrated on the coffee, forcing himself to get his feelings under control. He poured two mugs of coffee and put one in front of Cas. "Drink that. You'll feel better."

"No." said Cas, "I won't." but he started to drink anyway.

Sam sat opposite him. "I know things look bad right now ... "

"Look bad?"

"Are bad. Could hardly be worse."

"If Dean is ... "

"He's not." said Sam quickly.

"No, he's not." said Cas, with little conviction and less hope.

"We'll get him back. We always do. You should tell Jules everything we know. She's a hell of a hunter."

"You should talk to her." said Cas.

"You live with her. She'll wanna hear your voice anyway." Silently, he acknowledged to himself that hearing it now would not reassure her much.

"When I called her, she was upset."

"Of course she was."

"I should not upset her further." That troubled Sam. He knew how easily Cas could convince himself that he should end the relationship because she deserved better.

He sat down opposite Cas and said, "It could take a while to find Dean."

"Yes." said Cas.

"And this place is gonna be chaotic." He needed to say more, but he found emotional honesty hard enough when he hadn't just had his heart shatter in his chest. He looked at Cas's face, seeing a hint of the desolation behind the dispassionate façade and knowing that one of them had to be honest. "I'm gonna be a mess." he said, "Sarah, Jules, your bees, they're gonna be a good support to you right now."

"Like Dean was?" said Cas.

"Exactly like Dean is." said Sam, correcting the tense for both their sakes.

"Only, I just lost Dean. I just let Dean get taken by Michael. Who should be next? Sarah or Jules?" Cas stood. "I know you don't want me here and I don't want to be here. I'll try to stay out of your way, but I have obligations!"

"Cas, of course I want you here ... "

"Good. Then forget about the farm. The farm doesn't exist, for either of us, until this is fixed. Dead or alive, Dean needs our full attention right now."

"Have you told them that?" said Sam.

"Yes."

"What did they say?"

"They understood." said Cas.

"Cas, Jules could help us find Dean." said Sam.

"I know." said Cas, "But I am not involving her. You can do what you like."

"I'm not leaving a hunter that good on the bench when Dean needs all the help we can get."

"Your decision." said Cas.

"You still won't talk to her?"

Cas walked out without another word.

"Idiot angel!" muttered Sam. Cas was cutting himself off from unconditional love and support. Sam took out his phone and listened again to the voicemail from Sarah, before deleting it.


	4. Chapter 4

Jack woke, feeling a pounding in his head and a weight on his chest. He had slept, but not well and his dreams had replayed images from the horrors of the day before. His father's death caused no pain. Lucifer had repeatedly chosen evil when he had every opportunity to do good and Dean, who had only ever wanted to do the right thing, to help people, had fallen victim to an evil even worse than Lucifer.

He remembered Sam, trying to comfort him as his own pain shimmered in the air around them. Later, Cas had looked in on him and he had pretended to be asleep, because he had no words with which to comfort either of them. He felt stupid and weak and he wished he had acted sooner to save Sam and prevent Dean from making such a terrible decision.

He had never felt cold in the bunker before. He had never really felt the cold at all. Now he did. His neck was stiff, his shoulders ached and he just wanted to huddle under a blanket and sleep for a week.

He couldn't, though. Sam and Cas needed him and he needed to put right what he had done wrong in any way he could. He got up, dressed in the first clothes that came to hand and went to the kitchen, where Mary, without a word, guided him to a chair and set about preparing his breakfast.

"Where are Sam and Castiel?" he said. It was best not to mention her weary, reddened eyes. He could pretend he was too young and inhuman to know she had been crying.

"Trying to find Dean." she said, "Sam is in the library."

"Have you called Jules and Jody and Donna?"

"I called Jody. Jody will tell Donna." said Mary, "I assume Cas has called Jules." She frowned at him. "You look awful."

"I'm fine." he said, "How are the others?"

"Don't worry about them. That's my job." she said.

"That sounds bad."

"You need to think about yourself, Jack." she said, "What happened to you ... "

"Means I am useless in battle against Michael." he said, "So maybe I have no value except to take care of Sam and Castiel."

"They won't let you." she said, "Sam's only communicating with me in single syllables and Cas just walks away whenever anyone tries to talk to him."

She put a fried breakfast in front of him. A sudden hunger told him the smell was delicious, but he took none of the usual pleasure in it. Mary smiled in sad sympathy. "I don't have much appetite either, but we have to stay strong."

"So do they." he said. Yesterday, he had been blessed with three loving fathers and cursed with one monster who had given him life and then snatched away his grace. Now, he felt orphaned.

"I've always known I could lose one or all of them at any time." she said, "But knowing that doesn't make it any easier."

"Is he lost forever?" said Jack.

"If he is, then everything was for nothing." she said, "And if I start thinking like that, I'll just drive off a cliff or something."

"Have you tried calling any of his numbers?" said Jack, "Maybe if he saw your name ... "

"I want to." she said, "I want to scream his name until he hears me. But Michael is powerful and dangerous and that might be the fastest way to convince him he has to kill Dean, or everyone Dean loves."

"Sam was willing to die to save me." said Jack. It seemed important to tell her that. "Dean did what he did to save Sam and me." he added, which he didn't feel so good about saying.

"Jack," she said gently, "I know I will probably never see Sam or Dean have kids of their own. I accept that. We're hunters. The life screwed up any hope they had of a normal life. I do have a grandson, though. He means the world to me. If I'd been in Dean's place, or Sam's, my decision would have been the same as theirs. You matter, to them, to me and to the world."

"I'm still sorry." he said.

"It's what we do, Jack. We take the least worst thing, however bad, that needs to be done and we do it and then we deal with the tsunami of crap that follows. It's not clever, but it has a certain style. It keeps us in the game."

"And as long as we're still playing, we can always find a way out." he said.

"Exactly. It's hard to be positive right now and part of me wants to fall to the ground and cry until I'm a dry, lifeless husk, but that won't bring Dean back and I need him back."

"We all do." said Jack.

"And we'll do it. That thing won't keep Dean or conquer this world. This is his last battle. This is where he loses."

"We have no weapon now to use against him."

"We have a talented witch. We have the world's best hunter. We have the best hunters of another world. We have Cas. And if none of those can take down an archangel, I will tear his wings off myself."

"I would have died, to spare Dean and Sam." said Jack, "I still will. Whatever I can do, I want to do."

"Sometimes, you are so like them." she said.

"You think so?" he said. He could not imagine higher praise.

"I want you to remember this, Jack. Dean loved you. Sam loves you. Castiel loves you. We all do. And we are proud of you. We always will be. Nephilim or human, you will always be Jack. And Jack, Jack, is brave and decent and strong. Now, eat your breakfast and wish me luck. I'm about to convince Sam to eat or sleep or, preferably, both."

"Good luck." said Jack.

She gave him one last, brave, sad smile and left.


	5. Chapter 5

Rowena sounded unimpressed when Sam called her. "Michael? Michael the Archangel? And your idiot brother just handed over his vessel?"

"He had no choice." said Sam, wishing she would, just for once, drop the attitude and pitch in. "Can you come back here, please?" he said.

There was a long silence. Sam wondered whether Dean would have convinced her more easily. Eventually, she said, "Of course I will. I'm not going toe to toe with an archangel again for anyone, but if I can help with little risk to myself, I will. Someone has to help Dean. He's my second favourite Winchester."

"Is Charlie still with you?" said Sam.

"No, she went her own way. I suggest you call her. She won't react well to my voice. I'm afraid we had a little difference of opinion and words were said."

"Is there anybody you don't piss off?" he said.

He could hear the smile in her voice. "Oh, darlin', I hope not. It's my superpower. Well, one of them. Speaking of irritation, how's my other Winchester? Without your brother, you must be ... "

"Just get here, as fast as you can. And if you can come up with a tracking spell ... "

"Didn't you say that Gabriel detected my tracking spell?" she said.

"Yeah. So what?"

"I told you. I'm not running any suicide missions. I have died enough for the Winchesters."

"Could you track Dean, rather than Michael?"

"You don't think Michael will be expecting that?" she said.

He sighed. "Just get here."

"Give me three hours. I have a few things to attend to here."

"Where is here and what are the things?" he said.

"Sam, you are not my mother or my keeper and no honest answer to those questions will put your mind at ease, so let's just agree that when I am out of your sight, I am also out of your mind."

"And quite possibly out of yours." he said.

She chuckled. "I like you, giant. I always have. Try not to worry about Dean. I'm the first to recite his faults, but weakness has never been one of them. That archangel may burn out his own grace, just trying to keep Dean under control."

"Do you think we can hope to defeat him?" said Sam, knowing it was an unfair question, asked only because of a childish need for reassurance.

There was no sarcasm in her reply. "I know more about archangels than any sane person would want to and more about you and your family too and I can't say for sure, but one thing I do know, I would never, ever, bet against the Winchesters. I'll see you soon. Kiss Castiel for me."

"No, I won't." he said.

"Your loss."

He thought his next call should be to Charlie, but he was reluctant to bring her in. Cas resented him. He felt that he and his mother were trying not to let their emotions stir up conflict within the family. Winchesters needed some effort to prevent that.

If Charlie and Rowena were not on friendly terms, bringing them together would be an unnecessary distraction and besides, he felt uneasy about involving New Charlie in the kinds of danger that had led to the death of their Charlie.

His mother came into the library with Bobby. "Still a no on the breakfast?" she said.

"Mom, there's a refrigerator full of food." he said, "I'll grab something later."

"If you need someone to take over for a few hours while you get some rest ... " said Bobby.

"I don't. Thanks for the offer, but I don't." said Sam, "Rowena's heading back."

"She can't just, 'Poof!' and arrive here?" said Bobby.

"Probably. I really don't care. She has stuff to do."

"More important stuff than saving the world?" said Bobby.

"To her, yes." said Sam.

"And you're okay with that?"

"Right now, I'm not okay with anything, but Rowena is not asking for my approval."

"She's something of a wild card at the best of times." said Mary.

"Well, when she gets here, we need a strategy meeting." said Bobby.

"We have no strategy." said Sam.

"Very much my point." said Bobby, "I know this is a rough time and all this brooding pessimism is justified and understandable. I mean, I like Dean and I hope to Hell we can save him, but there is another angle we need to consider."

"What angle?" said Mary, visibly bristling at his cavalier attitude to Dean's plight.

"We have a chance here, Mary, a chance to take Michael down. We have a fine hunter, a real warrior on the inside. Maybe he'll fight with us against Michael."

"That hunter is my brother." said Sam, almost welcoming the anger that was rising up his throat. It had more power and energy than the despair it pushed aside.

"And my son." said Mary, "He's not expendable."

"Your brother and your son has won impossible battles before. If there is one person in the world who can fight Michael in his own head, it's Dean." said Bobby.

"I fought Lucifer in mine." said Sam.

"And won." said his mother.

"For a second." said Sam, "Bobby, you don't know what that would be asking of Dean. And trust me, Michael knows how strong Dean is. He will have locked him down tight. The first priority is a rescue mission, not to force Dean to fight for us."

"Dean is a huge advantage."

"Dean has been to Hell and back. He bore the mark of Cain. He has died many times. He killed ... He killed Lucifer for us. He is in this mess now because of us ... because of me. He's not some weapon, some stratagem. He's my brother and he's hurt worse than he ever has been before."

"Dean had the mark of Cain?" said his mother.

"Yes, another time he sacrificed the integrity of his soul. Dean has made enough sacrifices." He stood.

"We should make sure this one means something." said Bobby.

Sam looked into his eyes until Bobby backed down. Then he turned to his mother. "Mom, call Jules and ask her if she can be here this afternoon."

"Shouldn't Cas call her."

"Cas doesn't want her here. He doesn't want her involved."

"Then should we ... "

"Call her, or I will."

"Eat something and I'll call her." she said.

"Fine. I'll go eat."

"Any message for Sarah?" she said.

"Tell her I'll call when I get a chance." said Sam, "And tell her I'm sorry that things are getting in the way."

"Sam, you can't just ... "

He stopped in the doorway. "Just until Dean is safe, okay?"

"Okay, Sam." she said.


	6. Chapter 6

Cas sat on the floor in one of the archives, sorting through notes on archangels that were mostly wrong. From time to time, he prodded at the dead space in his mind that used to be the way to Bobby's that he shared with Dean, wondering if it could be reopened, but there was nothing there.

He could have stopped Dean from offering his vessel. He could have offered his own, which he knew could hold an archangel for a time. He knew Michael would not have taken it in preference to his perfect vessel, but he could have tried.

His gaze fell onto a scribbled note. "Angels do nothing that does not suit their purpose." It felt like an accusation.

His phone vibrated. He looked at the message from Jules. "Let's talk."

He sent back, "No. I'm sorry."

Another text appeared. "I love you."

He didn't reply. Eventually, another one said, "Sleepover?"

"No. Sorry." he sent.

"OK." she sent.

"Sorry." he sent again. He turned off the phone.

Sarah's prayer came moments later. "My dear Castiel, I know you feel very alone right now. I just want you to know, we both love you very much and you can always come home."

He got up and unlocked the door. He listened, to ensure that nobody was around and then he left. He went on top of the bunker where the bright beehive waited for the swarm Sarah had promised him. For a little while, the future had seemed good, but now there was no future, just a series of binary disasters. Either Dean was dead or he was in torment. Either they would free him or they would have to kill him and if they freed him, what state would he be in? What deeper wounds would he have to carry for the rest of his life?

Even if he could be saved and freed and healed, which was doubtful, the connection they had once had was gone, not just the mind link, but the trust that had made it possible, the friendship that had built that trust.

It had not escaped his attention that Dean had not even glanced at him before making his offer. Before the link had died, Dean had already abandoned him. It was probable that he would not have asked Sam's opinion either, or listened to his objections, but it still hurt.

It shouldn't hurt. He knew that. It shouldn't matter. Whether he considered himself a Winchester or an angel, the Winchester should forgive everything and the angel shouldn't care. It seemed he was just Castiel, grieving a loss he scarcely comprehended, afraid to tell the people who loved him how feeble his faith was and how needy his love could be.

He also didn't want to have to tell Sam why he had let Dean sacrifice himself. He could see the resentment in Sam's eyes. He heard it in his voice. Sam was keeping a lid on his anger for now, so they could work together to find Dean, but eventually, that simmering Winchester anger would explode into rage.

Alone, outside the bunker, Cas was aware that all of that was less relevant than it should have been. Winchesters found a way to go on. Dean had lost his mother aged four and he had barely missed a step. Both he and Sam had spent a lot of time in Hell and only come out stronger. Cas had been created to be unbreakable.

He should have been the strongest.

Sam would fight on no matter what.

Castiel had no desire to live a day longer than Dean.

And that was a betrayal of Jules, whom he had claimed to love, of Sarah, with whom he had talked of eternity, of Sam, to whom he owed a lifetime of protection and service. Even Dean would despise him for it.

Dean would tell him there was no excuse to stop fighting. But Dean had promised never to say yes to Michael. Though Cas understood why he had and honestly could not see any other choice he could have made, he was still angry at the broken promise. It felt like a knife in his chest, although, strangely, he had never really resented the actual knife to the chest that had been Dean's unconventional greeting when they first met.

If Dean were alive and could be rescued, Cas had no intention of abandoning him. If he were so damaged he would never again be recognisably himself, Cas would devotedly tend to whatever remained, whatever that took. If there were one thought in Dean's head that remained Dean's, Cas would serve that thought, even if it meant subjugation or death, but if he were lost ... if Dean no longer existed ...

He took the lighter Dean had given him from his pocket. He stared at the Latin inscription, four words that each could say to the other. He didn't know why this time felt different. Perhaps it was that he felt cast off by Heaven. He was less alone than he had ever been in human terms, but he no longer considered himself much of an angel. Dean had first made him think of living outside the cold, celestial order and he needed Dean to guide him.

Of course, he loved Jules, but equally obviously, if Dean's guidance were gone from his life, he had no chance of being worthy of her. Besides, the shattered thing he would be if he had to confess to himself that Dean was gone would be a bad burden to lay upon anyone. She would try to mend his broken spirit and she would fail. He knew what horrific creature he would drag back to the farm if Dean were lost. Neither Jules nor Sarah deserved that.

He told himself he was being realistic. He didn't plan to die. He just had no plan to live, if there would no longer be anything to live for. While there was even the smallest hope, he would continue. He would live for Sam and Jules and Sarah and Jack and for Dean, whether there was enough of Dean left to care or not. It was just that he could not say to any of them that he had no plans or hope or strength beyond the loss of Dean.

At the same time, he knew that Sarah and Jules, at least, needed him to be honest. He probed the deadness at the back of his mind again. Nothing. He put the lighter back in his pocket, knowing that, if he ever reached the point where he could throw it away, everything was over. For now, he clung to the tiny hope that Dean was not eternally out of their reach.


	7. Chapter 7

When Sam went looking for Cas, Paul mentioned seeing him leave the bunker and Sam was worried that he had wandered off. It was never easy to know the current mental and emotional state of so private and uncommunicative an angel and Sam could only guess at his condition now.

Walking off earlier might have been a way to avoid discussing the Jules situation, which was clearly not running smoothly, or it might have been just that Cas could not discuss Dean with the person he blamed most for his loss. Cas could have decided to disappear. Something he was all too good at when life became complicated.

So Sam was relieved when he went onto the path above the bunker and saw Cas sitting under a tree. Carefully, as nonconfrontationally as he could, he went over and sat beside him. He took the bottles he had brought out of his jacket pockets. I brought you a beer." he said.

"Why?" said Cas, taking it.

"You never ask Dean that." said Sam.

"With Dean, the beer is rarely the point of the interaction." said Cas. He opened the bottle and took a drink. "Thanks." he said.

Sam shrugged. Cas was sometimes pretty perceptive. He opened his own beer. "We're gonna talk strategy." he said.

"Good." said Cas, infuriatingly impassive.

"I want you to be there." said Sam.

Cas didn't answer. He looked into the bottle in his hand.

"Cas, I know I ... " His voice faltered. Choosing the wrong words could anger or upset Cas so much he would leave. He wasn't even sure mentioning Dean would be a good idea. They both knew Sam's part in the whole mess and only millions of years of self-control could be keeping Cas from hurling him from the hill in fury. "I'm sorry." he said.

"Don't be." said Cas, "I understand."

"You understand?" said Sam.

"Of course." said Cas.

"What do you understand?" said Sam.

"Don't." said Cas. He stood.

"Cas, stay here." said Sam, "We don't have to talk about it."

Cas sat back down. "Anger ... "

"Nobody is in control of their emotions right now. Let's just work around them." said Sam, wondering whether Cas would ever be able to forgive him. Maybe, if Dean could be brought home. "For Dean." he said.

"Of course." said Cas.

"We will get him back." said Sam.

"Or die trying." said Cas.

"Yeah, maybe both." said Sam, "I'm not gonna pretend this isn't a bad situation. That's why we need everyone working together, regardless of their personal feelings on the matter. You understand?"

"Completely." said Cas.

"Good. Because I know you have every reason ... "

"We were talking about working around our emotions." said Cas, "For that to work, I feel we must temporarily put them aside."

"You won't even talk about it?"

"You think an apology will fix this?"

"No, I don't." said Sam, wishing it could be that simple.

"Then what will talking achieve? When Dean is safe, we can argue it out as much as you want."

"I would do anything to ... "

"Yes. So that's agreed?" said Cas quickly.

"What about the Pact?" said Sam.

"What Pact? That died with Dean ... or anyway, it exists only when we do. While Dean is out of play ... "

"You really think he's dead, don't you?" said Sam.

Cas took a long drink before quietly replying, "I hope not, but the possibility exists. It borders on probability."

"No. Dean may be imprisoned, but he isn't dead. Not this time." said Sam, knowing that he did not and could not know that.

"No." said Cas, with an obvious lack of confidence.

"Jules is coming in a while." said Sam, "I know you didn't want her here, but we need all the hunters we can get."

"Yes, I accept the necessity." said Cas.

"Can you two discuss the Dean situation, whatever is going on between you?"

"Of course. We are neither of us children."

"And you don't wanna discuss what's going on between you two? I get that you want to protect her, but you don't just switch off a relationship because one of you is having a bad time."

"It's not that." said Cas.

"Then what is it?"

"You wouldn't understand."

"I wouldn't?"

"I'm trying to do what's right." said Cas.

"And you think I don't understand that?" said Sam.

"I love her. If it were up to me, we would be together all the time. I hate being apart from her. I hate making her feel rejected."

"How is it not up to you?" said Sam.

"Nothing has ever been up to me." said Cas and his voice shook a little. His hand, too, as he raised the bottle to his lips.

Sam caught his wrist just before he drank. "Listen, Cas, I know it feels like we're leaves in a tornado and we don't get to make choices and sometimes it feels like all the choices we make are bad, but you chose to be with Jules and that made both of you happy, so don't give up on that choice. Don't let anyone or anything take you away from her."

"Why do you care so much?" said Cas.

"When Dean is back, I don't want his first words to me to be, 'Why the hell did you let Cas give up on Jules?'" said Sam.

"I'm not giving up on her. Maybe I am giving up on me."

"Yeah, well, that's worse. Anyway, for now, I just need you to work together and be polite."

"Not a problem. There is no animosity." said Cas, before taking a long drink from the bottle.

"Well, that's something. Look, I should warn you, Bobby's talking like having Dean in the mix means we have an advantage over Michael. Mom and I don't see it that way."

"Bobby is very practical." said Cas. It sounded like respect, but Sam knew it was barely concealed anger.

"Yeah, I wanna punch him too."

"He's right." said Cas, "If Dean is alive ... "

"Dean is alive."

"Then Michael will have an enemy in his own vessel."

"It's not his." said Sam.

"No." said Cas.

"You're really telling me you see it that way too? That Dean is an asset?"

"No." said Cas again.

"No. Dean is a hostage." said Sam.

"All archangels fall." said Cas and Sam hated the look of desolation on his face. After God and the angels and archangels had all let him down, he had put his faith in Dean and now even that consolation was gone.

"Cas," he said kindly, "I know this isn't the time and you don't wanna talk about it, but I need you to know, Mom and Jack and I will always be here for you."

"After everything I've done?" said Cas.

"Because of everything you've done." said Sam, "I know the Dean situation is screwed to Hell, but as far as I'm concerned, the Pact still stands and even if, right now, you feel ... "

Cas stood. "I need some time to prepare for the meeting."

"Sure. Take all the time you need."

"Thanks for the beer and for the ... Thanks." said Cas.

"If you need anything, anything at all, just say." said Sam.

"What I need, you don't have the power to give." said Cas, "But thanks. And if I can be of service to you or your mother, let me know." He walked off down the hill, a forlorn figure, for one so powerful. Sam watched him go, feeling his own powerlessness acutely.


	8. Chapter 8

Jules arrived at the bunker and parked her Jeep in the garage. Sarah had resisted the urge to join her, but she knew that Sarah would not stay away much longer if neither of her boys got in touch. The painful but hopefully temporary loss of Dean was bad enough.

She got out of the Jeep and walked over to the Impala. Looking at it was hard, when she knew that Dean was not around. The solid presence of the car he loved underlined his absence. She felt an ache in her chest, the familiar feeling of another terrible loss.

She barely knew Dean, although their commonalities created a kind of chemistry. They understood each other. The general affinity between similar hunters was increased by a shared sense of humour, a mutual respect and their shared love of Castiel. His loss hurt her most because of how it hurt Cas, but unless he became their enemy, Dean tended to become everyone's big brother and there was a personal grief to be dealt with, as soon as she could spare the time from supporting Cas and Sarah through theirs.

She stroked the roof of the car. "We'll get him back for you, Baby." she said. She wasn't sure whether she meant the car or Cas, but she was sincere. People had said to her for years, "Don't think about the ones we lose. Just protect what we have." She had never been any good at that. Cold logic never came easily to her.

"Jules!" said Jack, coming over to greet her.

She hugged him. It seemed the natural thing to do and he didn't seem uncomfortable. "How are you doing, Jack?" she said. She stepped back. His paleness worried her. His eyes looked tired. Nobody knew what would happen to a nephilim who lost his grace.

"Everyone's worried about me." he said, "But I'm fine." She smiled. The hunter's lie, the Winchester lie, spoken from the most honest of hearts to spare those who loved him any more pain.

"If you need to come to the farm for a while, you know you'll always be welcome there." she said.

"I may do that." he said, "I'm no use here now. I'm so sorry, Jules. I know everyone was counting on me to stop Michael. Now I have no powers."

"We'll stop him." she said, with more confidence than she felt, "You just need to get well."

"I'm not ill. I'm just human." he said.

"To me, you were always human." she said, "Just with a little extra kaboom. Your grace should come back, but until it does, you need to take care of yourself. Cas needs you to take care of yourself. Think of it as a way of helping him."

"I'd do anything to make all this easier for him." said Jack, "How's Sarah?"

"Heartbroken." said Jules, "She loves Dean. Losing him like this has been hard."

"Why didn't she come with you?" he said after a glance at the Jeep.

"She wants to give Sam a little space. If you need her, trust me, she will come."

"Sam's not handling this well." said Jack, "I don't mean he's not dealing with the situation. He's single-minded and calm and he's keeping everyone focused, but he's hardly eating. He hasn't taken so much as a nap since ... well, you know. I want to help him. Even without my powers, I should be able to be ... I don't know ... "

"Supportive?"

"Yes. Exactly."

She smiled at him. He was a child, betrayed by his own father, dealing with a grievous injury that had diminished him to a mere human and instead of indulging in self-pity, which would have been completely understandable, he wanted to help Sam.

"I don't think you have any idea how much you help everyone." she said, "However bad this is for Sam, it would be so much worse without you. I know you feel like you're giving them all more trouble, but you're not. Sam needs someone to take care of, someone to worry about, someone to make him get out of his own head."

"I suppose that makes sense." he said.

"Sarah may need to mother you a bit too." she said.

"I'm fine with that." he said, "How about you? I mean, you're sort of, almost, a little bit my stepmother."

She looked into the innocent, honest blue eyes that reminded her so much of Castiel's. How could she explain the current state of her relationship with Cas to Jack, when she had very little idea where it was going herself.

Then she realised that it made no difference whether her relationship with Cas would succeed or fail or whether he wanted to share Jack with her, when Jack was everything to him. Cas was distant and in pain, perhaps as unable to connect to any of his family as he was to talk to her. Anything she could do for this child he loved was a kindness to him, perhaps the only kindness he would allow. "I am, aren't I?" she said.

"So do you need me?" he said.

"Yes, Jack, I really do." she said with complete sincerity. Loving Cas could be a lonely business.

He hugged her warmly. "If you need a good listener, I'm always here." he said.

"Same here." she said, as he let her go, "We'll take care of each other. How's he doing, by the way?" She tried to keep her voice calm.

"He's in another place." said Jack, "It's not that he doesn't want to be one of us, it's just that he's too far away to hear us. I want to talk to him. Why do Winchesters shut themselves off like that?"

"I think because they've always had to. Being a Winchester is hard."

"It would be less hard if they'd let us help." he said.

"They want to protect us."

"Do you feel protected?" he said.

"No, Jack, I don't." she said.

"No. Neither do I."


	9. Chapter 9

Sam lay on his bed and closed his eyes. He needed a brief rest before he had to play the rational hunter again to an audience who knew him too well to be fooled.

He was resisting sleep, even as he sought it, knowing that it was a waste of valuable time and terrified of what dreams may be lurking. He needed rest. At some point, he needed sleep, but awake, he could push aside the thoughts of Dean that were so painful.

Nevertheless, he fell into a kind of sleep and that led to a kind of dream. He was walking down a rough path in a forest with Dean. "I've been looking for you, Dean." he said.

"Not very well." said Dean, "But I guess looking is an improvement."

"I could use some help, some sign." said Sam, trying to ignore the reference to Purgatory.

"Maybe, this time, you need to step up and do the hard work yourself." said Dean.

"That's not fair."

"Nothing about this is fair."

"What if I can't find you?" said Sam.

"Michael is free to do to this world what he did to his. Humanity is screwed, at least in this universe. I'm lost forever. But no pressure."

"Tell me you're alive."

"I'm alive."

"Is that true?"

"You didn't ask for the truth." said Dean with a faint smile.

"Okay, I'm asking for it now."

"Search your feelings, Sammy. Do you feel I'm alive?"

"If I let myself think for a moment that you're not, it's game over. It's hard enough to do all this with you at my side. Without you ... "

"You know that I believe in you."

"Don't say that like you're never coming home." said Sam.

"I may not be. One day, I won't be. Don't give up because of that. Never give up. You keep fighting. If I'm lost, avenge me. Save this world, the one I was willing to die for."

"But you didn't die for the world. You died for me."

"Well, to me, little brother, you were my world."

"I never deserved you." said Sam.

"Probably true, but I think we mean that in different ways." said Dean. He looked up into the tree tops. "I thought Michael would have to honour our deal."

"I know you did, but you knew he couldn't be trusted."

"None of the angels can be trusted."

"Except Castiel." said Sam.

"You trust that shifty son of a bitch? He's saying he's fine, isn't he?"

"I don't trust him on that."

"Never trust an angel or archangel, never sleep with a woman who has a dagger tattoo and never, ever stop fighting. Maybe I am dead and maybe I'm not, but Jack and Mom and Cas and Bobby and Jules are not and don't deserve to be and Michael doesn'ty deserve to win. Whether you can bring me back or not, that doesn't matter. Bobby's right, as usual. Use me if you can. Save me, if you can. Whatever happens, destroy Michael. Deny him this world. You owe it to me."

"If you are alive, I'm bringing you home."

"I know you are, Sammy. I told you, I believe in you."

He woke. He felt more tired than before. The words, "Bobby's right." echoed in his head. He disagreed. He could never see it that way. Dean was not expendable.

Sam cared about the world and the people in it and both of them had always been willing to sacrifice their own lives and souls for it, but now, with Dean in the wind and no obvious way to get him back, Sam had to admit that he didn't care if the world should burn to ashes. There had been enough sacrifice, more than enough of it by Dean.

There was a light knock on the door, followed by his mother's voice. "Sam?"

"Come in." he said.

She did. "Jules is here." she said.

"Is Sarah with her?" he asked.

"No, she stayed home." She sat on the bed. "Did I wake you?"

"No. I was already awake. I had a nap."

"Well, that's something." She looked at him with obvious anxiety.

"I'm okay." he said.

"No, you're not. And if you were okay, I'd worry about you. You're allowed to fall apart a little, under the circumstances."

"That has zero chance of helping Dean and anything that doesn't help Dean ... well, I have no time for it."

"I keep thinking of all the times I let him down or said the wrong thing or wasn't there for him." she said.

"Mom, don't think like that. Having you back in his life made him happier than he has been in years. I know it was a little rocky at first, but even that ... working stuff out with you ... That was so good for him. I wish you could have seen his face when he talked about you or heard the pride and adoration in his voice. He loved you ... He loves you."

"He's alive, Sam. Never doubt it. He's alive and he's struggling against Michael. I know that boy."

He nodded. "He's alive." he said.

"Bobby's trying to find anything that might stop an archangel in its tracks."

"He should work with Jules on that. She's an innovative hunter." he said, "We just need something that will weaken Michael without harming Dean."

"That's a tall order."

"Yeah, I know, but we have the best hunters on our side. In the other world, Michael faced civilians forced into resisting. Here, we have a network of skilled and seasoned hunters. The ending will be very different."

"Just make sure you're still standing when we need to fight. That world died because it didn't have you and Dean. We are already lacking fifty percent of our winning combination."

"That's cute, pretending your concern is strategic, not maternal."

"It's both. I love you and I hate to lose. I don't care what makes it happen, devotion to me or to Dean, worry over Jack, who needs you and will always need you or just sheer stubbornness, Winchester or Campbell. I need you to be okay, Sam. I've lost enough."

He smiled at her. "I need you to be Mary Winchester. I need you to be steel and marble. I need you to help me lead. I don't have Dean's natural capacity. It's gonna take a lot of smoke and mirrors."

"Dean has always believed in you." she said, unconsciously reminding him of his dream.

"Dean believes in fairies." said Sam.


	10. Chapter 10

Cas lay on his bed, looking at the ceiling. He knew Jules was in the building and he knew that she would be the professional hunter and work with them without letting personal feelings get in the way, as would he. Sadly, he also knew he would at some point have to speak to her and that neither she nor Sarah approved of his decision to keep them out of the chaos as much as he could.

If they ended up alone together, she would ask him something he couldn't answer or couldn't lie about. She had a direct, honest, uncomplicated way of getting right to the point and she would ask him some variation on the theme of whether he wanted to split up, which he didn't.

She might insist that he return with her to the farm. With Jack as he was ... with Dean missing ... He wanted to be there, at Sarah's kitchen table, talking about chickens and theology and Def Leppard, but discussing any of those things in Dean's absence would be too painful as well as too distracting.

He had thought he could switch off his feelings for Jules as an act of will. He had, after all, allowed them in a conscious decision. With Dean so much on his mind and the spectre of Michael ever-present in his thoughts, it should have been easy, but he had been around humans too long and in the midst of this emotional storm, he found that he needed her more than ever. She gave him peace and he had never needed peace more. He had to stay away from her and Sarah, keep his pain from adding to theirs, conceal his shame until he could expiate it. It was the right thing to do, for them and for him.

He heard the tentative knock.

"Come in, Jack." he said, sitting up.

"Jules is here." said Jack.

"Rowena?"

"No. Not yet." He looked grave and troubled.

"What's wrong?" said Cas, knowing it was the dumbest of dumb questions. Everything was wrong, with all of them.

"I'm not your super weapon anymore. I'm a liability. I'm not much of a strategist and my head feels fogged and I ... " he stopped, then he said, "But if you need me there, I'll be there."

"There where?"

"The meeting."

"You'd prefer not to be there?" said Cas.

"Yes, but what I want doesn't matter. If you and Sam need me around ... "

"We don't." said Cas, "You're not strong enough to be put through anything you don't want to do."

"But I should support you and Sam."

"You can do that in a lot of different ways." said Cas. He understood Jack's reluctance to be there, discussing all the ways in which he could no longer help. He had felt that same uselessness. He had seen the battle go on when he was too weak and powerless to take part. He had seen Dean look at him as if he were a helpless non-combatant they had to protect and he too had sometimes needed to be away from all of that. "You could go to the farm." he said.

"I think Sam needs me here." said Jack, "Mary says he needs someone to worry about."

"I must admit, I'd rather keep you close."

"Are you okay about Jules being there?"

"Jules is a hunter and a good one. My personal preference is to protect her, but Sam is right. We should make good use of the assets we have."

"Are you going to call her that?" said Jack.

"I thought I would call her Jules." He looked into Jack's eyes, seeing far more understanding than he had expected. "I won't claim having her around is comfortable, but Dean's life and the fate of the world are both far more important than my comfort. So is her pride."

"Yesterday, you were living together." said Jack.

"Yesterday, things were very different."

"She wasn't."

"I was." said Cas, "And it was foolish of me to think that could last."

"It's not over between you, is it?" said Jack.

Cas looked at the painting of Sarah's farm. He remembered taking Jules to visit the beehives, how she had talked about the bees, understanding their value because her world had lost them.

Being with her had always felt so easy and natural. Other humans stared at him in incomprehension, Jules in fascination. When he said something that seemed stupid to his own ears, she smiled and understood. His small attempts to be funny fell flat with others, but made her laugh.

She made him feel human.

He had never wanted to be human and his brief, involuntary experiment in humanity had not been pleasant, but with his faltering powers, the chance to fit in with others without celestial connections seemed more attractive. Whatever his power level or future prospects, the thought of not being lonely had strong appeal.

In a way, he felt he had an excuse for falling in love. Less excuse for involving her in his life. Jack would never understand why it was all so wrong, just as Castiel himself would never understand why it had felt so right.

Jack was still waiting for his answer. Waiting was a talent of his.

"What we had, we still have." he said.

"I should be there." said Jack.

"To make sure I don't say anything stupid?" said Cas.

Jack smiled. "To make sure you're not on your own. Nothing you say is stupid."

"Sam will be there. Mary and Bobby will be there." said Cas, anxious not to make Jack be present if he didn't want to be. Then he thought of Rowena and thought Jack definitely wasn't ready to spend too much time around her. "I'll be fine, Jack."

"Well, I'll be in my room. If you need me, text me."

"Thankyou, Jack." said Cas.

"Jules loves you, you know." said Jack.

"I know." said Cas.

"We all do."

Cas thought for a moment. He knew Jack was telling the truth. He rarely lied and never well. Cas loved them too, his mostly human family. He wanted to explain, but if Jack knew it was for him that Cas had allowed Dean to say yes, he would feel guilt that he had no reason to bear.

"Until we save Dean, things will be strange and wrong and out of balance and if I ever want to be with Jules, I must keep my distance from her now."

"Because she won't understand?" said Jack, "Or because she might?"

"I'm not even sure I understand." said Cas.

"Maybe we should work it out as a family. That's what Dean would want."


	11. Chapter 11

  
Jules found Sam in the kitchen, making coffee. "Hey, Sam." she said.

"Hey, Jules. How's Sarah?"

"About one more missed call from coming here to check on you face to face. This avoiding thing is not reassuring her at all."

"Tell her I'll call her tomorrow. Things are just ... " He did an odd little shrug with his hands.

"Yeah, we figured that." she said.

"This isn't how I wanted things to be, after you left the bunker." he said, "And I know you and Cas ... I mean, I wanna find a way to fix that, but Cas is tailspinning and ... "

"Dean is the centre of his universe. Dean is like a frickin' Messiah to him. Of course he's gonna freak out with Dean gone." she said, "But you leave that to me. Cas is my problem and I'm used to his runaway bride thing. He burns the toast and he's acting like he has to leave."

"It's really that bad?" said Sam.

"It's exhausting. Never sleeps, so, every morning, I know there are thoughts in his head he's been going over all night and none of them ever seem to be good."

"I'm sorry."

"I told you, it's all good. I'm used to it. Dealing with the toast meltdown and the angel angst and the midnight rendition of his favourite chorus, 'How can I presume to pursue happiness?' is good training for the big stuff like this. For now, it's hunter to hunter and that keeps us in contact and lets him know I'm not walking away."

"And later?"

She smiled at his sincere interest. In the midst of all his own troubles, he had time to worry over her little domestic issues. "I think it was a mistake, trying so hard not to make demands. I should have made a few. I thought I was keeping the pressure off and you know what he's like under pressure."

"Yeah, not great."

"But I let him develop the idea that I didn't need him. Now, I guess I need to show him that I do. You have enough to deal with, taking care of Jack and finding Dean. Leave me to handle my angel."

"If I can ever help ... "

"Thanks. Now, on a scale of Bobby to Dean, how much are you faking fine right now?"

"Dean plus, but that's an unfair question." said Sam.

"It is." she conceded, "But I want you to know, I'll buy your act if you'll buy mine. However bad things are, we'll believe in each other's prime bull. I know you can fake your way through this indefinitely and I promise you, I can too."

He smiled. "You are one in a million."

"We'll do what it takes. We'll find Dean, vanquish Michael, get Cas to straighten up and fly right again and make sure Jack is okay. No self-pity, no falling apart. And when the dust clears and we have time, we can both drop the act."

"I like the way you think." he said, "You remind me of Dean." He started to arrange the coffee on a tray. "Now, Mom and Bobby should be in the library. Cas should turn up soon. Rowena will be here within the hour ... " He fell silent as his phone rang. "Speak of the Devil." he said, "Well, the King of Hell's mother, which is close enough. Rowena, what's happened? What do you mean, you're not coming? Fine, call me back." He put the phone down. "Every bit as annoying as Crowley." he said.

"Some day, you have to tell me about Crowley. I wish I'd met him." said Jules.

"Cas has told you some stories, I'll bet."

"Almost nothing. Which makes me think there are some interesting stories not to tell."

"He and Crowley had a complicated relationship. Actually, we all did, especially Dean. Crowley was better than he pretended to be. He could also be a lot worse."

"Should I go find Cas?" she said.

"No, he'll come. He just needs to prepare."

"For being trapped in a room with me?"

"Yeah. Sorry."

"That he intends to join us has to be a good sign, right?" she said.

He nodded, picking up the tray. "I hope so. Let's find the others."

As they sat at the table with Bobby and Mary, Sam's phone rang again. "Okay, Rowena, you're on speaker." he said, "Explain to everyone why you're suddenly not coming."

"Hello, everyone. Hello, Castiel." she said.

"Castiel is running a little late." said Sam with a glance to Jules, who was trying to remind herself that jealousy was not her thing.

"Oh, shame." said Rowena, "Well, I had every intention of being there, but then I heard someone had news of an old friend."

"Anyone we know?" said Sam.

"I highly doubt it. A very old witch with far too much sense to tangle with hunters. The chance to consult him seemed opportune."

"You ditched us for a date?" said Bobby.

"You misjudge me, Mr Singer." she said, "You see, I heard, from a friend of my wise old friend, that he has been talking about something he discovered some centuries ago. He apparently has a way to stop an archangel in his tracks. It may be nothing. Could be empty bragging. He's always been more charming than reliable, but worth looking into, under the present circumstances, wouldn't you say?"

"Okay, Rowena, but be careful. Don't do anything I wouldn't do."

"Are we talking in general, or for your brother? Because I think we both know those are very different parameters."

"Don't tell him more than you have to."

"Samuel, this is not my first time. My lips are sealed. Now, I think I need to liaise with the best angel expert you have, so please make sure I have a working number for Castiel. I don't know if he has my number."

"I do." said Jules quietly.

"Rowena, go easy on Cas. He has a lot on his mind." said Sam.

"What exactly do you imagine my intentions to be?" she said.

"I'd rather not speculate." he said.

"Well, to set your mind at rest, we'll keep it purely business, I promise. I have to go now, everyone. Do let me know if a strategy comes to mind."

"Do you trust this witch friend?"

"No two witches trust each other, but I know him."

"Be careful."

"Sweet of you to care." she said, ending the call before he could reply.

"So the unreliable witch has an unreliable friend." said Mary.

"Rowena's come through for us before." said Sam.

"She seems very interested in Cas." said Jules.

"Yeah, he never fell at her feet. I think she sees that as a challenge." said Sam.


	12. Chapter 12

Cas was afraid to go into the library. He knew Jules was in there and he didn't want to look into her eyes and see how unhappy he was making her. He did want to work with her, to be around her, even if their relationship had to be put aside for now.

From outside the room, he could hear her and Mary Winchester talking. "We will find him." said Jules and Mary softly replied, "We have to."

He was glad that they were friends, that Mary had Jules to support her and that Jules had friends around her. He knew he owed it to all of them to put his own feelings aside and get in there. He hoped Bobby would not say anything about the situation that would make him angry, because he already wanted to smite something.

He straightened his coat and walked briskly into the room.

Sam was first to greet him. "Hey, Cas. Where's Jack?"

"Jack needs some time alone." he said.

"Is he okay?" said Mary, clearly ready to go and talk to him if he were not.

"He said to text him if we need him." said Cas, "He's just finding the loss of his powers a shock."

"Well," said Bobby, "Since I feel about as useful as a tiara on a dump truck, maybe I can spend some time teaching the kid about fighting as a human. Give him back a little confidence."

"That would be a good idea." said Mary, "Thanks, Bobby."

"Yes, thanks, Bobby." said Cas, "I know from personal experience that the support of good friends can help a lot when grace is lost."

"I think we all need to help Jack." said Sam, "Remember that he won't say a lot about his own troubles because he thinks we are all fully occupied with Dean's. Don't wait for him to ask for support. We're all his family."

"I know he feels that very strongly." said Cas. He looked at Jules, who looked back at him without giving much away. She looked tired. "Hello, Jules." he said.

"Hello, Cas." she said, "Don't worry. I'm here as a hunter."

"I know. We need the best hunters and you are one of the best." he said.

"Did you two break up?" said Bobby.

"I hope not." said Jules.

"We are as we always were." said Cas, knowing it was meaningless. He had no intention of discussing their relationship in public. It was a delicate matter and required gentle handling and privacy.

Jules straightened his tie. "Back to blue?"

"Just for now." he said.

She looked long into his eyes and he wished he could tell her how much he loved her and how little he wanted this necessary separation.

She brushed something from the shoulder of his coat and said quietly, "Jeremiah 29:11."

The words of the verse soothed him, her use of their intimate little code even more. At least she had not given up on him yet. He nodded, unable to speak in front of the others, but needing her to know he understood.

"So," said Bobby, "Let's get down to business. We have a loose nuke and no sign yet of where he's gonna strike. The lack of news is worrying. Michael's clever, but patience is not his thing. He means to burn this world and it's weird we haven't noticed any smoke yet."

"What are your thoughts on that?" said Jules, as they all took their seats.

Bobby glanced at Cas and then said, "He may be trying to find allies. He may succeed. If he met with a couple of disgruntled angels ... "

"Angels, gruntled or otherwise are in short supply." said Mary.

"Would he work with demons?" asked Cas.

"I doubt it." said Jules, "He hates them."

"You probably know better than I do whether an angel would do that." said Bobby, "But my instinct is no."

"He's not an angel. He's an archangel, like Lucifer, who definitely worked with, indeed, created demons." said Cas, "Our Michael would not have done that, but our Michael never would have rebelled against God. Your Michael is a lot closer to Lucifer."

"Of course, human followers are a possibility." said Bobby, "In our world, there were plenty of people ready to do terrible things in the service of Heaven."

"Plenty of them here, too." said Sam.

"Then there is the other possibility." said Bobby, "Maybe he hasn't started implementing the big plan because he's still fighting for control of his vessel. I haven't known Dean long, but I can't imagine he'll go down without a fight. If there were maybe some way we could encourage him ... "

"We don't know where he is." said Cas.

"I don't suppose there's any chance you could reopen the link?" said Sam.

Cas turned to glare at him. "If there were, do you think I'd be wasting my time talking to you?" He stopped, shocked at his own anger, mortified that he had spoken like that to Sam, whose only crime had been to remind him of his loss. "I'm sorry." he said, "I didn't mean that."

"It's okay, Cas." said Sam, "I shouldn't have asked. I know if you had a way, you'd have said. Just clutching at straws. I'm sorry."

"I just meant that if I thought I could reach Dean, that's what I'd be doing." said Cas.

"Assuming we could find out or maybe predict where he might be," said Jules, "Is there any way to show him we're around and ready to help that wouldn't give Michael the same information?"

"Unlikely." said Cas, "When an angel or archangel inhabits a vessel, there are few secrets. What Dean knows, Michael knows." Just the thought of that was terrifying. All the people it put in danger, Jules, Sarah, Jack, everyone.

"But angels and archangels have blind spots." said Jules, "I guarantee he has explored every code currently known to Dean, but there are all kinds of curve balls in the human mind. What if we showed Dean something of absolutely no significance, that carried no meaning?"

"What do you mean?" said Sam.

"The Keys of Rhydian." said Jules, "They were fake and Dean knows it. I doubt they even get a footnote in any of the thoughts on artifacts in the bunker or any other area of interest to Michael. If we can get them or anything connected with them into Dean's awareness, Michael may not notice, but Dean would."

"Jules, you are a genius!" said Bobby.

"Makes a change from an idjit." she said. She looked at Cas across the table. "Does it make sense to you?" she said.

"It does." he said, feeling hope flicker back into life. He needed to believe they could reach Dean. With Jules on their side, it felt like they had a chance.


	13. Chapter 13

Cas wished he could be more like Sam. He looked pale and weary, seriously in need of rest, but something indestructible glittered in his eyes and his voice was steady and calm. He kept them focused, marshalled their often tangential thoughts and and soothed the inevitable irritations and irrational annoyances of a group divided by their shared love of Dean and their uncertainty as to how to proceed. Dean would have been proud.

Obviously, Cas wasn't fooled. He didn't miss the microsecond movements when Sam's eyes showed the panic he felt or the way his hand shook as he made a note of something they needed to do. Sam was as lost as the rest of them without Dean, but he was pushing all that aside to be the leader they needed him to be.

Suddenly, Sam was addressing him. "Rowena wants to liaise with you." he said, "She may have something for us soon."

"I thought she was coming here." said Cas.

"Apparently, she has a friend who may have a spell that can stop Michael." said Mary.

"A spell?" said Cas, "Witches have about as much effect on archangels as a butterfly has on a bull."

"Maybe she just wants an excuse to talk to you." said Jules.

"It's possible." said Cas.

"You know she has a thing for you, right?"

He smiled. "I'm sure she doesn't care whether I live or die. Rowena enjoys unsettling me."

"And do you enjoy being unsettled?" said Jules.

"I prefer it when you do it." he said.

She smiled. "Good answer."

"Can we save the flirting for later?" said Bobby, but he sounded amused, rather than critical.

"You're only jealous." said Jules.

"Damn right I'm jealous. That angel never so much as glances at me."

Jules and Bobby laughed. Cas wasn't sure he understood the joke, but he knew how much they all needed that friendly laughter. He smiled at them both.

Then a thought occurred to him. If Michael wanted leverage, Ben and Lisa could be in danger and they knew nothing and had no reason to expect trouble. He looked at Sam and said quietly, "Someone should check on Lisa."

"In hand." said Sam, "I got Garth to send someone. Jules, do you and Sarah need extra protection?"

"No. We're fine." said Jules.

"Michael will know about Sarah." said Sam.

"I don't consider either of us likely targets." said Jules. She glanced at Cas. "Besides, I'm hoping we'll soon be under angelic protection again."

"I'll make some more coffee." said Cas.

"Need help?" said Jules.

He didn't want to talk to her alone, but he knew he owed her a conversation, however difficult it might be. "Thanks." he said.

In the kitchen, she said to him, "I didn't want to make you uncomfortable."

"I probably deserve to be uncomfortable." he said, "I know I have mishandled this badly."

"Sarah and I are fine. We'll take care of each other until you can come home." He loved the fact that she still called it that.

"You're being very understanding."

"I'm trying."

"You look tired." he said, knowing she could take it the wrong way, but not knowing how a human would make an acceptible approach on the subject.

She wasn't offended. She said, "I only really sleep well in your arms. I missed you last night. I'm missing you now."

"I'm here." he said.

She looked at him for a long time. He wished he understood what she was trying to convey, or that he knew what question to ask or what apology to offer.

She took his hand. "I miss Dean too. We're just friends ... acquaintances, really, but I miss him. Without him, this place feels wrong. This world feels different. I know it's a thousand times worse for you. Now, more than ever, I need to hold the people I love. I think you do too, but it's like you're afraid of us."

"I'm not afraid." he said, feeling the grip of her hand and wishing she would never let go.

"Afraid of endangering us, then." she said.

"Somewhat afraid of that." he admitted.

"And you won't leave the bunker until Dean is found and I understand that. But I could stay here a night. Sarah told me to let her know if I'm doing that. I can still be there to feed the chickens."

"I don't want that." he said, his hand gripping hers so hard she must know he was lying. It wasn't right. It wasn't the best thing for her, but he wanted not to face another night alone.

"Okay." she said. She let go of his hand and turned her attention to the coffee.

"For safety, yours and Sarah's." he said.

She turned to look at him. "The only thing I'm afraid of is something happening to you." she said, "I'm afraid of Michael happening to you, of course, but I'm terrified of you happening to you, my righteous angel, who would destroy himself without a second thought, if it seemed the sacrifice were needed."

"I'm barely an angel at all now and certainly not a righteous one."

"Do you think I don't know what this isolationist policy means? I've walked that path myself."

"You're still here." he said.

"I found you." she replied, "You don't wanna know what a wreck I can be without you."

"I can't imagine you being a wreck." he said, "But I am one now. My powers were already fading. My utility as a weapon is not guaranteed. Heaven may have cut me adrift."

"And now you feel like Dean has too."

"No." he said, "My feelings are ... complicated, but I in no way blame Dean."

"Just yourself?"

"I don't want to talk about that." he said.

"To me or to anyone? Maybe you should call Sarah."

"I don't want to think about it."

"That's what worries me. There's too much eating away at you and you have nobody. Dean is out of reach, Sam is busy and you want to protect Sarah and me, so you just swallow the pain and struggle on alone. I think you need me. I know I need you."

"Needing you doesn't mean I have a right ... "

"Needing each other is okay. We're in a relationship. Relationships are reciprocal."

"Involvement with me right now is a bad idea." he said.

She nodded. "Not my first."


	14. Chapter 14

  
In the library, Bobby was looking uneasily at the doorway.

"What is it, Bobby?" said Sam.

"I don't wanna talk out of turn, but is there a problem with the angel? He seems a little ... off."

Mary looked at Sam. "You know him better than I do."

"Cas is fine." said Sam, "He's worried about Dean, like we all are."

"I'm sure you're right." said Bobby, "I guess they still make me nervous. You don't think of them as getting too attached to humans."

"Cas isn't like other angels." said Sam.

"No, he isn't. You can sleep in the same place and not wake up a burnt-out husk. I always like that about him." said Bobby.

"He'd die for any of us." said Mary, "He has."

"There's just a distance now." said Bobby, "Like he's not on the same planet."

"He's going through a lot." said Sam, "But he can handle it."

"And he and Jules are okay?" said Bobby.

"I'm sure they are." said Sam, "You saw them just now, flirting."

"Okay. I'm worrying over nothing." said Bobby, "Hope I didn't offend anyone."

"Not at all." said Sam.

"We're all on the same side." said Mary, "I'll admit, I'm worried about everyone. It can't be easy for any of our off-world friends to know that Michael is in this world and I would understand if some of them blamed Dean."

"I don't think any do." said Bobby, "Yeah, it stinks that he made it here, but we were always gonna have to fight him somewhere and back there, he had all the advantages. We know Dean never would have said yes if he had a choice."

"We're all on the edge here." said Mary, "We're all in a situation we hoped would never arise. I'm impressed that we're all still able to think clearly." She looked at Sam and said, "I'm amazed that I can function at all, one son lost, one with the weight of two worlds on his shoulders."

"He has broad shoulders." said Bobby.

"Yes. He's so much like his father." she said.

Sam wondered if his father would ever have allowed Dean to give up his body to any invader, let alone a fallen archangel. The praise seemed unwarranted. He nodded in thanks anyway.

Jules came in with a tray of coffee, Cas following her. He seemed deep in thought.

"Everything okay, Cas?" said Sam.

"Yes, why wouldn't it be?" said Cas, entirely failing to reassure anyone.

"Holy oil didn't work on Michael, did it?" said Jules.

"Slowed him down a while." said Sam.

"How much do we have?"

"Not much." said Bobby.

"Maybe we could send someone to the Holy Land to get some more." said Cas, "I can't go right now, but I can tell someone where to go."

"Mark would go." said Bobby.

"Good." said Cas.

"What about Rowena?" said Jules, "She could presumably get there a lot faster."

"That's a good point." said Bobby.

"My contact might not be safe with her." said Cas.

"Because she's a witch?" said Bobby.

"Because he is a man of piety and purity." said Cas.

"Maybe she could get both of you over there." said Jules.

"I am not going to allow myself to be dragged around by a witch, however talented." said Cas. Sam thought he sounded insulted. It was more than that, though. In addition to a wingless angel facing the prospect of asking a mere witch for assistance to travel, he was being asked to do it by the woman he loved. Hardly an indication that she wanted him close.

"We'll send Mark." said Bobby, "Nothing against Rowena, but she seems easily distracted."

"But Jules is coming up with some great ideas." said Sam, eager to make it clear to her that he respected her as a hunter and strategist.

She smiled at him. "Thanks, Sam."

"Jules is clever." said Cas.

"Jules is objective." said Bobby, "Something we have in common. Because we are not as close to Dean, we may see the situation a little more clearly. We may be able to think a little less emotionally. Everyone in this room is a good hunter, a fine soldier, but we need clear heads."

"Are you suggesting you should lead, not Sam?" said Cas, an edge of menace in his voice.

"No, just that Jules and I may be better at coming up with ways to fight Michael because we are not grieving."

"Michael destroyed your whole world." said Mary, "I wouldn't call you unemotional about that."

"Bobby's right that there are pressures on the Winchesters that he and I don't have to deal with." said Jules.

"See?" said Bobby.

"But that doesn't mean we're objective or unemotional. There is not a person in this bunker, not one refugee from our world, who doesn't owe Dean Winchester his or her life. I'm alive because of Sam and Dean. I'm eating good food and breathing clean air because of Sam and Dean. I met my angel because of Sam and Dean. Dean Winchester is the hero of two worlds and what has he ever asked in return? Nothing."

Jules rarely became emotional, but Sam heard her emotion now.

"That's right." said Cas.

"I am different to the rest of you." she said, "I don't care if Dean is alive or dead."

"What?" said Cas.

"Because we've brought the dead back before." she said, "Dead or alive, we are bringing him home. If resurrection is part of the process, fine! Add it to the list. My personal debt to Dean will not be satisfied with anything less. Even if I didn't love an angel who loves him more than life, I would still consider my life a small price to pay for his."

Sam smiled at her. "Every time you open your mouth, I'm more certain we can defeat Michael. He has nothing on his side to match you."

"We don't know that." said Jules.

"Yes, we do. There can't be two people like you in the multiverse."

"No," said Cas, "We would have heard."


	15. Chapter 15

Parts of the meeting were disheartening for Jules. Listening to Sam and Bobby comparing their long lists of weapons that didn't work on archangels did not inspire much hope. Mary's experience of fighting angels was recent and brief, but she could also add a few things that were no use.

Cas said little and though she could see shame in his eyes, she was unsure whether it was his usual share of the collective shame of angels that so many had fallen or whether it was the more personal kind, the guilt of a being who had never been intended to experience any such emotion.

She could probably have convinced him that he should not leave her and Sarah alone at the farm and manipulate him into being there overnight. He was easy to manipulate, guileless as he was himself. She wanted him with her, not prowling the bunker alone all night, his head full of all the insane recriminations he could hurl at himself.

Even so, she could not bring herself to trick him like that. He trusted her. He believed in her. She could not use that against him, even if she believed it would help him more than her.

She rarely, if ever, spoke of her own dark times. There were nights when she woke with the smell of death in her nostrils. There were sounds she could not hear without reliving horrors she could not name. She was not one to indulge in self-pity or seek pity from others.

She was not a born warrior, like the Winchesters. She was a victim of circumstance, like Bobby. She had been moderately content designing air con systems and going out with friends on Tuesday nights when the apocalypse had struck. When those friends needed her help, she had joined them out of loyalty and in hopes of avenging her brother. She was an engineer who could not swat a fly. She had expected to die quickly.

Every fight, she had expected to die.

That wasn't how it went.

Sometimes they won. More often, especially at first, they lost. Either way, she kept on being one of the survivors. Even on the night when she knew she would die, when she chose to give her life for a man who had two daughters relying on him, it hadn't ended that way. For a moment, she had felt cheated, but only for a moment.

Born warrior or not, she had found a warrior's spirit somewhere within and the angel that had laughed and shoved the gun into her shaking hand had been dead two days later. When there had been no hope, pure fury had kept her fighting.

But there had been a lot of times when hope had failed and she remembered them well. In Sam and Cas alike, she could see the stiffness of the shoulders, all their strength being used to cover the ache in the chest.

She remembered the night she had been half-carried into Bobby's camp, one of a handful of survivors and he had taken her into a crude shelter, given her the first real meal she had eaten in days and then hugged her as she sobbed.

The next day, he had not alluded to her moment of weakness. She remembered how that pit where her heart used to be had stopped aching for a while, the hug of a stranger a powerful balm to her broken spirit.

She was not a stranger to Cas, though sometimes they each seemed strange to the other. She loved him and he loved her. She could feel his need for her to hold him. His loneliness was almost tangible and the parts of his pain that she understood and the parts that no human could understand all cried out for the same healing touch. Sarah always said he needed a hug and had always needed one, long before he had a body that could accept hugs.

Sam needed a hug too, but would not accept one from her. All she could offer Sam was respect for his pain and her silence on it in front of the others. When their eyes met, something passed between them, a covert salute from one warrior to another, recognition and support, but no accusation of need or weakness.

She understood why Sam was finding this so hard. No personal danger or suffering could compare to knowing that a sibling was beyond your power to protect. She had seen the demon tear her brother apart. She knew how it felt to be helpless as a brother suffered.

"Are you sure you and Sarah don't need any extra protection?" Sam asked her.

She glanced at Cas, quick to avert her gaze when he seemed to become aware of it. "No." she said, sounding as convincing as she could.

"I have made the farm as safe as I can for them." said Cas.

"Take some holy oil, just in case. Have you ever thrown a Molotov cocktail?"

"Oh yeah." she said.

"If you want something thrown," said Bobby, "Jules has a nice, accurate aim."

"Good." said Sam. He looked at her. She saw concern in his eyes. She was half expecting the instruction that followed. "If Michael turns up at the farm, no heroics. Your job is to get yourself and Sarah out of there alive."

"Don't worry." she said, "I will never allow Sarah to come to any harm. He shows, we go."

"Good." said Sam again, "We have no expendable soldiers in this fight."

"It's reassuring to know that Sarah has you to take care of her." said Cas.

"You know, if you need to be at the farm ... " Sam began.

"My place is here." said Cas, "Jack. Dean."

"Any time you need to be at the farm, we will manage without you." said Sam.

Jules watched their faces, aware that each left unsaid a host of things they needed to say. "We'll be fine." she said, "But you know any of you will always be welcome at the farm. Sarah worries about you two."

Cas looked at her with such sadness in his eyes that she was almost willing to manipulate him after all, to drag him home by any means necessary. There were, no doubt, many reasons why he was denying himself the love and affection he knew was waiting for him at the farm, but she could see he was in serious need of them.

"I know you can't be there tonight." she said to him, "But when you can, we'll be waiting."

He nodded, showing as little emotion as he could and she ached to hug him until he could believe that he was loved and accepted exactly as he was. "I wish ... " he began and then stopped.

"A time for every purpose under Heaven." she said.


	16. Chapter 16

With the long meeting over, Sam and Cas walked Jules back to her Jeep in the garage. Sam handed her a bottle of holy oil and she tucked it carefully into the car.

"You have angel-killing bullets?" he said.

"I made sure she does." said Cas.

"What we need are some archangel-killing ones." she said, "I don't suppose we have the blade Dean used to kill Lucifer?"

"No," said Sam, impressed with the way her mind worked, "Michael took it."

"Maybe Rowena will find something." said Cas.

Jules smiled at both of them. "I know it seems hopeless now, but it's not. If we can't defeat Michael today, we hold on until tomorrow, when we may find a way. We keep on holding on, like Dean would. Like Dean is. We all feel like we failed him, but the only thing he would see as failure is surrender. Dean has never surrendered. He never will. He keeps on swinging and so will we."

"Of course." said Sam. Her words reminded him so much of Dean that they were both encouragement and agony to him. He gently hugged her. "Stay safe. Take care of Sarah."

"You will definitely call her tomorrow, right?" she said.

"Promise." he said.

She turned to Cas and moved to hug him, but he stepped back and lowered his gaze. Staring at the floor, he said, "Goodnight, Jules."

Sam saw the hurt in her eyes before she blinked it away and faked a smile. "I know. Angels don't do goodbyes well."

"Sorry." he said.

"I'm sorry I made you uncomfortable." she said.

His right hand moved in her direction, seemingly of its own accord. Quickly, Cas withdrew it. Over the years, Sam had come to understand so much more of the tiny indications of emotion and that one required little interpretation. Whatever he said, however he acted, he did not want Jules to leave without him.

"Cas," said Sam, "If you ... "

"No!" said Cas, in a tone like a stone door slamming shut.

"Call me tomorrow, Cas." said Jules.

"Yes." he said.

Sam heard the chill edge to his voice and knew that everything in his manner was a lie as cruel to him as it was to her.

"I love you." she said. She turned to Sam, "Take care of yourself, Sam."

Cas said no more. His eyes seemed to be trying to bore through the floor. Jules gave him one last, sorrowful look and got into the Jeep.

As she drove away, Sam looked at Cas. "That was pretty cold." he said.

"Yes." said Cas.

"If I had a woman like that willing to hold me tonight, I wouldn't have sent her away like that."

"So why don't you have a woman like that?" said Cas, "You send everyone away."

"Dean wouldn't have wanted this. Remember how much he wanted you to be with Jules." said Sam.

"It's not your concern. It wasn't his. If he wanted to influence my relationship, he should have stuck around." said Cas. Sam knew the feeling well, that uncontrollable anger and resentment that made no rational sense and only made the guilt worse. Cas didn't express his feelings much, but that terse, controlled sentence told Sam that there was a tempest of confused emotion behind the apparent calm.

"Giving up on Jules and Sarah won't bring Dean back. It won't free him from Michael. You can fight for Dean with me without turning your back on the farm. You need your life, your home, your family."

Cas looked into his eyes. "You don't even sleep. You barely eat. You're risking physical oblivion and you criticise me for wanting to stay focused?"

"This isn't focus. This is self-denial. This is self-punishment, maybe self-destruction. You could at least have hugged her."

"You think this is easy?" said Cas and for a moment, his voice was raw with pain. "If I had touched her ... Sam, I can feel exactly how far away she is now and every mile, it hurts more. If I had touched her, I don't think I could have let go."

"Then get in the damn Pimpmobile and follow her home." said Sam.

"It wouldn't be fair, to anyone. Jack needs me. Dean needs me. Jules needs to be out of this ... " He waved an arm around, eloquently evoking his confusion and grief.

"What do you need?" said Sam.

"Nothing." said Cas.

"I don't believe that."

"Angels don't have human needs."

"Bullcrap. You need her. You need Sarah. You need Dean back just as much as I do. You need something in this whole stupid mess to have some glimmer of hope. You need not to be alone in this insanity." He realised he was speaking of his own needs too. He stopped. Everyone needed him to be fine, so he would be fine, but he was damned if he would let Cas pretend the same and sacrifice everything for them again.

"You don't understand me as well as you think!" said Cas and he sounded so painfully like Sam at sixteen that Sam had to think for a moment, to avoid giving the answers from his father that had so alienated and enraged him at the time.

"I want to help." he said.

Cas looked at him doubtfully. He had clearly expected, perhaps wanted, an argument.

"I just want to help." Sam repeated.

"Then let me handle this my way." said Cas, making a plea teenage Sam had made so often. There was only one answer he could give, with the guidance of hindsight and a lot of acquired maturity.

"Okay." he said, "I know you need to do this your way. I just don't want you to think you have to do it alone. Maybe we all have to learn that without Dean and alone are different things."

Cas looked into his eyes and said quietly, "I'm hearing hints of Purgatory in your voice. You didn't know where to start looking then, either."

That seemed the hardest part, hearing the compassion and understanding from Cas that Cas would not accept from him. Even as he tried to shut himself away in some fortress of grief and self-blame, Cas could not help but try to ease the weight on Sam.

"I would give anything for one hint of where they are." said Sam.

"We'll find it. Michael is many things, but he has never been subtle."

"Do you wanna play chess?" said Sam, certain that Cas should not spend the night wandering the bunker as was his habit. He should not be alone with his thoughts. Perhaps neither of them should.

"No." said Cas, "You should sleep."

"I can't sleep." said Sam, "My brother is being ridden around by the most evil creature in existence."

"Mine too." said Cas, "I can put you to sleep. You are no use to anyone, exhausted."

"And how will you spend the night?"

"Looking for signs of Michael or Dean, searching the archives again for anything that can hurt an archangel."

"We can do that together." said Sam.

"I don't need sleep. You do."

"You need someone to talk to."

"I have nothing to say."

"Then someone just to stop your head filling with stupid accusations."

"Can you honestly say your own head doesn't accuse me constantly? You want me at the farm because part of you hates me for what I did."

"What you did? You did nothing."

"Exactly." said Cas.

Mary came into the garage. "Supper's ready."

"I'm not really hungry, Mom." said Sam.

"I didn't ask if you were hungry. Come on. You too, Cas."

"I don't eat."

"You do tonight. Bobby's made a stew."


	17. Chapter 17

As Jules opened the door of the farmhouse, she could smell supper. It had been years since she had known a real home and in a very short time, that was what Sarah's house had become to her. Sarah came out of the kitchen. "Just in time for supper." she said, as if she had not been keeping supper warm for some time. "He's not with you?"

"No." said Jules, trying through habit, rather than need, not to show how much that bothered her. She wasn't used to having someone around who cared. She gave Sarah the bottle Sam had given her. "Holy oil. Sam suggested we Molotov Michael if he shows his face here."

"It's not his face he'll be showing." said Sarah.

"No. I don't like the idea either."

"It won't come to that, I'm sure. They've dealt with Lucifer. I'm sure they can put Michael in his place."

"His place being in the cage in Hell, with the other Michael." said Jules, "Maybe we could fill it with Michaels."

Sarah grinned. "It's no less than they deserve." She became serious as she guided Jules into the kitchen. "How are the boys?"

"Sam's amazing. I don't know how he does it. He's a mess, but he's still leading everyone else. He's promised he'll call you tomorrow. I think he means it.

"I think he means it too, but he'll lie. He'll say whatever it takes to stop me worrying about him."

"Can anything do that?" said Jules. They sat down at the table.

"Of course not." said Sarah, "I know when people are hiding their pain. I know all the tricks. I've used them myself. Which also means I know that there's a lot more to your story than you've told me, but ... "

"But we need to help the boys first." said Jules.

"A Sam move." said Sarah.

"Maybe that's why Sam and I understand each other. Seriously, my dark stuff is in the past. I left it behind in that other world. It has no relevance now."

"As you said, the boys first." said Sarah, "But this is a good place to talk things through."

"I know it is." said Jules. Knowing that she could, if the need arose, tell Sarah anything was very comforting.

Sarah said nothing as she got up to serve the food, a simple but nourishing meatloaf. No grace was said at Sarah's table, but the way in which she laid the food in front of her adopted daughter felt like a benediction. She saw the smile on Sarah's face as she lifted the first forkful to her lips. It tasted of security and love and Jules needed as much of both as she could get,

Sarah took her own plate of food and sat back in her usual place. After a few mouthfuls, she said, "How bad is Castiel?"

"Bad." said Jules, grateful for the honesty of the question, "When I left, he couldn't even look at me. That could be a good sign. Maybe ditching me was harder than he expected. I swear he needs me. He seems so alone."

"Alone as if choosing to isolate himself?" said Sarah.

Jules nodded. "Yes, but I don't think he sees it as a choice. He's in some other place. Sam can't talk to him either. He loves Jack, he still loves me, but I think Dean was the one who gave him hope and anchored him to the world. He doesn't want to be here, not just here at the farm or the bunker, in this universe."

Sarah looked thoughtful. "I was afraid he'd react like that. If we can give him hope of getting Dean back, he will fight to his last breath, but without hope of that, he could so easily give up."

"Which makes me feel like I failed him completely. Our relationship means nothing to him now." said Jules. She instantly stopped herself. "Sorry. That's not helpful, is it?"

"Well, it's good that you're being honest about your own feelings, but it isn't true. He hasn't stopped caring about you. The opposite, really. He's afraid to rely on you, after losing the last person he relied on."

Jules watched Sarah for a while. She was strong for everyone, the perfect confidante for them all. "How are you?" said Jules.

Sarah seemed about to say she was fine, but she always said how important honesty had to be. "It's like losing Carl all over again. Only now, I have three sons and I have lost them all." Tears filled her eyes. "I hope Jack will still talk to me."

"Whatever happens, you have me." said Jules, feeling she was a poor substitute for any of the boys.

Sarah patted her hand. "Thank Heaven I have you, my dear girl. You're the reason I'm not like Castiel, searching for a way not to exist."

"You think he's doing that?"

"Don't you?"

"Yes, but I was hoping I was wrong." said Jules.

A slight smile came to Sarah's lips, a little banner of hope in the wasteland. "For now, he's lost and broken and just wants to stop trying, but it can be turned around. You know how he is over even the smallest things. Remember the toast? He condemns himself so cruelly."

"I wish he could believe I love him and will always love him."

"So do I. Life would be so much simpler for us all. I hate to say it, but sometimes I think Dean is right."

"That I should seduce him?" said Jules, "The thought has crossed my mind. But it wouldn't help."

"No, it would just complicate everything, I know. Even if you could get him that far, which I doubt, taking pleasure in anything while Dean is a prisoner would just add more intolerable guilt. Angels were never designed for guilt. He doesn't have the resources to handle it."

"But I do need to make him feel loved. I offered to stay at the bunker, but he sent me away. I know it's stupid and selfish, but I need him. For the first time since the damn apocalypse started, I was sleeping well. There's nothing like the feeling of being in his arms. All the pain and fear goes away. Well, not all the pain, but I can handle what's left."

"Have you told him that?"

"I can't tell him anything. He's tuned to a different channel. Nothing I do or say exists for him." said Jules.

"Keep saying it anyway. You never know when something may get through. I tried praying to him, but I don't know if he heard. I don't suppose you ... "

"I don't pray." said Jules, "I can't. I spent years learning not to open my mind to angels."

"You never pray to him?"

"I never pray to anyone. I know it seem screwed up, in a relationship, still to think of him as an angel, but I can't make myself pray. It's as ingrained in me as laying salt beyond the sweep of the door. It's been a matter of survival for too long."

"I understand." said Sarah.

"He does too. We talked about it. He said he understands. But he says he understands everything."

"Yes, he does." said Sarah.

"This relationship is pretty hopeless, isn't it?"

"At least he doesn't snore." said Sarah.


	18. Chapter 18

Supper in the bunker's kitchen was awkward. Sam would have preferred to be alone. The effort of maintaining the act was exhausting and he wasn't sure that anyone was fooled. His mother watched him and he could find no easy way to reassure her. He hated knowing that the helplessness she felt now was adding to the old guilt. She had never been there for him in the past and now that she was, it turned out that she couldn't help anyway. His long experience of failing to help Dean made him all too familiar with what she was feeling.

Jack and Cas were present in physical terms only. Both obediently ate a little food, but neither had much to say. Jack was trying to seem normal, but deception was not one of his talents. The way he would look at Cas, the natural person to which he could turn at times like this and then look away, because he was worried that Cas could not handle his distress was hard to watch.

Jack was a child, a toddler in real terms and he was trying to be strong for them. It was a lonely role in any family, to be the child who felt any weakness was too great a burden for the others to handle.

Bobby was trying hard to be the Bobby they needed, but he wasn't and his presence at the table just underlined for Sam how much he missed the other Bobby. He liked this Bobby well enough, but the one who, in his heart, would always be known as Real Bobby, would have known how to bring everyone together. So would Sarah Kranz, though she would also see too clearly how bad things were for Sam as well as the others.

Cas wasn't even pretending to engage with the others. He spoke when spoken to, but said nothing much. He initiated no conversation, even with Jack. From time to time, he would look at one of them with a trace of concern, but most of the time, his eyes seemed to be looking out over a wasteland none of them could see.

Sam knew what Dean would have done. He would have made jokes. He would have teased the silent ones into saying something, even if it were just, "Shut up, Dean!" He would have said something to Mary to stop her from feeling worthless. He would have talked to Bobby about fighting Michael, making it seem like they had a chance.

Sam was more acutely aware than usual that he was not the Winchester they needed either. He remembered how easily Jules had acknowledged and respected his act and her admission about her own.

There was a part of him, a selfish part, that wanted to drop the act and confess that he was barely holding it together. His mother could then try to take care of him, perhaps easing her pain and both Jack and Cas might find it easier to admit they were not coping well either.

They knew anyway. They had to know, just as he had always seen through Dean's pretences. That didn't mean a thing. Despite everything, Dean's invulnerable act had always given Sam a weird kind of comfort. The times of utter honesty tended to be the ones where Dean had lost the will to fight on or the strength to hide the struggle. A lie, however transparent, was oddly reassuring in their dysfunctional little band.

Sam ate purely to please his mother and avoid offending Bobby with his ingratitude. Bobby was a fair cook, from the Dean Winchester school of cuisine. His food was not on the brink of winning any awards for presentation, but it filled all the nooks and crannies and it tasted great. Generally, it tasted great. Losing his brother always shut down Sam's ability to taste or enjoy anything. "This is good, Bobby." he said, sure that it was objectively true.

"Glad you like it." said Bobby, "Feeding people is a lot easier in a world that still has grocery stores."

The uncomfortable silence returned. Sam looked at Cas and then at the barely touched plate in front of him, trying to signal to him that he should eat. Cas seemed not to notice. He was off in his solitary despondency again.

Mary was looking at Jack's plate. He had eaten some, but mostly, he was just pushing it around the plate. "Try to eat something, Jack." she said.

"I'm not really hungry." he said. It was a kind of lie. He was starving, but not for food. He was the one who had lost most. He was also the one least equipped to deal with the loss.

"Eat anyway." said Sam, "You'll feel better."

Jack gave a small nod and began to eat again. He didn't seem to believe it would fix anything and, in truth, it probably wouldn't, but by doing it, he could relieve some of their worry and he would do anything that might help to do that.

Cas looked from Jack to Sam and offered a slight nod of his own to Sam. The fact that he reacted at all was hopeful. Somewhere in there, he was still looking out for his son. If Cas felt useful or needed, he would stick around.

"Maybe Jules and Sarah should come here." said Mary.

"No." said Cas, immediately. "The farm is safer." he added.

"Then maybe we should all be at the farm." she said.

"The farm is safer because we are not there." said Cas.

She made no reply and Cas slipped back into silence. Jack looked at him and Cas evaded eye contact with any of them.

"I didn't mean anything." said Mary, aware that she had inadvertently hurt him, but not sure how.

"Things are complicated." said Sam, trying not to offend anyone.

"Angels are complicated." said Bobby.

"Compared to humans?" said Cas. His eyes glittered dangerously as he looked at Bobby for the first time in ages.

"I just mean that talking to angels can be hard." said Bobby.

"Then don't." said Cas and he got up to leave.

"Cas, wait." said Sam.

"For what?" said Cas.

"Cas, Bobby didn't mean to upset you." said Mary.

"He didn't." said Cas, "Goodnight, everyone." He left.

"He's going to leave soon, isn't he?" said Jack.

"No." said Sam, hoping he could prevent that.

"I'm sorry." said Bobby, "Everything I say to him seems to be wrong."

"It's not your fault." said Sam, "We're all walking on eggshells over lava where Cas is concerned."

"Not just Cas." said his mother, so quietly that he suspected only he heard.

He looked into her eyes and said, "Things will be better soon, for all of us."

"Yes." she said.

Winchester lies, soothing and scary, like the hug of a straitjacket.


	19. Chapter 19

Cas had been walking through the trees above the bunker for a while when he saw Bobby approaching. He watched warily as the offworlder moved closer. They had a difficult relationship at the best of times.

"Are you feeling smitey?" said Bobby.

"I can probably control my anger for the present." said Cas.

"Good. I feel like we need to talk."

"Strange. I feel we already talked too much." said Cas.

Bobby offered a silver flask. "I never considered diplomacy as a career. I know I lack tact. If I've offended you, it wasn't intentional. Hell, you'll know when it's intentional."

"We are from different worlds." said Cas.

"Literally." said Bobby.

"I struggle to communicate with the humans who don't hate my kind."

"Yeah and I'll admit, your being what you are is a problem for me." He offered the flask again. "You like whisky."

Cas took the flask and drank from it. He didn't want the whisky. A bucketful would not have blurred the edges of his suffering. He did want to avoid undue conflict. He had done enough harm to Sam and his army. "Thanks." he said, giving the flask back.

Bobby took a swig himself. "You sure you're not in the mood for smiting?" he said.

"You're safe." said Cas.

"Okay. Why are you cutting Jules loose? It's kind of a dick move."

"The dick move was letting her think I could love her." said Cas.

"You don't love her?"

"I do. I just can't."

"Well, that makes no sense." said Bobby.

"I don't have to make sense to you."

Bobby sat under a tree and gestured to a similar seat a few feet away. "Sit down, Halo."

Reluctantly, Cas sat.

"Jules deserves better." said Bobby.

"On that, we agree." said Cas.

Bobby frowned at him. "You're hard work."

"On that too." said Cas, "Are you starting to understand why it's better that I get out of her way?"

"What I don't get is why you started a relationship with her that you clearly never wanted."

"That's not what happened."

"So, what, you really, truly loved her and then suddenly she did something and you stopped?"

"Jules did nothing wrong." said Cas, rethinking how smitey he might feel.

"Yeah, I would have put money on that."

"I don't owe you an explanation." said Cas.

Bobby agreed. "I know you don't. I just happen to care about the woman you're ignoring. And I may be a dumbass to think it, but I think you probably do too. I hope you do, because I helped to put you two together in the first place. She's been through a lot. I don't wanna see her hurt by you."

"Neither do I." said Cas, "I'm trying not to hurt her and yes, I know the best way to avoid that would have been to stay out of her life, but I didn't. I got ideas I never should have had and I tried to pretend I could have human feelings and a human relationship. I'm not claiming I didn't screw up. I always do. Recognising that, the only fair thing to do is stay as far from her as I can."

"You've told her it's over?" said Bobby.

"That's none of your business."

"Or are you not quite ready to go that far? Because if you really meant what you're saying, you'd finish it."

"Maybe I'm trying to let her down gently."

"As long as she thinks you love her, she will never give up on you. If you don't know that, you don't know our Juliette at all."

Cas wanted to hurl himself off the hill and break every bone in his body on the road beneath, but angels didn't break that easily and he knew it would just be an embarrassing faceplant with no consequences other than humiliation.

"I'm not claiming I know her much better." said Bobby, "She joined my camp some months back, one of a small band of refugees, hurt and hungry. Didn't talk much. Ask me where she grew up, who her folks were, I don't know. I know she's one Hell of a hunter. I know you can count on her to the last breath. I know she has every reason to hate your kind."

"As you do?"

"Yeah, well, I have my reasons too. You know one of the fun games they used to play with prisoners? They made 'em play Russian Roulette. Sometimes, they'd play it straight. Sometimes, there'd be more than one bullet. Anything to make it more fun. Angels get bored easily, I guess."

"I am not like them."

"No, you're not. That's why I'm talking to you, not shooting you with an angel-killing round to the head. Castiel, she was their prisoner, for a time. She and this fella Joe Dane were sharing a cell. She didn't really know him, but she knew he had two kids who were relying on him to come home. I heard this story from him. She never talked about any of it. She doesn't talk about much."

"Then maybe you shouldn't either." said Cas, although he needed to know what had happened.

"One of the sky monkeys put the gun in her hand. Said she could go first, have the best odds, even though the odds are the same for every shot. She didn't have much time to think. She didn't need much time."

Cas felt rising fury. The thought of any angel laying violent hands on her was bad enough, but the thought of such cruelty, such torture, for the fun of it was unbearable. "Tell me she killed them." he said, though he knew they would hardly have used angel-killing bullets.

"Jules put that gun to her head and she clicked her way through every chamber. They hadn't used any bullets that time, but she didn't know until she didn't die. I've seen a lot of courage in my time, but she was ready to die ... to kill herself, so two little girls she had never met didn't have to lose their daddy."

Cas stood. "And you still don't get why I want to save her any more pain?" His voice sounded strained and unsteady. He tried to correct it when he said, "Don't you think she's suffered enough?"

"I think we all have." said Bobby, also rising to his feet, "But with you, she's found peace and even happiness. She laughs. She smiles. I don't pretend to understand how any of your relationships work or what you can and can't feel. I don't get how an angel ends up with two human brothers or how a thing I always thought was soulless and cold can fall in love ... "

"We are soulless." said Cas.

"But you love her."

"Yes."

"If there's no chance this relationship can succeed, or if you feel like you can't love her as she deserves, end the thing. Kill it. Tell her honestly that it's over and tell her why."

At the thought, Cas felt as if he had been punched in the gut by an archangel.

"But you don't look like someone who has no human feelings. You look like someone who's afraid and confused and throwing away something you don't wanna lose because you're messed up over losing Dean. Does that sound about right?"

"Dean isn't lost yet." said Cas.

"If you'll fight for him, fight for her too. Rightly or wrongly, she loves you and she loves you knowing you're a damn angel. Don't break her heart because it's easier than breaking a sweat."

"Angels don't sweat." said Cas.

Bobby shook his head. "Angels don't listen."

"No, we really don't." said Cas.

"Good talk." said Bobby wearily before heading back to the bunker.


	20. Chapter 20

Sam went to Dean's room. He felt he should check on it, make sure there was no fast food fast becoming a health hazard or laundry that needed to be cleaned or ... Well, mostly, he just needed to see it as Dean left it, ready to welcome him back.

His mother was standing in the open doorway, looking into the room.

"Mom?" said Sam.

She turned. "I know. Stupid, right?"

"Not at all." he said.

"I keep thinking, is he in pain? Is he scared?"

"If he's awake, he knows we're looking for him. He knows we're coming to find him." said Sam, "Fear and pain, he's used to. As long as he knows help is coming, he can handle anything."

She went into the room. Sam saw her eyes follow the lines of guns on the wall. He followed her in, closing the door behind them. "When he was little, he used to like his door open at night. He said he liked to hear us moving around downstairs." she said, "He wasn't a big fan of being alone."

"I used to think he didn't need anyone." said Sam, "I used to envy him that. He was so ... self-contained. I felt like he was so much stronger than me."

She saw the photo Dean treasured most. She picked it up. "I remember when John took this. It was a good day."

"I wish he had that with him." said Sam, "I wish he had anything to remind him of home."

"How do we find him, Sam?" she said, "There has to be a way."

"There is and we will find it." he said, "It's getting late. You should try to sleep."

"So should you." she said.

"Yeah, I plan to. I just need to check on Jack first."

"I can do that." she said.

"No, I'll never get to sleep if I don't know he's okay. He was too quiet at supper."

"Yeah, he wasn't the only one."

"I know. They're both a lot more messed up than either will admit." said Sam, pretending to think she meant Cas. He took the photograph from her hand. "We'd better put that back where it was. A hair's breadth out of place and he'll go crazy at us for being in his room."

"I'd love that." she said.

He put the photo carefully back in its place. "Yeah, me too."

He left her in Dean's room and he headed to Jack's. Jack was lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling. "Hey, Jack." said Sam.

"Castiel is outside. Not far, I think. He goes on top of the bunker when he needs to think." said Jack.

"He has a lot to think about." said Sam, wondering whether Jack wanted him to talk to Cas.

"I know. I never know if it's good or bad to leave him to think."

"I don't think we get a choice." said Sam, "He's not interested in talking things over."

"He thinks he did this." said Jack.

Sam remembered Cas saying, "After everything I've done?"

"Yes, but I don't see how." he said, "We just need to keep him close, here or at the farm and make sure he doesn't do anything stupid."

"I think Sarah could help him."

"I'll be talking to Sarah tomorrow. I'll suggest it." said Sam, "How are you, Jack?"

"Too human, too useless, but fine." said Jack.

"You don't sound fine."

"I'm not in pain. I seem to be healthy, in human terms. I just don't like being reduced to human terms right when you could all use a friendly nephilim."

"We won all past fights without a nephilim." said Sam.

"I'm not convinced you won all your past fights." said Jack.

"The fight's not over until we win it." said Sam.

Jack sat up and smiled. "It's good to hear you say that. I don't know how you do it, but you always keep fighting, no matter what."

"I don't handle defeat well." said Sam.

"Well, you're a Winchester, not a Losechester."

"Did Dean tell you that?" said Sam.

"Dean told me a lot of things." said Jack, "But I hope he will tell me a lot more."

Sam sat on the side of the bed. "Do you wanna tell me how you feel about all this or is that a job for Sarah too?"

"I'm okay." said Jack.

"Nobody is okay."

"Okay, I'm not okay, but I'm okay with that. I'm not about to run away. I'm not curling into a ball and screaming. I hate having half of who I am stripped away and I hate knowing that if I'd done something sooner, Michael would be dead and Dean would never have had to sacrifice himself. But I'm a Winchester. We suck it up and we keep on swinging. Right?"

"You're practically Dean." said Sam.

"Thankyou. I can think of no higher compliment."

"Believe me, there isn't one. Just one thing, though, none of this is because you did anything wrong. No action or inaction of yours caused this."

"So you all keep saying, but I was the one who could have killed Michael."

"I could have killed Lucifer."

"I doubt it. Not easily, anyway. And Michael would still have found a way here."

"We can't know that. That's why we shouldn't waste energy in looking for ways to blame ourselves."

"So you're going to stop blaming yourself?" said Jack.

Sam looked at him, wondering why the kid had the unerring ability to see his soul. "Yes, I am. Absolutely, I am." he said, "Because weeping and wailing about why it happened is not doing a thing to bring Dean back."

"You're right." said Jack.

"You, me and Cas, we can blame each other, we can blame ourselves. It's all just wasted time. Dean needs us to pull ourselves together and work on finding him."

"Which we can't do until Michael slips up." said Jack.

"Yeah, well, if there's one thing we know about archangels, it's that they slip up. And continually underestimate the Winchesters."

Jack smiled. "That's true."

"We need to make sure that we don't do either."

"Do you think my grace will recharge?" said Jack.

"Of course it will. You're still a nephilim."

"Just don't pin your hopes too much on that." said Jack.

"My hopes are not nephilim-dependent." said Sam, "What I believe in, what I trust in is that you will always be a Winchester. So will Cas and we only ever needed three Winchesters to save the world."


	21. Chapter 21

Cas watched clouds drifting across the dark sky, The air had cooled as the hours had passed, though the cold had no effect on him. At the farm, Jules would be lying in the comfortable bed Sarah had given him and Sarah herself would be snug under her quilt. He wondered whether either would sleep, whether anyone he cared about was getting any rest at all. He was glad he didn't need it.

There were advantages to being soulless and inhuman.

His cellphone rang and he answered it. "Yes?" he said.

"I'm sorry to bother you so late." said Rowena, "I know you're probably tucked up in your little bed. I hope I didn't wake you."

"You didn't. I don't sleep." he said.

"Interesting. I don't know much about the nocturnal habits of angels. What are you wearing?"

"I'm wearing what I always wear."

"Now, if you don't mind my saying so, you're not really entering into the spirit of this, Castiel."

"The spirit of what?" he said.

"You're not a natural flirt, are you, darlin'?" She chuckled and said, "Are you ... can you be ... a virgin?"

"Of course not!" he said, uneasily aware that April was the only reason he could say that.

"Oh, now I am intrigued. Was it someone I know?"

"Rowena, is there a point to this conversation? Because we are a little busy here trying to stop Michael from burning the world to charcoal."

"Oh, I knew there was something. My old friend turned out not to have anything we can use against Michael. All talk, as usual."

"I know the type." said Cas.

"You sound irritable."

"You didn't come here because you said you thought you had something. Why do any of us ever trust you?"

"You never do, do you?" she said.

"How many times have you lied to us, tricked us, hexed us ... "

"I've never claimed to be a good person, but I've also helped you."

"That's true." he admitted, "Although you have so many ulterior motives, that sometimes we have to search really hard for the overt ones."

"Do you like me, Castiel?" she said, "Or do you blame me somehow for Charlie's death?"

"Your involvement was tangential and minor. I was more to blame." he said.

"You didn't answer the first part of the question."

"Angels have no likes or dislikes." he said.

"You like and dislike a lot of things." she said, "I suppose we're not friends."

"No." he said.

"But if the enemy of my enemy is my friend, then the fact that I am a friend of the Winchesters must mean something to you."

"It means I am talking to you, despite this conversation having no value whatsoever."

"You sound cross, Castiel. I wonder if you know how attractive your anger can be."

"I wonder why you persist in trying to flirt with a being incapable of feeling any of the feelings you are trying to arouse."

"Yet you are not a virgin." she said, "And there's probably a story there."

"There isn't." he said.

"Human or angel? Hunter or civilian? Pleasure or duty? Have you ever been in love?"

"Have you?" he asked.

"Yes, long ago, not wisely, but too well, if you know what I mean."

"I know the quotation." he said.

"You've led an odd sort of life, haven't you, Tweetypie? You know so much and feel so little. You watch life, death, love and sex and you don't know what any of them mean. You've fallen so often and so hard, but you're still trying to keep that halo bright. You're ashamed of the feelings you shouldn't have and afraid of them, but you're not a marble statue, my friend. There is blood in your borrowed veins. There is thunder in your heart. Even your anger at me is a passion you shouldn't feel."

"You don't know much about angels." he said.

"Maybe not, but I know a lot about men and you can't wear the flesh without feeling the thorns."

"The flesh is a vessel. I, the angel, am in control."

"So you had sex in the line of duty?"

"That's not your concern."

"Once, or more than once?"

He knew he should have said he was a virgin. It would have been a lot simpler. "You know, you could just have texted that you had nothing."

"I said my friend has nothing. I still have a few leads. I'll keep you informed."

"By text." he said.

"Where's the fun in that?"

"How is now an appropriate time for this?" he said.

"Can you think of a better one? The world's about to end. Let's grab all the fun we can before it's all over."

"This is fun to you? Antagonising an angel?"

"More fun than you can possibly imagine, assuming you can even imagine fun. Have you ever laughed, Castiel?"

"Yes, I've laughed."

"Oh, that's good. There's a little spark of life in there after all. You've laughed. You've had sex. You've rebelled against Heaven. You've even worked a little magic here and there. We have a few things in common. We should be friends."

"The enemy of my enemy who is also the friend of my friend and the friend of my enemy and the mother of my enemy and the ally of my enemy and the enemy of my friends wants to be my friend."

"Do you have so many friends you can afford to turn one away?"

"You are nobody's friend. You are a witch and the most perfidious, unreliable and selfish witch I have ever met."

"And still you like me, a little." she said.

"Perhaps I respect you, a little." he admitted.

"It's a start."

"But you should lose all interest in my private life. I don't have one."

"You don't?"

"My life is duty. Duty is my life."

"Duty to Heaven? Because that hasn't come across when you've done so much that wasn't sanctioned by them. Duty to the Winchesters, perhaps?"

"Duty to creation, to good rather than evil, to humanity."

"Humanity, my dear, are not worth your time."

"That has not been my experience."

"I remain enthralled by the possibility that I may hear all about your experiences."

"Really? I find it hard to imagine you in thrall to anything."

"Now you're getting the hang of flirting." she said.

"Playing games with me might not be the best use of your time, with an apocalypse looming."

"Ah, there's always an apocalypse looming. The Winchesters will handle it. They always do."

"And if they need your help?"

"I'm working on it. I told you."

"You tell me a lot. I believe less than half of it."

"That's probably very wise." she said, "Is that wind I can hear?"

"Yes. There's some wind tonight."

"You're outside?"

"On top of the bunker." he said.

"Alone?"

"No. I'm talking to you." he said.

"Is something wrong?" she asked and it sounded close to sincere.

"No, nothing." he said, "Goodbye, Rowena."

"Au revoir, mon cher." she said.


	22. Chapter 22

The bunker was quiet and everyone he had to worry about, with one notable exception, was accounted for, so Sam headed for his room. He would call Sarah at about 10 am and make sure she was okay and had no huge concerns over him. At the same time, he could talk to her about Cas and whether she could get him to go to the farm or at least look Jules in the eye.

He was troubled that Cas seemed likely to stay outside all night. The cold would not trouble him, but he went out there to think and solitary thinking never seemed to end well with Cas. Perhaps he should have insisted on a conversation, tried again to invoke the Winchester Pact, but it was hard for him to spend time around Cas, seeing the pain he was in and knowing that he could have spared Cas all that grief if he had acted sooner, to stop Lucifer, to take away Michael's leverage over Dean.

Thinking of Dean was a bad idea. Immediately, his mind started listing all the times his actions had harmed Dean. In the brutal balance calculations of his brain, it was pretty clear that his birth had been the single worst thing to happen to Dean. All the bad stuff had flowed from that. His existence was Dean's destruction, now possibly literally.

He reached under the pillows and took out a small bottle of whisky. He lay on the bed and drank slowly from the bottle. Apocalypse World was what happened when he and Dean had never been born. That was something to argue that his birth had not been a completely terrible thing.

He wondered if he should check on Cas, maybe try to get him back into the bunker. At some point, they would have to talk, if only so he could point out to Cas that the guilt eating away at him had no real foundation. It didn't even make sense.

He wanted to kill Michael. He wanted to finish him forever. Not while he was in that body, though. Even if Dean were dead, Sam was not sure he could kill his corpse. When Dean had been a demon, he had tried and failed to consider ganking him like any other demonic nasty. How could he kill an archangel who was wearing his brother?

At some point, Sam fell asleep and he found himself walking down a dark alley, littered with refuse. A figure sat huddled to the right, turning a knife over in his hands. "Get me out of here." said Dean.

"Where are you?" said Sam.

Dean looked up, a flickering street light illuminating a face devoid of hope. "Lost." he said.

"Helpful." said Sam, "You gotta give me more than that."

"Why aren't you trying harder? Don't you want to find me?" said Dean.

"That's not fair." said Sam, all too aware it was his own subconscious accusing him.

"Dad would have found me by now." said Dean, bitterly, "I would have found you by now."

"I'm not Dad." said Sam, "I'm not you."

Dream Dean smiled grimly. "That's okay. I'm not me either."

"Are you alive?" said Sam.

"Was I ever?" said Dean, "We don't get lives, Sam. We just have the job. We fight until we can't fight anymore and then we fail and we fall and we get lost."

"No." said Sam, "I don't accept that."

"You never did."

"I never can." said Sam.

"What do you need?" said Dean.

"My brother. I can do anything if he's with me."

"If I never make it back, can you fight on alone?"

"I can get revenge. It's as good a reason as any to keep going." said Sam, "But that is not permission for you not to make it. These people here need a leader and they deserve a better one than me. And Cas needs you. He's not doing so well."

"So fix him. Get Sarah to fix him. The least you can do is help Cas."

"Why don't you get back here and fix your own damn angel?"

"Maybe you need to stand on your own two feet now." said Dean.

"No. Don't say that. Don't even think it." he said, not sure if he spoke to Dean or himself.

"Sooner or later, everyone dies." said Dean calmly.

Sam opened his eyes. He was still holding the bottle. He hurled it against the wall and felt a moment of satisfaction as it broke, followed by the realisation that half a bottle of good whisky was now trickling down the wall when it could have been coursing down his throat.

"You don't get to quit!" he said, to Dean and himself and a little to Cas.

He went to the showers and rinsed off his sweat and exhaustion in refreshingly cold water. He washed his hair, knowing that he had to look pretty good to stop the others from seeing how close to the edge he was. He dressed in clean clothes and looked in the mirror. The face looking back at him seemed both eleven years old and eighty.

Without his brother he was struggling even to remember who he was supposed to be. In childhood, Dean had been his hero, in adult life, his guide. Even when they had fought, Sam had defined himself by his opposition to his brother. When they agreed, they were the strongest force on Chuck's Earth. He remembered Jack talking about half of who he was being torn away. That was exactly how losing Dean felt to Sam. Worse, it was the better half.

Dean had always been so good at faking strength. Sam borrowed from him now, turning his weary, unbalanced stagger into more of a swagger, affecting a studious frown of concentration to hide the fact he could barely keep his eyes open and preparing to lie through his teeth to anyone who presumed to care about him.

"We're messed up, Dean." he said to the face in the mirror that was somehow both Winchesters at once.


	23. Chapter 23

  
The sunrise, as usual, lifted Castiel's spirits a little and he sat in the golden glow and considered his next step. Rowena had nothing and could have nothing because angels and archangels were beyind her understanding, though not beyond her curiosity.

If he ever wanted to work on the thoughts he sometimes had, about grace and life and protecting those he loved, Rowena might be a natural ally, if he could endure her company. He would only have to wave the opportunity to experiment with grace in front of her and she would agree.

Of course, he would have to be careful. Grace held great power and he could easily become her lab rat and victim. Rowena had ambition to match her intelligence and her intelligence was formidable.

Michael had not acted. Dean had not broken free and made contact. These were bad signs. Bobby thought he was being cruel to Jules. This was also not a good thing. Bobby was her species, came from her world. If it seemed like cruelty to him, maybe she saw it that way too.

He probed the back of his mind, poking around for some trace of the mental connection he already knew was dead. Maybe Michael had closed it, maybe Dean or maybe Dean was just no longer there to communicate.

But Dean had been dead before. He knew the drill. He knew so many ways to make contact through the veil. The very fact that he was not haunting the bunker suggested that he was still alive. He was still alive. He had to be.

His angel blade slid easily into his hand. The weight and balance of it were familiar and comforting and so was the knowledge that this blade could terminate his life and end his suffering. Eternity, if no longer the promise, would not be allowed to be the sentence.

Jules hated seeing him handle the angel blade. She saw it as dangerous, as an indication of self-destructive thoughts and he told himself that, although he had just been contemplating the possibility of suicide, she was foolish to be so worried. He was a rational being, thoughts unclouded by unnecessary emotion. He would end his life only if that became the best choice, objectively, logically and sensibly.

Thinking of her made him miss her more. The day before, he knew he had badly mishandled their interactions, making her feel he didn't care. Even as he ached to feel her loving arms around him, he had avoided eye contact and backed away. He had seen the hurt in her eyes and he had wanted to make things right with her, but knew that he could not.

He never should have let her think he loved her. He wasn't even sure love existed in angels. He wanted it to, but even archangels exhibited no sign of tender feelings and archangels were, by definition, better than ordinary, rank and file angels like him.

He looked at the blade, meant for meting out Heavenly justice, asserting what was right, punishing what was wrong. If he were less corrupted, he would probably cut deep into his own flesh until he cut out his selfish needs and desires and stopped hurting the very humans he was supposed to protect.

Then again, he had little confidence in his own moral judgement. Maybe love hurt because it involved change and growth and maybe it was necessary and important. Perhaps the pain he inflicted and the pain he felt were both vital to some greater purpose. If so, he should not be so quick to close doors and burn bridges.

Whatever the existential issues, whatever the philosophical import of his feelings, there were two people at the farm who had shown him nothing but love and he was hurting them with every hour of silence and every terse reply to their gentle overtures. He remembered Bobby's words, "Jules deserves better." She and Sarah both did.

"Good morning." said Jack, behind him.

He turned. "I didn't hear you come out here."

"I think your mind was somewhere else." said Jack, "Have you been here all night?"

"What makes you think that?" said Cas.

Jack smiled. "Two things. You were out here when I went to bed and your hair looks a little ... dewy."

"So you did go to bed. Did you sleep?"

"Eventually." said Jack, "I sleep a lot. I never needed this much sleep and food before. And I get weirdly thirsty."

He fell silent and Cas had the feeling there was something else on his mind. "What is it, Jack?" he said.

"It's probably nothing and compared with archangel possession, it's nothing anyway, but there's something different, since I lost my grace."

"You came to the right person. I've been through it myself, remember? What's the problem?"

"I may be going blind. The range of colours I see is smaller, the range of clear vision much less. Is that normal?"

Cas stood. "Your senses are closer to the human norms now. You won't be able to see the infrared or ultraviolet. You can't see on a microscopic level either, probably."

"No, I can't." said Jack, "And my hearing is diminished."

"That's normal too. These things will return to our normal when your grace returns."

"Okay. Good." said Jack, "Forget I said anything."

"Jack, you can always talk to me, about anything."

"I know, but adding to your burdens now ... "

"I need to know you will always talk to me when you need to. Your silence would be a burden. Sharing your problems with me is a compliment."

Jack smiled. "Sam and I know things are rough for you. I'd like to think you felt you could also talk to me."

"I know I can." said Cas.

"I hate these limitations. I hate this weakness. I need to kill Michael."

"You are very human for now, but I have seen humans do things no angel could. When the time comes, one of us will find a way to deal with Michael and save Dean."

"Then why are you sitting out on a hillside all night, getting damp and lonely?" said Jack.

"Because, sometimes, life is hard." said Cas.

"And always harder alone." said Jack.

"Like you, I am trying not to be a burden."

"Like me, you don't need to do that." said Jack.


	24. Chapter 24

Sam grabbed a quick breakfast with his mother and then went to the garage. The Impala continued to haunt on Dean's behalf and he found his gaze repeatedly drawn to it, as if looking at it could summon its owner. Usually, the hunters' other vehicles clustered around it, like horses around their leader. Now, everyone seemed to park a little further away, out of respect perhaps, or perhaps, like Sam, they found it a disturbing presence without Dean.

He was still there when Sarah arrived. She parked her elderly Ford near the entrance to the garage and took a box from the passenger seat. "Good morning, Sam, I made some cakes." she said.

"You didn't believe I would call?" he said, slightly wounded by her lack of faith in his word.

"I was almost sure you would, but I thought if you're ready to talk, face to face might be better. You might find it harder to lie to me that way."

"Why do you assume I'll lie?" he said,

"Because I've met you. Of course you intended to lie. How else could you convince me not to worry?"

"Well, I could just honestly tell you I'm fine." he said.

"There, you see. It's much harder to look me in the eye and sell me that raccoon as a Persian cat."

He looked into the unflinching blue eyes. Sarah had seen a lot of people pretending to be okay when they weren't and she knew the Winchesters and had the benefit of Castiel's understanding of them too. Lying to her was stupid and pointless. It was an insult.

"Sorry." he said, "I had to try."

"Of course you did." she said, "But now we can talk properly, yes?"

He nodded. "Okay. And, since you're here, you can also talk to Cas. He's not doing so well."

"Compared to you?"

He smiled. "Well, he's not even trying to pretend he's fine."

"That does sound bad. I'll try to talk to him, although he's avoiding me as effectively as you are. You look exhausted."

"Do I? I thought I was doing okay at looking okay."

"Sleep deprivation is a very effective form of torture. It's so effective that Dean uses it to punish himself when he feels he's failed."

"That's not what I'm doing." said Sam, "I try to sleep, but I can't. And when I do grab a couple of minutes of shut-eye, I have dreams about how badly I'm letting Dean down - again."

"How many archangels do you have to defeat in single combat before you'll feel you're doing a good job?"

"Just one more." he said.

"You don't even know where Michael is. You have no weapon to use against him."

"I didn't know where Dean was when he was in Purgatory either. He didn't consider that a good enough excuse and neither do I." said Sam.

She took his arm. "Where can we talk?" she said.

"My room." he said, "I have a bunker full of people who need to believe the act."

"You feel as if you're standing in for Dean." she said.

"I've felt that way my whole life." he said, starting to walk towards his room.

"Which is strange, when he always talks like you're the natural leader."

"Yeah, well, I'm doing great at that now, aren't I?" he said.

"According to Jules, you are."

He suddenly remembered the whisky. "Maybe we should use the Dean Cave."

"Sam, I had a son. I know what boy's rooms look like when tidying is not a priority."

"I still think ... "

"You don't have to hide anything from me."

"After a bad dream, I decorated my wall in whisky." he said quietly.

She smiled. "Then let's go via the kitchen and get something to clean that up."

"You are not cleaning up after me." he said.

"I need to do something. That's something."

He didn't argue further and when they reached his room, she gestured for him to sit on the bed and she carefully picked up the pieces of broken glass.

"I'm sorry." he said, "It was so dumb."

She waved a hand in the direction of the door. "Out there, you're a calm, rational leader, keeping everyone focused. In here, you have to be allowed to crumble a little."

"I'm crumbling everywhere. Bobby thinks I'm not the right person to lead. He has a point."

"That man can make a fine chicken coop, but if he said that, he doesn't know squat about leadership. If he said that. But maybe you just heard that." She cleaned the sticky mess left by the whisky and then stood up. "There. That's one thing you don't need to worry about."

"Thanks." he said. Not having to be the responsible adult for a moment felt good.

She pulled up a chair and sat down. "You and Castiel are making the same mistake, cutting yourself off from those who could help you. You have a support system, but you're choosing not to use it."

There was no point in denying it. "Yes." he said.

"And you're even avoiding Castiel's help."

"He's in no state to help anyone. He couldn't even look at Jules yesterday. What help do you imagine he could be to me?"

"Well, for a start, he could put you into a deep and dreamless sleep. Why didn't you ask him to last night?"

"Two reasons, really. First, sleep seems like a waste of time when Dean is out there somewhere, controlled by that monster. I can't afford to sleep too deeply. What if I slept through some sign of where Dean is? I need to nap, maybe, but deep sleep is out."

"He can limit the time you sleep."

"Yes, but even half an hour could be too long. If I miss Dean ... "

"Others can look for him too." she said.

"I know. Not such a good leader after all. I can't delegate."

"It could take days or weeks to find Dean." said Sarah.

He nodded.

"What was the other reason for not asking him?" she said.

"He defied Heaven for us, more than once. He fell for us. He died for us several times. I owe Cas so much and how do I repay him? I let Lucifer escape and make a deal with Michael. That made it inevitable that Dean would say yes to Michael. Things were good for him recently. He had Jules, he and Dean had their mind link thing. He was happy."

"Well, he was getting there." said Sarah.

"The things he's done for me ... for Dean ... for the world ... "

"Michael is to blame, not you."

"Dean is lost because of me. The mind link is dead. Dean might be too. Castiel has lost his best friend and because that has screwed up his head so much, he's hiding from the woman he loves and Jack is scared he will disappear. I can't even tell Jack he won't, because there is nothing in his eyes but pain."

"Sam ... "

"I can hardly bear to see him like this. He keeps apologising, to me, to Jules. He has nothing to apologise for."

"Neither do you." she said.

"Oh yes, I do. I can't ask him for anything, because I already took everything away from him."


	25. Chapter 25

Jack had taken Cas to the kitchen, with an offer of coffee. He felt better as soon as he had him off the hillside where he always went to brood and worry. He was still distant, wearing his damp coat like a suit of armour and hiding somewhere deep within.

"Do you still hear angel radio?" said Cas.

"Yes. Why?" said Jack.

"I could, when I lost my grace. It's a good sign. It means you're not all the way human." He raised a placatory hand. "Not that I have anything against humans. I just want you to get your grace back soon."

"Don't worry. I know you respect humans. You respected my mother and you love the Winchesters."

"I grew to love your mother too. She had strength and courage I have rarely seen before." said Cas. He sounded wistful and sad. Then he said, "Why are you making coffee for me, Jack?"

"You said yes when I asked if you wanted some."

"Why did you offer? You should be ... "

"Resting? Everyone wants me to rest. I don't need to rest. I need to do something!" He realised he was raising his voice and calmed down with an effort. "Coffee is something I can still do, so let me do it."

Cas lowered his head. "I'm sorry. I should understand better than anyone. I get so wrapped up in my own thoughts ... "

"You're the least selfish person I know."

"Dean gave his life for you."

"I hope not." said Jack.

"I'm not blaming you, just saying, that's selfless."

"Okay, you and the Winchesters. Have you called Jules? You should call Jules and Sarah."

"No, I shouldn't. I have no good news to give either of them."

"And you're only allowed contact with them if you bring good news?"

"They need to hear good news." said Cas.

Jack poured the coffee and put a cup in front of Cas, who raised his head and smiled his thanks.

"Isn't a relationship supposed to include the good and the bad?" said Jack.

"You're not much of an expert on relationships." said Cas.

"No, I'm not, but I know they love you and I know it feels wrong, you hiding from them like this."

"I'm not hiding. There are things I need to figure out, that's all. I don't want to drag them, or anyone, through all my thinking."

"You still have doubts about Jules?"

"I never had any doubts about Jules."

"I mean your feelings for her."

"No. I don't doubt those either. Drink your coffee."

"I just ... "

"Don't." Cas drank some of his coffee, but it felt as if he used the cup as a shield.

"Sorry. I'm trying not to make things worse." said Jack.

"Everything will be fine, Jack. Things work themselves out."

"Could I ask you something not connected to Jules?"

"Please do."

"What's the most fun you ever had with Sam and Dean?" said Jack.

Cas put down his cup and smiled. "That's a difficult one. Although we've had some dark times, there has been a lot of fun too. Some of the best times were with Bobby ... real Bobby ... our Bobby. You'd have liked Bobby."

"I do like Bobby ... new Bobby ... other Bobby."

"Well, the real thing was pretty hard to beat. Expert on the lore, best liar I ever knew who wasn't a demon or an angel or a deity. A good man."

Jack could tell that Cas was becoming melancholy again. "You were about to tell me about the fun you had."

Mary walked in. "Oh, I heard voices and thought maybe Sarah was here."

"Why would she be?" said Cas, rising to his feet.

"Her car's here. She must be talking to Sam."

"Her car's here?" said Cas, "I should go. I need to ... I have to look for signs of Michael. I think I'll drive around for a while."

"Castiel," said Jack, "She'll know you're avoiding her."

"She already knows that." said Cas.

"Please, don't go." said Jack, "I worry that you'll never come back."

"You don't trust me?" said Cas.

"I trust you. I don't trust that look in your eyes. Cas, I'm scared. Everything I believed in 48 hours ago is gone, except you and Sarah. And now, it seems like I have to choose between you, when all I want is for you to talk to her so she can help you through this."

"There is no this." said Cas.

"Then what do you have to think through?" said Jack.

"I know this is difficult to understand ... "

"It's not." said Mary, "You don't trust any of us. You stayed with us because you trusted Dean and now that he's gone, you don't wanna be around the rest of us."

"That isn't true." said Cas.

"We're all in pain, Castiel." she said, "We're all missing Dean. We all feel like we let this happen and we all hate ourselves for it. I hope Sarah can talk to Sam, because he can't talk to me. Jack here is the only one who seems to want to talk to me and just having him around helps. We're family. We should stick together. It's what Dean would want."

"I don't care what Dean wants." said Cas angrily, "Why should I? He promised he would never say yes to Michael ... to any version of Michael and it was a lie, like every other promise anyone ever made to me."

"Dean felt he had no choice."

"Dean had no choice." said Cas, "But I did. One touch would have put him to sleep. He couldn't say yes to anyone unconscious, could he? I knew what he was going to do. I knew and I did nothing. I sacrificed your son for mine. To save Jack, I let Dean throw his life away."

Mary looked at him. Jack carefully moved between him and the door.

"He promised." said Cas and the depth of his pain was audible in his voice.

Mary touched his arm. "Did it even enter your head to zap him into oblivion?"

"No." said Cas, "Not at the time."

"Then this was not a decision. This was not in any way your fault."

"Tell that to Sam."

"I don't think Sam would ever think to blame you." she said gently.

"Castiel," said Jack, "Could we go someplace quiet and talk about my grace?"

"What about Sarah?"

"If you really don't want to talk to her, I don't think she'll try to force you. If you leave here, feeling the way you feel, I won't be able to stop thinking about all the bad things that could happen."

"Let's go to the archives." said Cas, "Mary, if Sarah is looking for me, tell her I'm very busy with Jack and will call her later."

"And will you?"

"Nobody else keeps their promises. Why should I?"


	26. Chapter 26

"You feel you're wasting time now, don't you?" said Sarah.

Sam tried to smile. "Don't take it personally. It's just, knowing he's out there and we're waiting for Michael to get careless or take decisive action. Until he gets bold or stupid, we can't do a thing and that's getting to me."

"Of course it is. You and Dean are men of action. Whatever the odds, whatever the danger, you keep on fighting, but now, there's no action to take. You feel paralysed."

"Useless." he said.

"And yet, right now, Dean is in the fight of his life ... "

"Alone."

"Dean is never alone. He has you and he knows it. Knowing that you are here, willing him to break free, will give him strength."

"If he's alive."

"He's alive. Winchesters don't die easy and they never give up."

"They do. I did once. More than once." he said.

"It takes both of you to give up. As long as one has hope, the battle goes on. You're his strength, just as he's yours."

"He was mine. Without him, I'm not doing so well."

"I know it's painful to think about, but can you tell me what actually happened when Dean let Michael in?"

"Lucifer tried and failed to corrupt Jack. Seeing that he couldn't bend him to his will, he took his grace instead. That brought Lucifer to full power."

"More than full power, surely, since a nephilim is more powerful than the angel parent. How could Michael win against that?"

"Maybe Lucifer was counting on that, but it didn't seem to work like that. The power of a nephilim, as I understand it ... " He laughed. "I don't think anyone understands it, but angels are more powerful when in contact with a human soul. Jack has angelic grace and a human soul. With easy access to both, his power is close to unlimited. Lucifer could steal his grace, but never his soul."

"That's interesting."

"I think it saved us all. Lucifer took Jack and me away and basically gave us the chance for one of us to survive. He said one of us had to kill the other. That one would then be left alive."

"Did you believe him?"

"Not really. I couldn't kill Jack anyway. I mean, Jack! How could I do that. So I told him to kill me."

"You told that innocent child to kill someone he loves like a father?"

"He pointed the blade at his own heart. He was going to die. Suddenly Dean was there. For a moment, I felt so much relief, but he hadn't come alone. Lucifer, Michael and Dean fought and Dean won. I don't care what Michael claims, that was Dean. He just borrowed a little power. But then, when Michael was supposed to leave the vessel and set Dean free, he refused."

"I thought angels needed consent." she said.

"So did we. We went back to the bunker and we told everyone what had happened and I saw the light die in Mom's eyes and in Castiel's. If I'd acted sooner, done as Jack was going to do, gave my life for his ... "

"How would Dean know that had happened? How would Dean not seek revenge for your death?"

"I know. I've had this argument with myself a lot. I wish I could have been there, when he made the agreement. I don't even know if I would have tried to stop him, but I would have been there, at his side."

"You were probably more use to him in the battle."

"I didn't do anything. I just threw the archangel blade to him."

"That sounds like quite a lot."

Sam's phone rang. "Sorry," he said, "It's Mom."

Sarah nodded.

"Hey, Mom." he said.

"Castiel knows Sarah is here." she said.

"Is he leaving?"

"No. Jack is keeping him here. They're in the archives. He wanted to leave. Sam, he thinks he should have put Dean to sleep so he couldn't say yes to Michael."

"That's what he thinks makes this his fault?"

"I don't know how long Jack can keep him here."

"Do me a favour. Sabotage his car. It's not sophisticated, but it works."

"Okay." she said.

"Talk to you later." he said. He looked at Sarah, "You probably worked out what all that was."

"I'd hoped to surprise him. Is disabling his car necessary?"

"I'm not prepared to risk losing him today. I need you to talk to him too. Apparently, he feels he failed to save Dean because he didn't put him to sleep to stop him saying yes to Michael."

"Even for him, that's a stretch."

"Yeah."

"But you understand, because you're blaming yourself with as little reason."

Sam ignored that. "Maybe you can make him understand he's done nothing wrong."

"I'll do my best." Her expression was hard to read and she seemed hesitant to say whatever was on her mind.

"What is it?" he said.

"I think you could help him a lot."

"How? I'll do anything." he said.

"Your brother once showed him how he saw him. It had a dramatic impact on him. Maybe you could open your mind to him so he knows that you truly don't blame him."

Now Sam was the hesitant one.

"Unless you do." she said.

"I don't. It's not that. It's just that we think that's how the link started."

"You said you envied them the link."

"I did. I do. But if I suggest it, I have to be open about the fact that it could open a link between Cas and me and I don't know how he would feel about that." He looked down for a moment, unable to meet her eyes. "I don't know how I feel about that."

"I thought you had all agreed emotional honesty was good."

"We did, then."

"What's changed?" she asked.

"Then, I could handle my emotions better."

"Hide them?" she suggested.

"Control them. Cas is pretty fragile. He doesn't need my broken bits getting mixed in with his. Unless we want to make the darkest mosaic of all time, we should keep the shattered parts to ourselves."

"I can see that's keeping you all sane and comfortable." she said.

"It's not keeping any of us either of those things, but I can't just ... "

"Be honest with your brother who is dying inside because he is afraid to be honest with you?"

"Put like that ... Why did you have to put it like that?" said Sam.

"I know it's hard. I know you don't even want to look at him. Of course, that's because you love him and his pain is harder for you to bear than your own. And he really, really needs to know that's why, because all he can see is that you look away as if you can hardly bear the fact that he exists."

"I'm struggling just to keep going."

"I know and the last thing I want to do is make it harder, but he already knows how bad you feel. That's why he's so angry with himself and so convinced you must blame him."

"I don't know if I can open my mind to him under these circumstances."

"You all have one serious false belief about friendship, that you offer your life to your friends just as soon as it's perfect. Real friendship ... real love ... is where you share it all, the good, the bad and the ugly."

"You really think it'll help Cas?"

"I think it'll help both of you."

"It might not open a link. I think there has to be a feeling of need on both sides. Cas has never felt as close to me as he is to Dean."

"Even just suggesting it will show him that you care. Imagine how much that will help him right now." said Sarah.

"We should both talk to him."

"And soon, if he's likely to leave."


	27. Chapter 27

As they approached the door of the first storeroom in the main archives, Sam heard Jack say, "Your Bobby was awesome."

"Yes, he was." said Cas in reply.

Sam opened the door.

Cas turned to glare at him. "As I told you once before, you need to knock."

"When it's just you and Jack?" said Sam.

"Of course." said Sarah, going into the room and standing in front of Cas. "I've missed you, Castiel. Is a hug available, or is the silent treatment going to continue when I'm right in front of you?"

Cas took a step back.

Sam saw the flash of hurt in Sarah's eyes, before she hid it and said, "I understand."

Some internal battle went on and suddenly Cas stepped forward and hugged her, at first diffidently and then something changed and he was clinging to her.

She stroked his back and said quietly, "I know, my dear, I know."

"Cas, we need a good, long, uninterrupted talk." said Sam, "So you, me and Sarah are going for a drive in the Impala."

"No." said Cas, releasing Sarah from the embrace.

"I know this isn't something you want to do. It's not something I want to do ... "

"Good, then let's not do it." said Cas.

"I don't care whether you consider the Pact invalidated or not, you know we need to be honest with each other." said Sam.

"We need to tolerate each other until Dean is found and saved. Then, I promise, I will go away and you will never have to see or hear of me again."

"You think that's what I want?" said Sam.

"It's what I want." said Cas.

"Oh, Castiel, you will never make a good liar." said Sarah.

"It's true. What have I ever brought the Winchesters but misery and pain?"

"Two rescues from Hell, countless self-sacrifices for our survival and Jack and that's just off the top of my head." said Sam.

"If you have something to say, say it here. I'm not getting into that car." said Cas.

"Because the car is Dean's and you can't bear to be near it or because in the car, you won't be able to escape?" said Sam.

Cas headed for the door. Jack stood in front of it. "Castiel, please." he said.

"You're a good boy." Sarah said to Jack and the smile they shared showed how hard this was for both.

Sam closed his eyes, aware that everything he said sounded like an attack and eager not to make things any worse. He tried to imagine what Dean would say, but calling Cas a dumbass was unlikely to help.

He opened his eyes and said, "If I don't seem to look at you, it's because the guilt is killing me. I took more from you than from Dean when I let him sacrifice himself for me."

Cas looked at him in horror. "Sam, you weren't even there."

Sarah decided to interpret. "He blames himself because Lucifer gave them a choice. If one killed the other, he would let that one go. Sam thinks if he had immediately killed himself, things might have ended differently. So, boys, do we feel there might be some benefit to an honest talk?"

"Everything that happened was my fault and mine alone." said Cas.

"No. It wasn't." said Sam.

"If I'd killed myself immediately, instead of hesitating ... " Jack began.

"What?" said Cas.

"It was the only way out I could see." said Jack.

"Suicide?" said Cas.

"Self-sacrifice. It's what we do, isn't it?"

"No!" said Sam and Cas together.

"I think you boys have been a very bad influence on this child." said Sarah.

"I think I have been a bad influence on the whole of humanity." said Cas.

"Yes, but you think that because you're not thinking clearly." she said. She looked at Jack, "I think we need a good, long talk too."

"I'd like that." he said.

"I'll get Jules to pick you up tomorrow and bring you to the farm."

Jack nodded. "For now, best if I am out of the way."

"Look after Mary. This must all be so painful for her."

"I will." said Jack. He left.

"Cas, what will it take to get you into that car?" said Sam.

"Why do you want to talk?" said Cas.

"Because I've lost one brother and I don't wanna lose the other." said Sam.

"We should take my car."

"No. Your car isn't working." said Sam, a little embarrassed.

"You damaged my car?"

"Disabled. It can be fixed. And technically, Mom did it."

"Why?" said Cas, "Didn't you trust me?"

"Do you trust you?"

"I never have." said Cas.

"I know this isn't easy," said Sarah, "But you two are on the same side and you need to stop trying to protect yourselves and each other and just open up about everything. Castiel, Sam doesn't blame you for anything. Sam, Castiel can't be in the same room as you because he feels he killed your brother. I'm no psychic, but I can feel the pain buzzing around both of you and it's time to acknowledge it, share it and find a way through."

"And we think we may have found a way." said Sam.

"A way that brings Dean back?" said Cas.

"A way that makes it easier for both of you to survive to save Dean." said Sarah.

"Then tell me here."

"In the car." said Sam.

"Why?"

"Because you're doing a lot of walking away." said Sam.

"I could jump out of a moving car with little harm." said Cas.

"Are you going to?" said Sam.

Cas looked from him to Sarah. After a long silence, he said, "No."

Sarah smiled at him. "No, he's strong, my angel." she said proudly. She adjusted his coat collar. "Jules is missing you terribly."

"I would give anything to undo the harm I have done and will do." he said.

"When you leave her?" said Sarah.

"Whatever I do. I never should have ... "

She covered his mouth with her hand. "Castiel, with all that I have lost and still stand to lose, don't you dare say that love is a mistake."

He gently moved her hand away from his mouth. "For humans, I don't think it ever is. But I am not human and should not pretend to be."

"My dear friend, I know you know me too well to hear it as an insult when I say you are the most human person I have ever known."

"That could never be an insult, just hopelessly inaccurate." he said.

"We need to get into the car and onto the road." she said.

Cas looked at Sam. "You said you didn't want to do this."

"I don't." said Sam, "I know how broken you are. I know I could make it worse."

"That's your reason?"

"One of fifteen thousand." said Sam, "But it's top of the list."

"Then why are we doing this?" said Cas.

"Is handling it all alone going swimmingly?" said Sarah.

"I can't say that it is." said Cas.


	28. Chapter 28

When they got to the Impala. Sam gestured to the passenger door. "Just this once, you get to ride shotgun."

Cas opened the door. "I'm still not sure this is a good idea."

"I'm not sure either." said Sam, "But I'm not coming up with any other options and neither are you, so let's trust Sarah."

Sarah got into the back seat and made herself comfortable. "Get in, both of you."

They obeyed. Sam started the engine.

"Don't play any of his music." said Cas.

Sam could understand that. He needed no reminders of Dean either. "Fine. No music." he said, "Any preference on direction?"

"Unless you know where Dean is, all roads are equally pointless." said Cas.

"Just a no would have worked." said Sam, as they headed out.

"Are you okay to drive?" said Sarah, "Because Castiel and I can both drive if not."

"I've driven on a lot less sleep." said Sam.

"I have every confidence in you." she said, "You two go ahead and talk."

They drove for some time in silence, then Sam said, "Before you shoot this idea down, Cas, I do know all the arguments against it, including that it could open a mental link between us that you may not want."

"That sounds like a bad idea, especially if you also don't want it." said Cas.

"I'm not pulling a Dean here." said Sam, "I'll be honest. I envied you and Dean your link and I'd like to be able to communicate with you like that, but I do have doubts. Sarah thinks we should be open about our pain, but the thought of giving you more to deal with ... "

"I can take it. My question is, can you?"

"The way I see it," said Sarah, "Is that both of you are already wounded by each other's pain and both of you have thoughts tearing you apart that you cannot discuss with anyone else."

"Plus, you already shared my Hell." said Sam, "It's about time I took a share of yours. Most importantly, though, I want to show you my thoughts, so you know there is nothing in there that blames you or hates you or wants you to leave. In fact, I'm terrified that you'll leave and we'll never be able to get you back."

"Like Dean?" said Cas.

"I hope not. Look, Cas, you and Dean were working so well with the connection. You had it under control. You could both choose to use it or keep it closed. Now, I think you and I could start it out by choice and build into it the kind of control you and Dean were eventually able to use."

"Dean and I were a special case." said Cas.

"Right. More profound bond. I know. But I can't give you Dean. I wish I could."

Cas was looking at him, saying nothing.

"What?" said Sam.

"The more profound bond thing. I really hurt you when I said that, didn't I?" said Cas.

"What? No! No, I get it."

"Sam, I had no understanding of human feelings and little concern for them. I spoke the truth as I understood it, but I understood almost nothing."

"It was true."

"In some ways, at the time, perhaps. It's not true now. You and I have shared things Dean can never understand. My hesitation is not because I don't desire mental communion with you, it's that I cannot offer you clarity or sanity or nice, comfortable emotions." He touched his head. "This is a Hellscape of confusion and pain and fury."

"Mine too."

"Yours is controlled, limited. Mine is boundless and untempered by any kind of wilful control. Sam, I should be in complete control of my mind and I am not. I fear to look within. I fear insanity."

"Right there with you." said Sam, "So let's do this together."

"You're not understanding me. I know you. For years, I've seen you tread the fine line between functional instability and screaming insanity and I'll admit, I have marvelled at your ability to do so. You kept going when anyone else would be incapacitated."

"You think this will push me over the edge?" said Sam.

"Don't you? You know me too, Sam. You know what I can bear. Now, I am telling you that this is beyond bearing. This is what will destroy me and I can live with that. I can't live with it destroying you and Jules and Jack and Sarah."

"It won't push me over the edge."

"You can't be sure of that." said Cas.

"I can, because I left the edge behind a long time ago. I've been freefalling for years. You fear insanity. I had to learn to live with it, even to embrace it. I am the one person this darkness you're in can't harm, because darkness is part of who I am."

"I'm not sure I agree with that." said Sarah.

"Until Dean was gone, I didn't know how much I was relying on him to keep me ... well, not sane, but close enough to it to be useful. He always said nothing bad would happen to me while he was around."

"The past decade has disproved that." said Cas.

"Maybe, but it still feels true. And now Dean is gone. I feel like I've been hit by a truck and then time has frozen in that moment and the pain and shock of the impact have become eternal. If you're broken, so am I, Cas and we both know, the only way through this is each other. Neither of us is going to find a way to live for ourselves."

"That is probably true." said Cas, "Of course, there may be no connection formed. Dean and I have theories, but we never really came to any firm conclusions. It might not cause a link to open."

"It might not." said Sam, "But I think it's more likely to open one if we consciously try to do so. At the same time, we can put in a kill switch."

"That sounds a little ominous." said Sarah.

"I just mean a way for either of us to shut it down at any time, temporarily or permanently. If we include it in the initial parameters, control should not be a problem and both of us get to have privacy any time we like."

"Why are you even considering this?" said Cas.

Sam sighed and said what Dean might say, "Because you're my brother, dumbass!"


	29. Chapter 29

  
Sam saw some woods ahead and glanced at Sarah. "Maybe a good place to stop?" he said.

"It seems quiet." she said.

He drove a little way into the woods and then parked the car. He turned to Cas. "How's it all sounding so far?"

"I wish we could discuss it with Dean." said Cas.

"So do I."

"Are you suggesting this because you think we will never get him back?"

"No, I don't believe that." said Sam, then, knowing that if he were to open his mind to Cas, half-truths would not stand a chance, he added, "I can't let myself believe that. If I do, going on feels impossible."

"If he doesn't come back, we're both finished, aren't we?" said Cas.

"I think so." said Sam.

"No." said Sarah, "Giving up is not your way."

"Do you know why I didn't look for him when he was in Purgatory?" said Sam.

"You had no idea where he was or whether he even still existed." said Cas, "You didn't even have Rowena then."

"Don't make excuses for me, Cas. I knew he could still be alive or retrievable, at least. I didn't look for two reasons. One, without Dean, doing anything, even making a coherent plan, felt impossible. Two, I was afraid of finding out that he was truly dead and lost forever. I knew I couldn't live with that. I had a taste of that before and it turned me into someone else, someone weaker. The truth is, without Dean, I'm nothing."

"Same here." said Cas.

"You both underestimate yourselves." said Sarah, "But Dean will be back."

"The point is, I hid. That thing with Amelia ... I wasn't trying to make a future for myself, I just needed a distraction from thinking about Dean and how he was probably dead and certainly lost. And now, I'm doing the same thing with the hunters."

"I know." said Sarah, "You're willing to burn yourself out if it means you're too tired to think."

"Only, guess what? Turns out, I am never too tired to think. Too tired to sleep, sometimes. Too tired to be a useful leader. Never too tired to think. I swear as they set light to my pyre, my brain will still be thinking of all the ways I let Dean down."

"Dean says you haven't." she said.

"Dean always stuck up for me. He knows the list as well as I do." He looked at Cas "Or, to answer your question more briefly: no, I'm not doing this because I think we've lost Dean forever."

Cas nodded.

"So, can we consider this?" said Sam.

"What will Dean think of it?" said Cas.

"He said he wished we could all have the same mental connection."

"True. Of course, the mind link might not form."

"In which case, there is nothing for him to worry about." said Sam.

"So the only question is where we do it." said Cas.

"Not the bunker." said Sam, "I may get ... emotional. I need not to do that around the others."

"One of whom is your mother." said Sarah.

"Especially not around her. The Dean thing is hitting her hard. I don't want her worrying about me. There's the farm."

"At your disposal at any time." she said.

"The farm's impossible." said Cas, "Jules is at the farm."

"You have to face her sometime." said Sarah.

"Yes, but privately and with nothing else happening. And not while I am in such confusion."

"She could help you." she said.

"It's not her job to help me. She's a hunter, not an angel fixer."

"She's someone who loves you." she said.

"Which means she has already done more for me than most. I will not ask more." he said.

"She'd love you to ask for anything you need." said Sarah, "It's hard to be in a relationship with someone who doesnt want to interact with you."

"We interact a lot. We talk. We talk all the time. We kiss. We've even danced."

Sam smiled to himself at how big a deal that was to Cas. To Dean, calling that a relationship would seem laughable. To Cas, it was all real enough. "You do have something special with her." he said.

"Very special." said Cas.

"And now you won't even call her." said Sarah, sadly.

Sam saw the pain in Castiel's eyes and said, "He knows. We can talk about that later. Maybe we should just do it here, away from everyone. I won't tell anyone outside this car, except maybe Dean, anything that happens here. Cas, you can tell Jules, Jack or Dean anything you need to."

"Why not your mother?" said Sarah.

"Mom doesn't know how bad things are. I'd like to keep it that way, at least until we get Dean back."

"Then I won't say anything to her for now." said Sarah.

Sam remembered something. "Cas, this might immediately open a link. You've shown your thoughts to me before. If reciprocation is all that's required ... "

"So we need to have the kill switch ready."

"And then you'll be ready for this?" said Sam. More than anything, he feared making any of it worse for Cas.

Cas nodded.

"Okay, read my thoughts."

"You don't need some time to edit?" said Cas.

"I think total honesty is the way to go." said Sam.

Cas passed his angel blade to Sarah. "If anything goes wrong, or Sam shows any sign of distress, cut me, carefully, with this. It will break my focus and free him."

"I'm not going to cut you." she said, "I know you will be in control."

"Well, I have no such certainty, so have the blade in case." said Cas.

She took it and said, "If that's what you need to be able to do this. Remember, boys, I'm here. I will always be here ... well, for as long as I live. You never have to handle anything alone."

"Thanks, Sarah." said Sam, "I appreciate that." He had seen Cas flinch at the intimation of her mortality.

"Yes, thanks, Sarah." said Cas.

Their eyes met. "Ready?" said Sam.

"Not really," said Cas, "But I doubt I will become more ready."

"I promise, I don't blame you for Dean." said Sam.

"Even deep down?"

"Look and see." said Sam.

  
Sam saw some woods ahead and glanced at Sarah. "Maybe a good place to stop?" he said.

"It seems quiet." she said.

He drove a little way into the woods and then parked the car. He turned to Cas. "How's it all sounding so far?"

"I wish we could discuss it with Dean." said Cas.

"So do I."

"Are you suggesting this because you think we will never get him back?"

"No, I don't believe that." said Sam, then, knowing that if he were to open his mind to Cas, half-truths would not stand a chance, he added, "I can't let myself believe that. If I do, going on feels impossible."

"If he doesn't come back, we're both finished, aren't we?" said Cas.

"I think so." said Sam.

"No." said Sarah, "Giving up is not your way."

"Do you know why I didn't look for him when he was in Purgatory?" said Sam.

"You had no idea where he was or whether he even still existed." said Cas, "You didn't even have Rowena then."

"Don't make excuses for me, Cas. I knew he could still be alive or retrievable, at least. I didn't look for two reasons. One, without Dean, doing anything, even making a coherent plan, felt impossible. Two, I was afraid of finding out that he was truly dead and lost forever. I knew I couldn't live with that. I had a taste of that before and it turned me into someone else, someone weaker. The truth is, without Dean, I'm nothing."

"Same here." said Cas.

"You both underestimate yourselves." said Sarah, "But Dean will be back."

"The point is, I hid. That thing with Amelia ... I wasn't trying to make a future for myself, I just needed a distraction from thinking about Dean and how he was probably dead and certainly lost. And now, I'm doing the same thing with the hunters."

"I know." said Sarah, "You're willing to burn yourself out if it means you're too tired to think."

"Only, guess what? Turns out, I am never too tired to think. Too tired to sleep, sometimes. Too tired to be a useful leader. Never too tired to think. I swear as they set light to my pyre, my brain will still be thinking of all the ways I let Dean down."

"Dean says you haven't." she said.

"Dean always stuck up for me. He knows the list as well as I do." He looked at Cas "Or, to answer your question more briefly: no, I'm not doing this because I think we've lost Dean forever."

Cas nodded.

"So, can we consider this?" said Sam.

"What will Dean think of it?" said Cas.

"He said he wished we could all have the same mental connection."

"True. Of course, the mind link might not form."

"In which case, there is nothing for him to worry about." said Sam.

"So the only question is where we do it." said Cas.

"Not the bunker." said Sam, "I may get ... emotional. I need not to do that around the others."

"One of whom is your mother." said Sarah.

"Especially not around her. The Dean thing is hitting her hard. I don't want her worrying about me. There's the farm."

"At your disposal at any time." she said.

"The farm's impossible." said Cas, "Jules is at the farm."

"You have to face her sometime." said Sarah.

"Yes, but privately and with nothing else happening. And not while I am in such confusion."

"She could help you." she said.

"It's not her job to help me. She's a hunter, not an angel fixer."

"She's someone who loves you." she said.

"Which means she has already done more for me than most. I will not ask more." he said.

"She'd love you to ask for anything you need." said Sarah, "It's hard to be in a relationship with someone who doesnt want to interact with you."

"We interact a lot. We talk. We talk all the time. We kiss. We've even danced."

Sam smiled to himself at how big a deal that was to Cas. To Dean, calling that a relationship would seem laughable. To Cas, it was all real enough. "You do have something special with her." he said.

"Very special." said Cas.

"And now you won't even call her." said Sarah, sadly.

Sam saw the pain in Castiel's eyes and said, "He knows. We can talk about that later. Maybe we should just do it here, away from everyone. I won't tell anyone outside this car, except maybe Dean, anything that happens here. Cas, you can tell Jules, Jack or Dean anything you need to."

"Why not your mother?" said Sarah.

"Mom doesn't know how bad things are. I'd like to keep it that way, at least until we get Dean back."

"Then I won't say anything to her for now." said Sarah.

Sam remembered something. "Cas, this might immediately open a link. You've shown your thoughts to me before. If reciprocation is all that's required ... "

"So we need to have the kill switch ready."

"And then you'll be ready for this?" said Sam. More than anything, he feared making any of it worse for Cas.

Cas nodded.

"Okay, read my thoughts."

"You don't need some time to edit?" said Cas.

"I think total honesty is the way to go." said Sam.

Cas passed his angel blade to Sarah. "If anything goes wrong, or Sam shows any sign of distress, cut me, carefully, with this. It will break my focus and free him."

"I'm not going to cut you." she said, "I know you will be in control."

"Well, I have no such certainty, so have the blade in case." said Cas.

She took it and said, "If that's what you need to be able to do this. Remember, boys, I'm here. I will always be here ... well, for as long as I live. You never have to handle anything alone."

"Thanks, Sarah." said Sam, "I appreciate that." He had seen Cas flinch at the intimation of her mortality.

"Yes, thanks, Sarah." said Cas.

Their eyes met. "Ready?" said Sam.

"Not really," said Cas, "But I doubt I will become more ready."

"I promise, I don't blame you for Dean." said Sam.

"Even deep down?"

"Look and see." said Sam.


	30. Chapter 30

It seemed like a long time since Dean, at Stull Cemetery, had opened his mind to Cas to show him how he saw him, reciprocating Castiel's former openness, when he had shown Dean the stained glass saint he was in his eyes. This new adventure was similar and yet very different.

Dean's mind had opened cautiously, clearly focused on how he saw Cas and Cas had found it easy to stay in that one train of thought, all others being closed to him, or at least hidden. Sam's mind was much more open, as he consciously dropped as many barriers as he could, an act of trust greater than Dean's, perhaps more desperate.

No single set of thoughts greeted Cas now. Sam's mind was a kind of spinning vortex, each age of Sam audible, crying out for his brother, shouting over and over, "Dean! Where are you?" Dean stood, a shadow, in the calm centre of the vortex, as if he had been holding it together, but now lacked the substance to do that. His mother stood there too, more real, trying to still the chaos, but hindered by the fact that half of it was hidden from her.

Then Cas saw himself. He was the very image of a holy warrior, his armour bright and finely embossed and engraved. It seemed impervious, except over the heart, where there was a gap, a clear vulnerability. He held a sword and shield and with the sword, fought off both angels and demons, while his shield sheltered a child about fourteen years old. Arrows fired at him from all sides aimed for his one weakness, but he did not move his shield away from the frightened boy.

"Sam." he said quietly, not sure if Sam were the child or if that were merely a representation of Sam's own perceived weakness.

At his side, an adult Sam said, "Don't worry, Cas. This is my mind on a good day."

"That's worrying." said Cas.

"Well, you see how I see you. You protect us, even at the risk of your own existence. You are always with us, however bad things get."

"I could have stopped Dean saying yes to Michael."

"How?"

"By knocking him out." said Cas.

"Taking him out of the fight as Dean or Michael, condemning Jack and me to certain death and this world to destruction." said Sam.

They were on a battlefield. To the right were an army of fire and shadow, advancing slowly. To the left was a hill, with a small but strong-looking fortress.

"Oh Hell." said Sam.

"What is this?"

"A dream I have too often. We need to go."

A riderless black horse caparisoned in black and silver ran from the fortress and towards the advancing spears. Cas knew what it represented even before he saw the word "Chevrolet" embroidered on the rich caparison. It was a commander's steed. It was supposed to lead the forces of good into the fray.

Sam groaned. "We should have set up the kill switch. I didn't want you to see this."

"Why not?" said Cas.

No need for the walls to whisper here. Sam was committed to honesty. "Because I didn't want you to know this is in my head."

"I won't tell a soul, not Jack, not Jules, not Sarah. Let me see. Let me know what battles you are fighting alone."

"Okay, but outside here, never remind me of this." said Sam.

"Agreed." said Cas.

They watched the beautiful horse disappear into the battle, knowing it would die pointlessly. Then Sam gestured to the fortress and they headed that way.

The ground in front of the fortress was littered with corpses. Charlie, Cas recognised at once. Jessica, he had seen in photographs. He stopped at one he did not know. "Who ... "

"Sarah Blake." said Sam. He gestured to another and another, "Madison, Eileen ... "

On the hillside, in front of the fortress, Jules, Maggie, Sarah Kranz and Mary Winchester were standing.

"Why are they there?" said Cas, finding even the mental image of Jules hard to face.

"People I have to protect." said Sam.

"Three of them are hunters."

"So? Two have them have died already, because of me. Those corpses out there are the ones I couldn't get to safety. Sometimes, I have to carry them all up the hill."

"I suppose I should be glad not to be one of the ones on the hill that you have to save."

"You're usually in the fortress. Look, what's about to happen is no reflection on you."

"Why, what's about to happen?" said Cas.

One whole panel of the fortress suddenly flopped out of place. It was thin wood, painted to look like stone. Sam ran to it and pushed it back into position. Two more panels fell. Cas saw himself behind them, staring at a simple wooden cross stuck into the ground within the now unconvincing fortress. His image made no attempt to fix the falling panels. He ran to steady one.

"Why won't he help?" he said.

"He can't." said Sam, "He's listening. That grave ... it's ... "

"I know what it is." said Cas quickly, "You think I'm ever likely to forget? I watched him dig himself out of it." Once the panel was fixed in place, he went over to shake himself. "Wake up! Help Sam, you useless, stupid son of a bitch!"

"Cas," said Sam, "Don't. He can't hear you. He's listening to see if Dean is alive in there."

"Screw Dean!" said Cas, "Help Sam! Don't you know that's all Dean would care about?"

Another panel fell forward. Cas ran to support it. "Help me, you dumbass angel!" he shouted at himself. But he found he, too, was listening for any sound that suggested Dean was trying to free himself.

"You'd let Sam die. You'd let them all die." said Cas, "And for what? For the slight chance that what crawls out of that pit will still be Dean?"

Mind Cas looked at him for a moment, his eyes wild with grief. Sam went to the mental image and put a hand on his shoulder. "Ignore him, Cas. Keep listening. Keep hoping. Please don't give up!"

"I wish you'd just die!" said Cas to himself, "What good have you ever done in this world?"

Mind Cas ignored him and dropped onto the ground, his ear pressed to the densely packed soil. "I heard something!" he said.

"No, you didn't." said Cas, "You poor, stupid idiot!"

Sam knelt beside Mind Cas and started digging at the dirt with a large dagger.

"I heard nothing." said Cas, but he began digging with them, using his angel blade.

"Then why dig?" said Mind Cas, scrabbling at the dirt.

"In case I'm wrong." said Cas.

Another panel was falling.

"Go, fix it!" said Sam.

"But Dean ... "

"Dean's not there. He's never there!" said Sam.

Cas got the panel upright, but another fell. "We're going to die." he said.

Overhead, there was a cry and large birds appeared. Jack was riding one of them.

"What's that?" said Cas.

"Proof that I read The Lord of the Rings too often as a kid." said Sam, "The eagles. Eucatastrophe. A reason not to give up, even though I know Dean is dead and Michael isn't going to slip up and I can't protect any of the people I love."

Another panel fell and Sam pushed it back, using more of his strength than he seemed able to afford.

"You can't keep this up forever." said Cas, "This fake fortress cannot be held against the armies approaching."

"I know." said Sam.

"Then why keep trying to repair it?"

"Because I can't quit. It's the one thing Dean cannot forgive."

"Dean is dead." said Cas, the words like razor blades in his throat.

"But what if he's not? Anyway, I have the others to protect. I have a purpose. If I can keep them safe, I can live with myself, just. And I have to live for Mom. She lost Dean, her favourite. I'm all she has now."

"I've seen no favouritism." said Cas.

"How could anyone not prefer Dean?" said Sam, "Dean was the best Winchester who ever lived."

"There's nothing there." said Mind Cas, covered in dusty earth, his hands still scrabbling fruitlessly at the grave.

Sam gently stopped his hands and helped him to his feet. "It's okay, Cas. We'll find him."

"Is that how you see me?" said Cas, "Weak and unable to face reality?"

Sam left the devastated mental image and took Cas's arm. "No, Cas, he's stronger than I am. He refuses to give up on Dean, even without hope. The only thing driving him is love and I will be here for him for as long as he can bear to be around me."

"I thought you could hardly bear to be around me." said Cas.

"You think a lot of things that aren't true. It's an angel thing."

"Having seen how bad things are, I think we should stop for now. My mind is too dangerous a place."

"Having seen this, you think things can get worse?" said Sam.

"I'm not willing to take the risk."

"Can you honestly say that you can handle what's in there alone?" said Sam.

"I have until now."

"You had Dean before." said Sam, "And I just heard you tell yourself to die."

"I don't matter." said Cas, "You do."

"You agreed."

"You gave me little choice."

"And now, I'm giving you none. Or, if you prefer, I'll beg. Cas, I just gave you free access to all my crazy. You owe me the same."

"You're a lot crazier than I thought." said Cas.


	31. Chapter 31

As soon as the contact was broken, Sam said, "Do you understand now that I don't blame you?"

"Yes." said Cas, "I never deserved your friendship and I certainly don't now, but I am grateful for it."

"You both deserve everything good." said Sarah, "One day, I'll make you believe it. Do you want to talk about what happened?"

"No." said Cas, "There's nothing to discuss. I understand. Sam has never blamed me."

"Are you okay?" said Sam, aware that a lot had happened in that brief sharing of thoughts.

"Better than I was." said Cas, "I have been waiting for you to send me away."

"I will never do that." said Sam.

"No, I get that, now."

"And that's even if we don't get Dean back. Whatever happens. And I need you to promise not to run away. No good ever comes of you going off alone."

"Especially with your head full of irrational guilt." said Sarah.

"I have to stay." said Cas, "That fortress is a two-man job at least."

"I thought you might advise me to let it fall." said Sam.

"A bunkerful of people are relying on those walls." said Cas, "As long as they need to stand, I'll help to support them. Just remember that I don't need to believe in them."

"Not even a little?"

"I believe in you, Sam, walls or not."

"So, you've seen my fake fortress. Are you ready to show me how bad things really are for you?"

"As I said, maybe it's best to leave that for another time."

"I can take it." said Sam.

"Sam, I saw what you're already dealing with. You've made my situation a lot easier to handle. Let's be content with that."

"Why don't you trust me?" said Sam.

"It's not a matter of trust."

"I'm saying this won't harm me."

Cas looked into his eyes for an uncomfortably long time and then said, "May I have a few minutes?" He opened the car door.

"You promised not to run." Sam reminded him.

"Yes, so the question is, do you trust my word?"

"Take as much time as you need." said Sam, "But we need to do this. I need the truth. I need to know exactly what you're going through. I need to be able to help."

"And if it's not something you can help?" said Cas.

Sarah spoke from the back seat. "Just to tell someone else will help. The hardest part is being alone with the pain."

Cas turned to look at her, his eyes full of sympathy. "For you." he said, not unkindly, "I have always been alone."

"No." said Sam, "You had Dean. You have me. You have Jules and Sarah. You just need to stop hiding things from us."

"I'll be five minutes." said Cas and he left the car and walked off into the woods.

"You showed him more than you intended to, didn't you?" said Sarah.

"Yes." said Sam.

"How do you feel about that?"

"At first, I thought it was a bad idea, but in the end, it's a relief. At least there's one person I don't have to pretend to."

"And here's another." said Sarah, "I don't need to be protected. I've seen and heard it all and I can take it. Everything we said to Castiel is true for you too. You need to stop trying to handle it all alone."

"I just did that." said Sam.

"Good. Make sure you keep it up."

Sam looked in the direction Cas had gone. "Do you think we can trust him not to disappear?"

"Yes, we can. If he says five minutes, he'll be five minutes. Whether he'll go through with showing you, I can't say, but it's not that he doesn't trust you. His instinct is always to protect you."

"One of the ways he and Dean are most alike."

"You all do it." she said.

"Yeah. I sometimes wish you knew me less well." he said.

"Do you? I think Dean sometimes likes the fact he can be honest with me. I'll never use any of it to hurt or manipulate you."

"Thanks for always using the present tense. I'm struggling to hold onto that. I need to."

"Thanks for admitting you're struggling. Thanks for having the courage to do all of this for Castiel."

"It's more about being afraid of letting him fall into despair. I know we could easily lose him. Dean, our nephilim and now Cas." He smiled. "He really thinks I'm on the point of breaking."

"While we both know you broke years ago. There is a risk that this could be overwhelming for you. Castiel's fears aren't foolish, but I still think this is the right thing to do."

"Sooner or later, something is gonna mess me up. It's only a matter of time. If I'm gonna drown in all of this, it may as well be for Cas."

"Yes, sooner or later, something will and it won't be a bad thing."

"Could be bad timing, though. In fact, I don't think there's any timing that would be good. So if I can delay it, I will, for as long as I can. Does that sound weak?"

"Your problem has never been weakness." she said, "Winchester strength. But sometimes, real strength involves facing what you've been burying for years."

"I'm not sure I have that kind of strength."

"I know you do." she said.

"Well, we may be about to find out. And if we do and he freaks out, I need you to make sure he's okay."

"I'll make sure both of you are okay." she said.

"Thanks."

Sarah looked out of the window. "Here he comes now."

Cas walked to the car and got back in.

"Are you okay?" said Sam.

Cas said nothing.

"Castiel?" said Sarah.

Cas looked at her and then at Sam. "I still don't want to do this."

"No, I know."

"You're sure you do?"

"I'm sure we need to do this."

Cas nodded. "Okay. Sam, for what I'm about to inflict on you, I am truly sorry."


	32. Chapter 32

At first, Sam found Castiel's mind still and silent and dark. It felt as if nothing had happened in there for some time, but then he felt the strain Cas was under holding it all back. Even now, when he had promised to share it, he could not unleash it on Sam. For someone who had claimed to have no control, he was doing an impressive job of stopping the flood from inundating Sam's mind.

"It's okay, Cas. I can take it," said Sam.

"Even I can't take it." said Cas, somewhere in the darkness.

"Together, I think we can handle pretty much anything." said Sam.

Cas was now beside him. They looked at each other. "I'm trying." said Cas, "But something in my mind is resisting, because it knows this will destroy you."

"Lucifer couldn't destroy me."

"Sometimes, I think I am a lot more fallen than Lucifer."

Sam put his hand on Cas's shoulder. "Let it go, Cas. Whatever happens, I'm ready."

"We need a kill switch."

"No, because you'd use it right away. Let the storm come."

"Angelic levels of pain, fired at a human who is already at breaking point."

"Sarah thinks maybe I need to break."

"Sarah hasn't seen you broken. I couldn't save Dean. I can save you."

Sam turned the unresisting angel to face him. "Castiel, for my sake and for Dean's, do this now."

"Dean didn't stop for my sake." said Cas and with those words, the dam in his head crumbled and there was a howling cry of pain and loss. No visions came at first, then coloured fragments, sharp-edged and vivid of hue were swirling around them with a cold, crystalline sound.

Doubtless, each colour had a meaning to Cas, but Sam knew they represented all that he had believed in and trusted. His first fierce faith in God was shattered in that havoc and disarray. His trust in his brothers and sisters was now just shards of light, tumbling and crackling in the storm of loss. The blood red that represented Dean flew around, crying out in Dean's voice, but the words were indistinct.

There was a soft amethyst colour too and that felt like it represented Jules or maybe his hopes of a life with Jules, now as broken as every other hope he had ever clung to. Neither sound nor colour spoke the loudest there. Loudest was a feeling of certainty, that he was entitled to nothing, worthy of nothing and that anything he dared to want would be taken from him, each thing more cruelly than the last, until wanting something itself became torture, the anticipation of the loss unbearable.

Then he became aware of a slight, harmonious metallic sound and around Castiel's embattled heart, there was a spinning silver band. The music coming from it overlaid a whispering voice, "I don't blame you." It was the only soothing or positive thing in the whole mess. It seemed to be the only thing Cas had left to believe in.

"Jules loves you." Sam said.

"I know." said Cas and the discordant crystal sounds became louder.

"She's at the farm. She would welcome you any time."

The sounds became shrieks and screams of pain. Mentioning Jules had clearly been a mistake.

Suddenly, a loud, authoritative voice said, "It is not for angels to decide the end point of their lives. You exist to serve Heaven. Until Heaven decides your sacrifice is needed, you have no right to depart."

Cas laughed, a bitter, joyless sound.

"Cas, what is that?" said Sam.

"Heaven hates me. I am not allowed to live, to be. Yet I am forbidden to choose destruction, except in the service of Heaven."

"So you haven't killed yourself because you're programmed not to?"

"So you can stop worrying that I will."

"Yeah, because you've never broken your programming before." said Sam.

"This is very fundamental programming."

"So was the whole thing about not doubting." said Sam.

"I can't have any of the things that would make life endurable, love, friendship, hope, trust ... and I can't ever end this."

"You can have anything you want. You have my friendship forever. Sarah loves you. Jack idolises you."

"And that's working out perfectly for him." said Cas.

"Nobody has the right to tell you that you can't have anything." said Sam, "Screw programming, screw destiny. We make our own rules and I will fight to the death to get you what you deserve."

Cas grabbed his arm. "Sam, never, ever do anything that could end with me getting what I deserve. I broke Heaven and tainted Earth and I only didn't mess up Hell because nobody ever trusted me with that."

"Do you wanna claim you did something to Purgatory too? Maybe you were to blame for the Cuban Missile Crisis. Honestly, Cas, you make Dean's guilt seem almost rational."

"Letting her fall in love with me ... That may be the worst thing I ever did. Well, one of the worst things. There's Jimmy and Claire and Charlie and Balthazar and Samandriel and ... "

"Cas, stop it."

"I could make her forget me."

"And that would instantly become the worse thing you ever did." said Sam.

"How did I ever think I could be with a human? Sometimes, I forget what I am. I wish I could forget forever."

"You don't mean that. You tried being human and you didn't like it."

"True. But Jules can't love an angel."

"Jules does love an angel. We all do. Dean ... "

Now, all sounds were drowned out by more howling cries. Cas dropped to the ground, no hope in his eyes at all. The silver band around his heart was gone. Even the coloured shards had faded into darkness.

Sam knew he could do nothing. He could not replace Dean or convince Cas Dean would return. There was nothing he could say or do and seeing Cas so lost and unreachable reminded him of everyone else he had failed to protect, everyone whose hope or happiness or life had been extinguished because he was not Dean and never could be.

"You son of a bitch!" he said, "You did this to him! You did this to all of us! You knew I wasn't strong enough to do this alone. You knew." He knew he was being unfair in blaming Dean. He hated himself that the words were in his head and more that he let himself say them.

He fell to the ground beside Cas as a lifetime of regret and pain and fear overpowered him. "I needed you!" he said, "I need you now!" He closed his eyes, his own mind now filled with screaming.

Arguments with his father, fights with Dean, trying to make them both understand that he wanted to lead his own life, not wreck theirs. He remembered Jessica burning on the ceiling, months of nightmares, engraving every detail into his memory and torturing him with it. All the tortures of Hell remained vivid, but they were not as bad as the torture of his guilt for every person he had failed to save and every lie he had told his brother.

His brother was gone and there was little chance he would return ... even less that he would still be Dean. His mother wanted to help, but protecting her was pretty much the only thing he had left. The one thing Dean would have wanted was for him to take care of those Dean could no longer protect and he could not even offer reassurance to Cas or stop him from hating his empty, miserable life.

"I can't do this!" he shouted, "I never could!"

"Sam!" said Cas and then, barely audible, "I knew you couldn't take this. We need to shut this down, now!"


	33. Chapter 33

At first, Sam was too immersed in his own misery to understand what was happening, but gradually, he came to realise that he was in the driver's seat of the Impala and Cas's hand had moved from his face to his shoulder. Both Cas and Sarah were talking to him, but their words meant nothing. His head was filled with pain old and new and guilt and a terrible rage. He struggled to push the emotions away and focus on their voices.

"I broke another Winchester." said Cas.

"No." said Sam, in a voice even he could hardly hear.

"Sam, my dear, can you hear me?" said Sarah.

He tried to nod, but his mind chose that moment to run a show reel of some of Dean's deaths and he was paralysed by it.

"Now do you see why I should never be allowed near any of them?" said Cas, "I am the Winchester Curse."

Sam tried to speak ... to argue. He shuddered instead. m He was trapped in loop after loop of horrors from his past and under it all, that anger. His fury was uncontrollable and almost inhuman and, to his shame, it all seemed aimed at Dean. He hated Dean. He was suddenly glad that he could not summon enough voice to admit that.

Cas gripped his shoulder. "Sam!"

Sarah put her hand over Castiel's and gently pulled it away. "Castiel, we've talked about this before. Protecting someone by helping them to bury bad feelings for later is not protecting them at all. Don't try to bring him out of this. Help him go through it."

"I'm the reason this happened." said Cas.

"The catalyst, not the cause." said Sarah.

"That's not even a distinction."

Sam turned to look at Sarah. She brushed the hair out of his eyes and said, "There you are!"

"Just give me a second." he said.

"To push it all back down?" she said.

"Yeah."

She stroked his cheek with maternal tenderness. "Talk instead. What are you feeling?"

"But Cas ... "

"Cas was a little spooked by what happened. Deep down, he knows this isn't a disaster, don't you, Castiel?"

"Sarah assures me this is not a disaster." said Cas.

"As we're here for Cas and he's clearly distressed ... "

"I'm here for both of you and this is important." said Sarah. Her hand now rested on his shoulder. "I'll admit, I hoped we would do this in my parlour on some quiet afternoon, but here we are and here it is. It may be time to face some demons."

"Well, I'd prefer that to this." said Sam.

"Uh, Sam, I think Sarah was employing a metaphor." said Cas.

Sam closed his eyes. He tried to focus on pulling out of the turmoil in his head.

"Sam," said Sarah, "I know this is hard, but don't waste this opportunity. All of this needs to be dealt with and it will keep coming back up unless you do."

"You don't understand." said Sam.

"Then educate me, because I want to understand it all. Open your eyes, Sam."

He did and she smiled at him. "It's just the three of us here. Nobody to protect ... "

He could not stop himself from glancing at Cas.

"Angel." said Cas firmly.

"Nobody to impress." said Sarah.

"What if I told you that most of what I'm feeling right now is a violent, insane, unreasoning anger?" he said.

"Well done!" she said.

"Anger at Dean." he said, waiting for either or both to protest.

"I get that a lot too." said Cas.

"Yes." said Sarah, "Even though I know he made the only choice he believed he could make and even though that choice was probably the best one for everyone, I still want to slap him for what he did."

"I wanna kill him." said Sam, "Which is crazy."

"If you saw him now, would you hug him or hurt him?" she asked.

"Even bet." he said. He looked at both of them. Neither seemed eager to condemn him. "All my life, Dean did everything for me. I let him down time and time again and he forgave me and kept on being my brother. He did this to save me and instead of gratitude, all I have is rage."

"You've been fighting your whole life. Warriors tend to find anger easier than other emotions." she said.

"Dean does." said Sam.

"Yes, he does." said Cas.

"And you've always hidden so much, from him, from your father and from yourself, being strong for the family. It's a hard habit to break."

"Impossible." he admitted, "And it doesn't feel much like strength."

"Tell me why you're angry." she said.

"Because I'm a jerk." he said.

"Sam ... " she said.

"Because he left me. He ditched me. He promised he wouldn't say yes to Michael and he didn't hesitate. Again and again he sacrificed everything for me. He gave up everything for me. He never had a life of his own. He never even tried. When I tried to give my life for his, he fought it so hard. He went to Hell for me. You know, if I'd never been born, he would have had a life. A safe, normal life."

"I doubt that." said Cas, "He was the son of a hunter. Her legacy would always have brought him to that path. He was Michael's vessel. Without you, he might not have been able to say no to our Michael."

"And if he hadn't been a hunter," said Sarah, "Then all the people you and he saved would have died. Think of all the lives that would have been ruined."

"I know." said Sam, "But he deserved better."

"I think Dean would take all of that again to have you as his brother." said Sarah, "He and I have talked a lot. I know how he feels about you."

"Do you think he knows how I feel about him?" said Sam, "Not the anger ... "

"His whole life is about how you feel about him." she said, "You've always been the most loving, supportive presence in his life."

"Not true. I ran away to college."

"And when he needed someone to fight beside him, he went there to find you, because he knew you'd do it. He believes in you, Sam."

Tears fogged his eyes. He thought of all the times he had fallen short of Dean's expectations, disappointed him, disrespected him, hurt him with words whose wounding power he had known. "I never deserved that." he said. A tear fell down his cheek. He lowered his eyes, unable to look at either of them. "I'm sorry." he said.

"For being human?" said Sarah.

"Yeah. The only human Winchester. The weak link." More tears fell and he felt as if some of them had been brewing a long time. All those long nights in motel rooms as a kid, trying not to let his dad or Dean know how flawed and frightened he was, all those shouting matches when angry words were easier than confessions of weakness. He wiped the tears from his eyes, more forming all the time. He had never felt less like a Winchester.

He was afraid to look up. "I'm sorry." he said again.

"What can we do?" said Cas.

"Nothing. Nothing. Nothing." said Sam, "Just never tell anyone."

"Never." said Cas.

"I'm so proud of both of you." said Sarah.

Sam thought of his brother, ridden by a rogue archangel, alone and helpless, needing his help and out of his reach. He bowed his head and sobbed, unable to stop or slow the flood of tears.


	34. Chapter 34

Sam didn't know how long he had been crying, but his shoulders ached and his stomach hurt. His two companions had said nothing as he cried. When he looked up, Cas was regarding him with worried eyes and Sarah was offering a reassuring smile. He tried to smile back. He tried to remember what normal looked like. He couldn't. When he spoke, his voice was weak and rasping. "I'm sorry." he said, "I guess I couldn't take it after all." He felt about eight years old as he added, "I just want him back."

"We all do." said Cas.

"Cas, I'm so sorry." said Sam.

"Stop apologising. I caused this." said Cas.

"Here I am, wallowing in my personal grief when you've lost everything."

"Not everything. I have you. I have Sarah. I have Jack." His usually strong voice shook a little, as if he too were holding back tears. Sam heard the omission. He did not consider Jules his anymore.

"Just give me a minute to get myself together." said Sam, "I need to ... "

"Maybe we should take a walk." said Sarah.

Sam was about to agree, but his legs felt stiff and cramped and he wasn't sure he could walk far. Memories were rising from the deep pits where he had buried them.

He remembered fights with his father, when he had tried to goad Dean into picking a side, wanting him, just once, to side with him. At the time, he had not understood what he was asking, but now he saw all too clearly how he had hurt his brother.

He remembered times when exhaustion or despair or guilt or siren venom had made him say terrible things, some meant, some not meant, all cruel barbs to hurt a brother who had gone to Hell for him.

"Sam?" said Sarah.

Sam looked at Cas, remembering the pain he had witnessed. He had not seen it all, he knew. Just a taste of it had been too much for a human. He remembered the shattered shards of Cas's former faiths. "What colour represented your faith in yourself, Cas?" he said.

Cas looked at him blankly. "What do you mean?"

"In your mind ... the broken shards of light." He stopped talking, knowing the answer and the explanation for Cas's confusion. Eventually, he said, "You never had any, did you? And we never helped you find any."

"Sam ... " Cas began, but Sarah silenced him with a hand on his arm.

"You lost everything, because of us." said Sam, "And you're still here, trying to help and giving up whatever you have left."

"You are what I have left." said Cas, "And in truth, you're all I ever had. Without you and Dean, what am I? What was I before I met you?"

"An angel of the Lord." said Sam.

"The unthinking sword of a god who didn't care ... about anything. I did lose everything when I chose you over Heaven, Sam. I lost everything I thought I had, which was nothing. You breathed life into dead marble. You taught me what mattered and what didn't. You took every piece of certainty I had and you obliterated it."

"I know we did."

"And I lived for the first time. The command that Lucifer disobeyed, I had embraced, but I had never understood the reason for it until I touched the excruciating questioning and passionate, wilful wildness of humanity. The rebel souls that took nothing on trust, yet could be trusted to the end. Even your blasphemy is beautiful. Even your idolatry glorifies Heaven. I tried to make the angels see, but I failed."

"They failed to understand." said Sam.

"I failed to make them understand." said Cas.

"You want to die. I saw that. That's on us."

"No, it really isn't. I have always been weak. Life without Dean ... without Jules ... " His voice failed.

"It's not weakness to love." said Sam. Unaccountably, his mind flashed back to the moment when he found his father on the floor of the hospital. If that sacrifice had not been made, he would have lost Dean then. It didn't make the loss easier to bear. What it had done was to prove that their father had not lost sight of his sons in his quest for revenge. That death had not been strategic, but an absolute surrender. John Winchester had accepted Hell to spare Dean's life. Whatever mistakes he had made, they were all erased in that moment.

It also made Sam more angry with Dean over his own sacrifices. Their father had died for him to live and for that reason, if no other, his life should have mattered to him, but it meant nothing. He greeted opportunities to die with an almost gleeful attitude and he had known Michael might not keep his promise and he hadn't cared, because his life was worth only what other lives it could buy. "Dean doesn't care!" he said bitterly, knowing he must sound insane.

"Dean cares with all his heart." said Sarah.

"For everyone but himself." said Sam.

"Specifically, for you two." she said.

"Yeah and look what that's done for us!" said Sam.

"I think it's clear we should prevent a mindlink from forming at all costs." said Cas.

"I disagree." said Sarah, "Castiel, you've been working so hard to keep your suffering hidden. Now, you can be honest with Sam."

"My honesty got him into this condition." said Cas.

"Yes and for the first time in years, he's handling things that have been bothering him for a lifetime."

"Handling them badly." said Cas. He looked at Sam and said, "Sorry. Honesty." He turned back to Sarah. "You think this is good for Sam?"

"Yes, I do and which of us knows more about humans and trauma?" she said.

"The pain he's going through right now ... "

"Was always there, eating away at his soul. And now, he's expressed some of it, even his anger with Dean and we didn't hate him for it. So next time, he may open up a little more."

Sam looked at his watch. "We have to get back. There might be news of Dean. I'd better pull myself together."

Sarah looked into his eyes and said, "Sam, what happened here was good. It was necessary."

He nodded. "Not fun, but necessary." he said, "I wanna thank both of you for ... well, for being here ... for being you. Everyone else needs me to be strong and calm and unbreakable and only the two of you can let me be weak and dumb and confused."

"You are none of those things." said Sarah.

"When we get back to the bunker ... "

"I know. Walls up, mask on." she said, "Which is why I think you and Castiel both need a place where you can be honest. I think Castiel may even die without it. He is so alone these days." She looked sternly at Cas, "Partly by choice, but it's bad for him."

"Okay, but we can't do that now. Maybe we can meet tonight, Cas and see what happens. But we fit a kill switch and either of us can use it at any time, without need for explanation."

"Yes." said Cas.

Sam saw a question in his eyes and said, "Letting me in is not replacing Dean. It's giving us both a place where we can talk honestly about how useless we are without him."


	35. Chapter 35

Sam went for a walk in the trees to clear his head. When he looked back at the Impala, he could see Cas and Sarah talking. He needed to talk to Cas about Jules, to make him see that she was a part of his life. He needed her more now than before and yet he was staying away from her, protecting her from his darkness when she was the one person who could help him find a glimmer of light.

He had known Cas thought of self-destruction, but he had not seen before how little he had left of hope and faith. It was strange and wrong to see so powerful a being so helpless and afraid. It was agony to know that all their years of friendship had not made him more resilient, only more damaged.

He wasn't happy about them seeing him fall apart like that. He'd been trying all his life to keep his feelings under control and now, none of them needed this distraction. Well, okay, he needed it. Sarah had been right. Things had built up and when Dean had disappeared from his life and he no longer had his big brother to keep him grounded or to let him unleash his feelings in bursts of irritation and anger, the pressure had become too much. If it had to find release, better it should be in front of Sarah and Cas, who knew it was there anyway and who didn't judge him unkindly for letting it get to him.

It still felt like a waste of time, indulging his trauma when Dean was trapped in his own body, controlled by Michael, whom he hated. Cas had been right that Purgatory still haunted him. His guilt at having abandoned Dean to his fate then made this guilt worse.

The meltdown had not made things better, in many ways, he felt worse, but it had at least shaken him out of the inertia that had taken over since he had lost Dean. That moment of impact, frozen forever, had now at least started to move.

He heard the familiar creak of the car door opening and the sound of it closing again. He turned to see Cas coming towards him, slowly and cautiously, as if stalking a deer. He turned away for a moment, just to compose himself and then turned back and said, "It's fine. We can talk."

"If you want me to drive on the way home ... " said Cas.

Sam automatically wanted to say no, but it made sense to let the calmer one drive. It also seemed like a good idea to make Cas feel trusted and useful. "Yeah, that would be good." he said.

"Really?" said Cas.

"Yeah. It makes sense." Sam walked on, Cas falling into step beside him. "How do you feel about meeting tonight and trying to arrange that link? Unless, of course, you plan to go home tonight and spend some time with Jules."

"No, I don't." said Cas, "It wouldn't be right."

"I know you don't wanna talk about this ... "

"No."

"But I think we have to, because this is part of all the self-destructive stuff you've been doing. Cutting yourself off from the farm ... from people who love you ... "

"Sam, you touched my mind for moments and it crushed you. I need to be away from people, especially the ones who love me and the ones whom I love."

"Do you think she's not hurt by your pain because you push her away?" said Sam.

"Everything I do hurts her. I know that. This hurts her least."

"Are you sure about that?"

There was a long, awkward silence before Cas said, "I'm not sure of anything."

"At least call her. Talk to her. You have someone who loves you. Don't just abandon her."

"Is that what you think I'm doing?" said Cas, "Is that what you think she thinks I'm doing?"

"What do you think you're doing?"

"I wish you'd stop asking me things like that." said Cas.

"You don't know, do you?" said Sam.

"If Dean were here ... "

"He wouldn't let you give up on her."

"But he's not here and you've seen how worthless I am without him. I can't lay this wreckage at her feet and ask her to love it."

"She loves you."

"And then there's the angel thing. She says it's not an issue, but Bobby told me she was a prisoner of the angels and they were sick and sadistic. They made the prisoners play Russian roulette. She fired every chamber into her own head to save someone else. That kind of thing doesn't slip your mind later."

"That's why you think she can't love an angel?"

"After Lucifer, Michael and Gabriel, how do you feel about archangels?" said Cas.

"I'll admit, I'm not a fan, but Gabriel did change and you are not the Castiel from her world."

"Do you think she knew him? Does she look at me and see him?"

"You could ask her." said Sam.

"I don't have much left to lose, but if I have to see the love die in her eyes, I don't know how I go on after that."

"I've seen how she looks at you. She loves to spend time with you. She'll spend hours in dusty archives with you."

"She loves books."

"Nobody loves books that much." said Sam, "She puts up with all your weird crap and your confusion and your strange panics over nothing. I say that's love. And love like that doesn't just die. You could stake it in its coffin and it would still come back to haunt you."

"Just the way she says my name ... " said Cas, "An absolution for all my sins, a balm to all my wounds. When I can hardly bear to have that name ... the name that sundered Heaven and Earth ... she speaks it and I feel forgiven, wanted, safe."

Sam looked at him, hearing the longing in his voice and the fear of losing what he had with her. In his eyes, there was a little hope. Just thinking of her and how much she loved him gave him strength, but that only added to his fear. If he lost her, he would lose that and his past promised only loss for the future. Sam could understand why it might seem easier just to give up and lose her now, but he also knew that it would be a disastrous mistake.

"I get it." said Sam, "It's natural to be scared. I would be too."

"I never know whether fear or love is the greater weakness."

"Love is never a weakness." said Sam.

"I have no idea what I should do, for my sake or for hers."

"Then talk to her. Ask her. Let her help you to work it out."

"I'm not me without Dean. How can she and I be together if I'm not even me?"

"The lack of Dean is temporary."

"You don't always seem sure of that." said Cas.

"No, well, I lack faith sometimes. I'm human."

"I lack that excuse."

"You're a lot more human than you think." said Sam.

"Maybe I should cut out my grace as Anna did and become fully human."

"Jules loves you as you are."

"How?" said Cas.

"You're talking to someone who loves you as a brother."

"After all she's been through ... "

"She loves you."

Cas looked back at the car. "Maybe you should drive after all. My hands are shaking."

"Okay. I feel a lot more stable now."

"But it means a lot that you were willing to let me."

"I mean it, Cas. You're my brother. Nothing will ever change that."


	36. Chapter 36

Jack was in the library, using Sam's laptop to look for signs of celestial activity. He wanted to be useful and finding Dean, or any clue as to where to start looking, would be a good contribution.

Maggie came in and put a cup of coffee in front of him. "Mary thought you might need this."

"Thanks, Maggie." he said.

She sat opposite him. "Anything on Dean?"

"Nothing yet." he said.

They said nothing for some time, then she ventured, "It must be weird for you, without your powers."

"It is." he said, "If I still had them, I could be out there now, hunting Michael."

"Are you okay? I mean, do you feel weak?"

"Just tired, really, all the time. I never really needed rest before. I slept recreationally more than anything else. Dreams were my Netflix."

"And now you have the same needs as any human." she said.

"If anything, I need rest more than humans do. Sam can go for days without sleep. I take naps during the day."

"Sam is no ordinary human." she said.

"No, that's true, but I'm not either, just in the other direction."

"Are you afraid?" she said.

"Not of my weakness. If I die, I die. I'm not afraid of death. I'm only afraid of what my weakness will do to the people around me, people I used to be able to protect. And I'm afraid my grace may never come back. I may never again be the weapon they need. I owe Sam and Dean so much. I owe Castiel everything. I don't want to be just a burden to them, a helpless kid they have to look after."

"Listen, Jack, there are a lot of very human hunters here and all of us manage to be useful."

"Yes, you do. I mean no disrespect to humans. My mother was one and she was stronger than I ever was, even with all my powers intact. It's just that they need a nephilim. If I hadn't let my father take my grace, Dean would still be here and Michael would be charcoal."

"Don't be too hard on yourself. Lucifer manipulates everyone."

"Except Sam. Sam has always fought him. Sam let me make my own judgement about him, even though he knew what he was. Sam trusted me and I screwed up."

"Sam says he's screwed up more than anyone." she said. She looked uncomfortable.

"What?" he said.

"Do you know where Sam is? I don't feel as safe when he's not here."

"He went out with Castiel." said Jack, "I know they won't be longer than they need to be. They know we need them and we need to find Dean or Michael. Save one, kill the other. We hope. But you don't need to be afraid. We have Bobby. We have Mary."

"I know. They're both great. It's just that they're not Sam Winchester. With Dean gone, Sam is our best hope. Are they going into danger?"

"No. Routine stuff." said Jack. He looked at a report on unseasonal storms and then dismissed it. Michael was not going to mess around with minor meteorological marvels. His head was starting to ache. He rubbed at his temple.

"Are you okay?" she asked him again.

"Headache." he said, "I never knew humanity involved so many small pains."

"I think it can seem that way." she said, but her eyes seemed full of worry.

"I'm okay." he said, "Just getting used to not being a celestial anymore. Stuff you all take for granted, comes as a shock to me. It gets to me more than it should. When Sam gets home, he'll laugh at me."

"You look pale." she said.

He sipped his coffee. "I'll be fine. Just too little sleep, I think."

"Do you want me to get Mary?"

He smiled. "I'm supposed to be looking after her, not giving her more to worry about. The coffee's helping already." He sat up straighter, anxious to allay her fears. He decided to guide her onto another subject. "How are you feeling?" he said, "You went through something far worse than my loss of grace."

"I'm okay, I think." she said, "I get flashbacks. I get scared. I'll get over it. Thanks to you, I'm alive."

"If I'd known he could do a thing like that, I'd have killed him myself." he said.

"You're not to blame for what he did." she said, "You know nobody even thinks of you as his son, don't you? To us, you're just a supercharged Winchester."

"Thanks. Not so supercharged now, though."

"Still intelligent. Still trustworthy. Still a Winchester." she said, "Nothing about you is like him."

"I'm glad you feel that way." he said, "I'd understand if you hated me."

She smiled. "You're a little difficult to hate, Jack. We know what you lost for standing up to him. You could have been killed. You had an easy way out, to side with him and share power. For most people, that would have been tempting. I don't think it crossed your mind. You saw what he was and you rejected him, knowing it was dangerous."

"Not as dangerous as trusting him. When I knew what he did to you, I knew he was not capable of anything good. I knew someone able to do that to someone so innocent and good and decent couldn't feel love for me or anyone else. I hate that he was my father. I hope there is nothing of him in me. I'm glad he's dead. I just wish I'd killed him sooner."

"You have three better fathers." she said.

"I do." he said, "I'm very lucky."

"And, if you need one, I'd be a great sister."

He grinned. "You are." he said. His phone buzzed. He read the text from Sam. "Sam, Castiel and Sarah are on their way back." he said.

"Good." she said, "I know it seems stupid ... "

"That you're nervous, with a crazed archangel knowing our address, with your temporary death so recent? It makes sense, but Sam and I won't let anything happen to you."

"I know." she said, "Really, I know. I just get scared sometimes."

"We all do, sometimes." he said, hoping she couldn't tell how much he had needed that text.


	37. Chapter 37

The journey home was a little subdued. Sarah tried to hint a few times to Cas that he might want to go home with her, but however she phrased it, he responded with a firm, "No." He might have become angry, had Sam tried to persuade him, but with Sarah, he remained patient, but intransigent. He was not ready to discuss or consider a return to the farm.

Sam noticed that Sarah made no attempt to persuade him of anything. Her attention was on Cas and there were two possible reasons for that. Either she saw Sam as less in need of her guidance or she considered him too fragile. He didn't want to know which.

"Will you be heading straight home as soon as we get to the bunker?" he asked her.

"That depends on you two." she said, "If you want me to stick around to watch over you tonight when you try opening the link, I can, but if you don't need me, I should get back to Jules. She needs a friend."

"I'm sorry." said Cas.

"You can't help the way you feel." said Sarah, "But I want you to call her. You owe her that."

"I don't think it will help her." he said.

Sarah met Sam's gaze in the mirror and shook her head. He smiled at her. She was right. Cas needed Jules, Jules needed Cas and one phone call might just make Cas understand that.

"Just call her tonight." said Sarah.

"Yes." he said, the first affirmative answer of the journey.

"Do you need me around?" she asked them both.

"I think we'll be fine." said Sam, "Like you said, Jules needs you and I'm sure Cas wants you to be with her. I know he worries about her."

Cas shot him a look edged with resentment, or maybe just pain.

"You'll feel better, knowing Jules isn't alone, right, Cas?"

Cas said nothing. He turned and stared out of the window.

"That's a yes." said Sam to Sarah.

"Well, if you don't need me, I'll just talk to your mother for a while and then go home."

"Why talk to Mom?" said Sam, suddenly anxious. He noticed a slight smile on Castiel's lips.

"Not to tell any tales." she said, "I just know she's missing Dean and maybe she could use a friend too."

"Oh. Okay. Sorry. Paranoid." said Sam.

"I know. What happened today stays between us, as far as I'm concerned."

"Thanks."

"I'll send Jules tomorrow to pick up Jack. He needs a few hours away from all the pressure."

They drove on in silence and were soon back at the bunker. Sarah went in search of Mary, Cas to check on Jack. Sam stayed in the Impala for a while to make a call.

"Sam!" said Jody, "Any news on Dean?"

"No." he said, hating to disappoint her, "But we're all working on it."

"I didn't mean to suggest you weren't. How are you doing, kiddo?"

"Well, if I'm honest, not great, but I'll be okay. Jody, I need a favour."

"You know you don't even need to ask." she said, "Just tell me what you need and it's done."

"We plan to get Dean back and I have no intention of dying, but good intentions don't always work out and plans can fail. It's possible neither of us will survive this fight."

"Don't say that, Sam. You've won bigger ones."

He smiled to himself. Jody always made him feel better. "That's why I love you so much." he said, "Point is, I have a bunch of hunters working together for the first time and they need a leader. There needs to be a clear and obvious succession if things go wrong. I'm asking if you'll step up, if the need arises."

"Whoa. Sam, I'm flattered, but I don't think I'm the one you need. Isn't Bobby the obvious choice?"

"Bobby isn't even from this world. He's a good hunter, a good soldier, but not as comfortable with this world as you are and not as great with people. You're my choice and I know you would be Dean's."

"What about Mary?" she said.

"She's been through enough. I'm not saying you haven't, but if we both fall in battle, I think she'll struggle to lead the others."

"I've never considered myself a leader."

"Dean and I never felt like leaders either. You've been organising the girls for some time, very successfully."

"It's more trying to keep them alive as they run around doing exactly what they like."

"Perfect training for taking on this lot." he said.

"If I say yes, you are not to take that as permission to die, because if you die, I will kill you."

"Like I said, no plans to die. It's just a contingency thing. These people are my responsibility. I need to know they'll have someone."

"You know I'll do whatever you need me to, Sam. However, if this is your way of stopping me from giving up, you don't need to do that. I'm not the crumbling type. The girls need me."

"It's not a manipulation, I promise. That's precisely why I picked you, Jody. You're indestructible. You get hurt in every fight and still keep on swinging. I believe in you. I always have."

"Whatever happens, I'm here. Whatever happens, I'll continue the fight. But if there's a choice, I wanna do it with you and Dean beside me."

"We all want that." he said.

"So, before you die or don't, what can I do for you now? I've got everyone looking for Dean or for any angel signs. Anything else I can help you with? I'm a good listener."

"Yeah, but I'm not a great talker. I'm going with repression and sublimation."

"Bullets and booze? The Winchester way?"

"Pretty much. But I'm okay. I have someone I can talk to."

"Castiel?"

"Yeah."

"How's he doing?" she said.

"Missing Dean, like we all are. How's Claire?"

"Weirdly Winchesterish in her coping strategies. More bullets, less booze, but she doesn't talk much. The search for Dean is good for her. It's given her a focus. I don't mean it's a good thing. Just good for her, right now, to have something outside herself to think about."

"Jack's the same. I try to keep him thinking about Dean and Cas so he can feel useful. Losing his powers has been hard on him."

"We need to introduce those two. I mean, they're more or less brother and sister. I think they could be very good for each other."

"Yeah, someday we must get you all to the bunker. I'd better go. I just wanted to know I had you in place to take over."

"I won't feel offended if you later decide on someone else."

"I won't do that." he said.

"Sam, before I go, I want you to know that I think the lack of activity from Michael is a good sign. I think it means Dean is kicking his ass."

"I hope you're right."

"I'm always right. You ask Claire. Take care of yourself, Sam. There is no better leader than you."

"Dean is a better leader than me."

"I said what I said." she insisted.


	38. Chapter 38

  
Cas watched Jack working on the laptop, easily clicking from one news report to another, cross referencing traffic cams and other esoteric sources of information that meant little to an angel of little technical knowledge.

"Nothing again." said Jack.

"When Michael acts, you'll find him." said Cas. There was nothing his kid could not do.

Jack flashed him a quick, uncertain smile. "How did your drive with Sam and Sarah go?" he said.

"Well. It went well." said Cas, "Better than I thought it would."

"So now you understand that nobody blames you but you?" said Jack.

"Yes." said Cas, "Although that doesn't mean I am not to blame."

"It really does." said Jack.

"And we don't know what Dean thinks, or thought."

"Thinks." said Jack.

"It is a relief, though, to know that Sam doesn't hate me. I thought he wanted me gone as soon as we have Dean back. When he couldn't bear to look at me ... "

"He couldn't bear to see you in pain. Neither can I, Castiel."

"I felt as if I were about to lose the only family I have ever known." said Cas, "Before the Winchesters, I didn't know what family was."

"So now you feel better?" said Jack.

"Less alone, anyway." said Cas. He looked into his son's worried eyes. "I would never have given up. Even if it meant exile, I would have been out there somewhere, in case you needed me."

"Unless you could convince yourself I was safe with Sam and Dean." said Jack, "I know how your mind works. I know you've been considering a lot of bad ideas. Jules is scared too. She knows you're isolating yourself deliberately."

"Well, you can both stop worrying about me now. Sam doesn't just consider me blameless. He loves me. He's not tolerating my presence here. He's afraid I will leave ... afraid for me and for him. So you can forget about all your fears for me. I'm going nowhere."

"That's likely to be difficult." said Jack, "You're pretty important to me. And whatever you say, I know there's a part of you that always feels alone because you won't let yourself believe you're worthy of love."

"Fortunately, worth doesn't always come into it." said Cas. He understood Jack's doubts. Jack was right. It would always be hard for him to believe he could be loved, but he was and he had seen it. He had seen Sam's tenderness towards the defeated, desperate Castiel in his head and he had seen how quickly that kindness had been turned on him, the real Castiel. Jack had no idea how deeply a Winchester could love the most unworthy object of affection. Jack had no idea how strongly Cas could cling to the smallest sign that he mattered to someone.

"I'd ask you to promise not to leave, but I can't, because you can't make that promise, can you?"

"I can promise I will never want to leave." said Cas.

"And if you made any other promise to stay and broke it, you'd hate yourself even more."

"Yes." said Cas. Sometimes, Jack had an instinct for the deepest thoughts and feelings of others. There were times when Cas could clearly see Sam's effect on the boy. "Jack, I want to stay with you. I will always want to be close to you. And I also want you to stay close to the Winchesters. Until I met them, I had no idea what love and compassion were. I didn't understand humanity well at all. That's why you need them. You can learn from them all the things I never knew until now ... when maybe it's too late."

"Too late?" said Jack, "For you and Jules?"

"For all of us." said Cas.

"Because, if you'd just talk to her ... "

"She's coming to pick you up tomorrow."

"Yes, I know." said Jack.

"I won't be here."

"Where will you be?"

"Somewhere else." said Cas.

"She'll know you're avoiding her. She's not stupid."

"It's not her I'm avoiding. It's the situation. Yesterday was awkward for both of us. She doesn't want a repeat of that any more than I do."

"So, what? You just keep avoiding her until she gives up on you forever?"

"That might be best."

"No."

"However, it's not the plan. I'll call her tonight. Sam wants me to."

"Why not just take a thirty minute drive and see her face to face?" said Jack.

"I can't. Sam and I have other matters to attend to tonight."

"And that's the reason?"

Cas struggled for a moment with an urge to tell a lie that would never be convincing and then gave in and told the truth. "No, that's the excuse, but it'll have to be enough for now."

"I don't get why you're doing this. I've seen you attack Michael, knowing he could kill you with a thought. In battle, you don't know what fear is."

"You're wrong. I am terrified every time. Since my life became worth living, losing it is a constant fear."

"But you overcome that fear, every time. The only fear that controls you is the fear of happiness."

"Have you been talking to Sarah?" said Cas.

"I'll be talking to her tomorrow. Do you want me to ask her what she thinks about all this?"

"You're going to anyway, aren't you?"

"When you're with Jules, you're happy ... happier than I've ever seen you. When you're apart, you're a mess."

"With Dean gone, I'm a mess, with or without Jules."

"Only because you won't let her take care of you. She could, you know. We all could. We could be there for you the way you're always there for us. Is it angelic pride or angelic shame that keeps you from letting us?" Jack looked so hurt and Cas hated to be the cause of such pain.

"Jack, I know I have a family that love me and want to help, but I don't know how to let them. I don't know how to be helped. I don't know how to be loved. And I'm afraid that if I try, I'll get it wrong and they'll regret ever caring about me and I will be more alone than ever. And you can't understand that and I'm glad you can't and I hope you never do."

"Thankyou." said Jack.

"For what?"

"For the truth."

"Lying might have been better for both of us, but lying to you feels wrong. It's worse than lying to myself."

"You're fine with lying to yourself."

"You're confusing necessity with intention."


	39. Chapter 39

Sam spent some time checking the armoury supplies. He knew Bobby kept a check on all the ammo, but he needed something to do and it never hurt to be diligent in such matters. He remembered his dad asking how many shots they had left in the clip after a hunt and expecting them to know exactly.

You had to know what you had left for the fight, even if turned out to be bad news. Especially then.

He thought about possibly their best asset, in the absence of a full-powered nephilim. They had an angel on their side and he had often been the deciding factor in their victories. He remembered Cas saying to the version of himself that was Sam's mental image of his vulnerable state, "I wish you'd just die!" Although he knew the feeling existed, hearing it spoken had hit hard.

He hoped he had at least done something to help Cas, but he knew that there was a lot more to be done and whilst the hunter in him ... the leader, for now ... wanted Cas to be battle-ready, Sam Winchester saw him as a non-combatant, in need of protection. Cas would fight Michael with everything he had and more, but he would do it without wanting to come out of the fight alive and that was not a good way to enter any battle.

Sam didn't want to live without Dean. He never had. The Winchester sense of duty would force him to try, anyway. People were depending on him. Jack was depending on him and he loved Jack as if he were his own son. Sam had always known there was no easy way out for him. Now, he knew he could not afford the luxury of death or despair. In his present state of mind, that felt a lot more positive than it should.

He was about to leave the armoury when the door opened and Sarah came in, looking tiny in the large room with all its apparatus of war. When she wasn't right in front of him, she seemed bigger to him, the size of her spirit, not her small, unimposing body. Her physical size and strength were misleading. She had inner strength and a sense of purpose that would keep her fighting when the whole world had chickened out. When he considered most people confronting Michael, he saw them as dead men walking, but with Sarah, he suspected she could crack Michael like an egg from one of her chickens.

"I'm heading home." she said, coming towards him, "I think I made your mother feel better. I told her you're doing okay."

"Thanks for that." he said.

"I think it's true. I hope it's true. Obviously, I'm using a very different definition of okay." She smiled.

"What happened today wasn't easy and I didn't enjoy it, but I think it helped Cas. I think it helped both of us."

"Yes." she said, "My cell phone is never off. If anything goes wrong tonight, or you need me for anything, however late it is, you call."

"I will." said Sam.

"And watch over my angel. He needs you."

"He needs Jules. I'll make sure he calls her. I'll do everything I can to get him to talk to her. Maybe tomorrow, when she comes here ... "

"I don't think he'll be here." she said.

"His car is still out of action. Anyway, he and Dean were able to talk using the link in ways they couldn't talk out here. Maybe I can get through to him that way and convince him he needs to be with her right now."

"I'm hoping that too, but tread carefully."

"I know he's in a brittle state of mind. I won't do anything to drive him away. Don't worry. I have a lot of experience with talking to volatile, damaged brothers. Sometimes, they don't even punch me."

"I have absolute faith in you." said Sarah and it sounded true. She looked arround the array of weapons and then at him again. "Strategically, we're not in a good place, are we?"

"Not at all." he said, glad to have one person who didn't need him to lie about that, but still wishing he could give her better news.

She nodded. "Of course, you boys do have a habit of defying the odds. Things seem bad for now, but they always have, haven't they?"

"For as long as I can remember." said Sam.

"Always remember, you are stronger than anything that can be set against you."

"Except that what is being set against me now is Dean." he said.

"No, it's not. It's just using Dean as a hostage. Michael is not Dean and never can be. I'd imagine just being in the same body is reminding him of that at every moment. Michael wishes he could be Dean. Michael will always be inferior to any Winchester."

"I wouldn't say that too loudly. He's dangerous."

"I've lived too long to scare easily. I've met all kinds of thugs and monsters and I know what's inside them, a terrified child who never got enough love. I pity Michael more than I fear him. I don't have much to lose anyway. What's he going to do? Rob me of a whole three years?"

"Don't talk like that. You're not dying soon. In fact, Castiel won't tolerate that."

"My poor Castiel!" she said, "Don't worry. I won't be easy to kill. I know you boys need me for a while longer."

"We will never not need you. If we get Dean back ... "

"I want you to change that to when."

"When we get Dean back, he's gonna be in need of a lot of support."

"Yes and I will be here." She patted his arm. "I hate leaving you, but I don't want Jules to be alone."

"No. Take care of Jules. I'm fine." he saw her eyebrow flicker and said, "Okay, not fine, but ready to face whatever comes. And tonight, Cas and I will work together and whether it works or it doesn't, being a team will be good for us."

"It will." she said. She hugged him. "Now, you keep in touch, or I will just keep turning up here. And you don't want that, do you?"

He laughed. "Actually, I think I probably do, but I'll keep in touch anyway. I'm sorry you felt I was avoiding you."

"Noticed." she said.

"Yeah, okay,"

"You need to remember, Sam, you don't have to do this alone. I'm sure today has shown you how bad that can be for you and the people around you."

"Message received and understood." he said, "Come on. I'll walk you to your car."

"Thankyou." she said.

She was just getting into the car when Sam's phone rang. He looked at it and answered, "Hey, Mom!"

"Castiel wants me to repair his car." she said, "I thought I should check with you first."

"Do it. We can't keep him prisoner." he said. He looked at Sarah, "I really hope fixing his car is not a mistake."

"It's not. If he needs space, fine. But he is not giving up on Jules." She turned the key in the ignition. "Take care of yourself, Sam."

"You too." he said, "Say hi to Jules for me."


	40. Chapter 40

Cas knew that Sam would never let him avoid calling Jules, so he chose to do so privately, away from the many good friends who, with the best of intentions, would advise and interfere and roll their eyes. He left the bunker and walked down the road until he came to the group of trees he and Sam treated as a kind of secret office. He sat on the large fallen tree trunk there and stared at her name on his phone for some time before he summoned up the courage to touch it.

"Cas?" she said, "Are you okay?"

"Hello, Jules." he said, "I'm fine."

"You're not." she said.

"I'm more fine than last time we spoke," he ventured.

"It's a low bar."

"Yes," he said, "How are you?"

"Lonely." she said, "Come home."

"I can't." he said, "Sam and Jack need me here. We have to save Dean."

"And you can't take a night off? Could I come to you?"

"It's not a good idea." he said.

There was silence. Eventually, she said, "You're calling because you need my help as a hunter, aren't you?"

"No, I'm calling because Sam won't leave me alone until I do."

The silence was longer. He knew he had said the wrong thing. She was hurt, probably angry and she might not forgive him and he knew that might be a good thing. He could even tell Sam his idea of talking to Jules had led to the breakdown of their relationship. That was a weirdly tempting thought. Only problem was, it wouldn't be true.

He knew if he said the right thing, he could make things better. He could tell her he was stupid and scared and had no idea how to speak to a woman whose absence was like a spear in his side and whose presence he longed for, but could not seek. He could say the three words that seemed to smooth over most of their communication issues, or the single word, "Goodbye." that would end the charade and set her free.

He said nothing. He waited.

When she spoke, her voice sounded unsteady. "You don't want to talk to me at all, do you?"

"Now? Like this? No." he admitted.

"Then how and when?" she said.

"You deserve better than this."

"True." she said.

"You deserve better than me."

"Don't give me that, 'I'm unworthy of you.' crap. I've heard it before. It just means you don't care about me."

"No!" said Cas.

"I've always been honest with you, Cas. Be honest with me."

"You're the best thing that ever happened to me, but I can't justify involving you further in my car crash of a life."

"And to whom do you have to justify it?" she said, "You rebelled against Heaven, Sam and Dean a a hundred percent in favour of our relationship. Sarah too. So who is this cruel judge?"

"My conscience." he said.

"Screw your conscience. Your conscience is so messed up you fall apart over burning toast."

"You're unhappy." said Cas.

"That's right." she said, "I have reason to be."

"Me. You have every reason to hate my kind."

"You hate your kind a lot of the time." she said.

"What you've suffered ... "

"One apocalypse. On the Winchester Scale, that's an average Tuesday. You've suffered a lot more. But the fact that we've both suffered means we deserve happiness now, right?"

"Jules, Bobby told me. Russian roulette."

"Oh, Hell." she said, becoming quieter, "Bobby had no right to say anything. I never wanted you to have that in your head."

"It's in yours." he said.

"Yes, but I know the context and you don't do context. You just file it in the pile of things you have to feel guilty for. You're not like other angels and those angels weren't even from your universe. And now those damn angels are going to come between us. You want them to have that power?"

"How can you look at me and not see them?" he said.

"Do you look at me and see all the humans that ever did an evil thing?"

"No. There is nothing evil in you. That event proved it. You tried to sacrifice yourself so your fellow prisoner could live."

"That's not what happened." she said, "I'm not the heroic type."

"You fired the gun repeatedly into your own head." said Cas.

"Yes, you know why? Not to save anyone. I just wanted to make sure those sadistic bastards didn't win. I wanted to take all the fun out of it for them. I was driven by spite."

"That's not true." said Cas. He could hear it in her voice.

"None of it matters now." she said, "Another world, another life. This life is the one I care about and no angel-devised torture has really hurt me until this one, where the angel I love won't come near me."

"There are billions of men in this world more worthy of you than I am." he said, "Who would cause you less pain and treat you as you deserve to be treated."

"And I would walk over every single one of them to get to you, Castiel. So stop telling me all the reasons why I shouldn't be with you. It makes a girl feel unwanted."

"You're not unwanted, just undeserved."

"How many times a day do you think about just walking away? And don't say you haven't counted. You count atoms in a tree just to pass the time."

"The number is high." he confessed, "It is, after all, the best solution, by any rational or wise judgement."

"So why haven't you done it?"

"I'm too weak."

"You mean you don't want to." she said. She sounded less angry with him now.

"Yes." he said.

"You don't want to give up on us. Somewhere in that conflicted heart, you think this is worth fighting for."

"Don't you ever think it would be easier to give up on me?"

"Not an option. People like me are everywhere ... "

"No. They're not."

"I'd never find someone else like you. I'd end up as bitter and solitary as Dean and I love Dean, you know I do, but not as a role model."

"Dean isn't bitter." he said.

"He is a little bitter and very single. Most hunters are. You want me to end the way most of them do, getting careless because there's too much liquor in my blood and too little reason to go home alive?"

"It could be a better end than you can expect with me."

"You're too alone now, Cas. I'm not walking away."

"I'm accustomed to being alone." he said.

"I know you are. So am I. It stinks."

"It does." he agreed.

"You know where I am. I'm telling you now, I have no plans to give up on you. When you can admit to yourself that you want this relationship, you need to come here, so I can hold you and kiss you and hug you and maybe slap you. What I am never going to do is stop loving you."

"I will always be an angel." he said.

"And that means, I will never be able to say all angels are evil, because I love one angel with all my heart."

"I will never be the right choice for you." he said.

"Cas, I never made the right choice in my life. I'm a hunter. I screw things up with bad decisions and then I dig my way out. Which makes me the best possible choice for you."

"If Dean ... "

"Either way, whether you get him back or not, you need someone who will always love and support you. But we will get him back and we will do whatever it takes to help and heal him."

"My feelings are not under my control." he said.

"Feelings are supposed to be felt, not repressed." she said.

"I can't be what you need." he said, though saying it felt like ripping out his own heart.

"What I need, Cas, is you. I think you can be that."


	41. Chapter 41

Cas and Sam met in the Dean Cave after supper. It seemed the least likely place for them to be disturbed. Sam noticed that Cas looked uneasy. He could understand that. He was unsure about this himself.

"You look tired." said Cas, "Maybe we should leave this until you've had a chance to rest."

"I'm fine." said Sam.

"When did you last sleep?"

"Why is everyone suddenly interested in my sleep patterns?" said Sam.

"You don't have sleep patterns. You don't have enough sleep for a pattern to form." said Cas.

"Have you spoken to Jules?" said Sam.

"Yes." said Cas.

"And ... "

"And nothing was resolved."

"That's okay. At least you're communicating." Sam locked the door and they both sat down. "Either this works or it doesn't. We can try another time." said Sam, "There's no pressure at all."

"Kill switch first." said Cas, "And whatever structure we create, it can't be Bobby's house. Going there without Dean ... "

"Of course. I'll let you decide the structure."

"One other thing. If we do this now, I want you to sleep tonight."

"I can't promise that. Even when I can fall asleep, my dreams wake me up."

"You know that I can put you into a deep sleep and stop you from dreaming. It's not a good idea longterm, because your mind needs to dream, but your body also needs to sleep. I know you and Dean hate me zapping you to sleep ... "

"We just ... "

"Yes, I know. You hate it, not me. Just this once, though?"

"Okay. As soon as we finish here, we'll go to my room and you can zap me as deep as you like." He reclined his seat. "Now, you're the expert. How do we do this?"

"It was easier with Dean. It happened automatically. We'd had so many flashes of each other's thoughts and feelings by the time we tried working with it consciously."

"We both want the kill switch. Let's imagine a room and put one in it."

Cas reclined his chair too and they closed their eyes. Something was happening. A mist swirled around in Sam's head and he thought he saw stone walls before it was suddenly gone and all was as before.

"Sorry." said Cas, opening his eyes.

"What happened?" said Sam, also opening his.

"Fear." said Cas.

"Of what?" said Sam.

"Dean and I ... we got so good at this, we could do pretty much anything with it. We talked more freely than we ever had before."

"You still feel like this is excluding Dean?"

"No, you misunderstand. I feel as if I will have the same thing with you. When the link died in my mind, it was like losing Dean completely. Like losing myself. I want to do this and I want it to work, but all I can think of is how much it will hurt to lose it."

"Okay, so you're overthinking again. Don't think about where this is going or what could happen in the future. We just need a room for the kill switch. Once we have the kill switch, either of us can get out at any time."

"I'll try again." said Cas.

"Thanks. It'll be okay. I'm not going anywhere."

They closed their eyes again and the mist swirled into his mind again. Then he saw Cas, standing in front of him in a stone chamber. between them was a small bell on a rope, such as might be used in a monastery to call the monks to prayer.

"One kill switch." said Sam. He could feel Cas wavering. His fears had not disappeared. "It's good." he said, "Are you ready to create the rest of this place."

"I don't know." said Cas.

"Try."

"This could be monumentally unimpressive."

"I'm fine with that. Just make sure there's a place to sit."

"I'll do my best."

A door appeared in the wall. Sam opened it and led the way. "Wow." he said.

They were in a vast hall. Tables and benches provided plenty of room to sit and the stone walls were decorated in rich, Medieval splendour. If King Arthur and his knights had joined them for a feast, they would not have seemed out of place.

"Seating." said Cas, gesturing to the benches they passed.

"Yeah, I saw that." said Sam, "This is definitely not Bobby's place."

"No, this is the Krak Des Chevaliers, one of my favourite places in Syria."

"The crusader castle?"

"Yes. I've always admired the design."

"Interesting choice. I guess it's as far from Bobby's house as you can get."

"It seemed appropriate for you. I've long seen you as a kind of crusader."

Sam stopped. "Me? I'd say that's the opposite of everything I ever was."

"I don't mean in the sense of rapacious violence with a flimsy religious excuse and a lot of mindless racism. I mean a warrior, committed to a cause, giving his life to what he believes in. Following a quest with no thought for his own safety or how he will get home."

Sam looked at Cas for a long time, wondering where that had come from. Finally, he said, "That doesn't sound much like me."

"Well, maybe I am wrong. I'm wrong a lot."

Anxious to move Cas on from that kind of thinking, Sam said, "Show me your castle."

Cas led him through a frescoed chapel and elegant archways. Upstairs in the northwest tower, there was a large and comfortable bed, a desk covered with maps and a rack of weapons. The letters DW were crudely carved into the desk. "This room seems right for Dean." he said.

"It does." said Sam, pleased that he had a room here and not a tomb, "Where's my room?"

"This way." said Cas and he confidently headed off towards it. When he opened the door, they entered a room with a more imposing desk and a bed whose draperies concealed the sleeping space. "The commander's room." said Cas.

Sam opened his mouth to object, but he was, for now, in command. "What about you?" he said.

"There's a room near the chapel." said Cas.

"Show me." said Sam.

Like his room in the bunker, the chamber was sparsely furnished. There was a tapestry on one wall, showing women in a garden. "What's that?" said Sam.

"Song of Solomon." said Cas, in a tone that suggested further discussion was discouraged. On the small desk by the window, there was a letter. Cas moved towards it as if it were about to explode. He picked it up and read it.

"What does it say?" said Sam.

Wordlessly, Cas handed it to him. It said, "Fight on for the fallen."

"Did you ... "

"No. It didn't come from my mind." said Cas.

Sam smiled. "Then from Dean?"

"How? The link is gone."

"If he realised what Michael was doing when he shut it down, maybe he sent something through it, an Easter egg for you to find."

"A what?" said Cas.

"Not an actual Easter egg." said Sam.

"He calls himself fallen, which can't be good." said Cas.

"Probably how it seemed to him at the time. It doesn't mean he's dead," said Sam, hoping it didn't, "What it does mean is that Michael didn't know what Dean was doing. Michael does not have complete control."

"Or didn't then."

"Dean's first victory against Michael." said Sam, refusing to accept any lessening of his hope.


	42. Chapter 42

After their tour of the castle, Sam and Cas returned to the great hall. Food and flagons had appeared at one corner of one of the tables and they sat there. Cas poured liquid from one of the flagons into a goblet and sniffed at it. "Whisky." he said, "Not historically appropriate." He sounded apologetic.

"Fine with me." said Sam, filling another goblet. He drank some. "That's good stuff. Cas, you really know how to stock a castle."

Cas looked around. "This is all less vivid, less real than what Dean and I made."

"Because you mostly had to do it alone. I'm not as good at this as Dean was ... is." said Sam, "You did all the work. I just tried to support what you were making."

"There are other differences too. No whispering walls. At Bobby's, there were locked doors, representing the things each of us refused to discuss."

"Well, no locked doors here." said Sam, "Do you think that's because we have fewer secrets from each other or because we refuse to even acknowledge the existence of the things we won't discuss?"

Cas smiled ruefully. "Probably the latter."

"Well, we can work on that and on this place. The more time we spend here, the more real it'll be."

"I'm surprised we got this working at all." said Cas.

Sam could feel his focus slipping. Some of the walls were blurring a little, but where his efforts failed, Cas would quickly edit the construction and make it solid again.

"This is easy for you, isn't it?" said Sam.

"Easier than being out there." said Cas, "Which may mean I'm hiding in here and Sarah would not approve of that."

"Sarah would understand. Sometimes, we all need a place to hide."

"When did you ever have one?"

"I've had my share of foxholes." said Sam, "I've done my share of running away."

Night was falling and it became darker in the hall, but not in a menacing way. As the natural light faded, candles began to appear. The room felt peaceful.

"We should leave soon." said Cas, "You're tired."

"Soon." said Sam, "But not yet. I wanted to talk to you about Jules."

The flames of the candles flickered and a table and benches nearby merged into a dark blur. Cas quickly reasserted control, but his discomfort was evident. "There's no point." he said.

"How badly did the call go? Did you break up with her?"

"No." said Cas.

"Then there's hope."

"Is there? Sam, I know nothing about any of it. You've had a real, lasting relationship. I don't even know the basics."

"Like what?"

Cas drank his whisky, emptying the goblet in one long gulp. "Like how you change a non-physical relationship into a physical one." he said.

Sam tried not to smile. "Let me clear something up for you." he said, "You do not have a non-physical relationship. You can barely keep your hands off each other. I've seen you holding hands under the table. I caught you kissing that time. That was in no way non-physical. What you and Jules have, Cas, is a very passionate physical relationship that just hasn't progressed very far yet."

"And never will."

"Maybe not, if you won't let it." said Sam, "And I understand, better than anyone, how it feels to be afraid that loving someone will lead to them being hurt. I gave up on love. You were right. I send everyone away. That seemed a better idea before I lost my family. I relied on Dean and Mom and now Dean is gone and I can't talk to Mom."

"You can talk to me and I have you. So lack of love isn't that bad. is it?" said Cas.

"If I could make different choices ... If I could say to someone something I should have said before it was too late, I would. Of course, she might still have died."

"Who might still have died?" said Cas.

"No, we're talking about your future, not my past. Just understand that I made stupid choices that seemed right at the time. Stuck to being friendly because I was afraid to go after love again."

"Jules loves me in spite of what I am. That kind of love scares me."

"She loves you because of what you are."

"That kind of love scares me even more." said Cas.

"If you could just commit to her and to this life that you want so much, you could have it all."

"And lose it all and steal it from her too. I'm not free. I never will be."

"You will be."

"I can't be a human without giving up being an angel. I don't want that. I want all the things humans take for granted, but not if it means not being an angel, even though I hate angels sometimes. And if I don't love her enough to give up my grace, do I love her at all?"

"If I'd given up being a Winchester, maybe Jessica would be alive now. Other people certainly would be. But I wouldn't be me."

"And if you're not you, who is there to love? You see my problem?"

"Yes. I see it."

"There's no solution." said Cas.

"Hasn't everything we've ever done shown that there is always a solution?"

"Usually one that brings worse problems."

Sam filled both goblets again. "True, but then we find new solutions. You said yourself, I had a real relationship and I know it ended badly, but all endings are bad. While I was with Jess, we were happy. Even after all I've been through, I remember my time with her as something special, something good. I loved her. I still love her."

"If you knew she would die as a result, would you still have chosen to be with her?"

"No." Sam admitted.

"No." said Cas.

"But you don't know Jules will die."

"I know that nobody in my life has been happier for having known me."

"Sarah, Jack, Dean and me." said Sam.

Cas drained his goblet again. He stared into the flame of a candle. The wall behind it flickered uncertainly. "You're tired." he said, "And I'm tired of talking about this."

"Okay. We'll leave here, but I want you to think about your relationship with Jules."

"Apart from Dean, it's all I ever think about." said Cas.

"Let's try the kill switch." said Sam and they were standing in front of the bell. Cas rang it and they were back in the Dean Cave. Sam got out of the chair and stretched a little to stop the cramp that was threatening to start in his legs.

Cas got up more slowly and he was frowning slightly. Sam hoped the discussion had not made things worse. "Are you okay?" he said.

Cas didn't answer the question, but merely said, "You should sleep now."

"Cas, if anything I said ... "

"It didn't."

"But ... "

"You said you'd sleep."

"And I will, but everything I said ... I was trying to help."

Cas suddenly stopped frowning and said, "And you did help."

"If we can talk about it in there, maybe we can find a solution." said Sam.

"Come on." said Cas, unlocking the door, "It's late and you need sleep."

Sam followed Cas. He lay on his bed with Cas standing beside it. "She's good for you, Cas." he said.

"I'm not good for her." said Cas sadly.

"I think you are."

Cas reached out his hand. "Ready?" he said.

Sam hesitated.

"Still don't trust me?" said Cas.

"I'm ready." said Sam.

Now Cas hesitated. Very quietly, he said, "I'm not good at this, Sam, any of it. I don't even know how to thank a friend for trying to help."

"Best thing about family, Cas. No need for thanks."

"Thanks anyway." said Cas and at his touch, Sam slipped into oblivion.


	43. Chapter 43

The bunker tended to get very quiet in the early hours. Most of the offworlders now had places of their own in Lebanon and the neighbouring towns. They went home unless there was something they needed to do. That suited Cas well and he often spent the night in the kitchen, knowing that anyone who went in there after midnight would probably be one of the family.

On this particular night, he had the room to himself for a while. He sat in the darkness, neither needing nor desiring light. He had time to think and although everyone told him not to think too much, he had never found a way to stop.

At least there were some good things to think about. Their experiment had been successful and nothing terrible had happened. He'd been surprised by how easy it had been. The early stages of the link he had with Dean had been hedged around with so much fear on both sides. Each had fought against the connection, certain that the other hated it.

He and Sam had doubts and he had been afraid of letting his disordered mind touch Sam's vulnerable, human one, but both wanted the connection and both were able to admit it. Sam's lack of control of their surroundings had been a lack of confidence more than anything. Cas knew how strong his Hell-refined will could be and he knew time and practice would grant him far greater abilities.

It had been an odd feeling, to be in a mindscape like that without Dean. The absence of Dean had been painfully obvious. However, his terrible isolation had been like an open wound and the touch of another mind, a mind he loved and one so filled with love for him, had eased the pain a little. Then there had been the letter from Dean.

The word fallen still bothered him, but Sam was right. Dean had wrested back sufficient control to leave the message and he had done so without Michael discovering the fact. Had Michael known of the message, he would simply have gone back and erased it. Some part of Dean's mind had retained enough autonomy and sufficient guile to leave that message. It also meant that Dean had not been the one to close the connection. Cas found Michael's strategic action a lot more bearable than Dean's rejection.

It was easier to discuss Jules in there. It was strangely easier to discuss her with Sam. Sam had been in love, had lived a serious, enduring relationship, had known the kind of tragedy and loss that Cas feared. He understood his fears, empathised with his feelings of guilt and worthlessness and cared deeply for his happiness.

It was hard for Cas to admit, even to himself, that he wanted to be with Jules, to have someone to love. It was such a human thing to want and so far above his deserving, but Sam saw it as something he had a right to desire. That was comforting, even when every thought in his own head was chanting that he could never be worthy of love.

His thoughts were interrupted by Mary coming into the kitchen. She turned on the light and then saw him. "Castiel? Sorry. I had no idea you were here. Do you want the light out?"

"No." he said, "It's fine."

"Coffee?" she said.

He smiled. "Thanks."

He watched her perform the usual coffee making ritual. Something about kitchens and the tasks carried out in them was always soothing to him. Perhaps because they were family places and family habits. Dean would hand him a beer, knowing it had little use for either food or intoxication, but knowing too that drinking together was a way to make Cas feel included in his family. Mary and Sam offered coffee. Sarah often gave him tea.

"You were with Sam earlier." she said, "How was he?"

"Good, I think." said Cas, "He's sleeping now. We should wake him, if there's news of Dean, but otherwise, he should sleep."

"I agree. I'm amazed he's asleep now."

"I helped him." said Cas, "He agreed to let me zap him."

"Good." said Mary, "I've been worried about him."

"I could also put you to sleep."

"No. I don't even like sleeping pills, Cas. No offence."

"None taken. But the offer is always there."

"Thanks." she said.

When the coffee was ready, she poured a mug for Cas and then one for herself. He thanked her and then they both drank in silence for a while.

"Mary," he said, "Do you know any non-tragic love stories?"

She thought about it for a moment and said, "No. No hunter does."

"No. That's what I thought." The list of reasons for ending his relationship with Jules seemed to grow longer every day. The reasons for continuing it seemed slight and selfish.

She sat opposite him. "I know my story doesn't seem that happy. I met John, he died. I made an ill-advised deal with a demon, got him back, had a few happy years and then I died. And now I'm back and he's dead. And I may never see him again."

"You must sometimes wish you'd never met him." said Cas, seeing the tears in her eyes.

"No. Never." She smiled. "John was one in a million. He was funny. He was kind. His smile made my heart flip over. I loved him. I still love him. I always will. I would give anything for one more hour with him, but even with just what we had, it was worth everything."

"It was?"

"Yes. I'm not saying it was perfect. Nothing ever is. Don't tell the boys, but John was not the easiest person to live with. When he started losing an argument, he'd just walk out. That's bad when you're just dating, devastating when you have two small kids." She grinned at him. "I was just as bad. I was a door slammer."

"So are Dean and Sam." he said.

"Yeah, they got the best and worst of both of us."

"Which one is most like John?" he asked.

"It's hard to say. There's a lot of John in Dean, the sense of humour, the stubbornness ... though Campbells have plenty of that too and Dean has a Campbell streak a mile wide. Sam is less obviously like John, but maybe even more like him. He has his father's gentleness and his strong will. I see so much of him in both my boys. And they love him. That's why I never want them to hear anything bad about him from me."

"You know, I think they saw his faults pretty clearly. When you spend a lot of time in motel rooms together, you see it all."

"I know. I know they know his faults, probably a lot better than I do, but I never want them to know that I saw them. I know they try to protect me from all that."

"Yes, they are very protective of you in general." he said.

"But there was so much that was good and loving in him. When Dean was born, he couldn't take his eyes off him. He kept saying, "Can you imagine how you and I made this perfect little person?" He said to Dean, "Don't worry, kid. You'll never have to wonder if your dad ever loved you. I won't ever let you feel abandoned." She wiped away a tear.

"Sorry." said Cas, "I didn't mean to remind you of sorrows from the past."

She shook her head. "I like remembering those times. They were good times. Castiel, I loved John. I loved him with everything I had. It was so hard to adjust to life here, without him and with our boys all grown up, when I'd thought we were all together when I was in Heaven. We didn't have a long time together, but we had a great time. I wouldn't trade a day of it. I wouldn't give up the hardest, most painful moments for someone else's perfect happiness. I married John Winchester. I will never be sorry I did that."

He looked into her eyes. There was no doubt that she meant every word.

"He was a great man." he said, "I am no John Winchester."

"Like I said, he had his faults."

"I wiped out most of the angels in Heaven." he said.

"I let Azazel infect my son with demon blood." she said.

"I try to think of reasons why someone should love me and I just can't find any." he said.

"My sons love you."

"I don't understand that, either." he said.


	44. Chapter 44

Sleep had turned out to be impossible for Jules, so at 3 am, she was sitting at Sarah's kitchen table with her small, leather-bound journal and a stack of loose notes on scraps of paper. With Jack out of the fight, there was a nephilim-shaped hole in their strategy and she was determined to find a way to fill it.

There were doubtless weapons in Heaven's arsenal that had a chance of harming Michael, but whether there was anything that could kill him was another matter. Cas might know and he might even be willing to talk about it with her, but she didn't trust herself not to use it to manipulate him into coming home and that would be unfair.

Bindings didn't seem to exist for archangels and warding didn't hold them off. Holy fire could hold them for a time, but wouldn't save Dean from Michael's grasp. The nature of nephilim offered one interesting idea. If Jack combined the power of a human soul with the grace of his archangel father, could an archangel ... angel, she corrected herself ... the archangels were all dead ... with the control of a human soul, be almost as strong as a nephilim? But then, there was one archangel left. The Michael from this world was still in the cage.

That Michael was as much an enemy as her Michael, probably. It would be a risk and probably an unacceptable one, to release someone who might just join forces with his other self.

So, an angel it would have to be. Cas had told her he had tapped the power of a human soul before. The human had not come to lasting harm. In any case, if the years of her world's end had shown anything, it was that people died all the time, for nothing. Hell, people had murdered each other for toilet paper. Endings were inevitable, for love and for life. The trick was to make them mean something.

She had long ago given up believing in happy ever after. She loved Cas more than she had ever loved anyone and yet trying to hold onto him was like clutching a balloon in a tropical storm. All day, she told herself she only had to love him enough and he would eventually believe in love. In the lonely hours before dawn, she acknowledged to herself that he may not ever commit to her. Maybe he was right that angels could not love.

If that were the case, there was no more for her in this world than the last. There was little reason to keep going when there was nothing to be gained. She would rather die at his hand, exploding because he failed to control her power than live peacefully until the moment she had to say a final goodbye. At least the explosion would be a sort of passion. At least her soul's force might help save Dean and if he had Dean back, he would remember her fondly.

Of course, he might not agree to that. If not, she did have a Plan B. It was weak, though. She wasn't confident that demons had the power to fight an archangel. In fact, she was fairly certain they couldn't. However, if she stumbled upon the bones of a black cat, she already had graveyard dirt and a soul she wasn't really using.

She heard Sarah coming downstairs and tried to look more cheerful. As Sarah came into the kitchen, Jules said, "I'm sorry. Did I wake you?"

"No," said Sarah, "I was having trouble sleeping anyway. What are you working on?"

"Extreme possibilities." said Jules, "Crazy ideas. I'd love to be able to go to Sam with something that might work. So far, nothing."

"You have a lot of notes on nothing." said Sarah.

"It keeps me busy." said Jules.

"Maybe some warm milk will help us both to sleep." said Sarah, going to the refrigerator. She began to warm some milk on the stove and Jules stacked her notes and put her journal on top of them.

Soon, they were both in the parlour, drinking the warm milk. Sarah smiled and said, "Was fighting Michael the only thing on your mind?"

"Maybe the only thing I can do anything about." said Jules, "Cas will make his own decisions and I feel as if I don't have much influence on those. I'm starting to wonder whether I've been wrong about him."

"Wrong in what sense?" said Sarah.

"I love the way he holds me at night, but what if it's not because he loves me, but just because he needs to hold someone? He's been without any physical affection for most of his long, long life. Maybe he doesn't love me ... or not in that way. Maybe he just needs a hug."

Sarah smiled sadly. "Being apart is not good for either of you. You're right that he needs as many hugs as he can get, but he's been hugging me for years and trust me, he never held me all night. He's afraid of his feelings for you because he's never had these feelings before."

Jules thought about it. Her doubts always assailed her at night, when lack of sleep and the absence of Cas were getting to her. She knew Sarah was right. "I'm getting as bad as him, aren't I?" she said.

"We all overthink things sometimes." said Sarah, "You hide it well, but the pressure on you is intense. We should talk about it more."

"I don't really talk easily about stuff like that." she said.

"No, Jules, I know. All the people I love most spend most of their time pretending to me that there's nothing wrong."

"It's not you." said Jules, "I've been on my own a long time." She smiled. "And it seems I'll be alone a lot longer."

Sarah patted her knee kindly. "Our boy is struggling to find his place in the world and he's terrified of hurting you in the process, but I have faith that he will make the right decision. For now, you're far from alone. You're family to me and I'll always be ready to listen."

"Thanks, Sarah."

"Your feelings matter as much to me as his do. Remember that. I wouldn't be encouraging this relationship if I thought it wasn't right for both of you."

"I just hope it's right for him." said Jules, "I want him to be happy."

"I want you both to be happy." said Sarah, "And I'm sure that you can be."

"I just wish he'd stop avoiding me. He only called because Sam made him."

"Yes, the honesty between you does have its downside. But the fact that Sam made him do it doesn't mean he didn't want to call you."

"He didn't." said Jules.

"I'm sure he did. He often doesn't know what he wants."


	45. Chapter 45

Cas eventually left Mary in the kitchen and went outside to wait for dawn. On top of the bunker, the beehive Bobby had made awaited Sarah's next swarm and the empty shell seemed to epitomise all their false hopes for a future that now seemed impossible.

He thought of the road trip Dean had promised, Sam's hopes to retire from hunting and do something less bloody and depressing. He thought of Claire's broken heart and broken life, growing like a weed, strong because of adversity, flourishing in spite of the world and its cruelty and then finding, for one brief moment, a real love and instantly losing it forever. He thought of Jack, working so hard to master powers he now would not get to use.

The night was so silent and still. The world was silent and still. His chest ached with the effort of holding in all the feelings he was afraid to feel. Not long ago, he could have lost himself in the endless chatter of angel radio. Now, there were few voices and they rarely spoke.

Angel radio. Dean had called it that. Weirdly, it had stuck and spread and now even angels that had never met Dean called it that too. He had changed them all and if they had let him, he could have saved them all. In the end, he had saved Cas, but with a salvation that was also damnation. He had taught him to feel, to think, to love, to hurt. He had taken away the rock on which he stood and every certainty in his life and he had given him feelings that were terrifying in their strength, mercurial in their moods, devastating in their loss.

He needed a distraction. He called Rowena.

"Hello, darling!" she said.

"Rowena," he said, "Do you have anything?"

"Wit, charm and a total lack of scruples." she said.

"I mean to find Dean." he said.

"You don't think I would have called?"

"Forgive my impatience." he said.

"I think I could forgive you almost anything." she said, "Where are you now? Still in Lebanon, hoping Dean will come home?"

"We have no leads." he said, wondering why he felt a need to justify his inaction to her.

"Well, I'm not far away. We could meet up. Not in some drab little motel, though. I have standards. Say the word and I'll pick the place."

"I don't have time."

"I'd say all you have is time. Until you find Dean, there's not much you can be doing. We can have a few drinks, satisfy this lovely mutual curiosity we have."

"What curiosity?"

"Well, on my side, a theory I'm working on that, although angels might be less ... potent than archangels, they may also have a little more passion. Holy fire, you might say."

"Holy fire?" said Cas, wondering how much she knew about the qualities of holy oil.

"Don't get me wrong. There was nothing lacking in Gabriel. A most enjoyable interlude, certainly."

"I'd rather not discuss that." he said, remembering all too well the archangel's carnal involvement with the witch. He had cleaned every inch of the library repeatedly, but could not wipe the memory from his mind.

"You never play, do you? I try, but you just won't. But you wouldn't be so resistent if the desire to play didn't exist."

"That makes no sense." he said.

"There's a lot to you, Castiel. There are layers within layers."

"You're calling me an onion, now?"

"I'm calling you a conundrum," she said, "And one I wish I had time to explore as fully as you deserve."

"I assure you, I am insubstantial, uncomplicated and simplistic in the extreme."

"And a terrible liar. But that you make the attempt is fascinating to me, because you were never designed to lie, were you? Another skill you discovered from being around humans. And the attempt to lie is a compliment to me. You care how I see you, when the views of one little witch, however powerful, should mean nothing to an angel of the Lord."

"Nothing but duty should mean anything to an angel of the Lord." he said.

"And is that still how you see yourself?"

"I am still an angel." he said.

She was oddly quiet for what seemed like too long a time.

"It's odd, isn't it?" she said, "Heaven met the Winchesters and it was Heaven that changed."

"The Winchesters changed too." he said, although he silently conceded to himself that the change to Heaven had been more extensive and more fundamental.

"If it came to it, could you take Dean out?" she said.

"With Michael controlling him? No. I don't have the power."

"It wasn't the power I was asking about. It was the will. If all else fails and this world hangs in the balance, could you kill your friend to destroy Michael?"

"I helped Sam take Lucifer into the cage." he said, but a lot had changed since then and even then, it had not been easy.

"Loyalty and love are weaknesses." she said.

"Yes." he said.

"Whatever you love can be used against you."

"Yes." he said again.

"Could Sam kill Dean?"

"I don't know. We have to make sure he never has to find out. We must free Dean from Michael."

"But you are planning for what can be done if that doesn't happen?"

"Do you have a plan for that?"

"Not yet, but we need one." she said.

"Then I suggest you work on one."

"So you haven't come up with anything? I think the truth is that you can't ever bring yourself to think of hurting either of them. Everyone who meets them ends up loving them."

"I wish that were true."

"Which part?" she said.

"It's clearly not true anyway. You yourself are proof of that. You still hate them, yes?" He smiled. He knew she hated herself for not hating them.

"Nobody likes a smartarse, Feathers."

"Well, you wanted me to play."

She chuckled. He wondered whether he should find the sound disturbing or not. She was a very wicked witch. She was the definition of untrustworthy. It was almost his duty to despise her. She was a difficult person to despise. "Well-played." she said, "Now, what do you say to a secret meeting, far away from your human minders?"

"I don't entirely rule it out." he said carefully.

"You don't?"

"No. There are things we could better discuss if we were not likely to be overheard."

"You want to talk?" She sounded disappointed.

"You have knowledge I could use. You have skills that I might need."

"Magic powerful enough to help against Michael does come at a hell of a price." she said.

"Yes, I know, but I'm not talking about fighting Michael with it. I want to use it more as a protective thing."

"For the Winchesters?"

"The Winchesters can protect themselves. The whom or what is not important. I was wondering whether grace, under the direction of spellwork ... "

"No angel would ever let a witch play with their grace."

"Gabriel did." he said.

"You're serious."

"Very. Obviously, there are trust issues and I would have to be very sure what you were doing at all times, but in theory?"

"In theory, my little cherub ... "

"I'm not a cherub."

"Irrelevant. In theory, that would be a very interesting little side-project. I'm assuming Sam has not approved it."

"No, Sam has not approved it."

"When shall we two meet again?" she said.

"You're misquoting Shakespeare?"

"Paraphrasing. My favourite play, actually."

"If we meet to discuss this, it will have to be at a time when I can avoid arousing suspicion."

"Yes, they'd really hate this idea, wouldn't they? Which makes me wonder what is so important to you that you would bypass the Winchesters and their understandable disapproval and distrust."

"You're right. We should forget the whole thing. I'm sorry I bothered you. Keep looking for a way to beat Michael."

"I didn't say we shouldn't do it."

"No, but maybe we shouldn't."

"And we could also do the other thing we were discussing." she said suggestively.

"I told you. That doesn't interest me."

"The archangel seemed to like it." she said.

"I can't compete with an archangel." he replied.

"I think you may be selling yourself short."

"Goodbye, Rowena."

"Bye for now." she said, "We'll talk soon."

The sky was growing brighter. He decided to ignore all the questions in his head about the foolish conversation he had just shared with Rowena and just watch the birth of another day.


	46. Chapter 46

Sam woke up without the usual pounding in his head and sickness in his stomach. No bad dreams had invaded his sleep and he had not endured repeated awakenings followed by long periods of sleeplessness. It occurred to him that he should have asked Cas to help before, but there had been good reasons not to.

The one he was proud of was that he hadn't wanted to make any demands of Cas, who had already lost everything. He certainly didn't want Cas to have to take care of him. Cas had and should have other priorities.

The reason he was less proud of was that he didn't want easy rest and sleep when Dean was suffering. Even now, he felt guilty. He had not suffered enough in the night. But that in itself was a thought he should be ashamed of. Wallowing in guilt and punishing himself was a perverse kind of indulgence. He needed to be capable of fighting for Dean and for that he needed rest.

Winchester guilt was a bitch. It got you coming and going.

The last thing he remembered was Cas saying, "Thanks anyway." Words he hadn't needed to say, but that Sam had needed to hear. Sarah had said dealing with them all was like juggling eggs and Sam knew what she meant. With the broken pieces scattered across the floor, the angel's sincere thanks had been an indication that he hadn't wholly failed his family.

He took a shower, thought about shaving, dismissed it as unnecessary and then went to the kitchen. Cas was waiting there. He looked as if he had been waiting a while. "Good morning." he said, "Sit down. I'll make you some breakfast."

"You don't have to do that." said Sam.

"I'm doing it for purely selfish reasons." said Cas, "If I don't take care of you, Mary will be angry with me. And I may need some advice, so I need to do something in return."

Sam was about to ask what advice, but Cas had been awake all night, as always and it was wise to check where all his solitary brooding had led him. "How was your night?" he said, "Are you okay? I mean, in the limited sense in which okay applies to anyone here, these days."

"I'm fine." said Cas. Then he looked abashed. "That's a meaningless answer, isn't it?"

"Just a bit." said Sam.

Cas began to prepare a small omelette. For a few minutes, he said nothing, then, as he served up the food, he said, "I still don't know what to do about Jules."

"What you need to do is go to the farm and talk to her." said Sam.

Cas put the plate in front of him. "Eat."

"Thanks." said Sam, "Talk to her, Cas."

"Of course I will. Just not yet. Not now."

"Why not?" said Sam.

"Eat your breakfast. Mary will ask."

Sam took a few bites and then said, "You said you need my advice. My advice is not to leave it any longer."

Cas looked uncomfortable. "If I go to see her now, I'll be confused. I need time. I need things to change."

"You mean Dean."

"I mostly mean Dean." Cas admitted.

"However long you wait and whatever the Dean situation is you'll still be confused. We're all confused, all the time. The only way it becomes simple is if you decide to end it and whatever you think, you don't want to do that."

Cas sat opposite him. "Of course I don't want to, but if it's better for her ... "

"It's not." said Sam, "Look, do you want to discuss this at the Krak?"

"No." said Cas, "I think here is best for now."

Sam didn't ask why. Cas was being more open with him than usual and he didn't want to put him under any pressure. "It's not better for her." he said, "She's not a child. She chose to enter this relationship. She knew what she was doing. She knows what she wants."

"That was before Dean disappeared. I could at least fake sanity."

"Never convincingly." said Sam. He smiled. "Sorry. Joke."

"I'd generally ask Dean about this."

"Because he's such an expert on relationships?"

"Because he wouldn't judge me too harshly."

"Neither will I." said Sam.

"No, I know. I know." said Cas. He looked tired.

"So, ask."

"If I decided to continue the relationship, even though Dean is lost and I'm not the same without him ... If that happened ... What do women want?"

"You're not the first to ask that, but the answer's very simple. They want what we all want. They want love, respect, trust and commitment."

"She can't trust me and I can offer no commitment beyond a hope. I don't know much about love. She can't trust me. Nobody can trust me. Heaven can use me in a thousand different ways without my consent, possibly without my knowledge. I do respect her."

"Well, that's a start." said Sam, wishing Jules were there to tell him it was enough. He knew it was for her. Cas seemed to have no idea how well she understood him and the conflicting pressures coming from all sides. Maybe he just didn't see how much she loved him and how much she was willing to accept in order to be with him.

"That's nothing." said Cas, "I can only disappoint her. I don't want to do that." He looked at the plate. "You're not eating."

"I am." said Sam. He ate a little more. "In an ideal world, what would you want for you and Jules?"

"This is not an ideal world." said Cas, "This is a fallen, polluted world where even those who start with all possible advantages go from one failed relationship to another. Jules and I are starting with no advantages at all."

"But you have started. That's something."

Cas smiled. "Why do you believe in us? Even we don't believe in us."

"I know you, Cas. I know how strongly you feel and how devoted you can be and I know that if you do finally commit to her, you won't let the relationship fail."

"Every relationship in my life failed."

"That isn't true. Only one question matters. Do you want it to succeed?"

Cas stared at the table for a long time. "Yes, I do."

"Then stop running away from it. She wants it to work too and she's amazing. So the two of you together ... "

"There's so much I don't know."

"Are we talking about sex again?"

"No, but also, yes. Sex is one of many things I don't entirely understand. She's patient, but I can't ask her to wait forever."

"Why are you asking her to wait at all?"

"Because once we are lovers in reality, I can't walk away."

"You can walk away now?" said Sam.

Cas sighed. "I think that's where the whole thing falls apart. But even if the reason for hesitation makes no sense, hesitation has become a habit. I don't know how to move forward with any of it."

"Half your problems, more than half your mistakes have been because you try to do everything alone. You can't do that with a relationship, but you're still trying. You're here, worrying what to do instead of talking to Jules and working it out together."

"Yes." said Cas.

"The physical stuff is easy. Don't rush into anything you're not ready for, but when you are ready, tell her. Tell her that you're worried about it. She'll understand." Sam knew Dean had not been a good influence. "And whatever Dean told you, don't use porn as research. It's not you. It's not her. It's not reality. Trust your instincts. They come free with every human vessel."

"Rowena said something similar."

"And don't listen to Rowena." said Sam, "Listen to Jules. Tell her how you feel ... all of it ... even the stuff you won't admit to yourself yet. Be honest with her. I promise, the best way to make the relationship work is to involve her in it."


	47. Chapter 47

Although he had little appetite, with the angel's eyes on him, Sam felt obliged to eat everything. It also seemed like a good way to keep Cas talking. Kitchen tables seemed to have a strange power over all of them. Maybe the lack of family and home left them all susceptible to any hint of domestic comfort.

Cas refilled his coffee and put it next to him. "Sam," he said, "About last night. I think we did a good job with the link."

"We did." said Sam, "I know I don't have Dean's ability, yet, but with work ... "

"You were pretty good. You just need to get used to it." Cas walked around the room, looking as if he wanted to say something more.

"We can go back there, if it's easier to talk there." said Sam.

Cas frowned. "No. I have to go soon. Jules will be here."

"I thought we'd agreed you'd talk to her."

"I don't remember that. I will talk to her. I have to talk to her. Just not today." His eyes pleaded with Sam not to insist.

"If you're not ready, you're not ready, but I think both of you are suffering more than you need to."

"That's probably true."

"So no Krak, but there's something, isn't there?"

Cas was silent for a moment. Then he said, "Just this. After last night ... after we made that fortress together ... "

"Mostly your work." said Sam.

"My shaping, but a lot of the structural integrity was pure Winchester."

"You are a Winchester." said Sam.

Cas smiled. "That's the kind of thing I'm talking about."

"You're not talking about much of anything yet." said Sam.

"After last night and all the talking and the cooperation and all of it, I never again want to hear the words, 'more profound bond' from you. If I ever meant it or it ever meant anything, it doesn't now."

Sam was surprised. He had always seen himself as a bystander to the Cas and Dean show. It made little sense, these days. Cas had dragged both of them out of Hell and he and Sam had shared some intense and lifechanging experiences both with and without Dean, but Sam had always felt less important to the angels in general and yet he loved Cas with a powerfully fraternal devotion.

"We've been through so much together." said Cas, "I owe you so much and our connection last night ... "

"Was nothing like the one you have with Dean." said Sam.

"True. And the one I have with him is nothing like ours. Different does not mean less."

"I'll admit, when I suggested it, I was hoping that lesser connection would help both of us to survive without Dean for a while."

"Me too. I didn't think you'd trust me like he did ... does. It was different. It was very different. It was nothing like Bobby's place. But it was powerful and it was important and it was profound. The truth is, I did it for you. I feared it would only make me miss Dean more, but if I could make you feel less alone ... but it helped me, more than I imagined it could."

"Good. We'll keep using the link. And if there's anything else you think will help, just let me know. We're both wrecks without Dean around, but we'll get through this, together."

"You're a good friend, Sam."

"So are you. The best."

Jack came in. "Jules just texted. She's on her way."

"I'd better go." said Cas, "Leave your plate in the sink. I'll wash it later."

"Not your job." said Sam, "I can wash my own plate."

Jack looked at Cas. "Is there any way I can get you to stay long enough to say hello to her?"

"No." said Cas, "Trust me, it wouldn't be a good idea anyway."

"It's a much better idea than running away." said Sam.

"I'm not running away. I'm choosing a more appropriate time."

"Like 2030?" said Sam.

"Like not now, when I'm not thinking clearly and will say things I don't mean."

"Like, 'I love you. I need you.' and that kind of thing?"

Cas looked at him for a moment, then said, "I should go." He didn't move.

Jack turned to Sam and said apologetically, "I wouldn't leave, if I had my powers, but I don't think I'm very important to the fight now that I have nothing. I'll just be gone a few hours."

"We all need time off sometimes." said Sam, "But don't start thinking you don't matter. Dean and I are just human and we sometimes achieve amazing things."

"And I have angelic powers and do nothing of any value." said Cas.

"Cas, that's not true." said Sam.

"I was joking." said Cas, who clearly wasn't.

"Well, I don't wanna hear any more jokes like that ... anything like that from either of you. If I can fake self-belief, so can both of you."

"Is that what you're doing?" said Jack, "Because everyone else here believes in you."

"That's why I have to seem to." said Sam, "Sometimes it's not easy, but without Dean, someone has to lead and it seems to be me. For Dean's sake, let's all try to appear to think we can win."

"We can win. We will win." said Jack, "Whatever the cost, we will stop Michael."

"And save Dean." said Cas.

"Where will you go today?" said Sam.

"Just away from the bunker. Away from Jules." said Cas.

"Do you want me to call you when she leaves?"

"No. I'll just stay away for a while. I'll be back sometime after midday."

"Any message for Jules?" said Sam.

Messages for Jules seemed to flash wordlessly across his eyes, but he shook his head.

"And if she asks when she'll see you again?" said Sam.

"Be diplomatic." said Cas, "You're good at that."

"I'm not." said Jack, "So what am I supposed to say when she asks me?"

"I don't know." said Cas, looking defeated, "Why do you think I'm avoiding her?"

"I have no idea." said Jack. Sam felt sorry for him. He loved Cas and had no idea how to help. Sam knew the feeling well.

"Don't worry about it, Jack." said Sam, "I don't think Jules will want to make you uncomfortable."

"I know, but this whole thing makes me uncomfortable. They're living together and she never gets to see him."

"She wouldn't want to see me like this." said Cas.

"She keeps asking to." said Sam.

"I have to go, right now." said Cas, "I don't have time to discuss this."

"Be careful." said Sam, "Michael is out there somewhere."

"Yes, and if I thought I could lure him out, I would." said Cas.

"Take no risks." said Sam firmly.

"I'll see you later." said Cas, "Jack, enjoy your time with Sarah and Jules."


	48. Chapter 48

When Jules arrived, Sam and Jack went out to meet her. "Hey." she said, "Is Cas here or ... ?"

"He went out a little while ago." said Sam.

"Of course he did." she said.

"We both tried to make him stay." said Jack.

She patted his shoulder. "Thanks for trying, but it's okay. He needs his space. Apparently, oceans of space. He's okay, though, right?" She looked at Sam.

"He's talking. He's planning to stick around. He even says he'll talk to you, when he's thinking more clearly. It feels like progress. I just wish it could move a little faster. Being away from you is not helping him at all."

"It's not helping me either." she said. She visibly made an effort to cheer up for Jack's sake. She smiled at him. "You ready, Jack? Sarah's baking cookies for you."

Jack's smile was a lot more genuine than hers. "I like cookies."

"He does." said Sam, "He really does. Get him out of here. He needs to be away from all this for a while."

"Nothing to stop you from coming too." she said.

"I have a lot to do." he lied, knowing he would spend the day searching for anything he could do. "Besides, I wanna be here when Cas gets back. I'm trying not to let him spend too much time alone. I have him focused on a project right now. It's helping."

"Okay, good." she said.

"But, Jack, if you felt like bringing me back a cookie ... "

"I think I can do that." said Jack, "Dean says everyone deserves a cookie."

"Yes, he does." said Sam.

"Cas won't want to see me when I bring Jack back, either, will he?" said Jules.

"I don't know." said Sam, "If you'd rather not come here, I can drive Jack home later."

"No, it's better if only one of us is avoiding the other. I'll keep trying. Come on, Jack. Let's get you to the farm."

Jack looked at Sam. "I'll see you later. If there's anything you need me for, call. Not that there's much I can do."

"Your job right now is to take care of yourself, so I don't have to tell Cas and Dean I failed to look after you." said Sam.

Jack nodded and followed Jules to her Jeep. "Will I get to meet the chickens?" he said to her.

"Of course!" she said, "See you later, Sam."

Sam waved and then went into the bunker. His mother was just inside the door. "Jack's gone?" she said.

"Yes." he said, "So, what do I need to deal with next?"

"Bobby has the hunters organised. Most of them will be in today. A few of the more technically skilled ones want to see if they can find a way to locate Michael."

"Any news from the infirmary?" he said. None of them talked more about Lucifer's former vessel than they had to. He hated even walking past the room where Nick was being treated and he felt bad for feeling that way, because Nick was Lucifer's victim even more than he was.

"He's still stable, still not conscious enough to communicate. Joseph says maybe he never will be. There may be no cognitive function left. He's lucky to be alive."

"I'm not sure lucky is the word." said Sam.

"They have him watched, 24/7. Nick doesn't have to be your problem unless he wakes up fully."

"Everything is my problem." he said. He saw the concern in her eyes and said, "Sorry. Self-pity. I'm fine. I just get frustrated that nothing I do is getting us any closer to Dean."

"Not yet, but that could change in an hour. Meanwhile, at least you've helped Castiel."

"You think so?"  
  
"We were talking. I know it's not huge, but it's something. He didn't leave the room as soon as I entered it."

"What were you talking about?"

"Your dad, mostly. He asked if I knew any non-tragic love stories."

"And you told him that one?" said Sam.

"I told him I didn't and then I told him a love story doesn't need a guarantee of lasting happiness to be worthwhile. This won't end happily for any of us. We give up our happy endings so other people can live in blissful ignorance. That doesn't mean we can't have moments that are wonderful. I told him I didn't regret being with your father."

"I've always hoped you didn't." he said.

"Never have, never will." she said.

"Do you think he understood what you were trying to say?"

"It's always hard to tell with him, but he listened. How are you now? He said you got some sleep."

"I slept well. I'm good. Now I just need to pick a way to waste time while we wait for news of Dean."

She smiled in sympathy. "You should work with the technical experts. Nobody knows more about the computers here than you."

"Well, I'm no Charlie, but I'll try." he said, "I guess there's no point in asking how you are."

"I'm not great, but I'm good. Just trying to keep busy, think about things that might help and not about the missing son or the one struggling to hold us all together."

"How am I doing on that?" he said.

"Pretty damn well, Sam. John would be proud of you. I'm proud of you."

"Thanks. I don't think I could do it without you." 

"I'm not sure I really do anything." she said, "But I'll always do anything I can for you."

"Just talking to Cas is a big thing." he said.

"I hope it helped him. I can't help noticing he still left to avoid Jules. Do you know where he's gone?"

"No, but we can find out if we need to. I'm hoping he'll just drive around for a while and then come home."

"If you called him, would he come back?"

"I think so. I hope so. He's not pretending this is anything other than avoidance."

"How long should we wait before we worry?" she said.

"I think I'll just worry now." he said.


	49. Chapter 49

  
The drive to Ionia was easy and pleasant for Jack, despite his concern for Jules. She didn't question him about Castiel or try to enlist his help, though he would gladly have done anything to assist them both. Instead, she spoke about the chickens and the rooster they had not intended to buy, but had found irresistably cute and funny. "I'm calling him Gabriel." she said, "Unless that seems inappropriate."

He remembered his brief time with his unusual uncle and he smiled. "I think he'd like that." he said.

"He's a little bit of a showman. Loves attention. A real sweetheart when you get to know him."

"I think you picked the right name." said Jack.

She smiled at him. "It's good that you're coming to the farm. Sarah's been unhappy, worrying about Dean and Sam and Cas. I know she'll feel better when she's seen you and I think seeing her will be good for you."

"It always is." he said, "I love Sarah."

"You're a good kid, Jack." said Jules.

The silence that followed was in no way oppressive or troubling. It was the easy silence of people who understood each other without the need for discussion. Jules had a way of accepting him just as he was, nephilim powers or not. She didn't dwell on his abilities or the loss of them. She treated him as just Jack and that made it easier now that his powers were gone, because she still seemed the same around him. Everyone else looked at him as if he were something damaged and defective or as if he had become suddenly fragile.

As soon as the Jeep pulled up outside the farm, Sarah came out to greet them, wearing a blue apron marked with flour. She hugged Jack warmly and he felt stronger and much safer immediately. "I've been worried about you." she said, "Everything that happened must have been such a shock to you."

"I'm fine." he said. It felt true for the first time in days. He looked into the kindly blue eyes and said, "It was a shock. I'm weak now. I'm human." He remembered he was talking to humans and said, "I'm not saying humans are weak ... "

Jules took his arm. "We know, Jack. Come to the kitchen, where the cookies are."

He went with her. Behind him, Sarah said, "Would you like some milk with them, Jack?"

"Yes please." he said.

When they were sitting at the table with milk and cookies for Jack and Jules and Sarah having her cookies with tea from a small china teapot, sh said to him, "You look tired, my dear. Are you having trouble sleeping?"

"A little." he said, "But mostly, I sleep too much, I think. I feel weird. My body feels heavy, like it's an effort just to sit up."

"And do you feel well, apart from being tired?"

He wasn't sure how to answer that. He'd never been human before, or close to it and he was uncertain what was normal for humans and what might be a sign of something badly wrong.

Sarah saw his confusion and smiled. "It must be hard to know how you are when you're not used to any of this."

"It is." he said, grateful for her understanding. He took another cookie. "These cookies are so good, Sarah!"

"Bless you, Jack. You're always so kind. I'm glad you decided to come here. I know there's a lot happening at the bunker."

"A lot of nothing." he said, "We can't find Michael and we can't free Dean and now that I have no powers, I'm just one more thing for Sam to worry about. I wanted to kill Michael in his world. I was going to do it, but Lucifer talked me out of it. Now, of course, I know why." He turned to Jules. "I'm sorry. After all he did to your world, I never should have let him escape."

"This is not your fault, Jack." she said, "You helped to get us all out of there. If you'd gone after Michael, maybe we wouldn't have made it out. Then, live or die, I would never have had a chance to know Cas and Cas is the first good thing to happen to me in years."

Jack smiled. "I love it that you still love him, even though he's being such a ... "

"He can't help it." said Jules.

"No, I know, but I don't think everyone would be so understanding."#

"It goes both ways. He's been very understanding about my issues with angels. He understands why I don't want to pray to him. I wish I could now. I wish I could tell him I love him when he's far away."

"You could text him." said Jack.

"I could, but I don't know if he reads them."

"He does, every single one."

"Well in that case, excuse me." she said and she left the room.

When she had gone, Sarah said, "Don't worry too much about those two. They're going to be fine. They just need a little time.

"You've known Castiel for a long time, haven't you?"

"Some years now." she said.

"Has he ever been worse than he is now?"

"When I first met him, he thought he had betrayed Heaven and endangered Earth and he believed that Dean would never forgive him."

"And that was worse than this?"

"I don't know, but it was bad."

"He goes out alone at night. He just sits in the dark and thinks. I hate it when I know he's alone, because all that thinking never leads to anything good."

"No, he needs to be around people that love him. I keep telling him that. If he'd just come home at night, he could have all the love he needs. We'd help him to see that he's good. We see it clearly enough."

"I try to make him talk to Jules. He just refuses. It's like he's afraid to face her. I keep telling him that she loves him, but he just asks me what I know about relationships and the truth is, I know nothing."

Sarah patted his hand. "You know a lot about people. I never met anyone with so much empathy for others."

"I can't fight Michael. I don't stand a chance of saving Dean. I need to be able to help Castiel."

"Jack, you help him just by caring. Your friendship is so important to him."

"I wish I knew where he is. I don't want him alone in some miserable place, remembering all the things he blames himself for."


	50. Chapter 50

Cas didn't like to think about his motivations for some things. He feared that they never reflected well on him. His reason for being in the car was simple cowardice. He needed not to be around Jules, though he ached to be in her presence. His reasons for the choice of destination were less clear and he was not sure at all that he wanted to explore them.

Stull Cemetery was not a happy place for him. It wasn't that there were only bad memories - in some ways, that would be less troubling - but there were no memories of that place unalloyed with sorrow. They had beaten Lucifer, but at unbearable cost. Dean had opened his mind to him there, unwittingly opening the mind link too and bringing about the close mental communion that had first confused and tormented them both, riddled with guilt and misapprehension as they had been and had then become vital to them, before leaving Cas, at least, bereft when Michael had killed it.

It was a place that seemed calculated to awaken his darkest feelings and impulses and he knew how calculating that part of his mind could be that wanted him to surrender to despair and accept an empty, hollow, hopeless life as the price of his many sins. The tiny part of his mind that wanted him to live and love and participate in life as if he were human, or at least not as fallen as it was possible to be, was less calculating and more of a ... well, Dean's word seemed to fit best ... dumbass. The clever, cruel conscience was making all the decisions, because it was thinking clearly.

He stopped the car, still an hour away from the cemetery and got out. Sam would not have approved of his choice of destination and Jack, he knew, hated the fact that he wouldn't see Jules. He knew Sarah would say it was part of his self-destructive side and he could not in good conscience claim that she would be wrong. Dean would hate him going there.

And that, he knew, was part of the point, because as much as he wanted to destroy himself at times, he also wanted to lash out at Dean. It was insane, when he wanted Dean safely home more than anything else, but he was still angry with him. He was angry that Dean had done the only thing he could do to safe Jack and Sam. He was angry that Dean had found the courage to do something he himself could not have considered. 

He was angry that Dean had broken his promise, even though keeping it would have condemned Sam and Jack to death and the world to Lucifer's contemptuous rule. He was angry because he was afraid he would never see Dean again. He was angry because he had to grieve for a friend who wasn't dead, but might as well be. His anger made no sense and he was angry about that too. He was angry with himself for being irrational, unreasonable and too stupid to know his own feelings.

That thought led inevitably to Jules. A human could love her in the way she deserved. A human would understand why it hurt to love her and hurt more to be away from her. A human might not run whenever things got difficult but he was not a human and never would be, didn't even want to be. He was an angel and angels couldn't love, but did.

He did. He loved Dean and had failed to protect him. He loved Sam and could not help him. He loved Jack and had pledged to look after him and Jack was now powerless and in danger. He loved Jules and he was torturing her daily by refusing to either commit or back off and set her free. He was beginning to suspect he had loved Meg, for all his automatic denials of the possibility. Meg was dead, purely because she had cared what happened to him. Whatever the opposite of a catch was, he was that. A jinx? A curse?

He loved Sarah, had since the day she had found him wandering around her hives and had taken him into her kitchen, believed he was an angel and listened to his guilt and sorrow as if it were all she cared about. Sarah wasn't dead. He had healed her cancer, restored clear sight to eyes stricken with cataracts and given her back a family when she had been alone for so long. 

Sarah said love was worthwhile: any flavour of love. She never excluded his confused, uncertain, terrified love from that. Whenever he crumbled, she would tell him that he had a lot to offer, that he was worthy of love and worthy of feeling love for others. She loved Jules, the newly adopted daughter in her chosen family. He knew Sarah well and he knew she would never encourage him in anything that would lead to pain and heartbreak for Jules.

Every argument for the relationship was countered by his long experience of failing those he cared about. No matter what the shade and contours of his love, it struck out like a malediction. Charlie, Balthazar, Meg; all dead because of him.

He had heard his phone during the drive. He checked the new text from Jules. It said, "Love you forever." No plea to return, no criticism of his folly, just a pledge of love. He sat at the roadside and stared at the phone feeling no closer to understanding what he should do.

Anyone else would know what reply to send. He had no idea. Even, "I love you." seemed like a false promise and the absence of the loaded word, "forever" would be painfully obvious to her.

For the first time, he tried to direct a thought to Sam. "Sam?" he said.

The reply was clear in his mind. "Cas? What is it? Are you okay?"

"Not really." he said.

"Jack and Jules have gone. You can come back now."

"No. There's somewhere I have to go."

"This vagueness is never a good sign." said Sam.

"No, but giving more information would not reassure you."

"Then what do you need?" said Sam.

Cas smiled. It was so Sam, to ask only that. He was about to mention the text, but he knew what the answer would be. Sam would tell him to be honest with her and express his feelings. His feelings would not fit in a text, even if he could work out what they were. "It's not important." he said, "I just need to figure things out."

"Where are you?" said Sam.

"Where I always am," said Cas, "Between Heaven and humanity."

"That doesn't sound good." said Sam.

"I need to get back on the road. At least we know this link thing works."

"Which means we can talk later, whenever you're ready to." said Sam.


	51. Chapter 51

Although Jules had returned to the kitchen, Sarah could tell that her mind was elsewhere. She checked her phone several times, her disappointment clear every time. Finally, she said, "I'm an idiot."

"How many languages do you speak?" said Jack.

"And yet I still manage to screw up in English." said Jules. She was usually so calm and unemotional, but now, her unhappiness was painful to witness.

"What do you think you screwed up?" said Sarah.

Jules looked at her. "I said, 'Love you forever.' I'm so dumb. He hates that word."

"No, he hates that he can't promise you forever." said Sarah, "There's a difference."

"Either way, forever was the worst possible word to choose. He's not answering and that's why."

"He could just be thinking of an answer." said Jack, "Sam says he has two settings, impulsive mistakes and overthinking paralysis. Maybe he just doesn't want to make a mistake."

"You mean another mistake." said Jules.

"Now, don't talk like that." said Sarah, "You were the best decision he ever made."

"I wish he thought so."

"It's not you." said Jack.

"Jack's right." said Sarah, "Poor Castiel is very lost and confused and losing Dean broke his heart. I've seen him in his darkest times and this has to be one of the worst. And still he is sure he loves you. He's not sure of much else, but he is sure of that."

"I'm not sure he is sure of that." said Jules.

Sarah's phone rang. "It's Sam." she said, then, into the phone, "Hello, Sam."

"Hello." said Sam, "Would you like to hear some good news, Sarah?"

She looked at Jules and Jack, both troubled. "I'd love to hear some good news." she said.

"Has he found Dean?" said Jack.

"He would have said so at once." said Sarah.

"Sorry." said Sam.

Sarah nodded to Jules. "Jules, dear, why don't you introduce Jack to Gabriel and his ladies?"

Jules stood. "Come on. You can help feed them, if you like."

When Jules and Jack had gone, Sarah said, "Tell me your good news."

"Castiel and I have clear communication in coherent sentences via the mind link."

"Already?" she said.

"From the start." he said, "I don't understand how, because when he and Dean began, it was just feelings, sensations and metaphorical images. He tried to talk to me today and it was all in words. Maybe it's because less emotion is involved between him and me."

"Less emotion how?" said Sarah.

"Cas and Dean ... they've always had this crazy intensity between them. They had something special, right from the start. I mean, Dean is the reason he started thinking for himself. Dean is the human who taught him to feel like a human and to value human life. Dean was his saviour. I ... I was just there."

"I think maybe you underestimate how important being there can be. So, what did he say?"

"Nothing."

"But you said ... "

"Yes, he contacted me, mind to mind. Clearly he had something he wanted to talk about. There we were, with this crystal clear communication and he chickened out."

"But he wanted to talk. Wanted it enough to use the mind link. That has to be a good sign. Do we know where he is?"

"Currently heading east on I-70." said Sam, "My guess is he's heading for Topeka. What he wants there, I don't know."

"It seems a strange place for introspection."

"Maybe he's looking for distraction, which wouldn't be a bad thing."

"You're worried about him."

"Very, but the link worked and, as you say, he wanted to talk. He hasn't been reaching out to me even by phone recently, so it feels like a big leap forward. He trusts me a little, even if we don't have the same relationship he and Dean have."

"Maybe he trusts you more than Dean. Maybe there isn't less emotion or less concern about breaking the friendship with an ill-managed thought. Maybe the difference is that he trusts you not to respond badly to some perceived weakness or some stray piece of subconscious emotion."

"That seems unlikely. In any case, I hope it isn't that. I don't want our experiments with the mind link to make it seem I am replacing Dean or trying to, to him or to Dean."

Sarah heard the strain in his voice and wished she could lighten the terrible burden he carried. He was trying to be Dean enough for everyone, but not so Dean that anyone, including himself, could accuse him of trying to take Dean's place. He loved his winged brother, but saw himself as a poor substitute for the brother Cas needed to confide in. She felt she was juggling eggs. Sam was juggling broken plates and with every catch, they cut him deeply.

Perhaps the hardest part of it all was that he would not want it any other way. He clung to the pain. He used it to marshal his strength and focus his mind and also to assuage his undeserved guilt.

She knew how deeply he understood all the others, their grief for Dean, their anguish and their bewilderment. Whatever they needed, a listening ear, a sturdy shoulder to lean on, someone to blame, a target for random fury, he would provide.

His generous heart was with the angel travelling along I-70 and the damaged nephilim looking for comfort at the farm. It shared the pain of the hunter, missing her lover and the old lady, longing to hug a man she loved as a son. He would hide as much of his own pain as he could. He would Dean Winchester his way through it, even though he knew that tactic had harmed Dean more than it had helped him.

"Are you still there, Sarah?" he said.

"Still here." she said, "Sam, you're not a poor reflection of your brother. There is nobody else in the world like you. Castiel didn't reach out to you because he wanted a replacement for Dean, but because he knew that, whatever was on his mind, you would care."

"How do you always know what I need to hear?" he said, "Sometimes, I feel like I'm on a raft on a dark sea with no idea where the land is. You shine a light, every time. Everyone here is working on a way to find Michael. The concentration ... the effort ... "

"But you don't think they'll succeed." she said.

"I think we'll find Michael when he comes here to kill us." he admitted "But trying keeps them believing and hoping. I'm just grateful for that."

"And what keeps you believing and hoping?" she said.

"Not a damn thing." he said.

"That's what I was afraid of."

"But I'm okay. I don't need hope. I just need activity." He laughed with no trace of joy in the sound. "I sound pathetic, don't I?"

"No, you sound heroic to me."

"One minute, I know we'll get Dean back, the next I know we never will. I need my brother. It's like there's a hole in my chest that nothing can fill. It hurts, Sarah. It hurts all the time. Maybe I should follow Cas in search of distraction. Maybe all I'm doing at the bunker when I think I'm helping is distracting myself."

"What you're doing, Sam, is holding the world together for everyone else, as usual. And you're doing a fine job. Jack's coping surprisingly well, because he has you."

"How's Jules?" he said.

"Jules is strong, like you, but losing faith a little."

"Like me." he said, "I should go. I'm one step away from crying into my coffee and I hate salty coffee."

"You call me any time you need to. I need distraction too and I need to hear your voice as often as possible." said Sarah.

"Yeah. I'll keep in touch." he said.

"Castiel is wandering," she said, "But he knows where to find home."

"I hope so." said Sam.


	52. Chapter 52

Jules watched Jack approaching the chickens carefully, trying not to frighten them. They liked him and each one allowed him to stroke her in turn. Gabriel came over, protective of his flock, but soon softened when Jack spoke kindly to him and when Jack offered him some wheat kernels, Gabe seemed to consider it the start of a beautiful friendship. She wished Cas could see that. He would be proud of his gentle son.

She took a picture with her phone, but didn't send it. Further contact might seem too demanding. Jack didn't notice. He was inflating the rooster's already excessive ego with praise of his fine feathers.

Jack stood up and scattered the rest of the wheat around. "They're great." he said, "They all seem so different."

"They are." she said, "They like you. I can see you'll be useful around the farm."

He smiled. "Maybe. Maybe not." he said.

"No, seriously. You're good with them."

"Jules, can I talk to you, hunter to hunter?"

"Of course." she said, troubled by the look in his eyes.

"And you'll consider this objectively?"

"I doubt it, but I'll try."

"Do you know about Amara?" he said.

"Yes. I heard the story as part of the explanation for why Mary isn't dead."

"When Dean thought he'd have to destroy her, he became a living bomb of human souls."

"Yes. I'm glad he didn't have to go through with it. Can you imagine what would have happened if Dean had died then?"

"We're not really much better off now, are we? And if Amara had needed to be destroyed, that would have done it."

"So what are you saying?" she said, "You want Sam to try that to kill Michael?"

"No, not Sam. We lose Sam, we have nothing left."

"Good. If we tried that, Dean would die too."

"Yes. And I don't think we should do it if we can come up with any other way ... any way that gets Dean out alive. But if there is no other option ... if we need a surefire way to take Michael out ... Well, we have one person who is useless in combat and completely expendable."

"Jack, you're not expendable to any of us."

"Then how did you know who I meant?" he said, "You're acknowledging that I'm either expendable or useless and nobody else is, are they?"

"You're neither of those things. I know you meant you because you wouldn't talk so casually about sacrificing anybody else."

"Be objective. See this as a hunter and warrior, not as my friend."

"As a hunter, as a warrior, I don't throw away a good weapon. You feel weak right now, but your grace will recover. You're still a nephilim. If you blow up yourself and Dean, we waste two of our most valuable assets."

"If we can't save Dean, he's not an asset. Michael has to be destroyed."

"You think I don't know that? You think I hate him less than you do? Jack, we're all half-crazed with fear and loss and we're all clutching at stupid, useless ideas. The souls were light against the Darkness. Michael's dark, but does he count as actual darkness?"

"The force of souls under pressure, exploding or imploding or whatever, would kill just about anything."

"Not gonna happen." she said, "Even if you don't care about your own life ... "

"My life is worth nothing if it can't save everyone."

"What do you think it would do to Cas and Sam and Sarah? How much more do you think any of them can take?"

His eyes fixed on hers, a child's intensity and fear, the sorrow of a soul that had touched eternity and was now struggling to cling to any shred of life and hope. She saw his desperation to do anything to fix what he saw as his mistake, allowing Michael to live.

"A demon killed my brother." she said, "Ripped him apart. I didn't know how to fight demons then. You have to be alive, if you want a chance to defeat Michael ... properly defeat him, not just kill him along with yourself and Dean and who knows how many others. You think I want you to hide and for now, I do, but not because you're weak, because you're the only one we have strong enough to kill him."

"I cough when I run upstairs. If I walk a mile, my legs hurt."

"When your grace returns, you'll be strong again. Sometimes, heroism is enduring weakness so you can grow strong enough to win."

"Everything Michael does in this world is my fault." he said.

"No. I say it's Lucifer's." said Jules. She knew she needed to show more of her own suffering than she usually would. "Jack, I may lose Cas. Whatever he felt for me could already be gone. Or maybe he will just never be able to be who he was now Dean is gone. He's all I've got, the only good thing to happen to me in years and I have no way of holding onto him. I accept that. My own stupid fault for loving an angel. Don't ever mention your idea to him or to anyone else. He's lost enough. He can't lose you too."

"Or you." said Jack gently.

"He'll never lose me. I'll love him until I die, whether he can love me or not." she said.

"Maybe it was a dumb idea." he said.

"Any idea that ends with you dead is a dumb one." she said.

"I may die anyway. Am I even immortal anymore?"

"I don't know." she admitted, "Immortal or not, you need to take good care of yourself. Value your life, because he does."

He nodded. "Okay. I'll look for another way."

"Thanks."

"But Michael must be killed."

"Of course. No argument from me. But no suicidal acts of heroism, okay? We've had enough of those."

He turned away, looking over the fields. When he turned back, he seemed more accepting and aquiescent.

She put her hand on his shoulder. "Jack, I know you'll be a part of destroying Michael. All I'm asking is that you don't destroy yourself, which would destroy Cas."

"Okay. But don't give up on Cas. He needs you."

"I need him." she said, "And I need you alive."


	53. Chapter 53

Cas stopped for a coffee in Topeka. He didn't need the coffee or want it either, but the solitary driving allowed him to think too much and he decided that even the minor interaction of the coffee's purchase would at least give him something else to think about.

There were quite a few other people in the place and he found himself listening to their conversations. An old man was talking to his daughter about dating her mother in that very diner, a lifetime ago. A younger man was lying to his employer on the phone, pretending to be home sick. Two women were chuckling over a mutual friend's complicated love life. A small boy was telling his mother how much he needed a new bicycle and she was enthusiastically gathering the details of the one he wanted and hinting heavily that he might be happy on his coming birthday. A couple were arguing charmingly about vacation plans, coming closer to agreement as he listened.

Cas let the words fill his head, savouring the taste of human emotion, enjoying the fact that he could understand some of them. He wished he could comprehend the others and he wished that he and Jules had the kind of relationship that allowed a discussion of beaches and mountain cabins.

He wished they had any kind of normal relationship at all. Everything was so easy for humans. Every other person in that diner had the rich and varied life he longed for and they mostly seemed unaware of how lucky that made them. Seeing the old man and his daughter made him want to call Claire, but she was not his daughter. The little boy reminded him of Jack, who was not his son. When the couple clasped each other's hand and laughed, all he could think of was that whatever the location, mountains, beach or Disney resort, they would spend their vacation in romantic embraces that he might never experience with Jules.

He finished his coffee and returned to his car. As he was about to get in, a waitress from the diner whose name tag revealed her to be Jackie came over to him. "Excuse me, sir?" she said.

He wondered if the tip had been insufficient. He had thought it was a generous one. "Is there a problem?" he said.

"I just wanted to be sure you were okay. You seem a little down."

It was possible, with another potential apocalypse looming, Dean a captive, Sam a wreck and Jack helpless that he was a little down. In fact, a little down seemed pretty good under the circumstances, but he could see that she was sincere and kind and he wanted to respond in a friendly fashion. "It's been a rough week." he said, "But I'm okay, thanks."

"If you wanna talk about it, I'm on my break."

He smiled. The capacity some humans had for compassion toward strangers continued to impress him. "I lost my brother." he said. It was as close to the truth as he could go. "Learning to adapt to life without him is proving hard."

"I'll bet." she said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. Was it sudden?"

"Yes. There one minute, gone the next." he said.

"You never got to say goodbye."

"No, and I need to. I know that. I keep telling myself that the way to honour him is to live in a way that can make him proud, but he was good and strong and fearless and all the other things I'm not."

"If you're brothers, you must be a little bit the same. I'm sure he thought you were all those things."

"He thought a lot of good things about me." said Cas.

"What was his name?" she asked.

"Dean. His name was Dean."

"Well, I'm going to pray for your brother Dean and for you." she said, "Losing someone you love is never easy and you're still probably in shock about it all. Don't worry about how to honour him. You'll do that just by living. For now, just let yourself grieve. Be kind to yourself. Do you have other family?"

"Yes." he said, "I have a large family."

"Has this brought them closer together or torn them apart?"

He thought of the way each of them had offered him comfort in the midst of their own pain. "Everyone is just doing all they can to help the others." he said.

"Good. That's gonna help you all. Any time you need someone to talk to, you can always come here and ask for Jackie."

"That's kind of you, but I don't come through Topeka often."

"You have a phone?"

He gave it to her and she added her number. "In case you need a friend. This isn't a pick-up line. I'm very happily married. I'm just worried about you."

"I never suspected you of ulterior motives." he said, "I'm not married, but I'm with someone."

"That must be a comfort to you." she said.

He remembered the text, her unconditional love when he was being such a dick. "Yes, she's wonderful. I'm not easy to be around, especially now, but she understands."

"I'm sure she does."

"Thankyou. You've been very kind. I must get going."

"I hope I helped. Sometimes, I think I was put here to meet the ones who need me."

He wondered who she thought had put her there. God, he suspected, in which case, she was wrong, but it seemed rude to ask and ruder to say that he knew God was not that interested. "You helped." he said, glad that a decade with the Winchesters had taught him a degree of tact.

"Be careful on the road." she said, "And if you need to, pull over and stop. Grief can be a bad distraction when you're driving. You tend not to think of your own safety."

"I'm a very safe driver." he said, "Dean said I drive like an old lady."

They said goodbye and he got into the car. She smiled at him and he nodded to her. Other angels had often questioned why he had such an affection for humanity. He wished he could introduce them to her. Sadly, they still probably would not get it.


	54. Chapter 54

  
Sam had kept an eye on Cas's location until it became clear he had stopped in Topeka. He was curious, but didn't want to make Cas feel under surveillance, even though he was. He told himself he was going to give Cas as much space as he needed, but he knew, deep down, that if it got dark and Cas was still not home, he would go and find him.

Efforts to find a way to track Dean and Michael seemed to be going nowhere, but he encouraged the attempt as if he believed in it with his whole soul. The offworlders and local hunters were working together and they were hopeful. Any hunter only needed to know that they could help someone and they could keep going forever.

And that was his problem. He didn't have that anymore. There was nothing he could usefully do. He watched his mother encouraging the others, telling them it could only be a matter of time before Dean was rescued. Even her optimism was painful to Sam. He wanted to believe it, but he kept thinking of how hard it would hit her when they failed.

Leroy, a hunter from Wichita, came over, holding a tablet. "No activity on his phone at all. I guess archangels don't need them."

"No. At least if a demon took him, we'd have a credit card trail maybe." said Sam, "Just keep checking from time to time. If Dean breaks free, he'll try to tell us where he is somehow."

"When Dean breaks free." said his mother.

"Yeah, when." he said. He smiled at her. He couldn't save Dean, so the least he could do was take care of her. Probably the most he could do, too.

"What would a rocket propelled grenade do to an archangel, Chief?" said Leroy.

"Probably not much." said Sam, "And I'm not the chief. Dean or Bobby, yeah, but not me."

"Sorry."

"Even if it had a chance of working, we need to find a way to snap him out of his vessel. Ketch is on it."

"I trust Ketch about as far as I could throw an anvil." said Leroy.

"Yeah, I'm not a big fan myself, but we need him." said Sam, "His people had some useful technology. He's hopeful that he can get his hands on some of it."

"And he's as dead as the rest of us if we don't stop Michael." said his mother.

"Anyway," said Sam, "It keeps him out of our way."

"Good point" said Leroy, "I wish Michael had taken the car. It's a lot harder to hide than one person."

"Tell me about it." said Sam, "But Dean would hate Michael riding around in the Impala more than he hates Michael riding around in him. At least when he gets home, she'll be here, safe." He looked around the room, hunters at the computers, more at the map table with laptops and tablets, all of them glancing to him for a nod or a smile, all of them needing him to give them hope. "I have stuff I need to do. Keep looking for any use of that phone, any activity at all, Leroy."

"You got it, Chief."

He almost argued, then decided it wasn't worth it. He headed to Dean's room, walking with purpose, keeping his back straight, in case anyone saw him. Only when he had closed the door behind him did his shoulders slump and he ran a hand through his hair.

"Where the hell are you, Dean?" he said quietly. He thought about trying to contact Cas via the mind link, but Cas was already unhappy. He just had to push it all down again. Dean would. Dean had no time for self-pity. If he were there ... 

But he wasn't there and where he was, there was torture as bad as he had endured in Hell. Sam remembered the slither of Lucifer's thoughts around his head, the pounding force of his will, the struggle just to continue to exist with that cold, selfish personality overwhelming his. And he had accepted it willingly, to save the world from the danger he had unleashed. Dean had thought he would be free of it after killing Lucifer. He knew there was a risk, but he had not been fully prepared as Sam had been.

He had always thought nothing was worse than being a host to Lucifer. It was something he had always thought he would never agree to again, the most terrible thing he had experienced. Now he knew there was something worse: his brother being archangel-infested and Dean had always valued the integrity of his soul, his humanity, his individuality. What was happening to him must be unbearable.

"You need to come back." he said, "I'm cracking up. I fell apart yesterday and Sarah and Cas saw. You need to get back before the whole crew find out I'm not who they think. I can handle anything, with you here, but alone ... " His voice trailed off. Even to an absent Dean, he couldn't say the words in his head, "I'm a scared little kid."

Alone. He was far from that. He could call any of the others and they'd be ready to listen. There was a crusader fortress in his head, created by an angel so he had a place where he could be honest without feeling exposed. The farm was a perfect sanctuary for all of them. Jody, Donna or Garth would listen for as long as he needed them to. Even without involving his mother, he had a large, supportive family who loved him and who knew his act was just an act.

He was not alone, he was without Dean, but Dean had always been all he needed and without him, even the simplest things seemed impossible. "You left me." he said.

The room's silence taunted him. The brother who had never let him down was now betraying him by not being there, perhaps by being dead or buried so deeply under the archangel that he would never emerge. "Jerk." said Sam.

There was no cocky grin. No swift reply. He had never wanted to hear the word "Bitch" so much in his life.


	55. Chapter 55

Sarah found Jack and took him to the parlour. She felt uneasy about the dark edges of his eyes and the way he kept rubbing at his arm or his shoulder, as if in pain. He looked a little too frail and she tried to convince herself it was just that she knew he was human and vulnerable now, but her maternal instinct kept telling her it was something else.

"How are you feeling, Jack?" she said.

He looked at her, meeting her eyes and considering for a moment before giving the Winchester answer. "I'm fine." he said.

"Hmm." she said.

He smiled. "Well, apart from being human now."

"Do you feel tired?" she said.

"It's my own fault. I was reading late into the night. Sometimes, I get caught up in the lore. We have so many books and I want to learn everything."

She watched him closely for signs that he was lying. His eyes were a little too fixed on hers. Nephilim and angels didn't give off the same cues and signs as humans. Sometimes they seemed off just because they were unfamiliar with human interaction.

"Jack, you wouldn't pretend to be fine if there were something wrong, would you? Not to me?"

"I think I'm okay." he said, "I get too tired because I'm never sure how much rest I need now that I can't just draw health and vitality from the universe. I never knew I was doing that until it stopped. I used to eat for pleasure, now it's a matter of survival." He looked into her eyes again and said, "I don't want you to worry about me."

"Well, I always will, my dear. I love you very much."

"I may no longer be immortal. If my grace takes too long to return, I may age and die. Or I could catch a disease and die. I could be shot and die." He spoke without fear, preparing her for the loss, not seeking pity or reassurance.

"You seem relaxed about it." she said.

"No, not at all. Jules is scared of the possibility that I could die, because she knows what it could do to Castiel. It's the last thing he needs right now and he doesn't need to think about it either, so I try not to put the thought in his head. I'm not afraid to die, only to leave all of you behind."

She looked at one of the many photos of Carl. "To lose a child," she said, "Is a pain I would not wish on anyone. When my son died, my life stopped for over seven years. I was alone in this house. I wandered around like a ghost ... no, like Castiel. I cried until my throat was raw and my face clammy with tears. I cried until there were no tears left to cry and then I lay on my bed and cried out for my child."

Tears shone in Jack's eyes. His tender heart could not help but share in others' pain. "I'm so sorry." he said.

She took his hand. "Castiel gave me other children to love, two brave Winchesters, a fallen angel better than anything Heaven had left, a daughter as dear to me as any child of my blood and you, my sweet nephilim."

"You've always been so good to me. I always feel this is my second home." he said.

She released his hand. Normally, he almost glowed with life and spirit, but now he seemed pale and drawn. 

"If anything happened to you, my heart would break, child. Castiel would never get over it. Value your life as we value it and take good care of yourself." She brushed his hair behind his ear and said, "And that means sleeping and eating and telling us when something's wrong."

"The wrongest thing of all is Michael taking Dean from us." he said.

"Yes, for all of us. But Dean will come back to us. He's far too strong for Michael to defeat. He's driven by the purest love and Michael is driven by spite and envy. It matters, what impels someone to act. The motives shape the end, always."

"I like that." he said, "That means you think we'll win."

"Yes, I do. It may not be easy and it may not be fast, but it will happen. When it does, we'll celebrate. We'll have a big party, whatever Dean says."

"Dean may come back different." said Jack.

"It's possible. Then we must help him come back to who he is." she said, "What he's going through would change anyone, but I never met anyone so sure of who he is and who he is meant to be. People get lost in their trauma, but Dean has been dealing with trauma his whole life."

"What if this is too much for him?"

"Dean went through Hell and came out Dean." said Sarah. She looked at Carl's photo again, seeing a lot of similarities between her son and this gentle child. Just a few years old, yet bearing the weight of responsibilities and concerns that most adults never had to face. "As soon as Dean is home, he'll have all the support he needs. If he wants, he can live here for a while. I promise, I will look after him."

"If we can get him back." said Jack.

"Sam is determined and Sam never gives up."

"If we fail ... "

"When do you ever fail? How many times have the Winchesters saved the whole world? And we only have to save Dean."

"We're saving the whole world too. If Michael isn't stopped, this world will end up like the other one. Sarah, that place was a wasteland. There was nothing left."

"And you still fought there."

"Brave people needed my help." he said. He never saw himself as a hero. Them, he saw as heroes. He didn't see what she and Castiel saw in him, a braver heart than any, a willingness ... an eagerness to put himself at the service of others, whatever the cost to him.

"We all find our way to our own private wasteland." she said, "It's hard and hopeless and it feels like there's no point in fighting on. When you got to yours, you fought and you won. You saved people. The son of Lucifer became the servant of man. Keep that strength and courage."

"I'm trying to." he said, "But it was a lot easier when I had godlike powers."

"Yes, it must have been. You're still a Winchester, though, aren't you?"

He smiled. "I am."

"And Winchesters stride onto the wasteland like kings and they never, ever give up. They just always keep fighting. Wars end and the wasteland isn't infinite and when you get to the end and you're still fighting, that's how you win. You'll always win, Jack, just like Sam and Dean will always win."

"They haven't always won." he said.

"Yes they have, because the fight isn't over until our side wins. Nothing ends until we say it does."

"That sounds like something Dean would say." said Jack.

"Well, he's very much on my mind lately and forever in my heart. We'll see him again soon."

"You really think so?"

"Thinking doesn't come into it. I know."


	56. Chapter 56

"Screw your conscience." Jules had told him and Cas was beginning to see her point. It was nagging at him again, telling him he had been wrong to let Jackie think Dean was dead. It was a lie. He felt he had taken advantage of her kindness to indulge a grief he had no right to feel.

It hadn't felt like a lie.

He told himself that the grief was real, the sense of bereavement as genuine as if Dean had died in front of him. He hadn't been tricking her. Just for once, for one brief moment of his life, someone had reached out to him in an act of compassion and he had desperately needed to talk about it. Was that truly so wrong?

His conscience told him it was wrong and weak and selfish. He was a shepherd, not some quivering lamb to be sheltered by the flock. He was here to serve these people, not to burden them with his pain or curse them with his love.

But Jackie had been so kind and had not seemed burdened. She seemed happy that he had not merely slammed the car door and driven away, affronted by her intrusive kindness. Her smile as he left had crinkled the edges of her eyes and a light had shone in them, as if helping him blessed her with something he could not understand, but longed to.

So screw that overbearing conscience! So, he had connected with another being, cast off his angelic authority and celestial pride, escaped the sense of inferiority he always felt around these perfect creatures and engaged on equal terms with someone who liked him without needing a reason and offered friendship because she thought he needed it. Was that a sin? How could it be?

And if accepting that love was not sinful, was it bad to let Jules love him? Was it wrong to love her? His conscience said it was not his mission and might distract from it, but what was his mission now? Did he even still have one? Which his conscience saw as proof he was distracted from it.

Stull Cemetery came into sight and he rang the bell in his head that acted as the kill switch. He could not be sure of keeping his feelings under control and didn't want any undisciplined thought to worry Sam more than he already had. 

He parked the car just outside the gate and went in on foot. He had been right to be suspicious of his own motives. The place seemed to breathe out pain for him. Every stone he could see reminded him of Dean and Sam and Adam and every loss and failure and the high cost of every success. 

He felt a strong urge to drape his coat over a stone, the lighter, the picture and his phone in the pockets and then scream abuse at Heaven and God and himself until he summoned up enough anger to overcome the prohibition about suicide that was built into his most fundamental being and make an end of it all with the angel blade. This place was the one place on the planet where he might actually be able to do that.

His conscience wanted him to do it. His exhausted heart begged him to do it. It hurt to lose and it hurt to love. There was nothing in this world of human emotion, into which he should never have been able to enter, that was not painful to him.

He was nothing and he had pretended to be more. He was an oathbreaker, a traitor, a murderer and a monster. Dean and Sam had both called him brother. Jules loved him. Jack had chosen him for a father. Claire had gone from fury to hatred to forgiveness to love. 

He was Castiel, angel of the Lord, only not, anymore, serving the Lord or Heaven or humanity. So was he still Castiel? Was he still an angel? Was anybody still an angel, since the fall? Had anyone ever been what he thought angels were meant to be?

Castiel was a name with a lot of baggage and maybe it would be better to let it go, along with everything it represented. Maybe he should go by Cas, the name Dean had always called him. Sam used it too and Jules whispered it to him in the dark when they shared a bed and pretended they could share a life.

Sarah called him Castiel. Jack and Mary tended to use the long form of his name too. It was not a name entirely reviled. Even he, in his most self-loathing moments did not wholly hate the name, just the flawed nature of he angel who owned it. As an angel, he was defective. As a man, he was deranged. As a lover, he was cowardly. As a brother, he was fallible. The best he could say was that his intentions had always been the best, but he could not recall a single good decision in his life.

The angel blade slid into his hand as if of its own volition. The cool metal soothed the heat of his fever of fear, failure and doubt. Here was a cure for all his ills, atonement for all his sins. It was a way to stop feeling. He desperately wanted not to feel the loss of Dean and not to fear the loss of Jules. One firm thrust of the blade and it would be over.

It wouldn't be over, of course, for the others and they would know that he had left them by choice. If Dean returned, he would not be there to help him heal. If he didn't, he would not be there to help Sam come to terms with his loss or to help in the defeat of Michael. Suicide, however tempting it might be, would solve no-one's problems but his own. 

He had told himself that his hesitation over Jules was because he didn't want her to get hurt, but nothing would hurt her like that cold, absolute rejection. If he chose that way out, he admitted that his reasons for holding back had been purely selfish ... that everything in him was selfish.

Sarah hated suicide. She hated anything that devalued life, that killed the chance for growth and healing. She always said life was worth the struggle, even if it were hard. As long as you were alive, things could get better, but Dean was lost and might never make it home and Cas didn't know how to live without his friend, guide and brother. He didn't want to learn.

He stared at the angel blade. He saw a small reflection of his face. Someone's face, anyway. He wasn't sure he had enough of an identity to claim it. Maybe it was Jimmy's face, maybe Castiel's. Sometimes, he hated to look at that face in the mirror, but those he loved smiled when they saw it. There were people who would shed tears if he didn't come home.


	57. Chapter 57

  
Sam managed to resist checking Cas's location until fairly late in the afternoon. When he did, in the library, he muttered, "Oh, crap!"

"What is it?" said Mary.

"Stull Cemetery." he said.

She knew part of what that meant, but not all. None of them had ever told her of their second visit there when bad dreams had forced him to leave the bunker and something had made him want to run there, with his two brothers.

"Cas?" she said.

"Yes. Topeka must have been just a stop on the way. I should go there."

"It's three hours away, probably more."

As soon as he tried to use the mind link, he found it deactivated. The whole point of the kill switch was to give them privacy and control. He wanted to phone and demand an explanation, but knew that would not be in the spirit of their agreement.

"He's alone, in the worst place possible."

"If he wanted to ... " she began.

"Angel blade." he said, "He always has it with him. I can't call him. I sort of promised not to."

"I didn't." she said. She called his phone. "Voicemail." she whispered to Sam. "Hey, Castiel, this is Mary. Could we have coffee together tomorrow? I don't want to bother Sam."

Sam nodded his admiration. "Appealing to his sense of duty. I like it!"

"He doesn't give a damn about his own mental health, but if he thinks somebody needs him ... "

"I think you just passed Angel Psychology, with honours."

She smiled. "Works on human hunters too."

"Mary Winchester, you are a skilled manipulator."

"Have you ever tried to get Dean to eat his vegetables?"

"Actually, I have."

She looked at the map on the screen. "What do you suppose he's thinking?"

"Nothing good." said Sam.

"Jules will be here any minute with Jack. What do we tell her?"

"Suddenly, I have the urge to avoid her too." he said, "I just wish I could give her some good news."

"She probably needs to know. If you're afraid she'll give up on him, don't be. She's not the type."

"No, you're right."

Jules and Jack turned up twenty minutes later. Jack put a glass jar filled with cookies in front of Sam. "Cookies!" he said, "And I've tried some and they were so good!"

"You wanna help me make supper?" Mary said to him.

"Yes!" said Jack, following her from the room.

Jules looked at Sam. "He's not here, is he?"

"He hasn't been back all day." he said, "I'm not sure what state of mind he's in now. He called in some hours ago. He was okay then, but not a great okay."

"Where is he?" she said.

"Right now? Stull Cemetery."

"What's that?"

"The battlefield for our first apocalypse."

"Oh." she said.

"He'll be back soon. Mom told him she wants to have coffee with him tomorrow."

He saw the hurt in her eyes at the news that someone else's need to talk to him mattered.

"He's not in love with Mom." he said.

"Shouldn't that make him less likely to meet her and more likely to come home to me?"

"Our shoulds don't really apply to angels." he said.

"I still forget that." she said.

"We all do sometimes." he said, "You understand him pretty well."

"So how did things go down on your battlefield? How bad are the memories he's gone back to?"

"He's never told you?" He regretted saying it at once, uncertain how she would take it. "I mean ... "

"I know some of it. I know you dragged Lucifer into the cage. He never says much about his apocalypse, I never say much about mine. Maybe that's part of our problem. We're always dancing around the edges of each other's pain."

Sam didn't think that sounded like much of a problem. "I think all hunter couples have to do that sometimes."

"I love the way you talk as if we're normal. Have you ever known a hunter couple to work out? Even a human hunter couple?"

"Yes, I have. I'm not saying they all do, or most, but some make it. There are no guarantees for any couple, even civilians, but you two care so much about each other. Cas never wants anything for himself, never has, but he wants this."

"I shouldn't bother you with our stuff." she said

"Your stuff is important. To answer your question, Cas died at Stull Cemetery, disintegrated. Bobby died briefly too. I almost beat Dean to death and then dropped into Hell with Lucifer and Michael."

"Lucifer almost beat Dean to death." she said.

"Yes, that's what I said." 

They exchanged a look, common to hunters, that wordlessly conveyed their mutual understanding. He knew what he had said and so did she, but she wasn't going to make him admit it. Hunters dancing around the edges again.

"If you want to stay here until he gets back ... " he began.

"If he's avoiding me, he'd never come back if he knew or suspected I was here and if I trick him and he comes and finds me here, he'll just leave again and he'll resent me. I already messed up. I used the word forever."

"And he had a problem with that?"

"He didn't text back. I'm not asking him to promise forever. I'm not asking him to promise anything. I know he can't, but I can. But when I did, no answer."

"He's not in a great place, emotionally or geographically."

"Like I said, I shouldn't bother you with this. I'm okay. We'll be okay. Sarah helps so much. I just miss him. I keep thinking of all the stupid things he could do if I'm not around."

"I think about those things too. He's safe for tonight, though. Mom told him she needs to talk to him tomorrow."

"Is that enough?" she said.

"I think so. If he thinks someone needs him, self-destruction will seem like an indulgence. Sometimes that crazy sense of obligation works in our favour."


	58. Chapter 58

Cas wandered amongst the various grave markers, reading some of the names on them, wondering what family had stood in the cemetery to watch them surrendered to the earth in a final farewell. He had not been able to say goodbye to Dean or, if he were dead, to bury his body or watch it burn. Their last words together had been a disagreement about what Dean should do and Dean's cold dismissal of his opinion.

It hadn't been cold or dismissive, he admitted. Dean had known he was breaking his promise and even when he felt he had no time to spare, he had tried to explain. Cas knew, rationally, that Dean had seen no other option and he knew in his heart that Dean hated breaking his word to him. It still felt like a rejection. Dean had not listened to him.

He had not listened because Cas had no better idea to offer, but maybe, given a moment, he could have thought of one. How was any idea worse than the one Dean had gone with, giving his body to an archangel? Nothing could be more stupid than to trust a celestial.

Tears misted his vision, but he blinked them away. His friendship had not been a factor in Dean's mistake. That was one thing for which he didn't need to blame himself. Dean had never been confused about the angels. He knew they were dicks. He had known exactly how dangerous and stupid it was to trust one. Castiel had himself betrayed Dean and he was his best friend.

Because angels did that. Angels were dicks. Jules knew that too, though he hadn't told her half of what he had done personally. 

He knew he shouldn't let himself think about that, about the improbable nature of their love and all her reasons not to trust him. Of course, that was the whole reason why he had run away to avoid having to face her. It preyed on his mind whenever he failed to find a distraction and it was hard to distract a mind designed to monitor the mechanisms of the universe.

His eyes happened upon the gravestone of a couple from the end of the 19th century. "Reunited." it said after the name and dates of the widowed wife. It might be true, it might not, but even if an illusion, there must have been comfort in it for the family. He had not even the illusion. Even if their relationship worked and lasted, it would end on death, his or hers. The Empty would take him into an eternal, dreamless, memory-free sleep into which even the shadow of her would never appear and Heaven's empty theme park would entrap her in happy memories, letting her play in a sandbox that felt like reality. So much for happily ever after.

Dean didn't believe in happily ever after either. He never had. Before he had known about romantic love, he had seen his mother die and seen his father destroyed by her death. To him, love was a dangerous wager that he wanted no part of. Keep things shallow. Go for pleasure, not lasting joy. A man who had never run from or even disliked risk when it came to physical danger was almost proud of being an emotional coward.

Dean was right. It was easier not to go chasing after lifelong happiness. A simple acceptance that neither hunters nor angels could have that was more sensible. He'd tried to be sensible. He'd tried cold logic. He'd tried being realistic. She was a hunter. He was an angel. She had fought a war against angels and he had done things that would make her feel she had dealt with them too gently. All logic and reason said this could only end in heartbreak for both and he deserved it, he knew he did, but he had no right to inflict it on her.

Dean was always right and Dean had told him to try. Dean may not believe in love for himself, but he believed that Jules and Cas might have a chance and Dean had always advised him against doing stupid things ... not that he had ever listened ... but Dean had always been right. Now he had advised him to go after the thing he most wanted. He wanted to listen. He wished he could talk it over one more time with Dean and hear him again repeat the advice he wanted to follow.

He couldn't follow it, because it involved another person. His happiness or otherwise was fairly irrelevant. He had never been designed to experience it and if he found it, it would exist for a short time and then be lost, a glittering drop in the grey ocean of eternity. Jules had the intended human capacity to feel happiness and it was possible that she could find it far more easily with a human than with a neurotic, confused, guilt-ridden, dumbass angel.

He knew that. He knew all of it. He marched across the hill above the bunker at night to the cold rhythm of his recitation of it all. He could have given a four hour lecture on why he could not and should not seek happiness with any human, much less a survivor of celestial conflict like Jules. But when she smiled, his stomach flipped and when she said his name, he heard it free of the burden of shame. Every touch of her hand on his, every kiss, every secret joke, every cryptic text, made him want to be brave.

He remembered Dean constantly telling him he should be with Jules, getting impatient and angry when he said he was unworthy or could not have love. Sam said the same things, but Dean said them with more force behind them. Sam was a little lacking in force, stricken with grief as he was.

He needed Dean. He would always need Dean. He wasn't even sure he was capable of independent thought. Maybe he just got pushed along by Dean and every time he tried a thought or action Dean had not suggested or approved, things went wrong. Things always went wrong.

The anger surging through him took him by surprise. Many of his emotions did. He still struggled with the basics of emotion and the way they could sneak up on him without warning was disturbing. He wasn't sure for a moment of the object of his anger, but then he understood. He was angry with Michael, who had taken Dean, whose soldiers had mistreated Jules, whose vanity and need for power that was never his to claim had destroyed one world and threatened this one. He wished he had the power to hurt Michael, even a little, but he knew he did not.

He went to the area where he had immolated the Michael of his universe, just before Lucifer had atomised him. He looked at the ground and said, "Michael, I'm glad you're in there. That's where you belong. That's where all of you belong. Every last Michael and Lucifer is a curse on creation and an abomination. Dean is worth more than all of you combined. I believed in you, Michael. I believed in God. Not anymore. Now I believe in Dean Winchester. I believe in Sam and Jack." 

Just saying the words hurt. The loss of faith and hope and Dean combined to become unbearable. He fell to his knees, not in worship, but in despair. He had been alone for billions of years, unfriended, unwanted and he had never cared, because he had not known what it was to be loved. Now he did and he felt more alone than he ever had before.

More than three hours away, Jules was waiting for him to stop running and turn for home. He didn't need to be alone. It was a choice. The fact that he was making that choice, over and over, did not make him feel good.


	59. Chapter 59

It seemed best to Cas that he leave Stull behind. His multi-stream angelic mind was now running many different strands of self-loathing, loss, guilt and anxiety. He needed comfort. He needed company. He needed to be sitting in the back of the Impala with Jack as Sam and Dean argued in the front. He was hours from Sam and Jack and had no hope of reaching Dean. Some 25 minutes away was Lawrence, where Sam and Dean had been born. It was a tenuous link to them, but a better one than the drab desolation of Stull Cemetery.

He stopped at the address where Dean had spent the only truly happy years of his life. He imagined Dean playing in the yard, running along the path, being held and loved and reassured by parents who would have done anything to keep him safe. Mary had died protecting Sam, John had given his life and soul and revenge in return for Dean's life. That was love - Winchester love - fierce and unconditional and sometimes angry. 

He watched the house for some time, imagining the brief span of Dean's innocence and happiness and remembering his own. He remembered first understanding that he could think for himself, reject Heaven's plan and choose to ally himself with Dean's. His compliance had been hesitant, his reliability questionable, as his newly formed conscience argued with his programming and the bright, clear mission in his head had warred with the powerful loyalty and love in his heart. 

A woman's face appeared at the window and he decided he should leave, but he felt a little better for his visit to the beginning of their lives. It felt healthier than hanging around where they had won a battle by losing everything else.

It was time to head back to Lebanon. Just a few minutes into the return journey, he saw a car at the side of the road. A tired-looking man was crouching beside a front wheel and a bored six year old was sitting on a slab of concrete, watching him. Cas was pleased with himself for recognising that there was something wrong. He parked behind their car and went to assist.

"I like your car." said the child.

"Thankyou." said Cas, "I'm glad someone does."

"She has a toy one just like it." said her father.

"Do you need help?" said Cas.

"Somehow, we have a flat." he said.

"That's good." said Cas, he saw the man's expression and said, "I mean that's something I can fix. If you have a spare, I can change it for you."

"I do." said the man, "I can help. I'm just not great at this stuff."

"No need to help." said Cas, "I'm stronger than I look." 

The man shook his hand. "Greg Webster."

"Cas." said Cas.

The little girl got up from her seat and said, "I'm Philippa."

He shook her hand solemnly, charmed by her friendliness.

"People try to call me Pip," she said, "But I don't let them."

"Good." said Cas, "Philippa is a fine name and you know better than anyone who you should be."

"I do." she said, smiling a conspiratorial smile.

He followed Greg to the trunk and took out the spare without much effort. "You are stronger than you look." said Greg, "Thanks for this."

"I like to be useful." said Cas.

Philippa watched him go back to the wheel. "Are you an angel?" she said.

He almost dropped the tyre.

Her father laughed nervously. "Sorry, she comes up with things like that sometimes. Vivid imagination. I don't want to discourage her so much, because it seems like a good thing to have. No, honey, he's not an angel. He's just a good man." He looked worn out. 

Cas gestured to the concrete slab. "Sit down. Take a break. Philippa and I can do this, can't we, Philippa?"

"I never did a wheel before." she said.

"You need to watch to make sure I get it right." he said.

"Oh, I can do that. I'm very good at that." she said. Greg sat gratefully on the slab. 

She waited until he had removed the old tyre and was moving the new one into place and then said, "What happened to your wings?"

"It's been a rough few years for angels." he said.

"Do they hurt?" she said. Her concern touched his heart.

"No, not at all." he said.

"Will they grow back?" she said.

"I hope so." he said. Greg was smiling at him. He thought he was humouring the child. "Don't tell anyone I'm an angel." he said, "I'm on a special mission."

Her eyes widened. "What's the mission?" she said.

He smiled. "Making the world better for people like you." It seemed a fair, child-friendly summary of the work of the Winchesters.

Philippa seemed satisfied with the answer and he was able to complete his work without further questions. He checked that everything was tight and secure, feeling a pang of nostalgia for the time when Dean had made him watch and then try for himself, until Dean was certain he could be trusted to replace his own tyres if he needed to.

When he had finished, he nodded to Philippa, who walked around, examining the wheel before saying, "That's right."

"Thanks." he said.

Greg stood. "You're good with cars. I wish I had the skill."

"A friend taught me." said Cas, glad it had not been anything that required delving under the hood, which remained a mystery to him.

"You're good with kids too. You have kids of your own?"

"Two." said Cas, with less hesitation than he would have expected, "Claire and Jack."

"How old are they?"

"Oh, pretty much grown up." he said, "Claire lives with family in South Dakota while she gets her education and Jack ... he's with me."

"We waited years for Philippa. To tell you the truth, we had a lousy few years of unemployment and debt and almost losing our home. Then, it got better and suddenly Philippa was on the way and when she was born ... Kids make it all worthwhile, don't they? Just having that little person that loves you. Family is everything. She says Daddy and I just melt."

"She's a sweet child." said Cas.

"I'm not sweet." said Philippa, "I'm feisty."

"Yes, you are, sweetie." said Greg. He smiled at Cas, "I'm trying not to discourage that, either."

"It's a good thing to be." said Cas. He thought of Jules, the hunter, the badass. She was, to him, everything a human should be. 

"I like your halo." said Philippa, "It just got really bright."

Greg raised his eyebrows, amused by her imagination. Cas looked at her eyes, wondering what rendered him so easily visible to some people and not others. He wondered if thinking of Jules always brightened the light around him. It was difficult to know.

He knew one thing. He needed his family. He needed Jules. He suspected he had come to this end of Kansas seeking an excuse to give up. Instead, he felt a need to go home and stop trying to pretend he could survive without those he loved.

He said goodbye to his companions of the roadside, assuring Greg that he owed him nothing. He got into his car and began the journey home via Topeka, where he had something to do.

Later, parked in Topeka, he listened to the voicemail from Mary and then called Sam. The answer was immediate. Of course, Sam would be monitoring the phones for any news of Dean, but still, hearing his voice say, "Cas! Are you okay?" felt good.

"I'm fine." he said. 

The pause that followed was heavy with doubt. He could hear Sam not asking countless questions before he came up with, "Where are you?"

"Topeka." said Cas.

"So, what are you doing there?" said Sam.

"Waiting for something. It's not important. Well, it's important, but not relevant to you." Now it was his turn to hesitate. Sam probably knew the link was closed. "I closed the link. I need to keep it closed for a while."

"Okay." said Sam. He had promised never to require an explanation, but the question hung in the air unsaid.

"It's not bad." said Cas, "I just needed some time alone and then, tonight, I won't be back at the bunker."

"Cas, maybe you should reconsider. I think maybe you've spent too much time alone today."

"I concur." said Cas, "I've decided to go to the farm and talk to Jules, so I need some privacy."

"Of course. And I'm glad you're doing that. So, the thing you're waiting for ... "

"A gift for Jules."

"That's good. Not a farewell gift, I hope?"

"I'm done with farewells." said Cas.

"Good. Will you be spending the night at the farm?"

"I don't know yet." said Cas, "Do you want me to call when I know?"

"No. If you don't come back, I'll expect to see you sometime tomorrow." said Sam, "I'm glad you're okay. You worried me today."

"I worried myself too. I think now I have a little more perspective."

"Glad to hear it."

"Please tell Mary I got her message. I'll call her tomorrow."

"I'll tell her. Drive safe, Cas."

"I always do. I'm sorry I caused you anxiety."

"Don't be sorry for that, ever. You matter to us."

"And you matter to me, always." said Cas. He ended the call. They were thin and fragile-seeming, the threads that held him to this world and to life around the humans, but there was a strength in them greater than he had realised. 


	60. Chapter 60

It was late when he reached Ionia and the farmhouse was in darkness. Cas parked his car next to the Jeep. He had just closed the car door when he saw Sarah looking out of the window of her son's bedroom. She had good hearing and slept lightly. She waved to him and he waved back. He understood. She was there if he wanted to talk, but was not rushing to greet him. She had a talent for knowing when she was needed and when to stand aside.

He let himself into the house and went quietly up the stairs. He knew he should have forgotten the stealth, as he planned to wake Jules anyway, but it seemed discourteous to do so with a noisy approach.

He needn't have worried. As he opened the door, he saw the gleam of a blade and her eyes, bright and alert. She was ready to fight.

He raised his hands to chest height and said, "I acknowledge your fully justified irritation, but that knife won't work on me."

"Cas?" she said. She turned on the light. "It wasn't intended for you. I don't see in the dark like you do. I wasn't expecting you back here tonight."

She didn't seem inclined to throw him out, so he closed the door behind him. She looked unhappy. She seemed tired. "You've been crying." he said.

"Hunters don't cry." she said.

"Even angels cry sometimes." he said.

She put the knife back under her pillow. It knocked a small bottle under there and made a clinking sound.

"Holy oil?" he said.

"Whisky." she said, "It helps me sleep." She corrected herself. "No. That's not true. It makes staying awake more bearable." He saw the pretence fade away. He saw the fear in her eyes, the same fear he felt, that one wrong word, one poorly chosen sentence would cause irreparable harm to their relationship.

"I'm so sorry." he said.

"Stop that." she said, "You needed to get away. You don't have to apologise for that, or for anything."

"I hurt you and I never meant to." he said.

"I know that, Cas. Come here." She reached out a hand.

He went to her, but didn't sit on the bed. She took his hand as if she wanted to anchor him. He found himself gripping her hand. "Do you want to tell me about your day?"

He wasn't sure. Only Sarah ever asked things like that.

She watched his eyes. Gently, she let go of his hand. "It's okay, if you don't want to."

"I think I do." he said. "It wasn't a good day." he warned her.

"No, I thought it wasn't. Lose the coat, drop the shields. Talk to me."

"I think I lost my mind a little. I went to Stull Cemetery and I yelled at Michael ... our Michael, who fell into the cage there. I may have renounced God too. I think I may have burnt my bridges as far as Heaven is concerned."

"Oh." she said. She knew about his confused and conflicted relationship with Heaven and understood what that meant for him.

He fumbled in his pocket for his Topeka purchase and said, as his fingers closed around it, "So, I thought maybe while I had the impulse to burn bridges, I should burn one more, the one I keep retreating over."

She looked at the ring box he offered her.

"It's silver, so you can punch shifters with it, if you need to. It's not an official ring, if you know what I mean, but I know there are connotations concerned with where it's worn. Left or right hand is up to you."

She opened the box and took out the silver ring. He had worried that the simplicity would seem too unsophisticated or that she would prefer gold, though, as far as he knew, it repelled and killed absolutely nothing, but she turned the ring in her hand and smiled. "It's beautiful." she said, "And I want you to know I'm not taking this as any kind of promise. I know you can't promise anything. But with your permission, I'll wear it on the left hand, to show the world I'm unavailable."

"You are?" he said, disappointed.

"To everyone but you, Cas." she said.

"If you look inside the ring, you'll see it does represent a promise, the only one I can give."

She read the inscription aloud, 'J, Yours while I am mine, C.' I love it." she said, "And I can match that promise. While I exist, whether or not we are together, I am committed to you."

"There's so much we should talk about. There are things I need to say ... things I need to find words for."

"Come to bed." she said, "We can talk in the morning."

He took off his coat and draped it over a chair, then joined her on the bed. "I met someone in Topeka, a waitress." he said, lying down.

"When you say you met someone ... " she began, then she smiled, "Sorry, forgot. You mean you encountered someone."

"Yes, what else would it mean?"

"Don't worry about it. Tell me about her."

"She was kind. She was worried about me."

"We all are." she said. She snuggled into his arms and turned out the light.

"I told her about you. I mean, not specifics. I didn't even tell her your name, but I told her I was with someone and that you were wonderful."

She kissed him. "That's sweet, Cas." She looked at the ring on her hand. "Cas, you didn't buy this because I said the word 'forever', did you?"

"I'm not clear on the question." he said, glad that she always welcomed such requests for clarification, because human discourse was a minefield.

"As soon as I sent the text, it felt like a mistake. I didn't intend to put pressure on you." She looked so anxious.

"You didn't." he said quickly, "I was feeling useless and cowardly and unworthy and you said you would love me forever. I felt bad that I couldn't promise the same, but the promise gave me strength. It made me feel so much better. It reminded me of how important you are to me. So yes, part of the reason why I bought the ring was that you said what you said, but I felt no pressure, only gratitude and a need to find something that would convey how much I love you."

"I love you too." she said, "Now, put me to sleep."

"What?"

"I didn't sleep last night. I feel too excited to sleep now."

"You want me to use my angelic powers?" he said.

"Yes."

"Even Sam and Dean hate me zapping them to sleep."

"I'm not Sam or Dean."

He looked at her for a long time, before saying, "No, you're really not."

"So do it. I want to sleep in your arms."

"With or without dreams?"

"With. I'm not afraid of my dreams tonight."

"You trust me?"

"Completely. All I ask is that you will still be here in the morning."

"I will." he promised.

"Then goodnight. I love you."

He touched her forehead and her eyes closed. "I love you." he said softly. He never tired of watching humans sleep, seeing their muscles relax as his never could. The night would pass swiftly. He took her left hand and held it, his pledge of love now also her promise of fidelity.

It was a small step in their strange, uncertain dance, but it felt as if he had scaled a mountain. The warmth of her embrace seemed a world away from the cold sorrows of Stull Cemetery.


	61. Chapter 61

Jules was woken by the touch of Castiel's lips on hers and she opened her eyes. The bedside light was on, but it was still very dark outside.

"Sorry to wake you so early." he said, "I thought we could talk before everyone else wakes up, here and at the bunker."

"It's fine." she said, "That's the best I've slept in years. There's magic in those fingers of yours."

Those fingers stroked her cheek and his eyes smiled at her. Then he became serious. "Before we discuss our relationship, I have to say that the past few days have shown that my emotions are unpredictable and not mine to control. Here and now, I feel capable of reason, but Dean is still missing and every time I let my mind dwell on that ... and when I think of you, sometimes, everything is so simple and clear and I know we need to be together and other times ... "

"All the guilt sets in and you convince yourself even wanting love is sinful and arrogant."

"Yes. The truth is, I can't promise things will ever get better. I can't promise I won't avoid you in future or feel like this is wrong."

She sat up and gently pushed him back to lie on the bed. "I feel I need to remind you that I'm not helpless or stupid. I knew what you were when we started this."

He was looking at her upper left arm. She tended to wear sleeves that covered her more obvious scars, but, expecting to sleep alone, she had chosen a tank top. He touched the straight mark she had carried for six years. "What's that?" he said.

"Knife fight, with a vampire. I was too slow. It's not important."

"And this?" he said, running his thumb along the similar scar on her forearm.

"A damn ghoul. Her blade was dirty. Got infected. I should have a much worse scar there."

"No, you shouldn't." he said. She could see the doubt growing behind his eyes. He saw her as wounded. He'd start wondering again how he could justify risking more pain for her.

"Castiel," she said, "I've been thinking about us a lot and I've come to a decision you may see as a lack of trust in you, but it isn't."

"Are you leaving me?" he said.

"No. The promise I made last night still stands." she said, reassured by the look of relief on his face. "So far, I've been letting you make all the decisions about our relationship, but that needs to end. You still get to choose when or if we ever have sex, because I know that whole area is a struggle for you, but on things like ending the relationship or staying away to protect me, I'm relieving you of command. You are mentally unfit to make those decisions."

"Thankyou." he said with evident sincerity.

"You're not offended?"

"Yesterday, I was veering between self-destruction and belief in us and in the Winchesters. I didn't come here full of certainty and strength." His long, lingering eye contact could be disconcerting to humans and Sam freely admitted it freaked him out sometimes, but his absences and evasions were what troubled her. His eyes looking straight into hers caused a fluttery feeling in her stomach that she did not at all dislike. "I came here," he said, in a low, confessional tone, "Because you are my strength."

She saw his gaze return to the scars and she said, "Cas, don't. Those are from the fights I survived. I'm strong. Don't be afraid for me. All those monsters out there are afraid of me."

"So is this monster in here." he said, "Because you have a power over me that no-one else does."

"I love you." she said, "And what I said about ending the relationship ... obviously, you can if you stop loving me, but not to protect me from pain, okay? There is no pain worse than losing you. Today, I was a mess because I was starting to think I had. When you went to Stull Cemetery ... "

"How did you know I was at Stull Cemetery?" he said.

"Sam told me. Don't be angry with him. You had him worried."

"He was tracking me?" said Cas. His face was unreadable.

"Cas, I shouldn't have told you. Sam was just trying to watch out for you."

"I'm not angry." he said, "I thought I was alone, but I never was, was I? A human was watching over me."

"He knew you needed space, so he stayed where he was, but he never stopped thinking about you." she said. He needed to hear it. 

"I've been causing everyone a lot of unnecessary anxiety. He thinks I could kill myself. I can't. I won't. It's forbidden to us. We can be sacrificed on Heaven's whim, but we can't choose to end ourselves. Sam and you and anyone else who worries about me will need to bear that in mind."

He thought he was calming her fears, but he was stoking them. Suicide was unthinkable, not because he wanted to live, but because it was forbidden and theoretically impossible, but so was his rebellion against Heaven and taking the side of humanity against both Heaven and Hell,

She kissed his lips and stroked his hair. He closed his eyes for a moment and she was unsure whether it was a moment of bliss or a sensory overload he needed to shut down, It could be either or both. "Are you okay?" she whispered.

He opened his eyes. "No." he said, "I don't think I ever have been. But it feels so good to be here, with you. I missed your touch. I missed the smell of your hair. I missed existing in your eyes."

"You're everything to me, my love, but I accept that I'm not everything to you. I know the Dean thing isn't going away. I know you miss him more than I can ever understand."

"Yes. With him around, I had some stability. Without him, I'm barely sane."

"I know." she said. She wondered if Dean had any idea of how important he was to Cas and whether he would thank her if she explained it. He might find it weird and awkward and uncomfortable. She just thought it was beautiful. She had never known a friendship like that.

"I know I need to accept that we may never get him back ... that we may even have to destroy him to stop Michael ... but I can't. Every time I think that way, I want to be dead."

"And if you think it long enough, you'll find a way to achieve that."

He closed his eyes again and nodded. "I'm sorry."

"You need to stop apologising, especially for loving Dean. Dean deserves your love."

His eyes opened again. "I lose my mind, when I face the prospect of life without Dean."

"There is no 'without Dean' at all." she said, "Because I will get Dean back for you somehow."

"It might not be possible."

"I've done the impossible before. We all have." she said.

He sat up. "If Dean is destroyed, I don't know what will be left of me."

"Then we'll have to make sure Dean isn't destroyed." She put her hand on his shoulder, feeling the rock-hard muscles there, frozen in uneasing rigidity. "Maybe I can get rid of some of that tension for you." she said.

She saw the guarded look in his eyes and knew he thought she was talking about sex. "Not now." he said.

"I mean a nice, innocent massage." she said, "Take the shirt off. I used to be good at this."

He removed his shirt and sat on the edge of the bed. She began to knead his shoulders and neck and then suddenly he said, "No, no, no, no, no!" He moved away from her a little.

"Did I hurt you?" she said.

"No." he said, "You were very gentle. It's just that my body clearly doesn't see any physical contact with yours as innocent. It was getting ideas that I didn't sanction."

She smiled. Although she wished they could be more intimate, she found it adorable how flustered he became when he found himself physically aroused by her. "That's a good sign." she said.

"How is it a good sign that this body is pursuing an agenda of its own?" he said.

"It means at least part of you wants me." she said.

"Every molecule of me wants you." he said, "But now is not the time."

"I know. Not until Dean is home."

"Or I can accept he never will be."

"Not until Dean is home." she repeated, "But you held me all night, so let's stick to that for now."

He got back onto the bed and took her into his arms. "This does feel right." he said.

"Now," she said, "Open that heart of yours, that big, wonderful heart that you were never supposed to have and let all my love pour into it."

"I've tried so hard to need nothing from you." he said.

"I know. That's the problem. You think you have to be alone in all this, but this love is here for you forever, whatever happens." She kissed him and added, "I've done my fair share of avoidance and holding back too. Sam thinks all hunters have to, but I'm not sure it's helping either of us. I may need to open up to you and I definitely want you to open up to me."

"You also need to tell me what you want." he said, "You never ask me for anything and I need this relationship to be of some use to you."

"Okay. Here's something I want. I want you to be around more often. I want fewer nights alone. I get it that you need to be at the bunker for Jack and Sam, but why can't I stay there some nights?"

"I wanted you away from all the pain and doubt." he said, "Despairing angels make poor company."

"Trouble is, I happen to care about this one and I'd rather have him a wreck in my arms than out there somewhere with no-one to help him. If you mean the promise on this ring, this is a relationship now, not two people dodging each other out of fear or guilt."

He was silent for a long time. Finally, he said, "Okay, but when I'm a wreck, I'm pathetic."

"Me too. It might be kinda nice, being pathetic wrecks together, in the privacy of our own bedroom." She hugged him tightly. "This feels good, doesn't it?"

"This feels great!" he said.


	62. Chapter 62

Sam wasn't sure when he had fallen asleep, but somebody had moved the laptop further onto the table for him and put a jacket over his shoulders. He felt stiff from resting his head on the map table and his head ached miserably. He had told himself that he would just stay up long enough to know whether Cas had come home or gone home. 

It seemed that Cas had not returned to the bunker, which felt like a good thing. Unless things had gone so badly that he had fled altogether, which seemed unlikely, given his attitude the night before, he had spent the night at the farm, with Jules.

That was the safest place for him. When he was with Jules, except when he was deliberately cutting her off, he became a differet person. He smiled. He seemed at peace. Most importantly, she would not allow him to give up or lose hope. Her love made him feel he was worth something. Her stubbornness made him strong. 

He was trying to get better at delegation. It was hard. He found it hard to trust others. Dean, yes and sometimes Bobby or their mother, but he was well aware that if he misplaced his trust, terrible things could happen and he had once trusted Ruby. Jules and Sarah, he could trust, especially when it came to taking care of the angel all three of them loved.

He decided he couldn't let the others see too much of him looking like a hobo. He had no idea who had seen him in the night, but there was nothing to be gained from continuing to haunt the bunker like that. He closed the laptop and went to the shower room to wash off the grime and grit of a mostly sleepless night and even went to the effort of washing his hair. There was no point now in hiding the shampoo. Dean wouldn't be stealing it. He hid it anyway. He wasn't ready to change anything permanently yet.

The cascading water washed away whatever tears fell. He pretended there were none. These days, he even told himself he was fine, wishing he were dumb enough to believe it.

By the time he turned off the kind concealment of the water, he was ready to face the others again. He thought of the day before and the constant feeling of dread as Cas drove further from safety and chose the worst place in the world to think.

Somehow, though, Cas had pulled out of the downward spiral and made himself head home. Today, Cas was with the people who loved him, not out in the uncaring world. Sam felt as if the whole universe bore down on his tired shoulders and he was surprised at how much lighter that weight felt when that one, small part of it became less pressing and burdensome.

His mother and Jack were in the kitchen. As soon as she saw Sam, she pointed to a chair and said, "Sit!"

"Okay." he said, too surprised to argue.

Jack smiled at him. "We're having pancakes." he said.

"Not optional?" whispered Sam.

"Not optional." his mother confirmed.

Jack looked tried. The skin around his eyes seemed shadowed and the eyes themselves were weary.

"Are you okay?" Sam asked him.

"Yes." he said.

"You slept last night?"

"Some of it." said Jack.

"You said Cas was at the farm last night." said Mary.

"Yes." Sam confirmed, "I think he's doing better now. I'm not sure what happened, but suddenly he wanted to talk to Jules."

"We should call him." said Jack.

Sam glanced at the clock and said, "No, we shouldn't. If he has something to tell us, he'll call us. I don't wanna disturb him or make him remember this place exists."

"He won't forget that." said Jack.

"No, but if for a short time he can just be with Jules and not worry about anything else, that would be good."

When she had served up the pancakes, Mary sat at the table with them. "Bobby heard about an archive in Missouri that might have information about some celestial weapons. I know it' a long shot and Cas would have told us if he knew of any that could hurt Michael, but we need to do something and that's a thing, so Bobby's doing it. I told him to take Maggie. She needs to be out of here and that trip is risk-free."

Sam nodded. It was all any of them were doing, clutching at straws and treading water and knowing, all the time, that the rogue archangel was pursuing his own catastrophic plans at some unknown location, wearing Dean.

"At least I wasn't sent on the risk-free library run." said Jack, "I hate being the frickin' mascot." Sometimes, the kid sounded so like Dean.

"You're not a mascot." said Mary, "You're our secret weapon and we need you to get your strength and grace back." She pushed his plate closer to him. "Now, eat!"

"Mom's right." said Sam, "You're weaker right now, but when you're strong again ... "

"What if I stay weak?" said Jack.

"I said weaker, not weak. Dean and I have no special powers and we do okay."

"You call being controlled by Michael doing okay?" said Jack.

Sam suddenly felt very tired. The kid was struggling and his mood was not his fault, but being a cheerleader for a group of traumatised derelicts who had mostly given up was becoming exhausting. No pep-talk went unchallenged. He put his head in his hands.

"Sam," said his mother, "Eat."

"I'm sorry." said Jack, "I'm just tired of being tired and sick of being useless."

"We all are." said Sam.

"But when I give in to that, I'm part of the problem, aren't I?" said Jack.

Sam knew he was, too. The biggest danger to all the vast family of hunters and hangers-on was defeatism. "It's hard to believe." said Sam, "Hardest of all for you. I'm asking a lot, expecting you to be heroic when I can barely manage faking hope. I can't do it. I can't make anyone believe we can win."

"We can win." said Jack, "We will win. Because anything else would end this planet. Anything else would betray Dean."


	63. Chapter 63

Gabriel crowed loud and clear. It was light outside and birds were singing. Cas heard Sarah go down to the kitchen and listened to the familiar sounds of breakfast being prepared. He didn't want to move. Jules was resting her head on his bare chest and her arm lay across his waist. She raised her head and began to kiss along his shoulder. 

"Sarah will expect us downstairs soon." he said.

"Does she know you're here?"

"She saw me last night. I didn't stop to explain anything. I needed to see you." he said.

She kissed his neck. "She'll be happy that you finally made it home. I know I am. I guess we should go down. Do you have to go back to the bunker today?"

"Mary wants to talk to me and I should check in with Sam and Jack. There's no immediate hurry. We should have breakfast with Sarah and then continue our conversation privately. I can go to the bunker later."

"I could go with you. I could come back here tomorrow to clean out the chicken coop."

He thought about spending another night with her, in his room in the bunker. Another night without that terrible loneliness. "Yes." he said, "We should do that." He noticed some papers near the bed. He saw the word "nephilim". "What's that?" he said, nodding to the pile of notes.

It took her a moment to understand what he was asking about. Or maybe to decide how to answer the question. Then she said, "Just some ideas for fighting Michael."

"Anything I can help with?" he said.

"No." she said quickly.

"Oh." he said, a little hurt by how certain she was.

"No, I don't mean it like that. It's all just rough ideas for now. At least two of them would need your help, if they ever get further than speculation. I need to work on it a little longer."

"If I can ever help, let me know."

"I will." she said, "Some of the ideas were stupid. Pure desperation." She stroked his chest, an odd look on her face. He wished he knew better how to read human feelings. "I think we should have breakfast." she said, "Which probably means you want to get dressed."

He didn't. He was growing to love the sensations of human contact, which were more intense without the coat and shirt. They were still overwhelming and they still scared him, but the fear brought with it exhilaration and joy.

But he was going down to the kitchen and he would already feel exposed enough when Sarah's clear eyes looked into his and she asked him, half with words, half with that steady gaze, what had happened when he was away from home.

"Yes," he said, "I should get dressed."

"I'll show Sarah my ring." said Jules, getting out of bed and admiring the ring on her hand.

A thought occurred to him. "There is one person who should never see the ring, Rowena. She's been asking me questions about ... about love. It would take her seconds to work out that you were important to me if she saw that ring and I don't want her to know."

"Is she a threat to us?" said Jules, "I know she's too interested in you, but is she likely to do more than mock us?"

"With Rowena, what she would do, how far she would go, is always difficult to judge." he said, putting on his shirt, "I want to take no chances with your safety. Besides, I don't want her asking questions about us. Her curiosity would taint something pure and precious."

She kissed him. "That's sweet, Cas." She gave him his coat and he put it on, "When she's around, I'll wear it on a chain, under my clothes." She straightened his coat, running her fingers down the lapels in a way he found delightful. "Let's go." she said.

He pulled her into his arms again and kissed her. "I was so right to come home to you." he said.

They went down the stairs and into the kitchen, where Sarah was busily preparing a fried breakfast. When she saw Cas, she gave him a warm hug. "It's so good to see you, Castiel. I was afraid we'd lost you this time."

"I was a little afraid I'd lost me too." he said, "But here I am."

Jules showed her the ring. "Look what Cas gave me."

Sarah held her hand to look at it properly. "It's lovely." she said, "And a perfect fit. How did you know her size?"

"I didn't." said Cas, "I didn't even know what sizes there were, but the man in the store showed me the ones he had and I knew which one would fit. The dimensions of every part of her are clear in my mind forever."

"You mean you know exactly how heavy I am?" said Jules.

"You're not heavy." said Cas.

"Good answer." she said. He was unsure why, but she was happy, so he smiled at her.

"I don't want to pry," said Sarah, "But I hope things are good between you now and I hope, Castiel, that you won't be disappearing on us again."

"Things are good." he said, "But I can make few promises and that isn't one of them. I am here now. I want to be here more often. Things will be a lot easier if Dean is found and brought back."

"When, not if." said Sarah.

"You are always warning me of the dangers of denial."

"And the dangers of despair." said Sarah, "The Winchesters have a one hundred percent success rate for coming back. I see no reason to doubt them this time."

"I've always believed before, but this feels different." he said.

She gestured to Jules to sit and put a plate of food in front of her. Cas sat before she told him. Soon a plate was steaming in front of him. 

"You don't need to feed me." he said.

"Yes, I do." she said, "More now than ever before. You just let me do what I need to do, because I'm old and set in my ways."

"I'm older." he said.

"And setter." said Jules with a smile.

"Do as you're told." she said, "The past few days have been hard for me."

"For all of us." said Jules, "But you're here now, Cas and we need to take care of you."

"Then I'll eat." said Cas, "Although an angel should be low maintenance."

"Angels should be a lot of things you're not." said Sarah.

He knew she didn't intend it as an accusation, but it reminded him of how frequently he fell short of perfection.

"Thought loop!" said Jules, "Abort, Cas!"

He looked at her, confused, then realised what she meant. He searched his mind for something else to think about. "Yesterday, I met a child who liked my car."

"I love your car." said Jules.

"The child had good taste." said Sarah.

"She knew I was an angel."

"Is that common?" said Jules.

"No. Some people see a little more than others. She may lose the ability as she grows."

Jules was watching him closely. He felt she was asking him a question with her silence, but he wasn't sure what it was. Then Sarah, his go-to expert on things unspoken, translated it for him. "Was meeting the child significant to you?"

"I suppose it was. Talking to her ... It gave me some clarity. I had to explain my mission to her. In doing so, I think I defined it for myself. It was strange to find I still had one ... in a way, anyway."


	64. Chapter 64

During breakfast, Cas often saw Sarah looking at the ring. He wondered whether he should say that it was not what she might think it was or whether that in itself would seem to Jules as if he were backing away.

Jules smiled at him and said, "Before we see Sam, we should get our story straight."

"Story?" he said.

"The ring. We need to explain it. We don't want him jumping to any conclusions. We're not married. We're not engaged. We're just ... committed. What word do you feel comfortable with?"

"Is there a word that means committed without question, in love beyond all doubt, but subject to the whims of Heaven and the cruel games of an uncaring universe?"

She was speechless, gazing silently into his eyes.

"Did I say that badly?" he said.

Hesitantly, she said, "We could go with betrothed. More than engagement, less than marriage, but a binding pledge of life to life, heart to heart, hand in hand, for good."

He put his hand over hers on the table. "Yes!" he said.

"Also pleasingly archaic, appropriate to an ancient angel, but not so obscure that Sam won't grasp the concept."

"So, we're betrothed?" said Cas. He liked it. It was old enough not to seem like he was trying to be a human - of the modern sort, at least - but it felt warm and real and something that he could only think of as human. It seemed sweetly paradoxical, but not dimension-tearing paradox. It felt safe.

"Of course, if you're not feeling ready for that level of commitment, or if you feel like settling for a hunter with scars inside and out isn't ... "

"You're perfect." he said, "I'm sorry I reacted to your scars. I just hate the thought of anyone hurting you."

"What good is a hunter who can't roll with the punches?" she said, "We're warriors. It's part of what makes us perfect for each other. Maybe it was a mistake for us to avoid discussing our battles. We've been so cautious. But now, we're betrothed, so maybe we should share everything."

Sarah was smiling at both of them. "I think that's a wonderful idea." she said, "I think we've probably tried all possible ways to go it alone and that didn't work. Sometimes, Castiel, I think you've been denying yourself love as a way to punish yourself for letting Dean say yes to Michael."

"No." said Cas, but he wasn't sure.

"If that has been part of it, it needs to stop." said Sarah, "Not only is it bad for you, but it's cruel to use Jules to hurt yourself when you know it breaks her heart to see you hurt."

"I left so she wouldn't have to see that." he said.

Jules stroked his hand. "He doesn't get it, Sarah."

"He's trying." he said.

"It doesn't matter now." said Jules, "Because now we're gonna stick together, right?"

"Right." he said.

"Tonight, Sarah, I'll be at the bunker, but I'll be back in time to feed the chickens tomorrow." said Jules.

"Don't worry if you're not. I can feed them." said Sarah.

Cas checked his phone.

"Problem?" said Jules.

"Nothing from Sam since I spoke to him yesterday."

"He knew you were coming here?" said Sarah.

"Yes, I told him."

"My dear, he's giving you some privacy. I'm sure he's worried about you, but he's trying not to interrupt your time with us. You should go to the bunker and let him know that you're safe. We were all worried about you yesterday."

Guilty though that made him, it felt good that he mattered to them so much. "We should go to the bunker soon, if he's worried." he said.

"Yes, you should." said Sarah, "But you should come back here whenever you can."

"And first, we should tell the bees." said Cas.

"Tell the bees what?" said Jules.

"You must always tell the bees important news." said Sarah.

Cas stood and reached out his hand to Jules. "And this is the best news for some time."

She took his hand, stood and let him lead her out to the hives. The bees, as always, swirled around him. He kept a firm grip on her hand and said in a clear, strong voice, "My friends, Jules and I are betrothed and we are ready to face our future together." Silently, in the deep communion of the angels with all life, he added all the rest, the way the open wound that was Dean's desertion hurt less when she was with him, how close he had come to finding a way to die and how much he had wanted that.

The pain was not ended, the despair was still there. He still needed Dean back and he still dreaded the day when he would have to accept that he was gone, but Jules gave him strength to live beyond his hope. He let the bees see that and he felt their approval. They had been stricken by his hatred of life, his contempt for his own existence. Now they saw he was stepping back from that. Their rich, harmonious hum was a gentle benediction.

He glanced at Jules, hoping she was not troubled by the mass of bees. She was smiling, her eyes filled with wonder. "This is beautiful!" she said.

"It is." he said, "You are." he added.

They kissed in the midst of the bees and his tiny winged friends approved that too.

When they went back into the house, Cas embraced Sarah. "We haven't had much chance to talk." he said.

"I'm always here." she said.

"Yes, always."

"We should take your car." said Jules, "You can take Mary to Lebanon for your chat."

"We could take the Jeep too." said Cas.

"No, we'l take one car. I need you close."

"And I need to know you're together." said Sarah, "If you need the Jeep, send someone to fetch it."

Jules looked Cas up and down and said, "We can't stop and fool around if we go in different cars."

He remembered their interlude beside the creek, the soft, smooth feel of her skin beneath his fingers, all the many other activities that suggested themselves before the thought had flashed into his head that Dean was about to harm himself.

"We'll take my car." he said.


	65. Chapter 65

As soon as he heard they had arrived, Sam went to the garage to greet Cas and Jules. The first thing he noticed was that Cas opened the car door for Jules and then, as she stepped out, she said something to him and he smiled. He closed the door carefully and saw Sam.

"Hello, Sam." he said.

"Hello, yourself." said Sam, "You're looking about a thousand times better than you did last time I saw you."

"Yes." said Cas, with an infuriating lack of explanation.

Jules came over to him. "How are you doing, Sam?"

"I'm okay." he said and she nodded and smiled and pretended to believe it. "Nice ring." he said. She rarely wore jewellery and it was a little hard to miss the sudden addition.

"We're betrothed." said Cas.

"Wow!" said Sam, a little taken aback.The day before, he had felt Cas was all but lost for good and the last thing he had expected was an announcement like that. "Congratulations." he said.

"Unconventional, I know." said Jules, "But it seemed to fit our situation better than anything else."

"No, whatever works." said Sam. He didn't care what they called it or what the details might be. Cas was smiling and his eyes no longer seemed as if they were staring into the abyss. He hugged her. "It's great! I'm happy for both of you."

"It's the wrong time," said Cas, "Maybe the worst time, but I had to come to a decision. I had to make some kind of ... " His voice trailed away.

"I get it." said Sam, "Yesterday, you were drifting and then you realised you had an anchor. It's not the wrong time at all. You chose hope over despair. We all need to do that right now."

"How bad is it?" said Cas.

Sam almost repeated that he was okay, but the past twenty-four hours had shown that honesty mattered within the immediate family and Cas would know he was lying and would feel pushed away when he had only just chosen family over fatalism. "It's bad." he said, "But getting you back makes it a lot easier to handle the rest."

"Maybe we should meet at the Krak later." said Cas.

"That sounds like a good idea." said Sam.

"I should find Mary." said Cas, "We're going out for coffee." 

Jules kissed his cheek and Sam smiled as the angel turned bashful. "I'll see you later, Castiel." she said.

"Mom's in the kitchen." said Sam. 

"Take care of my betrothed for me." said Cas.

"Yeah, no problem."

When Cas had gone, Sarah said, "He seems better, doesn't he?"

"Much better. Being around you is good for him. How about you?"

"Last night, I didn't think he'd be coming home. Things are so much better today. Truth is, I can handle anything when he's near and I know he's safe."

"This betrothal thing ... Is there anything I should know?"

She gave a small shrug. "It's no big thing to anyone else, but for him, it's a giant leap forward. We're still not ... I mean, I think I have to accept that we may never be ... But we are together and together is good."

"Together is great. Look, don't give up on all the rest. He's moving slow, but he is moving forward."

"On the way here, I put my hand on his thigh. I thought I'd have to resuscitate him. He liked it, but the fact that he liked it freaked him out. I keep telling myself it's because Dean is missing, but it's not just that. He's terrified and maybe the kindest thing is just to stick with the stuff he's comfortable with."

"I'm not sure Cas is ever comfortable." he said.

"He likes kissing. He likes hugs and snuggling up together at night. And really, if that's all I get, it's enough. I'd rather have him with all his weird little insecurities and taboos than wild, athletic sex with anyone else. He loves me. For a worldless refugee, suffering night terrors, that's a lot."

"You get those too, huh?"

"Free with every apocalyptic war."

"I wonder if Dean still does. I wonder if he has enough consciousness left." said Sam.

"When we get him back, we can ask him and work out the truth by what lies he tells."

They smiled at each other. Even in such uncertain times, each found comfort in a moment of honesty. The act each put on was exhausting.

"What can you tell me about souls?" she said.

"Nature of, value of, lack of?"

"As a power source for angels." she said.

"Come to the library and I'll tell you everything I know. Of course, Cas can tell you more."

"Don't worry, I'll be talking to Cas about it. I just need to marshal my facts first."

"You have some kind of plan?" he said, as they began walking to the library.

"Not yet. I'm just trying to find anything we could use to zap Michael without destroying Dean."

"There are risks to the human involved." he said.

"I know. Obviously, part of the plan will involve mitigating those risks."

"Good. As temporary leader, I don't plan to sanction any suicide missions."

"Temporary leader?" 

"That wasn't the important part of the sentence." he said.

"Suicide is not my style and I wouldn't ask anyone else to throw their lives away either." 

"Good. You're kinda vital right now to keep the angel from self-destructing."

"That's my main mission." she said, "It feels like my job to take care of him."

"Not alone. It takes a bunker to protect an angel."

"Knowing that you feel that way helps a lot, Sam. It would be a lot to deal with alone. But I know you have Dean to think about."

"Yeah, well, finding Dean is not going great, so it's good to have something I can actually do. Although, I admit, yesterday mae it pretty clear I'm not much good at it."

"He didn't contact me yesterday until he came home. I think you underestimate your importance to him."

As they entered the empty library, Sam said, "So, you touched his thigh, huh?"

"I had stopped the car."

"I wasn't accusing you."

"I like his thighs."

"Yeah, well, don't give up on the rest of him. Cas could surprise you. Things change, people change, hairstyles change."

"Interest rates fluctuate." she said, completing the quote.

They grinned at each other. "Thanks." he said, "It's like having Dean back for a second."


	66. Chapter 66

Cas watched Mary stirring her coffee. He hoped he could help her. They had not always had the closest relationship and he knew that she felt as bad about that as he did. It was just weird for her, finding out that angels existed by meeting the one that was her son's closest friend and it was weird for him, having to interact with the mother Dean had spent his life missing and then had found again. Each always worried that one bad conversation would make Dean love them less, for failing to love someone who mattered to him. 

Cas did love her, though. Talking to her might be stressful, but she was a good, caring person and most importantly, she loved her sons and now treated him like part of the family.

She looked up and smiled. "Castiel, I want to thank you for agreeing to meet like this. I know you have a lot of other stuff on your mind."

"Yes, I do, but not much I can do anything about. I know this has to be harder for you than for any of us and the truth is, I can't do a thing to bring Dean home until we can find him, but maybe I can help the person he loves most. That's something."

"I'm trying not to add to Sam's burden. I know he'd listen, but I'm not sure how much more he can take. He's everyone's rock and he must feel like he has nobody to support him. I don't mean that you don't." she added hurriedly.

"I know. I worry about him too. Sam is strong. I mean, like a mountain, but this is the one area where he's vulnerable. With Dean beside him, he doesn't bend or break. The Winchesters together are undefeatable, but remove one ... But still, Sam is strong. Strong enough to care about me yesterday."

"Yes, he was worried about you."

"I can't be like that. The past few days, I've been too busy drowning in my own feelings to think about anybody else."

"That would be more convincing if you weren't here, voluntarily, to help me with mine." said Mary.

He sipped his coffee, thinking about that. He felt she was being overly kind. "I may be just trying to distract myself." he said, "I can be very selfish. And in my present state of mind ... "

"Your present state of mind is because your best friend is lost and in danger. It's not selfish to love someone so much that losing them tears your life apart."

"This must be so much harder for you than for me." said Cas.

"I don't know, but it's hard." she said, "I miss him. It took us a long time to get our relationship back and I loved being a part of his life and making up for all those years I couldn't be there for him and now he's lost and alone and fighting for his life. I would give anything for one chance to bring him home."

Cas nodded. "I feel the same way." He thought of their mental link, of how good it had felt to share their thoughts, to understand each other on a whole new level. He thought of Dean's strong, fierce, empassioned spirit reluctantly in thrall to the cold, heartless nature of Michael. Once, Cas had admired the archangels. Now, he hated them. They were not fit to even think of exerting power over humans like Dean and Sam.

The idea that entered his head was a stupid one. It could not work. The power of an archangel was absolute and if Dean were not either under complete control or actually dead, he would have made contact somehow already, but the idea was there anyway and he was sitting opposite Dean's mother and for her sake and for Dean's he had to try.

"There is something that may work." he said, "But I'll be honest, the odds are against us."

"When are they not?" she said.

"We should probably run it by Sam first, but I don't want to give him false hope."

"Run it by me." she said, "We can tell Sam if it works."

"Archangels can hear prayers directed to them."

"Of course, but Sam said nobody was to try to contact Michael."

"Dean effectively has the grace of an archangel. If he's awake and aware and I direct a prayer to him, he may hear it."

"Without Michael hearing it?"

"I don't know. That's why it has to be me that tries. Michael is likely to try to obliterate me at some point anyway, so it's not like I'm throwing anything away that wasn't already at risk."

"And you and Dean already had a psychic connection."

"Yes, which could work for or against us now. It may make Dean more able to hear me and possibly respond, or it may be that Michael, having found and blocked the link, will be watching for any attempt to revive it. I think I have to try, anyway."

"Yes." said Mary, "Do you need a special place or any preparation?"

"No. If I'm quiet and discreet, I can do it here." He bowed his head over his coffee and pretended to talk to Mary as he said, "Dean, I don't know if this will work. I've never before to contact a vessel via the grace of the angel, but if there is one vessel independent enough to be able to retain some awareness and control, it's you. We miss you. We need you back. We're all waiting for you to come home, all trying to think of a way to bring you home. A location would help, even a direction, but above all, we need a sign, Dean. We need to know you're alive." He paused, hoping for some feeling of having been heard or, miraculously, some reply in his mind.

"Anything?" whispered Mary.

"Nothing." he said, "I'm sorry. It was always a long shot. He may still have heard, or he may be aware that there was an attempt to communicate. Either will have given him hope."

"Thanks for trying. I know it was dangerous."

"I've found trying to live without him far more dangerous. As long as there is something left to try, some chance he's out there, I don't have to give up on him."

"You and I have a lot more in common than I thought." she said.

"I hope he heard something. I hope he knows we're fighting for him."

She smiled at him. "Whether he heard or not, Cas, he knows you won't give up. Dean doesn't have faith in much, but he believes in you."


	67. Chapter 67

Sam was careful not to rush to greet them when Cas and his mother returned. He didn't want Cas to work out that the whole thing had been intended to keep him from self-destruction and Mary had told Cas she didn't want to confide in Sam, so he had to pretend it was just two friends, going for coffee and no big deal as far as he was concerned.

He was relieved, though, when Cas soon arrived in the library, seeming like himself. Mary did not. Clearly. she had the sense to see that it would seem she was reporting back to Sam.

Cas walked over to Jules. She stood and he pulled her towards him by the belt of her jeans and drew her into a long and intense kiss. Sam smiled at the thought that Cas believed their relationship to be non-physical. That kiss alone bordered on the erotic and he felt pretty uncomfortable watching it.

"I'll go ... be somewhere else." he said.

"Mm-hmm." said Cas, still lost in loving liplock.

Jules gently broke off the kiss and pushed him back a step. "Don't go, Sam." she said. Sam noticed that she touched Cas's arm, reassuring him that he had not behaved incorrectly. Her understanding of his capacity for mistaken self-blame was helpful.

"I thought you two might wanna be alone." he said.

"No." said Cas, "I don't suppose there was any word from Dean?" He corrected himself quickly, "Or word of Dean?" The longing in his eyes was hard to endure. Sam wished he could give him any fragment of hope.

"I'm sorry." said Sam, "I would have told you. I would have called you."

"Yes, I know you would." said Cas, with resignation, "I just ... " His audible words died away, but in the back of Sam's mind, he said, "I can't give up."

"I know." said Sam, aloud.

Jules moved closer to him again. "Are you okay, Cas?" she said. Most people would not have heard how concerned she was, but Sam was becoming familiar with the change in her tone when Cas was making her uneasy.

Whether Cas heard it too was unclear, but they were suddenly looking into each other's eyes and again, Sam felt he shouldn't be there. He found it strange that Cas had never tried to open a mental link with her, but Cas thought she was uneasy about angel stuff and was always afraid of reminding her that he wasn't human. Sam didn't think it was an issue. The angel thing was a much bigger deal to Cas than to Jules. 

Yes, she was a survivor of a cosmic war, but who wasn't. They had all suffered at the hands of angels, Castiel more than most. Jules was not as prejudiced as she had every right to be, but he suspected that the real problem was that Cas still felt completely unworthy of her.

Sam understood. It was hard, imagining a future with someone when haunted by such bad feelings about the past. When every choice ever made seemed to be wrong, it complicated every decision, but he saw how they gazed at each other, how Cas stood a little taller when she was near and how Jules lost the wary look when he was in sight.

There was every chance that Cas would still screw it up out of fear, sabotaging a relationship he felt was not allowed for him, just as another idiot had failed to say anything to Eileen because she was so awesome and he was burdened with old regrets, guilt and lack of faith in himself. 

Cas spoke in little more than a whisper. "I'm fine. I enjoyed talking with Mary. I like Mary. I'm okay. I'm fine." He sounded like he was trying to convince both of them, but as he spoke, the certainty in his voice grew. Maybe it was the power of being close to her, maybe just saying the words.

"Good." she said. She touched her lips to his in the lightest of kisses. "Dean is coming back. You think that dollar store tree topper can beat a Winchester?"

Cas smiled uncertainly. "No, he can't."

"Of course he can't." said Jules, "In my world, we had no Winchesters. He won because we had no Winchesters, but even there, we were still fighting, still holding out. He thinks this world will be easier. This world has already defeated him and Lucifer once. Well, you, Dean and Sam did that."

"Our Michael was very different." said Cas.

"Still an archangel." said Jules.

"Jules is right." said Sam.

Cas had not taken his eyes off hers. Oddly, she never seemed uncomfortable with his steady eye contact. What seemed disturbing to most didn't bother her in the least. "Jules is always right." he said.

"Yes." said Sam, "She's right about you, too."

Cas turned to look at him, then back at Jules. "I hope so." he said.

"And I'm right about Dean. There's no way it ends like this." she said. She kissed him again. "Archangels are focused, you know. So much intensity and concentration. When we were fighting them, we found that a weakness we could exploit."

"I think it should trouble me that you have studied angelic weaknesses." said Cas.

"Does it?" she asked.

"Not nearly enough."

"You don't have the same weakness as Michael. He's a bugle. You're an orchestra."

"I don't know what that means, but I like it." said Cas.

"One day, my angel, you and I will get symphonic." she said. Obviously seeing the panic in his eyes, she touched his chest and said soothingly, "A time to every purpose under Heaven."

The fear faded away and he nodded.

"I need to trawl the archives again." she said, "You boys should talk. Cas, if you need me, for anything, just text."

He nodded again. When she had gone, he looked at Sam and said, "Something happened."

"With Mom?"

"With Jules. On the way over here, something happened."

"Okay. Good or bad?"

"She touched my leg."

"Okay." said Sam again.

"I don't mean by chance. She stopped the car and she put her hand on my thigh. Deliberately, Sam."

"Yeah, okay, I got that." said Sam, trying not to smile. That wasn't even first base. Dean would say it wasn't even parked near the ballpark. After billions of years, almost every day, celibate, that insignificant touch meant more to him than a weekend of wild sex would mean to any human. "How did it feel?" he said.

"Have you ever had every thought in your head focused on one small touch?" said Cas.

"Yes, humans get that a lot. Of course, we have fewer thoughts than an angel does."

"Yes." said Cas, "Of course, as she said, such focus is a weakness."

"She didn't mean that kind of focus."

"Nevertheless ... "

"No, Cas, no nevertheless. It felt good, right?"

"It felt incredible."

"But you freaked out?"

"A little." said Cas, "I don't understand why kissing, which is more intimate and more passionate, feels so easy and unthreatening and a hand on my upper leg is ... " He struggled to find the words. Sam knew he probably never would.

"It's good that kissing is fine." he said.

"Kissing is better than fine. Kissing is wonderful. And at night, Sam, we touch far more. She sleeps pressed up against me and it's so good and so uncomplicated."

"And you have no sexual thoughts at all?"

"I have thoughts like that all the time. Can women tell when we are imagining them naked?"

"No, or we'd never make it to the second date." said Sam, then he remembered he was talking to Castiel. "Cas, it's okay to think about your girlfriend naked. I think she'd be disappointed if you didn't."

"I don't want her to feel objectified."

"Is she an object to you?" said Sam, well aware that she was not.

"No."

"No. You love her. You're allowed to also desire her. It's pretty important in a relationship."

"But then I freak out." said Cas.

"Yeah. You may need to work on that."


	68. Chapter 68

"Maybe now would be a good time to head to the Krak." said Sam, looking at his watch. There's nothing else we need to be doing and we can talk about the Jules thing there and the Dean thing."

"And the saving the angel from himself thing?" said Cas.

"I'm not sure what you mean." said Sam, disappointed that Cas had seen through Mary's coffee ploy.

Cas smiled. "You know, the ending of Titanic was a disappointment to me."

That, Sam couldn't pretend to understand.

"It was a big door. Four people could have been saved on that thing. I get why she killed him. The times being what they were, their affair would have been an embarrassment and letting him die removed the problem."

"I'm not sure we watched the same movie." said Sam, "And I think maybe we're not both on the same page now."

"The ship sank, Sam and we're all getting tired of trying to stay alive in the cold. You keep trying to lift me and Jack onto that door with your last strength. It's a big door. We can all float ashore on it."

"What if it isn't the last of my strength?" said Sam, "What if I'm planning to push that door ashore with all of you clinging to it?" 

"Is that your plan?" said Cas.

"It is now." said Sam honestly.

"I don't need to be rescued."

"Yesterday ... "

"Yesterday was different." said Cas.

"Every day, every hour, could be different. You might be fine now and leaping off a cliff an hour from now."

"You know many cliffs around here?"

"Metaphor."

"Oh. And leaping off a cliff wouldn't hurt me."

"Again, metaphor. You're never more than one bad thought away from disaster. And you think a thousand thoughts a minute. So forgive me if I worry about you."

"Why Mary? Why get her to ask?"

"Her idea." said Sam, "She thought you wouldn't destroy yourself if you felt she needed you."

"Oh." said Cas. He looked troubled.

"Cas, I know it seems like manipulation ... "

"Because it is."

"Because it is. But it's because we love you."

"Yes." said Cas, "And I am grateful. Just as I am grateful that you watched over me yesterday, even if it means Jules knows I went to Stull Cemetery."

"Sorry about that."

"Don't be. Not much could get through to me yesterday, but talking about my kids and Jules, to kind strangers and then finding out that you never stopped caring about me ... "

"And never will, Cas."

"When I left here yesterday, I felt alone and homeless. You and Mary and Jules brought me home. I don't suppose you'd tell me how you knew where I was?"

"And have you prevent that in future? No, Cas. It was a dirty trick, but one I may need again and although I want to be honest with you, I will never tell you anything that will make it easy for you to disappear and get lost. We can't lose you again. I can't. Dean can't. It destroyed him, last time."

Cas said nothing, just stared off into the distance as if listening for something.

"Cas?" said Sam.

"Now that things are officially official between Jules and me, I probably need to tell Claire about her."

"You haven't already?"

"As a hunter, I may have mentioned her."

"You've been living with her how long?"

"It's difficult. Claire and I ... and then Claire has been through so much."

That was an understatement and Cas blamed himself for all of it. He loved her like a daughter and she, with good reason to hate him, had forgiven him and come to love him right back, but he still wore her dead father and he was constantly aware of the pain that brought her. Their whole family was so messed up. Every member of it carried so much painful baggage and those who loved each other most had inflicted the most terrible wounds.

Cas wanted to tell his sort of daughter about his sort of wife, but would rather stay silent forever than increase the pain he caused her. Sam felt sorry for all of them, but in a weird kind of way, it showed the love Cas felt for Claire, a strong, protective love perhaps inspired by his time with Jimmy, perhaps not, but powerful and prodigious. It was the same love that had tethered the wild, world-shaking power of a nephilim and made Jack a devoted and diligent son and not a monstrous force of nature, tearing the universe apart to see what would happen.

"Do you want me to tell Claire?" said Sam.

Cas looked at him gratefully. "Thanks, but no. It's my job. It's her right to hear it from me."

"For what it's worth, I think she'll be pleased. I think she'll like Jules."

"They are very alike." said Cas.

"Yes, they are." said Sam.

"We should leave the Krak for now." said Cas, "My head is all ... " he waved his hand uncertainly.

"When you're ready. Maybe later." said Sam.

"Maybe. I should check on Jack."

"Yeah."

"But thanks. Thanks for everything."

"No problem." said Sam, "You're important to us."

Cas met his gaze, nodded and left the room. 

Sam called Sarah. As soon as she answered he said, "Hey Sarah! Just letting you know Cas is okay."

"Good. And Jules?"

"Jules is amazing. She has an incredible effect on Cas."

"Yes, she does. Keep them close together and they're both fine. I have to admit, I've been worried about her. She took some dried yarrow flowers from the cellar."

"Yarrow?"

"She's allowed. What's mine is hers. I just worry about crossroads deals."

"You think she'd make one? She's not stupid."

"No, but we're all getting desperate. I mean, I've thought about it. I told myself no demon could be powerful to snap an archangel out of his vessel. That's probably true, isn't it?"

Sam hated the speculation in her voice, the hint that, if it were not true, she might be heading for the nearest crossroads herself. "It's definitely true." he said quickly, "No demon can do a thing to Michael, not even Crowley and Crowley was the best."

"Good to know for sure." she said, "You know, around 3 am, when you're thinking of all the things you never got the chance to say to Dean and all the progress he'd made on fighting his own demons, there's a little voice that whispers, 'Who wants to go to Heaven anyway?'"

"It's better than Hell."

"I'm not so sure. At least Hell is real."

"You're scaring me, Sarah." said Sam.

"But you'd have given your soul without hesitation, if it had a chance of saving Dean, so it doesn't. I'm a dumb old broad, but not so dumb I'd give my soul up without a reason. Just make sure Jules knows it won't work too. There's nothing she wouldn't do for Cas and no sacrifice she wouldn't make to reunite him with Dean."

"Do any of you ever think how it feels to watch you all lining up to throw your lives away?" he said, "I'm scared to take a nap in case you all leap into Hell for Dean. And can you imagine how angry he'd be with me if I let that happen?"

"Very valid points." she said, "My only excuse is that I can't let Dean stay lost. It's like losing Carl all over again. I know the idea was insane, but insane is all I have right now."

"Right there with you." said Sam, "But maybe we should remember that Dean won't be giving up either. Jules thinks he can beat Michael."

"He'd better." said Sarah, "We need him home."

"Yes, we do." said Sam.


	69. Chapter 69

Jack and Cas went out onto the top of the bunker. "Yesterday," said Cas, "I was not thinking clearly and my actions were not ones of which I am proud. I was wrong to avoid Jules and wrong to ignore your views on the matter and for both those things, I apologise."

"I'm just glad you came back, to her and to me." said Jack.

"There was never any question that I would come back." said Cas.

"Maybe not for you. We were worried."

"I know." said Cas, "And you both have other things to worry about and I should have been helping you."

"You needed to help yourself first." said Jack reasonably. Cas saw the compassion in his eyes, the empathy that forever set him apart from his actual father. He had every excuse to be angry and selfish about it. He was the only one there whose age and circumstances made any tantrum acceptable, but Kelly Kline's son had patience with a damaged angel, gentle concern for his chosen father.

"Thankyou for understanding." said Cas.

"So, did it help?" said Jack.

"I met a father. We talked about our kids. It reminded me how lucky I am. You and Claire; you mean the world to me and even if ... "

"He will come back." said Jack.

"Yes, but even if he doesn't, I have you and Claire and I have Jules."

"And Sam and Sarah."

"Yes." said Cas, "Without Dean, I feel alone and useless, but I am never alone."

"No, you're not and you're not useless. Castiel, I need you. I always have and I always will."

"I know. As I said, my mind was disturbed."

"Your heart was broken."

"That too."

"Which is when you need your family." said Jack.

"Yes, but it can be hard to tell them that, when I sometimes feel so unworthy of their love."

"You mean sometimes you feel worthy?"

"No, not really."

"But you are, Cas. You always are and we need you, especially at times like this."

"I've made a commitment to Jules." said Cas, "Now I will make one to you. No matter how bad it gets, no matter how worthless I feel, I will always be just a prayer or phone call away, unless I am dead."

"Never be dead." said Jack.

"I'll do my best."

Bobby was coming up the hill behind them. "Hey, you two! Inside! Sam wants to talk to everyone."

"Dean?" said Cas.

"No." said Bobby, "But it must be important."

They followed him without another word. 

Soon everyone was gathered around the map table. Jules came over to Jack and Cas and put her arm around Cas's waist. He slowly breathed out, giving himself a moment to adjust to the contact before he turned his attention to Sam, who stood on the steps.

Sam began, "Everyone in this room has my profound respect and love. I know that every single one of you is a warrior and a hunter." He looked at Jack as he said, "We have no mascots here. Nobody here is expendable to me or to the fight." He looked around them, making eye contact with each in turn.

"I know how you feel about Dean and I know what you all think of Michael and I know how far any of you would go to save one and destroy the other and I feel the same way and if, right now, I could do that, I wouldn't care about the cost to me. So I understand, better than anyone, why some of you may be tempted to make terrible choices that feel noble and right, but will only lose us valuable pieces that we need in the game."

Mary nodded. Cas wondered if she had said something to Sam. Jules felt him tense up and she turned to look at him. He smiled at her, realising a moment too late that his attempts at a casual smile rarely reassured anyone.

"Are you okay?" she whispered.

"Fine." he said.

Sam continued. "Knowing that you all have Dean's back in this, knowing that you're all looking for ways to bring him home ... That gives me hope and I don't wanna seem ungrateful, but Dean cares what happens to you and he would never forgive me if I allowed one of you to sacrifice yourselves to save him. I don't like to lay down the law and you know I have never tried to take command here, but this I have to say: if anyone here has a plan that involves a risk to their life or their soul, I am vetoing that plan now, whether as leader or just as Dean's brother. Because Dean would not want that."

"No, he wouldn't." said Bobby, "And if any one of you does anything suicidal, I'll frickin' kill you."

"Nobody is to make any demon deals, or make themselves a kamikaze or do anything to draw Michael's attention."

Cas could no longer remain silent. He knew to what Sam was referring. "Clearly, Mary has been telling tales. I know that what I did was stupid and a risk, but I felt I had no choice."

"What did you do?" said Sam, clearly shocked.

"This isn't about me?" said Cas.

"It is now." said Sam, "What in God's name did you do?"

"He tried to contact Dean by praying to him, hoping that the message would go through on the archangel's grace or whatever." said Mary.

"And you knew about this?" said Sam.

"We had to try. We were both going crazy. We had to try to get some kind of message to Dean."

"Michael could have killed you both." said Sam.

"No, just me." said Cas, "Mary was present, but not involved."

Sam closed his eyes. In his head, Cas heard, "How the hell am I meant to protect you when you're going out trying to get killed?"

"If it had worked ... " Cas began.

Sam opened his eyes. "I'm glad it didn't. What did you say?"

"That we needed a sign, maybe some indication of where he was."

"He probably has no idea where he is. Even if it had worked, how was he supposed to send a message to you?"

"I don't know, but if it had worked, at least he would have known we were still fighting for him. Maybe it did work and he does know that."

"And that was worth the risk to your life?" said Sam.

Their eyes met and Cas could see that Sam already knew the answer to that. "That would be worth anything." he said.

Sam looked around the room again. "This is exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about. Cas could have been wiped off the face of the Earth just to try to send a message to Dean. And believe me, I understand why he was willing to take the chance, but I am not willing to let any of you do that. No demon has power over Michael. There is no way to get to Dean without finding out where he is and even then, we will come face to face with Michael. We can't afford to throw away any of this tiny army against him. I need you all. Dean needs you all."

There was general agreement.

"The problem with an army full of heroes is that it's hard to stop them from being heroic, but I need cooperation, not grand gestures that cost us dearly. I need each and every one of you to promise, here and now, in front of everyone, that you will not attempt anything that could cost you your life without discussing it with me first."

"Will you make the same promise?" said Bobby, "Because you just admitted you have the same temptation and I'm not gonna volunteer to tell Dean how come we let you throw your life away."

Sam nodded. He looked tired. "Okay. I promise not to do anything dangerous or dumb without a full discussion."

"God enough for me." said Bobby, "I promise."

"Mom?"

"My word as a Winchester." she said, "Cas and I were ... "

"I know. Paul?" said Sam.

"You know it, chief. Nothing without your approval."

"Cas?" said Sam.

Cas inclined his head, reluctantly. He felt the arm around his waist tighten. At least Jules was not angry with him. He hoped Sam would forgive him.

"Cas? Yes or no?"

"What I did ... "

"I get what you did. I get why. If I'd thought of it, I'd have tried it myself. What you did is done and it seems not to have done any harm. Past mistakes, past actions, we can do nothing about. I'm not angry, Cas. It's just, I can't do this ... " 

Cas heard the period at the end. Sam might fool the others, but to him, that was a complete sentence, a statement of fact. He went on to say, "If I don't know that all of you are as safe and as careful as you can be. So I need you to promise, because I know what your word is worth, Cas. I would build a fortress on your word." For a moment the banners of the Krak Des Chevaliers flickered in his mind.

"I ... " he began. He could not promise. He could not close any door that might lead to Dean. "I'm sorry." he said.

"This isn't just about you." said Sam, "I didn't know about your little experiment. I should have known." He looked at Mary. "You were supposed to be protecting him."

"You were not supposed to tell him that." she said.

"He worked it out." Sam looked at Cas. "I need you to set an example to the others." Cas thought Sam's eyes darted to Jules. He hoped he had imagined it. It suggested that Sam had reason to believe Jules had something reckless in mind. It wasn't a risk Cas was willing to take. His own life meant nothing, but hers ... 

"I promise." he said, "No further action unless approved by you."

"Jules?" said Sam.

"Agreed." she said.

"Jack?" said Sam.

Jack glanced at Cas. For a moment, their youngest member seemed impossibly old and wise. Cas was not skilled at nonverbal cues, but he saw the love in Jack's blue eyes and the fear that, if he did not make the promise, Cas would not keep his. "I promise." he said with the gravity and certainty of a tablet of stone.

Each person in turn gave his or her word. As each agreed, Sam seemed to stand a little straighter and a little of the exhaustion seemed to leave him. It was a hard thing, for him to be the commander of these people, none of whom valued their own life highly when it came to saving Dean or consigning Michael to destruction. Cas did not envy him his role. He was glad it had fallen to Sam, both because he needed something to focus on or he would be lost in the maelstrom of his grief and because only Sam, of all the world, could lead and inspire and influence this army and take them to whatever victory might be possible.

When Maggie gave her promise, she hugged Sam and Cas saw how tightly he hugged back. They were a sorry lot of refugees and wrecks, all of them, but the love between them was real and powerful, a bond stronger than that of blood. Sam loved Maggie as if she had been born his baby sister. There was nobody in that room for whom Sam would not have died. Cas was glad that Bobby had thought to demand the promise from him too.

Jules took his hand.

"We probably need to talk about this, don't we?" he said.

"Not if you intend to keep your promise." she said quietly.

"I do." he said.

"Then we're okay." She squeezed his hand. "It was actually a clever plan. Dangerous and dumb, but clever."

He didn't know how it could be both dumb and clever, but paradox was a part of any involvement with humans. So was the warmth he felt spreading through his body from the hand that held his and the feeling of forgiveness that came from Sam's brief smile in his direction.

"Thankyou all." said Sam, "Meeting over. Let's get some drinks in here."

"And this is why you're such a good leader." said Bobby, already starting to hand out the bottles of beer.


	70. Chapter 70

  
Cas sat with Jules, Jack and Sam as they ate a simple supper, but he didn't partake. Sam and Jack did most of the talking and he could tell that Sam was trying to keep off the subject of his reasons for his little speech. 

Cas felt bad for assuming that Mary had talked and he was sorry that his guilty conscience had led to an unnecessary confession, but there was also relief that it was no longer a guilty secret. He wasn't fond of those. He still worried about Sam's real reason and the glance at Jules which had suggested that she was a part of it.

He wanted to ask one of them, but he also didn't want to know. Maybe Sam had just looked at Jules to manipulate him into making the promise, but that wasn't Sam's style. Dean's, yes. Dean would use any dirty trick he could think of, but Sam was not the type.

Suddenly, Sam looked at him and said, "I know you weren't happy about promising what you promised."

"You were right." said Cas, "We need to protect everyone." He wasn't going to say more, but again, his guilt got the better of him. "And what I did was idiotic."

"What you did was inspired," said Sam, "And brave. And if it had worked, it could have saved Dean and the planet. Of course, if it had gone wrong, it could have lost us our only angel and destroyed everyone's morale because, believe it or not, you are one of the most loved members of the team."

"I'm sorry, but I don't believe that." said Cas.

"Of course you don't." said Sam, "You knew the risk and you took it because you think you have 'Expendable' stamped across your face."

"I took it because I had to try something. I had to make some effort to bring him home."

"And Sarah was considering a demon deal and don't think I haven't let some pretty suicidal ideas take root in my head."

"Sarah?" said Cas.

"Yes and having thought of it, she thought she saw the signs of the same thinking in others."

"The yarrow flowers." said Jules, "I didn't think she knew enough lore to know what I needed them for."

Cas shuddered. "A crossroads deal?"

"Just an idea." said Jules, "To be honest, I thought it was unlikely to work."

"Let me be very clear." said Sam, "It wouldn't work. You think if a demon could defeat Michael I wouldn't have raided Hell for their best by now?"

"Okay, so, since all plans have to be approved by you now, Sam, I think I have something that might work." she said.

"Something safe?" said Cas.

"Not safe, but with a fair chance of everybody coming out of it alive."

"We need a lot more than a fair chance." said Sam, "Whatever it is, no."

"That's not fair." she said.

"Sounded fair to me." said Cas.

"You're hardly impartial."

"I am an angel. I am objective." said Cas, quailing from the look he received for that.

"Okay, fair hearing." said Sam, "Tell me your plan."

"Cas used Bobby's soul as a power source. Human soul, angelic grace. That has to be the closest we can get to recreating the power of a nephilim."

"I don't think this Bobby will go for it." said Sam, "He like's Cas, but he doesn't entirely trust angels."

"My soul was the one I intended to use." said Jules.

"No!" said Cas, "Never! I could have killed Bobby and torn a sizeable chuck out of the universe."

"I'm not saying it should be our first option, but as a last resort, it has potential, right?"

"Wrong." said Cas, "I'd rather see the whole world burn."

"I thought you'd do anything to bring Dean back." she said.

"So did I." said Cas, "Turns out there is something I won't sacrifice, even for Dean."

"Bobby lived." she pointed out, "Sam, you can see this rationally, right?"

"I have to say, I'm with Cas on this one. My soul, fine. I'd give that for Dean in a heartbeat, but yours? Aside from your worth as a hunter and the fact you are family, Cas can't handle making out with you without being overwhelmed ... "

"Not true." said Cas.

"You wanna get into specifics?" said Sam.

Cas shook his head.

"With your soul at risk, your life, Cas is not gonna be able to control the process."

"He did with Bobby, a close friend of his."

"Barely." said Cas, "And I was never in love with Bobby."

Jack looked earnestly at Jules and said, "You know how you said using me as a soul bomb was a bad idea?"

"What?" said Cas and Sam together.

"This is a worse one." said Jack.

"Jack," said Sam, "Your promise stops you from ever doing that." 

Jack waved a dismissive hand. "It's fine. Jules talked me out of it."

"Then we definitely need Jules to stick around." said Sam.

"Why didn't you tell me about this plan of Jack's?" Cas asked Jules.

"I dealt with it. You didn't need to know and you were not exactly Mr Stability at the time."

Sam sighed. "I feel like I'm herding lemmings."

"Did you know that lemmings don't actually do the mass suicide thing?" said Jack. His bright smile at having a wildlife fact to impart made Cas smile despite his turbulent emotions.

"Then maybe I'd be better off with lemmings." said Sam.

"Or meerkats." said Jack.

Jules laughed, almost choking.

"Why is that funny?" said Cas.

"Not important." said Jules.

Sam was suddenly very serious. "Now, I need you all to keep your promises, because if I lose any of you, I am all screwed to Hell and if Cas loses Jules or Jack, he won't come back from that."

"Or you." said Cas.

"Sorry?"

"I'm not losing any more Winchesters. I can't."

"How about we all just agree that we lost our minds for a time and we came up with ideas Dean would never have supported?" said Jules, "We messed up, all of us, because we were messed up by losing Dean. We'll find a way to get him back and it will be a way that doesn't need any of us to die or give up our soul."

"I can't believe you considered two ways to sacrifice yourself." said Cas.

She put her hand on his knee under the table. "How many ways did you consider?"

"I ... I ... " Words refused to form as his mind wove its many threads of thought around the fact that she was again touching his leg.

"Jules, unfair." said Sam.

"What is?" said Jack.

"I'll tell you in about fifteen years." said Sam.

"You think any of us will still be here in fifteen years?" said Jack.

"You'd all better be." said Cas.

"I might take a shower before bed." said Jules.

Cas closed his eyes for a second to control the flood of images that filled his mind. When he opened them again, he said, "Good idea. I need to make a call."

"Everyone, just be sensible." said Sam.

"I think Dean would be pleased to know so many people would sacrifice themselves for him." said Jack.

"No, Dean would be pissed. Dean would yell at each one of you. And if any of you go through with it, Dean will blame me."

"We won't." said Jules, "We know the pressure you're under. None of us intended to add to it."

"Okay. Thanks." said Sam. He turned to Cas. "This phone call, anything I need to worry about?"

"No. Just checking in with Rowena."

"Do I need to worry about that?" said Jules.

Cas smiled. It was a little flattering to be considered at risk from Rowena's desires. "Rowena is many things," he said, "But not a realistic rival for you in anything but high witchcraft."

"Keep saying things like that and you might get another look at my tattoo." she said.


	71. Chapter 71

Cas went and sat in the Impala to make his call. It was late and nobody was hanging around in the garage. In fact, nobody liked to spend much time around the Impala for now. 

Rowena didn't answer at once. She liked to keep people waiting and had no intention of making an angel think she was at his beck and call, but he knew that was why she waited and he found it amusing.

"Ah, you can't keep away, can you?" she said at last.

"I suppose that there's no point in asking if you have anything on Dean." he said.

"For an archangel, your Michael is very inconspicuous."

"Not my Michael."

"I would have thought there would be some boiling seas by now, or at least a few people getting smited. Or is it smitten?"

"I think smitten is more what happens when they meet you." he said.

"Now, Castiel, you must stop all this flirting and flattery." she said.

"Very well." he said, "To business, then."

"When I said stop, I didn't mean just stop dead." she said.

"I don't have a lot of time."

"Why not? What's going on?" she said, far, far too interested.

"I have to check on some warding. It's not important. I just needed to tell you that any experiments with grace will have to wait."

"Are you losing faith in my trustworthiness?" she asked, sounding mildly offended.

"No, I never really had any."

"You may have taken the no flattery thing too far the other way."

"All you need to know is that I made a promise not to do anything suicidal or stupid."

"I suppose letting an evil witch play with your mojo does fall rather neatly into both categories. I take it the promise was to Sam?"

"Yes."

"And you won't break the promise?"

"No. I won't. It's important." he said.

"So were the experiments you proposed." she said.

"They still are, but I'd have to convince Sam that they are necessary or myself that they do not constitute a risk to my existence."

"I could possibly convince you of that, given enough time, enough wine and surroundings conducive to my craft."

"Witchcraft?"

"Older and deeper magic." she said in a tone that, were he human or subject to human desires, might melt his resistance in a moment.

"For now, the promise stands and I must comply with it. At some future time, the situation may change. I hope so, because I still think much that is of use to both of us could come out of the work."

"I'm certain of it. Perhaps I could convince Sam. He and I have a certain understanding. I'm sure I could persuade him to give his blessing, especially if we were sufficiently vague about the exact nature of the experiments."

"No. I'm not going to trick Sam into agreeing." he said. He felt guilty enough about what he had already done.

"Of course not! You're an angel. Leave the trickery to the wicked witch and keep your conscience clear."

"That's not how a conscience works." he said.

"I wouldn't know. I was never encumbered with one. I'm assuming, then, that you want me to keep quiet for now."

"Yes, please."

"And in return for my silence?"

"Are you blackmailing me?"

She laughed. "No, dear, I'm playing with you and you wouldn't keep playing if you didn't like it. Tell me the name of your mystery lover. Just a first name. That's not too high a price."

"No. I'm not playing. The name is irrelevant."

"Then give it."

"And then you'll ask something else." he said.

"You have a suspicious nature." she said, "I like that in a celestial being. Mostly, they're bloodless automata. You have some life in you. You know, you and I would be a hell of a fling."

"And if I ever want to be flung into Hell, you'll be the first one I call."

There was a silence and then she said, in quite a different tone, "You and Sam stay safe. Be careful."

"You too." he said, "Do nothing to attract Michael's attention your way."

"Don't worry about me. My instinct for self-preservation is second to none. I have to survive or I'll never find out about your mysterious love life."

"Why does it interest you? It barely interests me."

"It ended badly?" she said.

"Your curiosity could get you into trouble." he said.

"And frequently has." she said.

"We'll talk again soon." he said.

"And flirt?"

"Absolutely not."

"Fidelity to your lost love?"

"No. Nothing like that." he said, "I've never lost a love."

"Oh. Interesting." she said.

"I should go." he said.

"I'll say nothing to Sam for now, but I don't make long, binding promises."

"If we ever want to do the experiment, silence now is best for all concerned." he said.

"Agreed." she said.

He stayed in the Impala a moment longer, looking at the seat beside him, the seat where Dean should be sitting. He felt the dread and despair returning and alongside them, the cool, calm, angelic voice that said, "You already know he's probably lost forever. You need to accept it. Live for what's left of the family. Live to honour his memory." Thoughts of his angel blade came to mind, a reminder that he had the means to end his pain. 

At the same moment, he thought of Jules, washing her long limbs in a hot shower, running her strong hands through her jasmine-scented hair. His wise, angelic self had nothing hopeful to offer, but his animal vessel and the human emotions that it inspired and that Dean had taught him to feel, were telling him to seek comfort in her arms and hope in their future.

He found her outside his room, talking to Sam, her skin glowing from her shower, her eyes bright and all around her, that scent of jasmine. He wanted to tell her how much he needed her embrace, but Sam's presence made that feel awkward. 

She took one look at his face and said, "I'm tired, Cas. Let's go to bed. We can talk, if you want, then you can zap me to sleep with those magic fingers."

"I have magic fingers." he said to Sam, aware that he was smiling oddly.

Sam looked from one to the other and said, "Don't ever mention that to Dean. Things would get weird."

They said goodnight to Sam and then slipped into the comfortable refuge that was his room. Before her shower, she had turned on the light to the left of the bed.

"How bad?" she said.

"I shouldn't have gone near the Impala." he said.

She gently took off his coat and led him to the bed. As he lay down, she dropped her robe onto the chair and wriggled into place beside him in tank top and leggings. They were close in height and accustomed now to their nocturnal cuddles and their bodies seemed to fit together perfectly. Her proximity fired off all the usual swirl of feelings, erotic and otherwise, but the one he felt most was the deep peace of her acceptance and love.

"When I think about ... I lose hope." he said, "I lose hope so fast ... "

"How can I help?" she said.

"You're helping now." he said, "I knew I needed to be with you."

She smiled and snuggled closer, before turning off the light. "I love you." she whispered.

His eyes were untroubled by the darkness. Her face was clearly visible to him, though he knew her human eyes could not see his. "You're beautiful." he said.

"Cas, even my best friends wouldn't go further than pretty."

"I have better eyes." he said. Knowing she could not see his expression gave him courage. "I have a confession to make." he said, "And it may be bad."

She kissed him lightly on the lips. "Tell me." she said.

"I think about you naked ... a lot." he said, "I mean, sometimes my head is just full of images of our naked bodies in various ... I may be a pervert." 

She laughed. "No, you're not."

"You're sure? And you're not repelled?"

"Just glad I'm not the only one." she said.

"You mean you think those thoughts too?" he said.

"All the time."

"Oh." he said, "By the way, I need to look at your tattoo."

"Need to, huh?" she said.

"Yes. It's not the pervert thing. It's just that I told Rowena I had to look at some warding and that's some warding."

"Cas, you're not the most conventional boyfriend, but you are never boring."

"So I can see it?"

She turned on the light and exposed her hip. "Knock yourself out."


	72. Chapter 72

Alone in one of the archives, Sam was doing some late homework. He had dismissed the idea of Jules letting Cas tap her soul, but he felt she might be on the right track. A nephilim did combine grace with a soul and that did seem to give nephilim immense power. Very possibly, a human soul in the hands of an angel might not be equal to the power of a nephilim, but it would surely increase the power of the angel and any boost was better than none.

Then too, there might be some way to use such power to kickstart a nephilim who had temporarily lost their grace. So far, none of the books he was reading gave that a flat no.

The lights flickered. They had been doing that for a while and he had checked twice that the bunker was not breached. Sometimes a flicker might just be old wiring, but it was strange that the usually reliable lights of the bunker were acting up now. The flickering was not helping the headache that was reminding him of the need for sleep. He closed the book he was reading, leaving an old envelope as a bookmark.

He took out his phone and called Sarah. 

"Hello, Sam!" she said.

"Sorry to call so late." he said.

"Don't worry about that. I couldn't sleep. I made some soup. I was thinking of calling you, only I didn't want to wake you."

"Never worry about that." he said, "Hunters don't really sleep, we just nap between disasters."

"Do you have a disaster now?" she said.

"No, just some electrical disturbances. Probably nothing."

"Where is Castiel?" said Sarah.

"He's safe. Curled up in bed with Jules. She has this amazing ability to soothe him. I was a little worried earlier, but the moment they were together, he just seemed to relax."

"Sometimes," she said, "When Castiel's emotions are engaged, he causes lights to flicker and machinery to malfunction. I once heard laughter from their room and the lights in the hallway were flashing on and off."

"Oh." said Sam.

"Don't mention it to either of them. It's a private matter and they'd be mortified if they thought I knew." She chuckled softly. "He tells me how passionless he is, but when they're alone together, the sparks are real. He is so in love with her."

"Yeah, he is." said Sam, "So, hopefully, the issue with the lights means they're having a good time."

"That's what it usually means, I think, but of course, he's also disruptive to the local electrics when distressed."

"I hope it's the first thing."

"Being around her is good for him." said Sarah.

"She's good for everyone." he said, "She's been very supportive since Dean ... "

"For me too." said Sarah quickly, sparing him the need to finish the sentence. "Now, how are you?"

The lie came automatically to his lips, but it died there. Sarah had a right to the truth. "Missing Dean." he said, "Looking for any way to save him, even to find him. Everyone is making crazy plans. I made them all promise, Jules included, not to act on those plans without consultation."

"Good." she said.

"And it would help a lot if I could get the same promise from you." he said.

"As I said, my life is almost over anyway and I have no big thing about going to Heaven. If my life, death or soul can save Dean, here I am, ready to go."

"Sarah ... " he began.

"But I swear I will not do it unless you agree."

"You know that I will never agree."

"Then I'll never do it. But if you need me to ... "

"I won't. Sarah, when Dean gets back, I'll need you. We don't know what state he'll be in and me ... I can't help him with the small stuff, like Hell."

"Hell's small stuff now?"

"Compared to this. Wouldn't you agree?" he said.

"Yes, sadly, I would. This is an invasion of his mind and body, a violation of his soul."

"Only you or Cas will have a hope of reaching him. And Cas is so tangled up in his own guilt about it, I think he'll be in almost as bad a state as Dean."

"And you'll be fine, of course." she said.

"To be honest, I'm trying not to think what condition I'll be in. The truth is, I'm at my limit now. I feel like I'm one step in any direction from screaming insanity. The only thing holding me together is the fact these guys need me. With Dean back, they may not. Assuming Dean is Dean enough to lead them."

"They'll need you. He'll need you more. Where he is now, he's cut off and alone. When he comes back, he'll need you more than anyone else. You've always been there. You understand him in a way neither Castiel nor I can, not even your mother, though she tries. He'll need to lean on you a lot."

"I know." said Sam, "And I'm here for him. Whatever he needs, I can do it. After all he's done for me ... and he did this for me."

"It will be hard, Sam. Just seeing him that damaged will be torture for you."

"I'm fine with torture. Used to it." he said, knowing that nothing in his life had prepared him adequately for the broken creature Dean was likely to be.

"You're the strongest man I know and I have never met anyone who loved his brother more."

"But?" he said.

"But you can't do this alone."

"No. I need you. That's what I'm saying." he said.

"And I'm here and I will be here as long as I'm still breathing, but you'll need to lean on me and on Castiel like Dean needs to lean on you."

"You want honesty, not avoidance." he said.

"I always said you were intelligent."

"I know I'm not good at that."

"But you said you'll do what Dean needs and he needs you to do that."

His grip on the phone was beginning to hurt his hand. He hadn't noticed how tense he had become. Sarah was right and he knew it, but he was afraid.

"Sam?" she said, "Can you do it?" Over his head, the lights flickered on and off a few times.

"For Dean? Yeah, for Dean, anything."

"And now, I think you should go to bed."

"I wouldn't sleep and the way the lights are fritzing, Cas is not available to zap me. I'll just do some more reading and let exhaustion put me to sleep later."

"If you get no sleep tonight, get him to put you to sleep in the morning." said Sarah.

"I will. Don't worry. I'm okay. Staying tired stops me thinking too much."

"I don't think so." she said.

"Well, it's a theory I'm sticking with for now. You should try to sleep too."

"I will soon, but it's hard to sleep when all my boys and sweet Jules are so troubled."

"I'm taking care of the ones here. When we find Dean, I'll take care of him too."

"Don't forget to take care of Sam." she said, "He may be the one most in need of some kindness."

"He gets plenty of kindness from a crazy bee lady." he said.

She laughed. "Sleep well, Sam Winchester. You are one in a million."

"So are you. Sweet dreams." he said. He ended the call, put the phone into his pocket and leant back in the chair, rubbing his weary eyes.


	73. Chapter 73

Jules lay beside Cas, glad that the light was on and she did't have to guess at his expression, because she knew his delicate mental state could go either way. He seemed okay. He was looking at her with a slight smile on his lips and he reached out to stroke her cheek.

"Your eyes seem brighter." he said.

She smiled. "You gave them a reason to shine." she said, "How do you feel?"

"I have no idea." he said, but he didn't sound anxious about it, just curious.

"But you're happy?" she said. When he didn't respond, she realised it was too difficult a question. He was trying to assess whether every thought in his head was a happy one and if he thought for too long, his grief for the loss of Dean would take over. "Are you happy about this?" she said.

"I am a little worried about my imagination." he said.

"Trust me, your imagination is great." she said. She had not expected their intimate interlude and when it had begun, had not expected him to be so creative. It wasn't sex, but she couldn't fault him on the foreplay.

"It failed to capture how you would look naked." he said.

"I look like everyone else. disappointingly human." she said.

"Why? What species do people want you to resemble?" he said. He had no concept of photoshopped bodies, insane diets and fake perfection. She loved him for that.

"You could get naked too." she said, "Then I could reciprocate."

He looked tempted, for a moment, then he said, "No. Not now. I am barely in control of my passions now. I need the clothes to shield me from the effect you have on me."

"And you're more comfortable giving pleasure than receiving it?"

"Until Dean is found ... "

"I know, nothing more than kissing."

"Not because I don't want more."

"I know. Trust me, I also feel weird about being happy or feeling good when he's out there alone. I know it's worse for you. But thanks to your broad and flexible interpretation of kissing ... "

"No. Not yet." he said, "What just happened was the limit. I need to be in control of my feelings, especially now, when my default state is close to crazy."

"I just think you should get some pleasure."

He lay back and grinned at the ceiling. "I put that light in your eyes. I made you happy. I finally found a way to express my love in physical form. All of those things brought me pleasure. But we must limit the pleasure for me, unless you want to see an angel combust."

"Your eyes got a little glowy too." she said.

"Did they? See? You have a powerful effect on me as it is."

"We also made the lights flicker again."

"It's lucky nobody saw that. Could raise some questions." he said, "I don't want to tell anyone about this, but keeping secrets is hard for me. When we see the others, I'll try for inscrutable, but I should warn you, I generally miss by miles."

"When a person's worst fault is that lying doesn't come naturally to them, that's a good thing." she said.

"I have worse faults than that." he said.

She moved over to kiss him, one hand on his chest. "Don't you start listing them now. You know I won't tolerate anyone badmouthing my angel."

"Abuse of power." he objected.

"What power? I'm the human in this relationship."

"You're naked." he said, "That's power."

"I had no idea showing you the tattoo would lead to this." she said, "That is one powerful tattoo. Now, I don't want to put ideas in your head, but I need to ask, do you feel bad about this? Does it feel debasing or defiling or wrong?"

He thought about it, then said, "No, actually it doesn't. It feels pure and sacred and right. Love doesn't defile. It exalts."

"Good." she said, "So it could happen again."

"I hope it will." he said, "But now, you should sleep. You said you were tired. You wanted my magic fingers."

"That was before I discovered your magic tongue." she said.

He looked embarrassed. "Don't talk like that. How can I manage inscrutable when you say things like that?"

She kissed him again, her lips lingering on his. She knew he had no idea how adorable he was to her, or how his sweet confusion and disorientation enchanted her. All her loathing for angels deserted her when she looked at him, the one angel who was as they all should have been.

"When I said I was tired, that was for Sam's benefit. I didn't want to talk in front of him about how much you needed a little care. I just wanted to get you in here so I could take the edge off your loneliness and pain."

"I didn't think either was so obvious."

"Like you said, keeping secrets is not your thing. You do a good job of hiding things from the others, for a while, but you're all that matters to me, so I tend to focus on the stuff they miss, like that thousand year stare of yours and the way you need and fear a loving touch."

"Needing it is new to me. Angels don't ... "

"I sometimes think all angels have ever needed is a daily hug. You're all so starved of affection. I can't make up for millions of years of neglect, but that doesn't mean I won't try. You think you're cold and heartless, but you're not. And not being that way after so little kindness has been sent your way shows that you have a big heart."

He closed his eyes as if in pain.

"What is it?" she said.

"I live in fear of the moment when you realise how far beneath you and all your kind I truly am." he said, "Because the day it happens, it may kill me."

"What if I see you more clearly than you do?" she said.

"You don't." he said. He opened his eyes. "And you are tired."

"A little." she admitted, "But if you need to talk, I can stay awake all night. I know the nights can be lonely for you."

"No." he said, "Not when I can hold you. Waking or sleeping, you bring me peace."

"Then put me to sleep." she said, rolling back onto her side of the bed.

He sat up. As he reached out his hand, she caught it and kissed it. "I love you, Castiel."

He cupped her cheek for a moment. "Don't ever think that I don't want to do more and be more to you."

"I know how difficult every step is for you and if this is as far as we get, it's enough." she said, "It's more than I sometimes thought we'd have."

"It's not enough." he said, "You deserve everything."

"So do you and if you want it, we'll get there." she said.

"Goodnight, my love." he whispered and gently put her to sleep.


	74. Chapter 74

Bobby put an artery-threatening stack of bacon and eggs down on the table and sat down opposite Sam. He looked at Sam's healthier breakfast and shook his head. "How you're still upright is a mystery to me. You don't eat enough to sustain a small fruit fly."

"I eat plenty." said Sam.

"Yeah, you eat plenty and you sleep plenty, so the guy I see living on toast and salads and haunting the library all night must be some other dude who just looks a lot like you."

"I never claimed to sleep much." said Sam.

"Pretty much not at all." said Bobby.

"Difficult to sleep when my brother is being ridden around by you-know-who."

Bobby nodded. "Yeah, must be. I didn't mean to offend."

"It's fine, Bobby. I know I'm not doing great, but your breakfast isn't exactly ideal either."

"I figure the Apocalypse didn't kill me, so nitrates are not gonna do me much harm. What was the deal with the lights last night? For a second, I thought we were under attack."

"I guess the old wiring here isn't perfect." said Sam, anxious not to make things awkward for Cas and Jules, "Don't mention it to Castiel. He worries about electricity."

"That angel has so many weird hang-ups."

"Tell me about it," said Sam.

"Reminds me of a cat I used to have." said Bobby, "Wouldn't sleep on anything but cotton and wool and freaked out over shadows. Didn't turn a hair when a witch walked in and threw me across the room, but shadows scared the hell out of him. Best mouser we ever had, but crazy."

"Well, Cas is also the best mouser we have, so I'm fine with him being a little high strung." said Sam, "For now, I don't want anything said around him that might cause issues."

"On account of him being always one wrong word away from going nuclear?"

"His state of mind is delicate. It'll stay that way until we find Dean."

"And if we never get Dean back?"

"That's not an option, for Cas or for me."

"Don't get me wrong. I'm all for turning over every stone ... twice, but maybe there is nothing left to save."

"I know." said Sam, "But if that's true, there's nothing left of me either and Cas ... well, he might stick around for Jack, so might I, but neither of us will ever feel the same or have a shred of hope to cling to."

"You ever think maybe you over-invest in your brother?"

"No." said Sam, giving Bobby a look that he hoped made clear the futility of any further discussion.

"If you don't need me today," said Bobby, "And I'm gettin' the feeling you don't, I thought I might swing over by Sarah's farm and get some work done on her barn. I was thinking of asking Mark to lend a hand."

"Good idea." said Sam.

Jules came in, followed by Cas. "Great idea." said Jules, "Could I get a ride? I should make sure Sarah and the chickens are okay and then I could bring my Jeep back here. I have a feeling Cas and I are staying at the bunker for a while."

"Sounds like a plan." said Bobby.

"I'll need a volunteer for a supply run later." said Sam, "Just groceries and beer."

"I can do that." said Cas.

"You?" said Bobby.

"Why not me? I have my car. I can handle a shopping trip. I won't mess up and bring alcohol-free beer." He looked sheepishly at Sam and added, "Not again. Dean was pretty clear on why that was wrong. I didn't know there was alcohol-free beer. I always thought the whole point of beer was the alcohol."

"So did Dean, hence the rant." said Sam.

"It's not that I think you're not capable." said Bobby, "Just seems a waste, sending our one angel off on a beer run. Seems we should be using you for something bigger."

Cas ignored Bobby and appealed to Sam. "Sam, I need to do something. If there were something bigger I could do, you know I'd do it. In accordance with the Pact, I'm telling you, honestly and openly that I am trying to stay sane ... trying to stay alive. To do either, I need to have a purpose, even if it's just to gather hygiene supplies, chips and beer."

"Maybe Jules should go with you." said Sam.

"In case I break and run?"

"In case you need a friend." said Sam, "We're all worried about you. In accordance with the Pact, I'm telling you, the thought of you being alone right now scares me. You went to Stull. That scares me."

Jules spoke quietly. "If I thought there could be any risk to Cas, you know I wouldn't go to Ionia. I've been with him all night and he's strong and trying to be positive."

"Okay," said Sam, "It'll take me a while to compile a list, but when I have one, you can do it."

"Thankyou, Sam." said Cas.

"I trust you. I do. It's just that, right now, I feel a need to keep everyone close ... safe. But that's my issue, not yours."

"I feel the same need." said Cas, "I understand completely. It gives me a great deal of comfort to have Jules with me, but that's partly why I need to do this, so I don't smother her or become dependent on having her in sight. I could easily fall into obsession."

"Sounds like you're very much in control of the situation." said Sam.

"Trying hard to be." said Cas. He looked at Jules and she smiled self-consciously.

"Is something wrong?" said Sam.

"Nothing is different in any way from any other day." said Cas quickly.

Sam smiled. Whatever had made the lights flicker, Cas was not ready to talk about it, but that didn't mean it hadn't been significant to him.

In accordance with the Pact. Cas had said the Pact meant nothing unless Dean were with them, but now he was talking as if it were still valid. That had to be a good sign. He reflected that he had also let the Pact slide. From the best of motives, he had probably not made the best decisions about what to share and what to conceal.

He had also made a promise to Sarah. He waited until Bobby and Jules had left the room and then said, "Cas, Sarah suggested I should get you to put me to sleep for a few hours."

"I could have put you to sleep last night." said Cas.

"Yeah, I know. Maybe I should have asked."

"You can always ask."

"Yeah, like you can always talk to me. Only we don't, do we? And I figured you and Jules needed some time alone."

Cas glanced at the floor. "That was thoughtful of you."

"But now, I'm asking. I just need an hour, maybe two. No dreams. Definitely no dreams."

"You're dreaming about Dean?"

"Only when I sleep." said Sam.

"Which is why you barely do." said Cas.

"That and the fact that it feels like wasting time."

"Time is all we have. You should spend some of it not thinking about Dean."

"Easier said than done." said Sam.

"Believe me, I know. Come on. You gave me time with Jules last night. The least I can do is grant you a brief oblivion."

"Thanks, Cas. I appreciate it."

"Would you have asked if Sarah hadn't told you to?"

"No. I don't think I would."


	75. Chapter 75

With Sam safely consigned to a dreamless sleep, Cas went to his own room. He had never understood why Dean found its Spartan nature disturbing or understood how clutter could comprise a sense of settling into a place, but everything Jules had left there, from the comb on the nightstand to the jacket hung on the back of the door, made the little room seem more of a haven to him.

Wandering alone, he had been so sure that he could not justify remaining a part of her life and even when he went to meet her at the farm, an ending to their relationship had seemed inevitable if not imminent. She had looked at the broken mess in the doorway and she had said, "Come to bed."

He felt he should have told Sam what his consideration had allowed. Had anyone intruded on their room in the night, he knew it would never have happened. Only alone with Jules, forgetting the world beyond the door for a while, could he have dared to touch her and kiss her in the ways he had, but he could not have found the words to tell Sam.

That humans were naked under their clothes had seemed a mere functional fact and although the sight of a naked female form had sometimes awoken feelings in his borrowed body that confused him and unsettled him, only her nakedness had become a spiritual experience and the unspoken covenant between them seemed too sacred to be shared, even with Sam.

The bed was made. When she had gone for her morning shower, he had occupied himself with tidying the room, but angelic memory was perfect and with every glance at the bed, he could see her lying there, that light glittering in her eyes, unmocking laughter on her lips and he could hear her whisper his name and taste again the nectar he had discovered for the first time. Any new discovery amazed him, after all those ages of watching the world, but that one had been a revelation indeed.

Her joy in his love had been another. His limited, controlled, focused love that denied them both complete fulfilment because he could not tear his mind away from his lost brother seemed like it should be a disappointment. He would not have blamed her if her response had been bitter contempt, when her love had no limits that he had found. 

She had looked into his eyes and smiled. She had spoken his name with reverence and gratitude. She had understood that he was giving her all that he could and she had accepted the gift as if it were all she could desire.

She was human and he never would be. He still felt the doubts that he could ever be allowed to touch one of her kind, the people he existed to protect. Michael ... this world's Michael, would have called it dereliction of duty or worse. His own conscience often declared it sacrilege or blasphemy. She belonged with a Winchester, not some bloodless automaton as Rowena had called the angels. But the Winchesters said she belonged with him. She had chosen him and she knew better than anyone how worthless angels were.

He had now made a decision, in any case. Rightly or wrongly, he had given her that ring, that promise and she had made a like promise to him and they were, in their own eyes, if no-one else's. betrothed, pledged and committed. 

In the undercrofts of his mind, uncomfortable whispers reminded him that there might be a high price to pay for such presumption, that his love for her might be his deepest and most unforgivable fall of all, but Heaven lacked the imagination to devise a punishment more terrible to him than the thought of not holding her in his arms or never again hearing her voice. Even a torture lasting centuries could not make an impression on the mind that carried a memory of her in his arms.

He still wanted to find a way to use his grace to make something that could protect her when ... if he predeceased her, but that would have to wait until he could persuade Sam to sanction the idea. Either that or he would have to wait until Dean returned and the rules were relaxed. That felt possible now. Two nights with her and anything seemed possible.

  
He heard a light knocking on the door. "Are you there?" said Jack.

"Yes." said Cas, "Just a second." He moved her comb a fraction of an inch, just to feel it under his fingers and remind himself that it was real. Then he turned and opened the door, stepping quickly outside. He didn't know why he didn't want Jack in his room, but it seemed important to him at that moment.

"Sorry." said Jack, noticing the lack of a welcome and misinterpreting it, "Are you busy?"

"No, not at all." said Cas, trying for casual insouciance and missing it by several zip codes.

"What's wrong?" said Jack.

Jack was too young to ever understand. Cas barely understood at all and he was ancient. This infant nephilim knew nothing of complicated adult human emotions. He almost said, "Angel stuff." and left it at that, but that would hurt Jack and that was unfair, but Jack was waiting for an answer and he had no easy answer to give.

"Castiel?" said Jack.

"You know how I am with change." said Cas.

"What's changed?" said Jack.

Cas looked at the closed door behind him. "Everything. Jack, I can't explain. Even if I had the words, they would be meaningless to you. Loving Jules ... "

"Oh, good. I thought I'd done something wrong. I thought you were sad, but you're just finding happy complicated."

Cas smiled. Jack had, in his innocent, straightforward way, made perfect sense of the confusion. "Exactly." he said.

"I'm so glad you didn't screw things up with her."

"There's still time."

"Don't. You need this and you deserve it and just once, I want to see you get what you deserve."

"What did you want me for, anyway?" said Cas.

"There's dust on the Impala. With Dean away, I thought we should clean it."

"Good idea." said Cas.

"Should we check with Sam first?"

"Sam's sleeping. He'll wake in a few hours. I think we can assume his permission for this."


	76. Chapter 76

Sarah and Jules were in the parlour, drinking tea. "I'll admit," said Sarah, "I wasn't expecting to see you or Castiel today."

"It's strategic." said Jules, glad to have someone she could discuss the strategy with, "He needs a sign that I trust him. He thinks we don't trust him. He doesn't even trust himself."

"And do you trust him?" said Sarah.

"Not really, but I'm trying to. I trust him in so many things. He'll be faithful. I know that. I trust him not to hurt me in any way. His word is good, always. It's just that I know how little it could take to make him overcome his programming and destroy himself. He needs me to believe he won't do that, so he can believe it too. I'm trying to believe it."

Sarah nodded to the ring on Jules's hand. "That ring means a lot. He's aware of how many times he has let people down and he won't make promises he can't keep. He chose to make one to you."

"Yes." said Jules, "That's why I'm starting to believe. He's doing a supply run for Sam today and I wish I could be with him, because the thought of him out alone with his head filled with fears about losing Dean is terrifying. But he will come home to me. Of course he will. He promised." She felt her voice shake a little as she said, "Unless he doesn't."

Sarah's smile was sympathetic. "I feel the same way whenever he leaves here. It's hard, knowing that no matter what his intentions and promises, Heaven can snatch him away or his despair can destroy him or he'll just wander away in search of something he may not even understand."

"Sometimes, he just stares off into the distance and I know that multi-layered mind of his is chasing thoughts I can't begin to comprehend. I'm afraid to ask about them because then he has to try to explain them at my level and thinking down that far is hard for him."

"Jules, I know no human can grasp all of his thinking, but no human has a better chance than you."

"I don't know. You seem to do okay."

"I try to counsel him as I would a human, but he's not human and at times, I struggle even to know what we're really talking about. And his relationship with Dean is so good for him when things are good and so bad when it goes wrong."

"He doesn't want to go on if Dean isn't coming back. He doesn't think e can. But Dean is mortal. We all are. One day, he's gonna have to live without all of us."

"I'm trying to prepare him for it." said Sarah, "When I first met him, he thought Dean was angry with him and he probably was, but I told him a real friend would forgive his mistakes and Dean did. He needed that so much. Even the thought of losing Dean's friendship was unbearable to him. He'd sit with the bees for hours ... days, trying to regain some equilibrium. On the worst days, he'd sit out there naked. He said it helped him to experience the connection without buffers or barriers."

Jules tried to picture that. She smiled at Sarah. "If the first time I get to see him naked is when he's asking the bees to fix his broken heart, that's gonna be a disappointment."

"You've never seen him naked?" said Sarah.

"Barriers and buffers. That damn coat! It's a wall against the world. He'll take the coat off for me, sometimes, but the shirt almost never comes off and any suggestion of ditching the rest ... "

"And it feels like rejection." said Sarah.

"Yes." said Jules.

"But it isn't. The shirt is a big deal. When he takes that off, he's shedding a lot of fortification. He's opening up to you in a way he usually won't consider."

"I tried to massage his shoulders and he couldn't handle it. He's afraid of physical intensity. All intensity scares him."

"Yes. That must be disheartening."

"It is."

"But, of course, it's also encouraging. Dear Castiel is actively choosing to be around you, to risk dropping those barriers, just for you. Now, when his heart is all torn up and terrified, he's still trying to hand it to you. Don't take it personally if sometimes his hands shake a little."

"I know that he loves me and I know he's trying so hard. When he lets himself get affectionate, it's wonderful. Last night ... " She stopped speaking, worried that Sarah might be shocked and uncertain how much she should tell.

"He got affectionate?" said Sarah.

"Very. And he was happy. He wanted to give me pleasure and he did, but when I wanted to do the same for him, he refused. I know a lot of it is about Dean, but a lot of it isn't. He still struggles with the idea of being the object of love. He's also scared to lose control, to feel too deeply."

"Yes. I think what you need to remember is that, with all those fears running around his head all the time, he's still trying. I don't think he would for anyone else. He once told me stagnation is safety. He's a lot less obsessed with safety now."

"Not always, but I feel he is committed to this relationship now. If Heaven doesn't reset him and Dean doesn't die, we have a good chance." She laughed. "I'm a starry-eyed optimist, aren't I?"

"You're perfect for our angel."

"I hope so, because he's perfect for me. Never thought I would fall for an angel. That was never on the cards. In my world, they were worse than the demons."

"I think some of them are here, too." said Sarah.

"Maybe, but not him. Not Cas."

"No, never him."

"Love never seemed like a realistic prospect after the world went to crap. In that world, I was a bitter survivor of war and love and I just wanted to be free of both. Now, here I am, feeling like a teenager about an angel who hides behind a trenchcoat. That may make me crazy,"

"There are worse ways to be crazy. At least you love one of the best men."

"He says he isn't a man. He denies being a person."

"He takes humility a little too far, but we'll help him overcome that."


	77. Chapter 77

The shopping trip had gone well and Cas had rather enjoyed it. His first few forays into the world of commerce had been stressful and confusing, but he felt he was getting it now. The groceries were neatly arranged in the trunk of his car, the right beers, a few bottles of whisky he had added to the list for Bobby, Mary and Sam, a cherry pie, in case Dean came home and wanted some, sacks of rice and potatoes, various cuts of meat, candy for Jack, heavy on the nougat. He felt he had done a good job.

He sent a text to Sam, "All done, home soon." To Jules he sent, "I love you. Back soon."

He was just getting into the car when Sam's reply came, "Thanks. Drive safe."

A moment later, a row of hearts flashed up from Jules.

He switched on the music. "Grow apple trees and honey bees and snow white turtle doves." sang out as he began the drive home.

"Turtle doves are not white." he said quietly, but he was not overly irritated. After all, one did not "grow" bees. He liked the song anyway. It made him think of Sarah's farm. She had the bees, the apple trees and if she lacked the turtle doves, there were some pigeons about the place.

Dean would hate the song. He'd mutter about "Damn hippies!" and snarl until something with more bass came along. Dean liked to snarl at peace and love. It made him feel that life without either was a choice. 

Cas understood that. He felt the same temptation, to dismiss as worthless the things he couldn't have. He had often looked at romantic entanglements with a jaundiced eye, thinking how sad it must be for humans to endlessly long for an improbably extended hormonal high, because that had been easier than thinking how ridiculously unlikely it was that anyone would ever look at him and see a partner in that sense.

His scowling, like Dean's, had seemed a sensible approach, but it had brought neither consolation nor contentment. It had been a mask, behind which he had tried to hide his loneliness. He thought of Jules, kissing him in the night and cynicism seemed a lot less appealing. Maybe there was someone out there for Dean too.

He was pleased with himself for thinking of Dean in the present tense and considering his future; a happier future, perhaps. He was staying positive and being hopeful and Sarah and Jules would be proud of him. It still hurt like Hell to have Dean lost and in peril, but he was holding despair at bay and believing there could be a good end to all of it.

Positive thinking was a lot easier when he knew he would be sharing his bed with Jules, her soft thighs and sighs and nakedness. It helped, too, to know that she believed Dean would return, believed it with all the determination of a religious conviction while he, who had literally been built for blind faith, struggled daily to make himself believe.

Jules called herself an atheist, not because she didn't believe in God, but because, as she had explained, she had no intention of encouraging Him. As an angel, Cas struggled to understand that, but he liked it anyway. Humans didn't always make sense, but he loved that about them. Angels made sense and he had come to understand that this was not a point in their favour.

Cas was enjoying driving along, listening to a variety of songs that would have met with derision from Dean and that Jules would have sung along with, tuneless but enthusiastic, adorable in her dorky delight and every bit as bad a singer as he was. The roads were quiet and the weather fine and he was being useful, taking needed supplies to his family, sustaining them in their long wait for ... He would come home. He had to come home. Without him, even Sam would eventually be worn down to a hopeless wreck and Sam was the strength and courage of them all.

Dean could turn up today. At any moment, Sam might call and say he was home. So often, the only thing needed was to hold on until things could get better and Dean's safe return would be the best thing ever. It would make all the pain and fear and confusion worthwhile.

He was singing "The Times, They Are A-Changing", if his strange lack of coordination with the music could be called singing, when the music ceased to matter, drowned out by such a loud, insistent proclamation from angel radio that he was unable to focus on anything else. Indeed, as the four words formed in his mind and he instantly understood them and felt their impact send his myriad thoughts into oblivion and reduce his whole being to those four terrible words, the universe whose weaving was a part of his very being, into whose warp and weft, he had long been tightly interlaced, ceased to exist. Nothing existed. Nothing was real. He did not exist.

"Dean Winchester is dead."

Then he was standing beside a damaged car, driven hard into the side of a tree, the damage to both extensive, but no damage at all to him. There had been an accident.

Dean Winchester was dead.

The car was not likely to want to continue on the journey and he wasn't sure he remembered how to drive it anyway. His phone was going crazy. Jack was calling him.

Dean Winchester was dead.

Jack would have heard it too. He needed reassurance and comfort and help to face the world without Dean. Sam would be next, howling his pain, needing a cool-headed angel brother to tell him there was something worth living for.

He turned off the phone. He could not help either of them. The worst had happened. Dean was dead. He heard his own voice, screaming in his head. To live on was to die a thousand deaths a day and the others could seek peace in sleep or drunkenness, but he was doomed to eternal clarity and wakefulness. 

Automatically, his angel blade slid into his hand. He raised it to his own throat and hesitated. The music was no longer playing, The car was badly damaged. He knew where he was. He knew the direction and distance to the bunker. He knew that the look in Sam's eyes would be a greater torture than the terrible news he had heard. One swift, decisive stab and it could be over. He would end his pitiful, worthless life with one final betrayal of those he loved.

Dean Winchester was dead ... the bastard.


	78. Chapter 78

Chapter 78.

Sam was heading for the kitchen when he heard an unusual argument. Jack never raised his voice to Jules or she to him. They were friends and they both loved Cas and there was no reason for them to allow conflict that could only hurt him. Yet here they were, in the corridor, Jack screaming, "Pray to him!" and Jules responding with, "No! Don't ask that!"

"What's wrong?" said Sam.

"He'll listen to you! Just try!" said Jack.

"I can't. You know I can't."

"Pray to him!"

Sam knew she could not and he knew how even asking it tortured her. "Jack!" he said, "Stop!"

Jack turned to him. "We need to get to Cas, now!"

"Why?" said Sam, "Cas is on a supply run."

"He thinks Dean is dead and he's not answering his phone." said Jack, "So we need Jules to pray to him."

"Dean is dead?" said Sam. Tremors began in his arms and legs and he could feel his knees about to buckle.

"No!" said Jack, "Cas thinks it, but it's not true. That's why we have tp get to him before ... "

Mark came along before Sam could answer Jack. "Sam, I'm glad you're here. We picked it up on the police scanner. A Lincoln Continental hit a tree. I called Bobby. He's heading there now to recover the car."

"The car?" said Sam, "What about Cas?"

"No driver at the scene." said Mark, "Given the damage to the car, the cops are assuming he's badly hurt and wandered away in a dazed condition. Of course, they don't know he's a frickin' angel."

"No." said Sam, trying to understand what was happening.

"A car accident couldn't hurt him, right?" said Jules.

Sam was still reeling from the news of Dean's apparent death, but he knew he had to offer some words of comfort. "With his grace intact, he's pretty much indestructible."

"Except he has his angel blade." said Jack.

"It's a car accident." said Sam.

"He drove into a tree."

"Knowing it wouldn't so much as bruise him." said Sam.

Mark handed him a tablet and pointed to the map on it. "The car's there. Farmland for miles. I'm guessing if the cops didn't find him, he's in a field somewhere."

"Okay. Jules, you and I will find him. Mark, tell Bobby to bring the car back. We'll get Cas. Anything new develops, let us know."

"I'm going too." said Jack.

"Fine, but don't yell at Jules. She'd pray if she could." He started to lead them to the Impala.

"He'd listen to her. He needs to know Dean isn't dead." said Jack.

"Why does he think Dean died?" said Sam.

"Angel radio. I heard it too, 'Dean Winchester is dead.' And Cas never questions angel radio."

"So why do you?" said Sam.

"Because it's Michael."

"His voice?" said Sam, not sure how angel radio worked.

"His message. Who else would send that out? Heaven keep pretty quiet because they know Cas can hear them and I don't think they know a lot about the Michael situation. It takes a long time for them to pick a response. Michael used angel radio to send it. And who did he send it to? I'm not sure he knows any angels here. I doubt he likes them."

"So you think ... "

"He used it for the same reason they don't. Cas is listening."

"And you think it's a lie?" said Sam.

"Don't you?"

"I want it to be." They got into the Impala, Jack in the back, Jules in the front. Jules was saying too little. "Are you okay, Jules?" he said.

"Stupid question." she said.

"Yes. Sorry." 

She turned to Jack, "Go on."

"If it were true, where's the need to send it out to Cas ... to us? Michael has no need or desire to keep us informed. If Dean's dead, we're pretty much irrelevant. Nobody to rescue, no chance of overcoming him. In fact, he'd use our desire to save Dean to lure us into a trap. There's only one reason to tell us Dean is dead and that's to stop us trying to save him."

"Makes sense." she said, "If Michael feels a need to crush our hope, it's not because he's killed Dean, but because he can't control him. Dean is not just alive, but fighting and Michael is risking the use of angel radio because he's out of other options to isolate Dean or force us to give up on him."

"I hope you're right." said Sam. Everything they were saying made sense, but he still felt the fear that Dean was lost. As he drove, he concentrated on forcing his own feelings down. Cas was alone and would believe angel radio, even though he knew how angels could lie. It was part of his programming. They needed to find him quickly, because he was the one Winchester who could not smother his feelings and pretend not to feel them.

"Please try." Jack said to Jules.

"Jack," said Sam, "You don't know what you're asking."

"Then you try!" said Jack, "I tried, but I don't think he's interested in me right now. He never ignores my calls."

"What about the mind link thing?" said Jules.

He turned his mind inwards for a moment and, to his surprise, found the link open. "He hasn't closed it." he said, "But if he doesn't want to be found, he'll close it as soon as I try to use it."

"If we don't try, same result, but we know we didn't try and so does he." said Jules, "Even if he closes it, he'll know you cared enough to look for him. That could be enough to save him."

"I'll try." said Sam. Silently, in his head, he said, "Cas, where are you? We're coming to find you."

He waited for a response, but none came. However, the link was not suddenly closed. "He's not dead." he sent into the silence.

No words came to him, but he felt a terrible emptiness. He was unsure whether it was his or whether it came from Cas.

"Anything?" said Jack.

"I don't know." said Sam, "I think he's hearing me, but I'm not sure he's listening."

"Keep trying!" said Jack.

Guilt and remorse flooded his mind. The merest whisper drifted through, saying, "I'm sorry, Sam. You shouldn't have found out like this."

"Okay," he said aloud, "He's there and he's communicating." Silently, he said, "Cas, listen, Dean is not dead. Michael lied."

"No." said Cas, sounding defeated.

"Where are you?" Sam asked him.

"Something went wrong. The car ... " Cas replied.

"We know about the car. We need to find you. Which way are you headed?"

The silence that followed felt far too long. Finally, there was a faint reply. "Home. There are fields."

Sam tried not to sound irritated by the unhelpful information. "Can you get back on the road?"

"The car ... "

"Yeah, screw the car, Cas. We're coming in the Impala. We just need you someplace we can find you."

"All the groceries are in the car." said Cas.

"Bobby is getting the car." said Sam, "You need to be near the road."

"Sam, I'm sorry." said Cas.

"Sorry for what? You did nothing wrong."

"The car ... "

"Forget the damn car!"

"I think I wrecked it."

"It's okay, Cas. It's fine. Just try to get to the road." He turned to Jack. "He's not sounding great, but he heard me."

"In what way not great?" said Jules.

"He's not accepting that Dean's alive. He keeps apologising about the stupid car."

"Did he say where he is?" she said.

"No, but he's heading home."

She looked at him, seeming to notice the tremors in his hands. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." he said.


	79. Chapter 79

Chapter 79.

  
Hearing Jack's frantic prayers and desperate denial about Dean had been painful for Cas. After that, another prayer, wordless and uncertain, but calling to him all the same. He had been struggling with his feelings about both when Sam had spoken in his mind. 

He had felt Sam's shock at the news and he hated the fact that Jack had told him, no doubt to explain the situation. Had he found the courage to tell Sam immediately, he could have broken the news with more care, but he had been too much of a coward, bringing pain to Sam and Jack, making things worse, as he always did.

They were coming to get him, in the midst of their own pain, troubling over him. Once more, a Winchester was going to save him. He was supposed to walk to the road and make it easier for them to find him, but his mind and body were disconnected. His legs were automatically carrying him, step by step. in the direction of the bunker. He needed to turn back and head for the road, but even as he thought that, the intention slipped away. Something deep in his being impelled him on his way, without hope or faith or even need. His heart's habit, stronger than any other thought, to keep making his way home.

Home had not meant Heaven for some time. The bunker and farm were home and he could not go to Sarah and tell her that Dean was dead. Sam should be the one to do that. Sam would tell her gently and wrap her in a warm hug and they would share their grief and so find whatever healing could be had. All Cas could offer either of them was his own brokenness. They were both filled with love and strength he had never possessed.

He was still walking across the farmland, well aware that he was going in the wrong direction. In his head, his own voice was saying, "Turn back, dumbass." But part of him didn't want to try too hard to make that rendezvous and make them responsible for him in his present state. Part of him felt that the long, lonely walk home would at least give him time to master his chaotic emotions.

He knew that was idiotic. It was Old-Cas thinking and it was the reason why he had screwed up so much. He didn't know if his problem was angelic hubris or his years of guilt and shame, but the thought of going to meet the car, appearing in his weakness and cowardice to Sam and potentially Jack too seemed too much for all concerned. His feet kept taking the path of least resistance and his head kept cursing them for it.

The words of the Pact came into his mind. "We are allowed, indeed, encouraged, to say we are not okay at any time and for any reason. We promise to try to be honest about it and trust that our brothers will not mock us or resent us for it." He stopped walking, surprised at how much of an effort it was. To stop himself going on again, he sat on the ground, cross-legged. He closed his eyes and dropped all sense of self-control, reaching out like a lost child to the brother who had never abandoned him. "Sam," he said, mind to mind, "I need help."

"How can I help?" said Sam.

"I can't turn back. I just keep walking."

"Get to the road, any road. Just tell me where you are and I will be there as soon as I can."

"Is Jack with you?"

"Jack and Jules." said Sam.

"How are they?"

"Worried about you."

"You've lost more than I have."

"Dean is alive." said Sam.

"No." said Cas.

"The message on angel radio was intended to make us give up." said Sam.

"That's not how it works." said Cas.

"You don't want to believe." said Sam.

It was true. To believe, even for a moment, meant accepting the truth again later. False hope was the cruellest of tortures. The sooner he accepted Dean's death and dedicated himself to endure without him, the easier it would be. As it was starting out all but impossible, he didn't want any delays to make it harder. "No." he said, simply.

Separate to the link, there it was again, an unspoken prayer, reaching out to him, meeting a resistance that didn't feel like it was his and struggling anyway to break through. It felt so fragile and weak, but it gave him strength. He stood. "I'm going to the road." he said to Sam. He spent a moment in silent orientation and then headed for the nearest road. As he went, he tried to show Sam an image of the route he was taking.

"We'll be there soon." said Sam, "Don't give up. Don't stop. We need you here with us. We need you safe. Together, we can handle anything. You know that, right?"

"Yes." said Cas, sounding uncertain, even to himself.

"We'll talk in person and we'll prove to you that Dean is still alive."

"Sam, this is denial."

"No it isn't." said Sam.

"With respect, Sam, that is precisely what someone in denial would say."


	80. Chapter 80

Sam arrived at the meeting place before Cas did. He parked the car and called Bobby, putting his phone on speaker. "What you got?" he said.

"It's a mess. Fixable, with a heap of spare parts, but it won't be quick." said Bobby, "Looks to me like he was trying to kill himself. I suggest we keep him on lockdown for the foreseeable."

"The accident had no chance of killing him." said Sam.

"Maybe he wasn't thinking too clearly." said Bobby, "Sam, his phone was on the passenger seat. His angel blade was under it. He'd never usually leave either. He's not playing with a full deck. Heck, he's barely clinging onto the jokers."

Sam glanced at Jules, knowing that was the last thing she needed to hear.

"Not helpful, Bobby." said Sam, "Cas is okay. He's heading here now."

"How do you know? He doesn't have his phone." said Bobby.

"I know. He's shaken, but he's sane. He just needs a minute."

"He needs supervision." said Bobby, "I'm only thinking of him. He's a danger to himself. You haven't seen what he did to the car."

"Yeah, well, you focus on fixing the car. I'll fix Cas. We'll see you later."

"Tell him I can fix it. He doesn't need to worry about the car." said Bobby.

"Yeah, will do." He ended the call.

"Bobby's right." said Jack, "He's suicidal. We have to watch him. We can't let him go off alone."

"When he knows Dean is alive, he'll be okay" said Sam.

"He ditched his phone! Even at his worst times ... even when he's running away, he never cuts himself off from me." said Jack and Sam heard the hurt and the fear in his voice. Just as Cas could not handle the thought of life without Dean, Jack could not consider a life without Cas.

"He also left the angel blade." said Jules quietly.

"Exactly!" said Jack.

"No. It's a good thing." she said, "We don't know whether the crash was an unthinking attempt to destroy himself or just him being distracted by the news, but we do know that after the crash, he consciously and deliberately left behind the only thing that could destroy him. I call that a hopeful sign."

Sam hadn't considered that, but as soon as she said it, it made perfect sense. He had been thinking of the angel blade as something precious to Cas, something he would only surrender or abandon under extreme circumstances, but now he was thinking differently. It had been the only thing with him that would allow him to die and he had left it and walked away. Jules knew him well. Her interpretation felt correct.

"There he is!" said Jack.

Cas looked a forlorn figure, walking unsteadily along the side of the road, eyes downcast, shoulders slumped. Sam had hoped he might find himself questioning the possibility that the message could be true and finding it doubtful, but it was despair, not doubt on his face.

All three of them were out of the car in seconds. Sam reached Cas first and took his arm and Cas leant against him as if all his energy had left him. Jules was quickly on the other side and took his hand.

"I'm sorry." he said, "I did exactly what you all feared I would do."

"No." said Jules, "You left the angel blade behind. You chose to stay with us. I almost lost the only thing in this world that matters to me and thanks to you, I didn't. Nothing to apologise for. We're fine."

"Honestly?" he said.

"I'm so proud of you right now." she said, "But I'm sorry too. I couldn't pray. Jack asked me to and I couldn't."

He looked into her eyes and said, "You did."

"No. I couldn't even form the words."

"I heard you. Sometimes, a prayer doesn't have to be in words. It was unexpected, because I know you don't pray, but I felt it and it helped me. So did yours, Jack."

Jack was in front of him. "Why did you crash the car?"

"I didn't." said Cas.

"Yes, you did." said Jules.

"I don't remember any crash."

"You remember everything that happened to you for ten thousand years." said Jack accusingly, "You told me so."

"Not the crash." said Cas.

"Did you hit your head?" said Sam, looking for any injury.

"He's an angel." said Jack, "A blow to the head wouldn't do a thing."

"I am unharmed." said Cas.

"Then you remember." said Jack.

"If I remembered, I would say so." said Cas.

"We can talk about this later." said Jules.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Obviously." said Jack.

"Jack, call Sarah." said Sam, "Tell her we're bringing her a damaged angel. I think she's gonna be more help than Bobby."

"I'm fine." said Cas, "I wasn't hurt."

Sam nodded. "We know, Cas, you're fine, but you're also in a lot of pain, so just let us take care of you, okay?"

"It's unnecessary."

"Just get in the car, Cas." said Jules. They guided him to the car and he and Jules got into the back seat, where she instantly took his hand and he rested his head on her shoulder. 

"I'm sorry." he said, to all of them or just her, it wasn't clear.

"Stop apologising." said Sam.

"Sorry." said Cas.

Jack got into the front seat, but kept looking back at Cas. "Dean isn't dead." he said.

"Jack, I know you want to believe that ... "

"It's the only conclusion that makes sense."

"Michael heard my attempt to contact Dean and decided to kill him. I'd say that makes perfect sense." said Cas. As usual, he had found a way to blame himself.

"No, it really doesn't." said Sam, "Jack's right. Why would Michael bother to tell us Dean was dead. He could have kept it a secret and lured us somewhere with hints that Dean was alive and escaping."

"Sam, you might want to close the link before you lie to me. I can feel your doubt."

"Look for mine." said Jack, "You can read my mind, if I let you."

"I don't want to."

"Because you think I'm lying or because you think you'll have to accept that there's still hope?"

"Because I know that you believe it because you need to believe it, because losing Dean would be the worst thing that could happen to you and you're scared that if you let the possibility take root in your mind, you will lose everything you are or could be and fall into an abyss of insanity and suffering." said Cas. Everyone but the angel himself knew he was talking about himself, not Jack.

"Take it easy." said Sam, "Just hold hands with Jules and think happy thoughts and we'll get you to Sarah."

"Does Sarah know Dean is dead?" said Cas.

"Dean is not dead." said Sam, hoping it was true.


	81. Chapter 81

Sarah was waiting for them at the roadside. Jack had told her what had happened over the phone and Sam could see she was concerned. He got out of the car and opened the door for Cas. "Come on." he said.

"We shouldn't be bothering Sarah with this." said Cas.

Sarah came to the car door. "Do you want to see the bees, instead of me?"

"No. I shouldn't be around the bees."

"Well, we know that's a bad sign, because the only times the bees don't love you is when you're all wrapped up in hating yourself." she said, "I can get in the car with you, if you want to make an old lady sit in a car when she could be in a comfortable chair."

He got out of the car. "You're manipulating me." he said,

"Yes, but only because I love you." she replied. She hugged him gently. "You look terrible."

"I was not harmed in the accident." he said, "These three are overreacting. They'd rather fuss over me than come to terms with what happened to Dean."

"Well, that's my area, isn't it? So let's get them inside and talk about all of it."

"I don't want to talk about it." said Cas.

"Maybe they need you to." she said.

"We do." said Sam.

Jules was out of the car now and she took Castiel's arm and led him into the house.

"I want to go home." he said in the parlour.

"This is home." said Jules.

Sarah stood in front of him, looking up into his eyes. After a moment, she said, "This seems like an overload situation."

"Yes." he said.

"We've dealt with those before. We need to go quiet, don't we?"

"Dean is dead." said Cas.

She took both his hands. "You're tired. You're exhausted. Everyone in this room loves you. We're your family Your head is full of racing thoughts. We don't need all those thoughts right now. Let's start by focusing on one thought. You are loved."

"I know, but ... "

"That seems like a different thought. Just one for now. You are loved."

"Yes." he said.

"Now, we need to reduce the sensory overload. I want you to lie down on the couch and close your eyes."

"No, There's no need. I am undamaged."

"Castiel. do you really have the strength and focus to argue with me now?"

"Maybe." he said.

Jules spoke to him, quietly but firmly. "Cas, there are four people in this room who have been going through Hell recently and who have only one way to feel better - taking care of you. Jack and Sam and Sarah and I need this, so whether you need it or not, just go along with it for us." She sat at one end of the couch. "Come and rest your head in my lap."

He lay down on the couch and as his head touched her lap, she began to stroke his hair.

"Stop." he said, but it seemed an automatic response. A moment later, he said, "No, continue. It feels good." Shebegan stroking his head again.

"Close your eyes." said Sarah. He did.

"I love you." said Jules.

"I love you too." he said, "I love all of you. I'm so sorry."

"You have nothing to apologise for." said Sam.

"I'm the reason he's dead. And I said I would be fine and then I ... and the car was wrecked."

"You do remember that." said Jack.

"No." said Cas, opening his eyes and trying to sit up. Jules stopped him and he surrendered and went back to his previous position. "I don't remember." he said.

"I don't believe you." said Jack.

"Jack." said Sam, knowing that every word of doubt was a whiplash to Cas.

"Do you believe him?" said Jack.

Sam didn't answer. 

Sarah spoke very calmly. "I understand that you don't want to talk about any of it, but there are things we need to know."

"Like why you left your phone behind." said Jack.

"He left the angel blade behind too." said Jules.

"Which proves he was contemplating suicide." said Jack.

"Cas contemplates suicide a thousand times a day." said Jules, "This time, he consciously and deliberately put it beyond his reach."

"Are you fighting?" said Cas, opening his eyes.

Jules stroked his cheek. "No, my love. Close your eyes."

"He says he doesn't remember the crash." said Jack, "But he can't forget anything."

Sarah looked at Jack with kindness in her eyes. She understood his pain. "Jack, dear, we can't interrogate him. He's been through enough." She turned to Cas. "Castiel, I have faith in your word. Do you remember the accident?"

"No. I just found myself standing next to the car. For all I know, it was forced off the road. I know the damage was extensive. Something bad happened."

"Yeah, don't worry about that." said Sam, "Bobby says it'll take a while, but he can fix it."

"Is he angry with me?" said Cas.

"Nobody's angry." said Sam.

Jack sat on the floor in front of the couch. "No-one." he said, putting his hand on Cas's arm. "We're just scared."

"What do you remember before the crash?" said Sarah.

Cas was silent for a long time, then he said, "I'd been on a supply run. I got beer and food and I got pie, in case ... " His voice died away.

"Do you remember driving the car?" said Sarah, letting him avoid the painful thought for now.

"Yes." said Cas, "I was driving calmly, listening to music."

"And then you heard something from the angels?"

"Yes. They said, 'Dean Winchester ... ' They said ... Nobody will believe it and I understand that. I do. If I could unbelieve it, I would. He's dead. Michael killed him. I'd tried to contact him and Michael killed him to prevent it."

He tried to sit up again, but Jules put her hand on his chest and although he had his angelic strength and could easily push past her, that light pressure stopped him. She took his hand, holding it in a strong grip. It seemed to calm him. With her other hand, she continued to stroke his hair.

"He's not dead!" said Jack, "What reason does Michael have to give us that information? It only makes sense if Dean is alive."

"Archangels are creatures of truth." said Cas.

"Michael lied to Dean." said Sam.

Jules looked at Sam. Like him, she obviously knew Cas would never listen unless someone made him. She bowed her head over him and said, "Castiel, my love, you know how hard this is for me. I am begging you to stop fighting this and listen. Just hear what Jack has to say. Amen."

The hand held in hers suddenly gripped more tightly. Her hand stopped stroking his hair. It was visibly shaking. Sam could see the shadows of apocalypse in her eyes. He knew that years of buried trauma had just been given a good stirring. He went over to her, sat in the chair beside the couch and put his hand on her shoulder. It was all he could do. 

"I will." said Cas, his voice barely above a whisper.

Jack took a moment to compose himself and then said, "Angels lie, Cas. We both know that. Archangels are the biggest liars. Lucifer is a frickin' archangel."

"I heard the message." said Cas, "There was no doubt."

"Because you were hard-wired to trust angel radio." said Sam.

"The message was aimed at you." said Jack.

"But you heard it too." said Cas, "Didn't you believe it?"

"No." said Jack.

"Jack has human instincts that you don't." said Jules.

"Jack is a child." said Cas, "A child who loves Dean and cannot bear the thought of losing him."

"You're right." said Jack, "Losing Dean is a terrifying thought and I can't handle it ... not on any level. But I've made myself consider the possibility and if that message had felt like anything but a cruel lie, I would have believed it. I knew it wasn't true. I know it now."

"You don't know."

"And you know what would be worse than losing Dean? Losing you. And today, I thought that might happen. And yes, I've been angry and unfair and I yelled at you when I shouldn't, but it's because you scared me. I've lost you before and I can't lose you again."

Cas opened his eyes and turned his head to look at Jack. "You won't lose me, Jack. I will never abandon you. Never."

Jack nodded. "Thanks. You have no idea how much I needed you to say that."

"But Dean is dead." said Cas.

"If he is, we'll bring him back." said Jules, "Him and Meg and Gabriel and everyone else you care about. But I'm with Jack on this. I don't think he is dead."

"Michael knows we have you." said Sam, "The only way he can neutralise the threat of an angel working against him is to kill your hope."

"Actually, he could obliterate me without a second thought. He had no need for a clever ploy. I doubt Michael sees me as any kind of threat. My closest friends think I am a useless wreck." he added bitterly.

"Nobody here thinks that." said Sam.

"Even I think that." said Cas.


	82. Chapter 82

Sarah watched Cas and Jules for a while and then said, "Jules, do you need a few minutes?" Sam was glad that she understood the varied mix of trauma in the whole family.

"No." said Jules, "Let's focus on Cas for now."

"I'm fine." said Cas, a reflex response that meant nothing.

"Pact." said Sam.

"Still fine." said Cas.

"How are we doing on the overload situation?" said Sarah.

"Fine apart from that." said Cas.

"Good. Then let's deal with that, because we know how to do that. Sam, would you get a blanket from the front bedroom?"

"Of course." said Sam. When he returned with it, Sarah covered Cas with it as if he were an ailing child.

"Breathe." she said, "Try to slow down the rush and focus on a few things. Picture a honeycomb. See it clearly. Whenever you feel uneasy or overwhelmed, go back to the perfect shapes in the comb. Smell one smell and ignore all others."

"Jasmine." he said. Jules smiled. It was her favourite scent, when not hunting.

"Is it getting easier?" said Sarah after a long pause.

"It is." he said.

"You were so long alone, but not now." she said, "Now, you have people who love you and we all share your pain. We all miss Dean."

At the name, his whole body seemed to tense. Jules began to stroke his hair again.

"Sorry." said Sarah, "Maybe we should talk about that later."

"I never want to talk about that." he said.

"I know, but we need to. What I'm trying to say is that all of us understand and all of us care and you can talk to us. Could we talk more about the accident?"

"I don't remember the accident."

Jack moved to a chair near Sarah. Sam could see how hard he was trying not to call Cas a liar.

"No, we know you don't." said Sarah, "I'd like to find out why you don't. Hearing what you heard, which seemed to confirm your worst fear, that was the overload. Later, you walked and walking let you suppress some of it, but driving, you didn't have that opportunity. What did you do?"

Cas opened his eyes and sat up. "I don't know."

"Which suggests a disconnection, from your vessel, from your thoughts or from your emotions. Did you leave your vessel before the accident?"

He seemed to think about it. "No. If I had, it would have been damaged in the collision." 

Sam could not have explained it, but hearing Cas refer to his vessel as "it" under these circumstances was disturbing to him. 

"You felt overwhelmed." said Sarah.

"I felt cut off from everything." he said, sounding surprised by his own words, "I was in my vessel, but nothing around it or inside it seemed real to me. Only one thing was real, that ... that he was gone, destroyed, lost forever."

"You didn't crash the car to try to harm yourself." said Sarah.

"No. It never could have done that."

"Thank God!" said Jules.

"Probably not." said Sam.

"You were dissociating. You couldn't face what you were feeling, so you fled from everything you are and everything you were experiencing." said Sarah.

"It sounds like you're saying I lost my mind." said Cas, plainly troubled by the thought.

"No, Castiel, what you did was intended to save your sanity. It's the equivalent of leaping off a sinking ship. The water isn't safe, but it's better than being dragged down with the vessel."

"I crashed the car." said Cas.

"Yes. Under intense pressure."

"If Jules had been with me ... or Jack ... "

"I don't think you'd have crashed." said Sarah, "Duty first with you, always, especially duty to those you love."

"Bobby was right about me. I can't be trusted on a simple grocery run."

"He never said that." said Sam, "He said you were wasted on such menial tasks. For the record, everything you did today proves we can trust you. Yes, you crashed the car, but immediately afterwards, you left the angel blade in it and headed for home. You left the link open. You contacted me when you were struggling to change direction. You met us on the road. You let us bring you here and now you're talking, even though it's the last thing you feel like doing."

"I still don't get the phone thing." said Jack, "That feels like trying to leave us."

"No." said Cas.

"Then why?" said Jack.

"You were calling and I knew you'd heard and I couldn't make it better. I couldn't find a word of comfort for you or Sam. You needed me and I knew I would fail you. I was a coward. I ran from a need I could not satisfy. I never intended to leave you ... any of you. I just thought that you and Sam would support each other better than I could support either of you. Even the thought in my head of Dean being ... Even just the thought was torture. I was in no state to offer you soothing words."

"If you'd answered the call, I would have told you he was alive. I even texted that he was alive. I prayed it."

"And your denial proved the depths of your pain and I had no strength to argue and no wish to convince you and I know that I have to, but I still don't want to."

"Why do you believe Michael and not me?" said Jack, tears forming in his eyes.

"Because love makes us lie to ourselves. Besides, when is the good news ever the truth?"

"Dean is alive!" said Jack.

"Dean is dead! Michael killed him because I tried to contact him. Maybe Dean even heard."

"Michael lies!" said Jack.

"Yes, but not about this." said Cas.

"Don't make me pray again." said Jules, "You need to listen to Jack. He's right. In your heart, you know it."

"Because my heart won't accept that Dean Winchester is never coming back?" said Cas.

"So it tells you he's alive?" said Jules.

"It tells me a lot of things that aren't true." said Cas.

Sarah spoke. "Castiel, I understand. If you can accept that he is dead, there will be no false hope to torment you. Accepting the worst, even if it isn't true, makes life feel certain and safer."

"Yes." he said.

"And if I believed that Dean could be dead, I'd advise you to accept it."

"Then ... "

"But Dean is no more dead than I am. Of course, my instinctive belief is worthless in your eyes. So, we have a problem. I know Dean is alive and therefore accepting his death would be delusional and unhelpful. You, on the other hand, are convinced he is dead, so consider all of us to be in denial."

"Not Sam. Sam at least considers his death possible." said Cas.

"I believe Jack makes a strong case." said Sam.

"But you're not sure." said Cas, "And I am sure he's dead. So ... "

"We've been friends a long time." said Sarah.

"Yes." said Cas.

"So I'm going to ask a favour. For my sake, can you allow yourself to doubt his death until such time as we have evidence one way or the other?"

"As an intellectual exercise?" said Cas.

"As an act of faith."

"Faith died in me a long time ago."

"An act of faith in Dean, in Jack, in us." said Sarah.

"You don't understand. If I let myself believe and then have to accept his death again, that's it. I will never recover."

"And accepting his death now ... will you ever recover from that? You left the blade behind because you knew you were likely to use it."

"I rejected that option."

"You removed the temptation, because it was a strong one. For the sake of those you love, you stopped yourself. But you're an angel. You've told me more than once that self-destruction is impossible for angels. Your despair made it a realistic threat to your survival."

"If there's a point to this, could we get there, please?" said Cas.

"When you accepted that Dean was dead, you were ready to die."

"Manifestly not, since I left the blade." he said.

"If you hadn't been ready to die, carrying it with you would have been no problem." said Sarah.

"I chose not to die."

"For now. But I know you, my dear. You're trying to live without hope, for our sakes, but you're afraid to hope because the loss of hope would destroy you. But you are already destroyed."

"Maybe, but I am here and I can still be useful."

"Until you fear you're not useful and decide it might as well end now." said Sarah, "And what if you do that and then, the next day, Dean walks into the bunker?"

"And his first words will be, 'Where's Cas?'" said Sam, "And the answer will do to him what Michael's lie did to you."

"If he is dead ... " Cas began, ready to argue.

"Even you are using the word 'if,'" said Jules, "There's a doubt. Doesn't Dean deserve the benefit of it?"

Cas stood up and, without another word, walked out of the room. Moments later, they heard the back door open and close. He was heading for the bees.

"Should I go after him?" said Jules to Sarah.

"No." said Sarah, "He's struggling, but against the despair now, not against us." She turned to Sam, "How are you doing in that fight?"

"I have no evidence Dean is dead." said Sam, "Until I see proof, I think I need to assume he's alive."

Sarah smiled at Jack next. "You have no doubt at all, do you?"

"I know Michael and I know Dean. There's no way Dean is dead."

"He'd be so proud of you, Jack."

Jack's worried expression faded and was replaced by a slight smile. 

Sam looked at Jules. She was good, very good, but he had seen that haunted look in the mirror too often to be fooled. "Jules, can we talk?" he said.

"Let's walk by the creek." she said.


	83. Chapter 83

Cas stood by the beehives and watched Sam and Jules go past him towards the creek. He knew he should not have walked out. They were trying to help him and his reaction could only worry them, but he felt overwhelmed again and he needed to keep some control of his emotions.

Love was still confusing to him, all kinds of love, from Sam's brotherly concern to Sarah's maternal, nurturing care, Jack's fierce, filial devotion and the deep, tender connection he had with Jules. 

He had never been intended to experience any of those things. He was given the capacity for love so that he could love God and love humanity and love his brothers and sisters, but he had never been meant to look into the eyes of an individual human and feel such an intense devotion to them that he wanted to protect them and promise things to them and open his heart and mind to them.

If he had stuck to the initial plan for his kind, he would not be feeling this pain. He would know peace. The loss of one human would not have felt like the end of everything. 

He watched the bees approaching and then gently veering away, attracted by him for a moment, but then sensing his turmoil and finding it repellent. He let his apology flush through his aura.

Had he stayed as a basic, uncomplicated angel, he would not be hurting the people he loved with this darkness and despair. There would be no specific group of people he loved, just unfocused, general compassion for the race of man.

He remembered how Jules had stroked his hair and how different that had felt to all their amorous embraces. It had been far less intense than the hand on his thigh, but the feelings it had awoken in him had gone far deeper. In the midst of his pain, Jules had shown him love and understanding. She had held his hand, too.

She had prayed.

Once with words and once without, she had reached out to him in prayer, despite her hatred of prayer, her dread of it, despite PTSD and years of keeping angels out of her head. He had known when she stopped stroking his head that the prayer had cost her more than she would say. He should talk to her about it, but he was struggling already. Now was not the time, but he knew he must acknowledge to her that he understood the magnitude of her sacrifice for him.

Sarah had wrapped the blanket around him. She had done that before, when he had come to her, babbling about how the Winchesters hated him and he had broken Heaven and now nothing would ever be right again. A blanket for an angel of the Lord! The idea was preposterous. Just for a moment, each time, he knew how it felt to have a mother, to matter to a kind heart.

Jack had touched his arm. Considering they were often touted as the ultimate abomination, nephilim were capable of great love.

If he had stayed cool and aloof and uncaring, he could never have felt the love of his family. True, he would not be now trying to handle his grief and their smothering affection, because he would be cold inside, seeing love as a philosophy, an abstract and not as this thing of blood and dirt and tears in a world where it was possible to make someone the centre of your universe and then have them and it torn away from you in a way from which you could never recover.

If he had never felt love, Dean's death would have been nothing but an annoyance. Then again, his life would have been of no consequence to Cas either, a mere tool to be used, a means to an end.

He would never have seen all those dull, uninspired and uninspiring movies and seen Dean's horror at his lack of appreciation or heard the word, "Dumbass!" as a declaration of approbation and encouragement. He would never have thought of fellow angels as Junkless or Chuckles. The loss of God would have ended him, because what was an angel of the Lord when the Lord in question didn't care about anything? Dean Winchester had not fallen to his knees and said, "God is not with us! What can we do?" Dean had called God a deadbeat dad and he had moved on with human plans in a human fight.

Castiel, least of the angels in his own estimation, had known Dean Winchester. Maybe it was over now. Did that mean it hadn't been worth it? Losing Dean hurt in ways he didn't think an angel could be hurt. Losing him to Michael, to an archangel who thought he was second only to God, but who was, in truth, unfit to park Dean's car, was devastating, but he had known him, fought alongside him, even died for him. If this were the end, it had still been worth everything. If all that was left to him now was pain and loss and watching each of the others submit to despair in turn, still he would not wish to go back and undo it all.

"Dean Winchester is dead!" The words still hurt. The thought was still a jagged edge, dripping venom. He hated the thought of life without Dean, but even that thought held within it the fact that Dean Winchester had existed and Castiel had been his friend.

It didn't ease the pain one little bit. He knew it would hurt forever. Maybe, had he understood love and friendship better, he could have held back a little on that friendship, loved a little less, whispered to himself, "Everything dies." But he had discovered human friendship by finding one and his hungry heart had run after it, feeling as if it would die if it didn't.

Cas had never seen himself as wise.

Heaven had always asked a lot of Dean and Sam and so, he had tried not to ask too much ... anything, really. Even when they had effectively declared war on Heaven and he had chosen their side, giving up all he had for them, he had asked for almost nothing in return. Same with Sarah. He had known she loved his visits and needed his company and the intellectual stimulation of their wide-ranging discussions of philosophy, theology, ethics and art. Still, it had felt like an imposition even to approach the farm. Something in his head would not ever let him see himself as deserving of love.

So he did this, every time, walked away and hid from them, trying not to be a burden, angry that he was different, that he could not relate to humans as they related to each other and heartbroken that their love was so rich a gift that he could never be worthy. All he had to do was let them love him, accept their support, but he still felt he had to do everything alone. The words, "I'm an angel ... " sprang too easily to his lips, shutting down the human contact he needed and felt he should not need. 

Of course, at the same time, he knew that was stupid. These people, the Winchesters, Jules, Sarah and Jack, were the wisest people he knew and they had chosen, eyes open, well aware of everything he was and everything the other angels were, to offer him their unconditional love. 

He looked into the steel-grey sky and wondered whether he would have been happier had the Winchesters dismissed him as worthless and gone their way without drawing him into their family. So much would have been different. No fall. No pain. No Jack. Dean was dead and it hurt like Hell, but even in that terrible pain, there was the memory of a profound, fraternal love and if he must live with the grief forever, at least it did not dwell alone within him.


	84. Chapter 84

At the creek, Sam said, "Remember when we agreed to believe each other's act and crumble later?"

"I remember." she said, giving little away.

"Great in principle, until that extra, unexpected blow of the hammer. You're strong, Jules, I know that, but I also know you're not okay. You had good reasons not to pray and I'm grateful to you for putting them aside to help Cas, but in doing so, you ... "

"My pain is in the past. Another world, another life." Jules looked back towards the house. "His pain is real now. Yes, I reopened old wounds, but the blade is still in his wounds and fresh blood is flowing."

"So you're happy to sacrifice your wellbeing for his?"

"Isn't that what love is?" she said.

"Maybe, but family is looking after everyone and if I'm gonna get through this, I have to be able to tell myself I took care of you as well as Cas."

"Old trauma." she said.

"Yeah. I know better than most that it doesn't matter how distant the date on the trauma, when it's back, it's fresh and strong and hurts." said Sam.

"I can handle it." she said.

"That's not in doubt. You can handle just about anything."

"Good. So let's go on as before." 

She turned to go, but Sam had spent a lifetime butting heads with Dean's stubborn self-reliance. "I'm thinking of Cas too." he said.

"What do you mean?" she said, turning back.

"I know he seems oblivious right now, but don't think he doesn't know. Of all the people in that room, you were the one he was closest to and the one who matters most. He didn't say anything, but you can bet he felt the change in you. If I saw it, so did he. His perception is far above human levels."

"I'll make sure he knows I can deal with it." she said.

"You don't have to deal with it alone." he said.

She looked back to the house again. Cas was a small figure, wandering uncertainly amongst the beehives. Sam knew how much of her strength was spent on giving him her unconditional support, loving him even when he ran from her, burying her own deep wounds from years of war and oppression because she cared so much about his.

"I do it too." he said, "Push it all down so I can be there for the others."

"You were in Hell for a century." she said, "I just went through one little apocalypse."

"You fought for years against Heaven, Hell ... "

"Still nothing compared with what you went through." she said.

"We minimise our own suffering, tell ourselves and others it's not so bad." said Sam, knowing only honesty had a chance here, "We don't have to tell each other that. We're two of a kind."

She smiled at that. "Yeah, we are. We're hunters. We're messed up inside, but we do the job and we keep going. And that's what I need to do, Sam, keep going and keep protecting him." She nodded to Cas.

"Yeah, me too." he said. They watched Cas for a moment and Sam thought he looked a little better, standing straighter, looking less dazed, but it was hard to tell from that distance. "How messed up right now?" he said quietly.

"You're not letting this go, are you?" she said.

"I prefer to think of it as not letting you slip through the cracks." he said, "I know that if he were himself, taking care of you would be his first priority."

"Second, after Jack. Maybe third, after you." she said, "I don't resent it, but I recognise it."

"I think you're wrong." said Sam, "But for now, he's out of action and someone has to step up."

"Well, honestly, I'll be fine. Yes, some stuff got raked up and yes, tonight, I'll have a few nightmares maybe, but I had to get through to him and I did."

"Yeah, so clever, to tap straight into his essential angelic nature and bypass all the crap in his head."

She looked at Cas, who was now standing by the central hive, his hands on the roof. Bees were slowly starting to swirl around him. "That's good." she said, "The bees avoid him when he hates his life."

"Those bees always seem to have a calming effect on him." said Sam, wondering if she intended to distract him.

She smiled ruefully. "You know, I have a horrible feeling that the first time I get to see him naked will be a day when he wants to commune better with the bees."

"You've never ... " Sam began, then he stopped himself. It was inappropriate to ask about their odd sex life.

She looked at him, then back at Cas. "Clothes are a shield to him. Without them, everything is too intense. And he doesn't want things to go too far, while Dean is gone. Of course, when Dean comes back, he'll find some other excuse."

"I know it seems that way, but he does want ... "

"Yeah, he does, but he is so afraid. Maybe it'll never happen and you know what? I'm okay with that. Even now, when he's so cut-off from everyone, being with him is good. You worry about the things buried in my head. Well, they lose power when he's around. Waking up from a night terror and finding him looking at me is so comforting."

"Dean always found it creepy, having Cas watching him sleep."

"Dean wasn't in love with him." she said, "Poor Cas. His PTSD is worse than anyone's. He makes you and me look cheerful and trauma-free. The weight he's carrying, he was never built to carry and he just goes on, trying to be strong for everyone. Worse, he thinks he has no right to feel pain or fear and he hates the fact that he does."

"Just like Dean." said Sam.

"Just like Dean." she agreed.

"And like you."

"And you. Don't make me another burden on your back. I'm a survivor. It's what I do."

He heard the catch in her voice and saw the smallest quiver in her lower lip. She straightened her shoulders and raised her chin and if he had not walked around for years with a head full of Hell, he might have been fooled.

"Yeah, I get that." he said, "Hell, you're strong enough to love him." he said, with a nod to where Cas still stood, head bowed, amidst the bees.

"For as long as I live." she said. A shudder ran through her shoulders and tears filled her eyes and she said, in a shaking, subdued voice, "I'll be okay. I'll be okay. I'm just not okay right now."

Sam hugged her to his chest, squeezing as tightly as he could. "Nobody's okay right now. That's why we need each other. We have each other."

She hugged back. "Never thought I'd pray again."

"I'm sorry you had to." he said.

"Maybe it's a good thing. Maybe I need to ditch the anti-angel precautions now that I'm in love with one of them." she said, snuggling closer. "Never thought I'd get a new brother at this late stage of the game either."

"I know the Winchesters are not the most stable or lucky family in the world, but we take care of our own." he said, letting her step back.

"I had the most stable family in the world. It didn't last long in the apocalypse." she said, "I never stop missing them. I never stop wanting them back. I don't know why I had to be the one to survive."

"Maybe so you could save a fallen angel." he said.

She glanced at Cas again. "I don't think I did much."

"I know exactly what you did." said Sam, "You did everything."


	85. Chapter 85

Cas saw Sam embrace Jules and he said to the bees, "There, that's Sam Winchester, holding the world together, because no-one else is going to. His brother's dead and he cares about her."

At the word "dead" the bees flinched away, wounded by his pain. It was more than the word. It was his eagerness to use it, to twist the knife in his own heart and he understood their problem with it. Too much of his mind was focused on holding on to the comforting stagnation of despair, the security of knowing things could not get any worse. He had always despised cowards, because he had always known that he was one, deep down.

Dean, he knew, would not have given up so easily. Even Sam, who believed Dean could be dead, was refusing to accept it as fact. Cas wanted, more than anything, to be able to consider it possible that Dean could still be alive, but angel radio ...

Sam and Jules were coming back to the house and Cas knew that they would leave him there, outside, with the bees, if that was what he wanted. It wasn't. He wanted to go back inside, to be with his family, but they had seen him walk out. They knew that he was weak and stupid. He wished he could undo that. He also needed to talk to Sam alone.

"Sam." he said, as they came to the hives.

Sam turned to Jules. "You go in. I'll be right behind you."

She took Cas's hand and kissed his cheek. "You okay?" she said.

"Yes." he said, "I'm sorry about ... "

"No." she said, "There's nothing to be sorry about." She turned and went into the house.

"What is it?" said Sam.

Cas was still staring at the door that had closed behind her. "Tell me she's okay." he said.

"She is." said Sam, "The prayer ... Well, you know how she feels about praying, but she says you're worth all the stuff it stirred up."

"I'm not worth one moment of disquiet in her soul." he said.

"You don't have a clue what you're worth to us." said Sam.

"I saw you hug her."

"Oh, that? Look, Cas, that was just ... "

"I know what it was." said Cas, wondering why Sam would feel a need to explain. "I want to thank you for being a good friend, to her and to me. I'm not in great shape today for interacting on any meaningful level and I know I didn't do the right thing when I knew that she was shaken. You did. You always do. Whatever you're going through, you always care about others. Thankyou, Sam."

"Hey, no problem. She's family. I'm always here for her."

"Yes, you are."

"But don't feel you can't talk to her about it. I told her you'd know what that prayer did to her."

Cas nodded. "When we get some time alone, I'll talk to her. Maybe ... " His voice died away.

"Maybe ... ?" prompted Sam.

"Maybe I can make up for everything I got wrong today."

"You got nothing wrong. Cas, we understand."

"Do you really think Dean can be alive?" said Cas.

"Jack thinks he is."

"Jack thinks I' a suitable role model." said Cas dismissively.

"So do I. Sarah thinks Dean is alive."

"What do you think?"

"I honestly don't know, but I gave up on Dean once before and I've regretted it ever since, so maybe we need to do as Sarah says and put our faith in him."

"Maybe we do." said Cas, "To tell you the truth, I'm afraid to go in there."

"Why?" said Sam, "There's a room full of people who love you with everything they have."

"That's why. I let them down, Sam. I was weak. I was stupid. You know what Dean would say."

"Yeah, and I know how little of it he'd mean."

"Have you discussed yet whether I can be trusted with an angel blade, or at all, without someone to watch over me? Have you considered a warded room to keep me safe from my own frailty?"

"Do you think there's a single one of us who hasn't been thinking and feeling the same weak, stupid things you have?" said Sam.

"I should be the strongest." said Cas.

"Because you're an angel?"

"Yes." It seemed too obvious to need to be said.

"Zachariah was an angel. He seem strong to you?"

"So you think angels are weaker than humans?" said Cas.

"Stop angling for insults. I think you are the strongest of angels. The others broke under pressure. You broke free. When there was an easy way and a right way, you never took the easy one."

"I took a lot of wrong ones."

"We all do. Me, more than most. I ran from my mistakes a lot of the time, when did you ever not try to clear up the mess you made?"

"When did I ever succeed?"

Sam smiled and shook his head. "Would you ever judge a human as harshly as you judge yourself? You know he feels unworthy of you, right? You know he's terrified that you'll come to the same conclusion and wonder why you ever wasted your friendship on him."

"I'm the unworthy one, unfit for the company of Winchesters, undeserving of the love of a woman like Jules."

"You know what I admire most about Jules? She sees things clearly. She knows exactly what you're worth and she loves you and I mean truly loves you, no half measures, no holding back."

"And you think I deserve that?"

"You're the only one who doesn't." said Sam.

"Can't you see what a wreck I am?"

"You know what I see? I see a wreck who wanted to give up and end it all and who had the means to do it and plenty of time, far away from anyone who would try to stop him. That blade is practically part of you. You have it with you everywhere. It's your protection and security blanket and also your way out."

"Security blanket?" said Cas.

"I know what it's like to lose hope, to long for death, just to stop the pain and quiet the chaos. I know how little willpower is left at that point. I know you could barely find the strength to turn around." 

"You helped me with that."

"Leaving that blade behind was a supreme act of will. Leaving it took courage and strength and determination and you did it when you should have been incapable of any of that. I don't know if you did it for Dean or Jules or Jack, but I know you overcame despair for love."

"I left the phone too. That was pure cowardice."

"I didn't look for you and Dean when you were in Purgatory."

"At that point, we didn't know Rowena. There was no way you would have found us."

"You left the phone, but you chose not to give up. More than that, when you were going in the wrong direction, you reached out to me."

"You were the only hope I had."

"When I felt your voice in my head ... Cas, I was so afraid we'd lose you and then you showed that you wanted to make it home."

"How can I go in there and talk to them when they saw me at my weakest?"

"How about we go in together?" said Sam, "They've seen me at my weakest too."


	86. Chapter 86

Sarah stood to greet them as they returned to the parlour. Sam made sure he was at Castiel's shoulder, but he was careful not to seem as if he could be blocking a swift exit if Cas needed one.

Cas looked into Sarah's eyes and said, "I'm sorry for all the ... "

"You needed time to think." she said.

"Yes, I did. I will do as you ask. I will assume Dean is alive until there is more evidence to the contrary than any celestial claim. He probably is dead and if so, there can only be disappointment ahead, but so be it." He looked around at each of them and smiled at Sam. "First time we met, he put a knife in my heart. It seems fitting, in a way, that his last act will be to repeat that when I know for sure that he is gone for good."

"I know how hard it is for you to even consider hope." said Sarah.

"I know how important it is to you that I try." said Cas, "Over the years, you've done so much for me. I owe you."

"You owe me nothing. You literally saved my life. Figuratively too."

"We saved each other, over and over." said Cas, "Everyone in this room has saved me more than once, sometimes at great personal cost." He looked at Jules, sitting on the couch and said, "I know what that prayer did."

"Worth it." she said, "Don't worry about me. I know an angel who can kill bad dreams and night terrors."

He went over and sat beside her. She took his hand again.

Sam sat in the corner, a little away from the others, anxious not to make any of them feel under his scrutiny. Jack seemed quiet, but not as worried as before. Sam wondered what he and Sarah had talked about when the rest of them were outside.

Sarah returned to her chair and cast a watchful eye over each of her adopted family. "This has been a day." she said, the understatement of the year.

"It has." said Sam.

"Can we discuss the situation, naming names, including that name closest to our hearts and carrying most pain?" she said, looking at Cas.

He nodded.

"The loss of Dean has hurt us all." she said, "And we're in a terrible position now. There's no easy way to find him, little chance of his immediate return and everyone in this room is on the brink of despair, if not over the edge. Is that a fair summation?"

"Yes." said Sam.

"And we all know what Dean would say if he were here. He'd yell at us all for thinking of giving up, or for coming up with crazy plans about crossroad deals and suicidal attacks on Michael. He'd tell us he's not worth fighting for, which isn't true and he'd tell us we can't let this defeat us, which is. He'd hold us together, even if he had to do it by making us mad. But Dean isn't with us."

"Sam is a good substitute, when it comes to keeping us together." said Cas.

"Sam is a good leader." said Jules.

"Yes, he is," said Sarah, "But Sam is struggling too, without his brother. Castiel has agreed to behave as if Dean is alive, which he is. I have to ask each of you to agree to something here and now that will get us all through this."

"Agree to what?" said Jules.

"The past few days have been hard. The pressures on us all have been unbearable. We've all been in a state of confusion with occasional side trips to total despair. When each of us falls, the others are there to catch them and that needs to continue, but with all of us one dark thought from destruction, we need to be united as never before. We need to have Dean's stubbornness, Dean's devotion to family. We need to be honest with each other when things get bad."

"You mean no more running away." said Cas.

"You're not the only one who tries to hide the bad stuff." said Jack.

"We all do." said Sarah, "We can't afford to now. When Michael sent out that message, he wanted us to break and scatter. He fears our faith and unity. He defeated his Lucifer, but he's failed, so far, to beat us. I love you all and I need you to believe. Believe in Dean. Believe he will return. Believe in each other."

"I haven't exactly given anyone a reason to believe in me." said Cas.

"I never had more reason to believe in you." said Sam.

"It could be weeks before we can get to Dean," said Sarah, "It could be months. Every day, there will be temptations to give up and give in and any time he can, Michael will try to push us to the point of surrender. We know what losing to Michael looks like." She glanced at Jules, whose face showed little emotion but whose eyes held shadows of her long war. "We know that Dean will never give up fighting, so neither must we."

"We won't." said Sam.

"Together, we're a formidable army, so we stick together and we keep each other strong. When things go wrong, when hope dwindles, we fight on and we believe in Dean and in each other. When one of us falls into despair, the others drag him or her out, whatever it takes."

"Agreed." said Sam.

"And when we get Dean back and he asks us, 'How did you win?' we can say, 'By doing what you would do, by making family the heart of it all.' All the way, whatever it takes, we keep fighting until we bring him home."

"Whatever it takes." Jack agreed.

"And we listen to each other and we understand that despair is natural and understandable and not a sign of weakness, so, when you lose hope, tell someone. When you're scared or guilty or fearful, talk to someone. And when someone confides in you, support and guide them until they can believe again. Above all, remember, Dean loves you and will always try to make it back to you." said Sarah.

Suddenly, Cas turned to Sam and said, "Do you believe Bobby can fix the car?"

"Bobby can fix anything." said Sam.

"Because if Dean gets back and the car is still wrecked ... "

"Then Dean can fix the car." said Sam.

Cas looked at Jules, "Could you teach me basic automobile maintenance?" he said.

"If it's about looking after the car, yes. If it's about accepting that Dean won't be around to do it, no. I want no part of that. I know you rely on him to take care of it."

"It's the first thing." said Cas, "Dean thinks I should know this stuff. Maybe, when he returns, I will know some of it."

Sam felt suddenly tired. His head ached. He ran a hand across his brow.

"Are you okay, Sam?" said Sarah.

He almost lied, but then he decided he needed to honour their new agreement. "No, not even a little, but I'm here and I'm gonna fight."


	87. Chapter 87

They gathered around the Impala, Jules keeping her arm around Castiel's waist, Sarah hugging Jack as if she could not bear to let him go. Sam felt a little better. Every trip to the farm gave them strength and peace. Nothing ahead seemed likely to be easy and nothing behind felt good, but when he had left the bunker to search for Cas, he had expected far worse things to happen.

Bringing Cas to the farm had been the right choice. New Bobby meant well, but he had all the tact of a jackhammer and half the subtlety. Sarah's gentle approach was far better and the bees always seemed to add something useful too. The farm was a place of healing for Cas. That it had been able to help him even when he had been certain of Dean's death was impressive, because it was increasingly clear that losing Dean was not something Cas considered survivable. 

Sam knew he would himself survive it, purely because he owed it to Dean, but he also knew that the loss, if real, would change him forever. He wanted Sarah's faith or Jack's, that Dean was still out there, still struggling to free himself.

"You're in the front seat." he said to Jack, who hurried to get in before he changed his mind.

"Take care, Jack!" said Sarah.

"You too!" said Jack.

"You ready to go, Cas?" said Sam.

"One moment." said Cas. Leaving Jules for a moment, he embraced Sarah. "Thankyou." he said.

"Thanks for listening." she said. She looked at Jules. "You two look after each other."

"We will." said Jules, "Things are good between us."

"Yes," said Cas, returning to her side, where she immediately encircled his waist with her arm again, "There are many kinds of kiss and we are working our way through them all." 

"I know my favourite." said Jules, casting a sideways look at Cas.

He bit his lip and studied the ground. "Yes, I like that one too." he said. His smile left no doubt in Sam's mind that he was hinting at what had made the lights flicker.

"Don't be afraid to be happy." said Sarah, "Dean doesn't want you all to live in misery until he comes home."

"Until he is home, there must be limits to happiness." said Cas.

"I understand." said Sarah, "If anyone needs me, any time, you know where I am."

"Thanks for everything." said Jules, then she guided Cas into the car and got in beside him.

Sam walked over to Sarah. "I don't know what's coming, or how long it'll be before we see you again ... "

"Not too long, I hope." she said, "It can get very lonely here."

"It can get pretty lonely at the bunker." he said, "Even when it's full of people. Coming here is good for all of us, especially Castiel."

"Don't underestimate what he did today. Breaking out of a downward spiral is hard for anyone; near impossible for an angel."

"I know. When I heard he crashed the car, I honestly thought he'd disappear, go into hiding or kill himself." he said, "I think Cas is okay now. I think we all are. I mean, we're all manner of messed up, but we'll handle it, together."

"Yes, I believe you will. Just remember, when taking care of them, not to forget Sam Winchester. He needs a smidgeon of that boundless compassion of yours."

"Yeah, okay." he said, bending to kiss her head. "We're not the only ones missing Dean, so if you need anything, you just call, okay?"

"I will." she said, "And when you get that boy back, you let me know right away."

"You betcha." he said. 

He got into the car and started the engine. As they drove off, Sarah stood waving and she kept waving until she was lost from sight.

"Leave me to talk to Bobby and the others." he said, few miles further on.

"Bobby will probably want me tethered." said Cas.

"I'm not interested in his kinks." said Sam, "Nobody is tethering you."

"Does Jack agree with that?" said Cas.

"Yes, he does." said Jack, looking back at him.

"Good." said Cas.

"Fantastic!" said Sam, "We're all on the same page."

"Shame it's the page with all the burns and bloodstains." said Cas.

"Only the last page matters." said Sam.

"And we'll be writing that one." said Jules.

"It could be said that we wrote them all." said Sam.

"Perhaps we could have written them a little better." said Cas.

"I don't know." said Jack, "I think you made them pretty epic."

"You had a few lines in there yourself." said Sam, "We did it together."

"Speaking as a footnote, I'm just glad to be on the page." said Jules.

"You're not a footnote." said Cas.

"We don't do footnotes." said Sam.

"You're the golden letters on the illuminated manuscript." said Cas, "Whether Dean is ... "

The stereo started into life with a strong beat. 

"Darkness all around us,  
We don't close our eyes.  
No one's gonna ground us  
We were born to fly.  
Comin' at us, no stopping  
Born to amplify.

Carry on, my sons forever!  
Carry on, when I am gone!  
Carry on, when the day is long,  
Forever carry on!  
For as long as we're together,  
Then forever carry on!"

Then the music stopped as suddenly as it had started.

"What's that?" said Jack.

"Manowar." said Sam, "Then, because it seemed so random and yet so meaningful, he said, "Dean?"

"Clearly, you must have knocked it." said Cas.

"Well, I didn't because a) I'm nowhere near it and 2) the cassette in there is Zeppelin."

"You think it's a message?"

"I don't know what else it could be." said Sam.

"It said, 'When I am gone.'" said Cas.

"Gone doesn't always mean dead. It said carry on. That's the message. Dean is alive."

"It's beginning to look that way." said Cas.

Sam looked in the mirror and saw the smallest glimmer of hope in the angel's eyes. "You know what this means, don't you?" he said.

"What?" said Cas.

"It means it may not only have been Michael who heard you call out to Dean."

"Dean is alive." said Cas and it sounded to Sam like he believed it.

_The End._

_Next: Home Is The Hunter._


End file.
